All Comments on 'Out of Focus Pt. 01'

But investing huge amounts of opener in lengthy backstory is one of the most common mistakes on Lit. Jumping back and forth right at the start distracts from your primary conflict and asks us to learn about people we haven't yet come to care about.

Not a bad start, really. Just a minor misstep in what could still be a powerful story.

Looking forward to the next part.

Honestly? You've written such a cowardly and unlikable character, I was forced to skim most of the background (which was most of this chapter). I can't see how he'll manage a backbone after you basically told us he wasn't born with one. Unless, your going to move this into SciFi & Fantasy with that charm he was given.

hope this guy stiffens his spine. what a wimp

who fall in love and try and make it work. TK U MLJ LV NV

For sharing.

Really to have the guy say he was coward at least six times in the four pages is wearying. Besides being a self-declared curious coward, he also seems amazingly dense. How can anyone worry about what the wifey is going to do to him?

One thing is that the POV here gives it all a very wooden taste.

I don't know where this is going, but so far it is EXTREMELY well written. That alone gives it a high rating. This author is very professional. It will be interesting to see what he does with these stereotyped misfits.

A risk averse accountant who didn't have his data backed up ?

The average computer user ? Yes

This guy ? Unbelievable.

I like the setup so far. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the story.

I swear I do.

But between his idiocy and almost constant craven behavior, I don't like ANYONE in this story so far. It's well written, but just because you HAVE a protagonist doesn't mean I like him.

So his ass reaming, to my mind, is his own fault.

Will continue since this is well written.

Interesting start. I already hate the rich family. I have to see where this is going. I'll continue...

So far I am bored with this story.

place in science fiction cat

What kills the story is a problem which many writers have ... and it is what distinguishes AUTHORS from a ordinary Writers.

Here we have a case of a semi talented writer going out of his way to make a convoluted interesting multifaceted story that is told from the point of view of the pathetically weak and sad LUZ -ER (louis). But because the story is told through his eyes ...it is clearly obvious to this man and to the reader that there is a deeper vast manipulation and conspiracy going on here on the part of the Bosses' family... as well as the daughters and the mother.

You CANNOT have the story told through the eyes of the protagonist and then not make basic deductions about what the fuck is going on.

Sure you can try and do that but the story is always going to collapses and die and that's exactly what has happened here..

WHY would Louis even attempt to talk to Alice or go without with her second time after the way she turned on him so finally at the first party?

By the middle of the story Lewis knows how vindicative ...how deceitful and how to sneaky the entire family is. So WHY would he accept the claim that Francine is pregnant and he is the father ?

Given all that has happened that the very first question each occur to anybody with an IQ over 90.

If you're one of " those people " that insist on keeping your critical brain active throughout story this tale isn't for you. I read this already on SOL and thought it worthwhile overall. The author took some chances and some shortcuts which didn't enhance the story. But there were indeed some scenes, he pulled the literary rabbit out of the hat. Is this cohesive as a whole ? No.

Flavian has a ways to go before he joins the pro ranks. BUT this is a sort of Americanized riff on Arabian magic lamp theme and as a story-journey, to me, the positives outweighed the negatives. Shaky start, yes but this gets better further down the line. Princess Bride fans please forge ahead .

Curious to see where this goes. Trouble is brewing.

returns to yester year.

1*

Well written, but the protagonist is a pretty unlikable wuss.

Lack of backbone is one thing but the main character shows an appalling lack of self-preservation.

trying to find anything at all to like about any of these characters. Or any reason to want to read anything further about how they mistreat and abuse each other.

he should get DNA tests to confirm he is the father of their children considering the way he way was set up in the marriage.

can sense Big Trouble in the near future. TK U MLJ LV NV

"Just Pathetic Bob / Matt Moron" are this writer's father / father-in-law. I just don't know which is which...

Can't remember much, but given one of my search criteria was "do-over", that somehow the nasiib stone is going to send him back to fix some of his problems.

But maybe the pain will go to those who plotted so well so early -

This guys is a total wimp, wuss, and anything else you want to call him. Not only that, he is also completely brainless. How about a DNA test? Since he knew there was no way he got her pregnant, it was obviously not his. But he went along with everything anyways. Did not read the pre-nup, did not show it to a lawyer. I mean come on, how wimpy is this guy? The biggest wimp in the world! That's a lousy protagonist.

Well written but I really haven't read enough to discern much about the plot. Definitely no problem discerning the personalities of the characters, however. Fiddler 2068, I think that was the point the author was making. Thank you

Writing is good though I feel like the plot is wandering a tad drunkingly in the lane....

