Robin

Xxxx

Taking a searching and fearless moral inventory was much more difficult that Robin had anticipated. She was used to cataloguing all the indignities she'd had to endure, looking at all the faults and shortcomings of others, but had never looked at her own involvements in each given situation. She had never even entertained the idea that she may have some faults or be responsible for her lot in life. And certainly did not like looking at the fact that she had hurt others.

She blushed hotly as she listed all the people she'd fucked; the ones she could remember. A lot of the men and women had been anonymous. Nameless, faceless cocks. Nameless, faceless cunts.

Her fifth step, she decided to share with a priest that her sponsor suggested, even though Robin hadn't been in church in years. The most humiliating thing, other than admitting out loud the horribly depraved lifestyle that she had been living, was when the priest gently and lovingly patted her hand.

"Robin, if you had a daughter and she did all these horrible things, and came to you and said 'Mom, I'm sorry for these things, please forgive me,' would you be able to find it in your heart to forgive her?" he asked.

"Yes," she choked out. "She'd be my daughter; I'd love her no matter what."

"Well, you are God's child, and God loves you, no matter what you've done, and He forgives you," Father McBride said gently and Robin burst into anguished sobs.

Xxxx

"And I started going back to church and love going to church," Robin smiled. "It's a privilege, not an endurance to be able to go to church."

She smiled wider.

"And I've got good news or bad news, depending on how you want to look at it," she said. "My sponsor said that if I'm going to be sober, then my pussy has to be sober too, so no more fucking around. ALL of me have to be sober and act sober."

"Damn!" she heard a man say and giggled.

"Sorry buddy," she said to him. "We have to develop a relationship vertically before we can get horizontal. And my sponsor says 'If he ain't willing to get on his knees and pray with you, then you ain't willing to get on your knees and play with him.'"

"I can pray," the man quickly agreed and she laughed out loud.

"We'll talk after the meeting," she promised.

Xxxx

She held her breath and knocked on her sponsor's door. She knew what was coming; they'd worked on her eighth step, made a list of all the people she'd harmed and had preayed for the willingness to make amends to them all. She knew her sponsor would tell her to start making those amends.

"And it ain't going up to them and saying 'Gee I'm real sorry I hurt you, but I'm sober now, have a nice day,'" her sponsor told her. "You're going to go to them and tell them 'I know I've hurt you, how can I set it right?'"

xxxx

"My mom, my mom just slammed the door in my face, and I really can't blame her," Robin said. "All the times I went to her and said all kind of shit, just to get money out of her, she probably thought 'Oh, where we go again.'"

Robin shook her head at the memory of that humiliation.

:"My dad just cried and held me and told me he loved me and was so proud of me," Robin said and fresh tears began to fall. "But my step-mom, oh God! I'd said some really horrible things about her and called her horrible names to her face, if anyone had any right to hate me, it's Jackie. But before I could even start trying to make my amends to her, Jackie just hugged me and kissed me and told me that she loved me and was so glad to see that I wasn't a slave to alcohol and drugs no more. You know? I'm standing there, trying to make my amends to her and she's telling me that I've never hurt her and that I'd been in her prayers every night until I finally stopped drinking, and now she doesn't pray for me any more because she knows God walks with me every day."

She wiped at the tears

"But the best thing about making my amends to my dad and my step-mom is Beatrice and Chuck and Grace, Jackie tells me they named her 'Grace' after me, because of it being the Grace of God that I'm able to be a big sister to them," Robin said and smiled. "Like I said earlier, I get to take them out to eat, and I get to baby-sit and Beatrice even wanted me to be there when she went to her first day of school. Chuck said he didn't want me to go with him; he's too big for that."

She cupped a hand around her mouth, as if to tell them a secret.

"He's a boy, you know, and boys aren't into that, but I walked him to his first day of kindergarten anyway," she smiled. "God I love them so much!"

xxxx

She took a deep breath and got out of her car. The temporary prosthetic they'd fitted her with was a one-piece aluminum rod that jolted her stump terribly, despite the spring in the footplate. She knocked at the door and braced herself.

