Park Bench

I smiled as I remembered something that had happened because I did that and reminded her of it. "Remember the first time I did that? The nurse came in to check on why your vital signs had normalized and saw us laying there with me telling you a story and holding you in my arms. She later told us that when she informed the doctor about it, he made sure all the staff knew I could do that anytime I wanted, because it helped you a lot... Laying beside you and holding you became the norm and I was happy to do it even if it was for my own greedy pleasure."

I lost it there and had to take a fair bit of time composing myself before I could continue. I'm sure the congregation could hear my sobs as I said, "I do have one more thank you I just have to give you. I must thank you for letting me into your life and sharing what precious time you had left with me. I was always amazed you actually wanted me there. That is the best feeling in the world for a guy like me... Gee babe, there are so many more thank you's I could give you, but I would be here all day if I tried."

I stopped and looked around at our parents for a bit and then turned back to Jewel. "I don't think I have too much more to tell you, but I must tell you I found the perfect spot to spread your ashes. You requested I do that, and to make sure it was someplace nice. I had to think long and hard over where to leave your remains for your final resting place, but I think you would approve of the location I picked. Your dad isn't happy with me, not only for being the one to spread your ashes, but the spot I chose. He objected, because he wanted you in his garden in the back yard.

I don't care what he thinks, I am going to honor your wish and do as you asked. I'm going to take your ashes a bit at a time, just so people don't wonder what all those ashes spread about are and scatter them around that park bench we spent most of our time sitting on. We spent so much time on that bench we thought it was our own personal space. I can't think of any better spot than where we shared so much of ourselves with each other."

You could hear the smile in my voice as I said, "I'll always remember that bench is where we first kissed and let me tell you that was the greatest kiss."

The tears were flowing freely now, and I had a hard time speaking but I did tell Jewel, "Come to think of it you were the one that made the first move... That's another thing I should thank you for. After that first kiss there must have been a million more and they all felt just like the first one."

I really was having a hard time holding on to it now and was grateful my mom came up and put a hand on my shoulder which helped to steady me.

"Jewel." I said, "I have another thing I have to say to you. This is something I should have said to you a heck of a lot more than I did... I love you... I will always love you...Never ever doubt for an instant that I didn't love you from the bottom of my heart. I really don't know what I am going to do without your love."

The sobs and tears were constant now as I said. "I have to go now so I will end things by saying those words we spoke as our way of leaving each other. We always said, take care... That way we would know there would be no goodbyes for us. Goodbyes sounded so final, and we didn't want any of our partings to be final."

I took a long time looking at Jewel laying there, and I leaned over and kissed her for what I knew was going to be the last time. As I stood up I whispered, "Take care love, let me know if you become an angel and where you are in the sky."

The tears were a river now and having said what I had to say I took off that microphone and turned with slumped shoulders and a tear streaked face as I slowly walked to the front door of the church and outside.

I just had to be alone for a while... I was trying to get my mind straight and barely heard the organ play the final hymn as I sat around the corner of the church on a bench that someone had donated. It took a bit before I realized that someone was watching me. As I was pulling myself together my mom sat beside me and gave me a loving hug.

Why do mother's hugs always feel so comforting and make a guy feel so good? I was overcome with emotion again and I felt myself start crying again. It felt really nice that she was there to console me like she had always done.

Once I got myself under control again she hugged me harder and spoke these words to me. "I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you... You did really good in there and I'm sure Jewel heard every word and loved what you said to her."

In a soft voice I said, "I'm going to really miss her."

"Yes, I know you will miss her and all the things you two did together. You just have to go on and take things one day at a time. For what it's worth that's about all the advice I can give you."

Mom hesitated a bit before she added, "You've grown a lot in the last few years. I just got to know, when did you change from being my little baby I used to hold in my arms into this very loving, fine, mature man. I couldn't be prouder of you and how you spoke to Jewel like you did. I'm honored to call you my son. I'm sure everyone now understands just how deep that love between you two was."

**********

There was a gathering at Jewel's old house and when I couldn't take one more hug and comment on how sorry everyone was, or how she was going to be missed I snuck out and went to our bench. It was soon real dark, and I was sitting there in the cool evening air and intently watching the sky. I must have sat there forever, just zoned out again thinking of how much I would miss Jewel and was startled by Jewel's mom sitting down beside me and covering the two of us with a blanket. She put her arm around me and just sat holding me for a bit before she gently said, "So this is that bench you guys always talked about. It took a bit to find you, but I can see why you two sat here all the time. It's so peaceful and private here."

The two of us sat there for a few minutes before she spoke again, "You know I think I'm going to enjoy walking over here to visit her. This is a real nice place, and I can see why you picked out this spot to spread her ashes. I'm sure she would be happy here."

She hesitated for a good long bit, then with a serious tone in her voice she slowly and softly said, "Jewel really loved you deeply you know. Never forget that. Her dad, and I were happy she found someone like you that cared so much about her. We could see the two of you were special right from the start.

We were even more happy when we saw the two of you this last two years. It's not every day that someone would care so much about someone that wasn't going to be around too much longer like you did with her. Near the end, I don't think she, or for that matter me and my husband would have been able to take what was happening to her without you there. Your love eased a lot of the pain she was in and I'm sure she appreciated it. We will always owe you a debt of gratitude for being there as much as you were."

She then looked up like I was doing and was admiring the display of those little lights twinkling in the sky. She asked in a questioning voice, "Do you really think she will be an angel like you told everyone in the church?"

"Yes, I do," I said, "I'm sure she will let us know where she is."

Just then a shooting star streaked across the sky. Just as it got right above us it disintegrated and gave off a small pulse of light for a second. When that pulse of light dissipated there was a star shining there. Jewel's mom exclaimed. "Did you see that? She really showed us where she is."

"I knew she would, she was that kind of girl." I added in a soft voice, "She does look like an angel up there doesn't she."

We sat for a long while just looking at our angel and later when we finally got up to leave I said to Jewel, "Take care Jewel. I will look for you every night."