Boring! And ya I read the next chapter. It doesn't get better.

I have read this story before, now I see why there was such a need for the early build.... This was great work, still 5**** even with the nasty surprises coming in next chapters......

One can appreciate the heartfelt take on military history, Mrs. Vandenberg, etc. But how can a story proceed with the confidence and faith of the reader when the protagonist is such an unlikeable weasel, and one that is proud of his own pusillanimous behavior? It really boggles the mind.

His badass grandad is wretching and rolling in his grave.

And what the fuck is a hi lo sweetheart chiffon this that and the other thing dress? Does the author wear one himself?

Bailing.

Another Good Time-Travel Story!

I understand being young and dumb. But any man with half a brain gets an attorney to look at the pre-nup. I mean he's getting buffaloed from all sides. How many times do these people have to hit him over the head for him to understand it's time to run for the hills? He could have quit his job, moved far away and continued with his career in the beginning of this mess. I simply don't like stories in which one or more of the main characters are dumber than rocks. Even for a fictional story, this was just ludicrous.

And way too boring and long.

This was painful to read. I cannot imagine that a fellow this stupid could actually exist. I will wait for the end of the series to give a rating. Right now it is pretty low though. The writing is good but the story is just too unbelievable.

He should have known that he had been drugged the night he woke up with Francine in his bed. When she popped up telling him she was pregnant, he should have insisted on a test for parentage. He should have offered to provide for the child if it was his rather than offering to marry a woman he did not even know. Finally, he should have had an attorney review the prenup before signing.

This guy is so dumb as to be useless. Does not back up his findings of illegal activity, doesn't realize he had been drugged. Marries a person who drugged him, and pawns off a offspring as his. Signs a prenup without having his own lawyer review it. Totally unsympathetic character. Deserves everything that happens to him.

Why would you write a story about such a pussy?

Yes, the story "thus far" is about a male that got manipulated - a LOT. Seems like he's over-the-top wimpy, but a reader must employ the old "suspension of disbelief" to enjoy any story.

Also, I read the start of the story which stated that this first installment was to set up the rest of the story.

So yea, wimp of a man. He got manipulated in way that I would not have. But... it's well written and sets up a great opportunity for a Loving Wives/BTB story.

An aperitif is a drink before meals to enhance appetite it is not taken after food as per you story.

I want to throw up after slogging through this part off the story. This guy makes me sick and seems to deserve exactly what he is getting.

This must get a LOT better in the later chapters. Reading this was just an ass whipping.

Is there really a man as stupid as your protagonist?

Did this story have a point?

Why would you write a story making men look so stupid. News bulletin, Every man I know would have simply walked away in the very beginning. I know this is fiction but, at least make it reasonable. If a man was as stupid as you make this dude seem to be then he forget to breath. Sign a prenup, without reading it, really.

Very slow.

There isn't one.

The author has tied both hands and one leg behind his back to start this tale. That's quite a hole to dig for yourself as an author that you'd need to get out of later.

First of all, I haven't hated a main character like this in ages. I assume that this was supposed to be about an every-man who was dealt a bad hand and will eventually recover from it. Who doesn't love an underdog story? I love 'em! Go for it! The problem is that the MC is a dull lackwit who is so unlikable and frustrating, that by the time he falls, I'm cheering for it. I want him to pratfall in the manure pile or down the open elevator shaft. I want the slip on the banana peel into a pile of priceless glass figurines. This guy is Teflon and nothing sticks to him, so why not just heap the universe's entire supply of bad luck onto him; none of it will make him more interesting. There's zero information on why I, as a reader, should like him. What motivates him? There's plenty that happens to him but, why? Dunno! It's just there. I'm supposed to like him since bad things happen to him. But that's not motivating or interesting. It's got all the nutritional content of a prank channel on YouTube. He just rolls through the story and things happen *to* him, he does nothing to *generate action*. This is b-o-r-i-n-g.

In the span of the first part of the story, he never catches on to any of the overt forces opposing him despite the fact that there's zero subtlety in the machinations against him; every opposing character may as well be twiddling a well-oiled and oversized handlebar mustache to tell you what shitheels they all are. That may play in vaudeville and in silent film, but audiences have come a long way since then and a touch of subtlety would be an oasis in a desert of dull. It plays like old-school WWE kayfabe without the winks to the crowd.

That brings up point two: the plot unfolds in a way that could be seen from the moon. There is every single tired trope used in Chapter 1, and a few old horses are even resuscitated so that they can be beaten to death again. If there's nothing new under the sun, then this is the rerun of the reruns.

Thirdly, if the reader can see the plot forming from an orbital LaGrange Point, then it unfolds at the same pace as a space mission. I think Apollo 11 got to the moon and back faster than just this chapter unfolded. Waaaay too much detail on old cliches, waaaaay too much backstory ("And then there was the time I got a hangnail in 8th grade; let me tell you - it hurt!"). Let's skip to the summary please!

SPOILERS AHEAD:

I've read the entire story and while the author has tried to dig himself out of the canyon he's dug for himself, my opinion is that he's only succeeded in digging deep enough to break through to a salt mine underneath and sunk to new depths.

Without giving away specifics, the telegraphed redemption took one of the two expected paths. The thing is, this path doesn't recover the either the protagonist or the story.

Instead, future chapters develop pages of plot only to have the plot MacGuffin fork and a new, completely different plot line is followed. Why? Dunno! What happened to all that story we just read and all the advances made by the MC to recover his pride and dignity based on this now-obsolete storyline? Dunno! It's just abandoned and no further mention is made of them. Well, that's frustrating and now I've wasted all that time reading and investing myself in that new normal, only for the chapter to end, telling me "Thanks Mario, but your princess is in another castle". There's no payoff for what we just read, and now I need to start over again. Again, it's fine if I've got a hero to root for, but ... this guy? I'm surprised that the author consistently describes him having sex in the missionary position with his frigid wife. He should be screwing her cowboy style because he only fucks up.

I've written stories like this, so i understand the need to develop a structure where there are clear rules for how the plot can shift within the story to achieve the desired redemption. But there are seemingly no rules here. Each fork of the plot is made carelessly and with seemingly little thought. Why did the MC find himself in this particular new situation? Dunno! He just does. Time to make more mistakes!

This culminates in a very dark and incongruous revelation which tries (but fails) to redeem one of the primary shitheels in the story. It doesn't fit because there was no signs leading to this possible story resolution, no breadcrumbs dropped along the way for the reader to pick up and piece together. We're just told of this fact as if it's supposed to explain so much of the original plot line (it doesn't), and now there's another character the reader is supposed feel differently about (sympathy? compassion? understanding?). I don't know because this new revelation makes no sense in terms of the motivations established in the opening chapter. Besides, it plays into some nasty stereotypes of Southern US life. I still dislike the "reformed" character when all is said and done.

OK. I'm done. Is there more? Sure, but why torpedo a sinking ship. I put this here in Chapter 1 to be a guide for what's to come. Follow my notes if you will, ignore them if you think I'm crap. Like a Zagat or Michelin guide, my words shouldn't prevent you from enjoying the restaurant you're eating at. These are just my thoughts, and an attempt to make sense of what i just read. Enjoy, no matter what you choose to do!

I've read this before, but it's really amazing how stupid, clueless, and spineless you've made the MC. Seriously, he doesn't suspect anything??? Wow. Scared of her, scared of her mommy, scared of her daddy, scared of her sister, scared he'll lose his job, etc...

He's so timid and pathetically obtuse, that I find it very difficult to even like the guy. They chose correctly: this MC is a loser.

The mc is a cypher, a ball bouncing over lyrics written by Francine and set to her tune. Why bother to read something like this? Sure, an author must define the problem in order to establish tension if not conflict, but if the author builds it up too much the reader slips off the other side...please help me I'm falling!

LWlurker

Hate where the guy is literally too stupid to live.

NO tension, NO suspense! Everything totally, boringly predictable! Cannot stay awake to finish it. I gave it three-and-a-half-pages, but just spotted a newly painted wall, and am so captivated by the thought of watching all that paint drying off! . Who knows? If I have any difficulty sleeping, -I can always come back to it!

DNA test? No lawyer to review the prenuptial? No blood test after that night (ok maybe most guys never think they will get drugged, except he has zero memory). No suspicions of Steadman? Ok this sets the opening frame of what turns out to be a great story. But the MC just seems to let things happen to him and is quite naive.

OMG 4 pages that could have been 1 or at most 2 pages.

Can the MCbe a bigger putz?

This was of no value at all

5 stars only because of what is coming in succeeding chapters.

MC in first chapter is, to put it simply, a waste of good air.

If not for "warning" in preface, I would already be gone ... if he doesn't grow a backbone QUICKLY in next chapter, it will happen anyway.