The house was one among many in the older neighborhood, one that had seen better days and most likely would not see any more good days. A car sat in the cracked driveway, two tires flat and another tire slowly losing air.

A moment later it opened and a drunken Angela stood there and looked at her, uncomprehending.

"Can't I just call her?" Robin had asked her sponsor.

"Gee, you fuck her over on the phone, or in person?" her sponsor asked.

"All right, fine," Robin muttered.

"'willing to go to any length,'" her sponsor reminded her.

Now she looked at Angela, no longer the pretty, insecure teenager she'd known, but a bloated sallow faced woman.

"Yeah?" Angela asked.

"Angela?" Robin asked. "I don't know if you remember me; I'm Robin, Robin McCall."

Angela reacted as if a snake had bitten her. She gasped aloud and put her arm off to ward Robin away.

Go away!" she screamed. "You fucking bitch!"

"Angela, please," Robin put her hands up, begging for Angela to hear her out.

"You fucking cunt, you ruined my fucking life!" Angela screamed and charged Robin.

Robin and Angela fell to the pavement and Robin put her hands over her face to protect herself, but did not strike back at the screaming, flailing Angela.

"I fucking hate you!" Angela screamed and lashed out clumsily.

Robin groaned; she could feel that the prosthetic had come loose and flopped around on the ground, useless.

Finally Angela tired of the fight and wobbled to her feet. Robin sat up and tried to reattach her prosthetic without sliding her jeans down to do it, but it was futile.

Angela's eyes opened wide as Robin lay on her right side and pulled her jjeans down and pulled the cup of the prosthetic up.

"Angela, I know I've hurt you," Robin said and pulled her jeans back up. "I am so so sorry about that and I want to know if there is any thing, any thing at all that I can do to set it right."

She rolled over and got to her right knee and, with great effort, hoisted herself to her feet again. She turned back around to face Angela, who'd gone white as a sheet.

"I'm sober now, have been for almost two years," Robin said. "Damn, you wouldn't believe how hard it was to find you! I finally remembered where your mom lived and at first she pretended she didn't know where you lived and..."

"Yeah, 'cause I'm like this big fucking dyke," Angela spat bitterly. "Likes to pretend I don't even fucking exist."

Robin winced; she knew she'd made a mistake mentioning Angela's mother's reaction.

"Sorry about that, didn't mean to bring it up," she said. "Look, I know I was wrong to use you, I was a selfish, self-centered bitch..."

"Got that right," Angela spat.

"But I don't want to be that person any more and I'm trying to clear away the wreckage of my past," Robin went on.

"You really want to make it up to me?" Angela asked and went to the door of the house.

"Yes, yes I do," Robin said.

"Fucking kill yourself," Angela snapped and slammed the door shut.

----

She prayed silently in the car, then got out and walked up to the front door. This house was in a slightly nicer neighborhood; the car that sat in the driveway was a new luxury sedan.

The older woman that answered the door wasn't interested in hearing Robin's tale but did want to know if Robin was still into eating pussy.

"My husband ain't home and won't be home for a couple of hours," she cackled. "I got some killer fucking weed, I know you said you don't drink no more, but you can still smoke every now and then, right?"

"Sorry," Robin smiled tightly. "No, I don't do that either. Like I said, I'm trying to live my life sober; that means drugs too."

Robin felt sick; how could she have ever found this person attractive enough to make love with? Then she remembered that the woman had let her use her credit cards. That's what Robin was there to make amends for, using her for her money. Not for eating her pussy.

----

Chad and Serena Fontenot welcomed her into their small house, nestled in a neighborhood much like Angela's. But their house was clean, the grass outside trimmed short, a fresh coat of paint on the door.

"But, Robin," Serena interrupted. "You never hurt me."

"Yeah, you didn't hurt me either," Chad echoed.

"But I said terrible things to you," Robin protested.

"So what?" Serena smiled. "Robin, we were kids, for God's sake! Kids say and do stupid things!"

"You want to make it up to us?" Chad asked.

"Yes, yes, I really do," Robin said.

"Just keep doing what you've been doing, you know? Just keep going to them meetings and don't do no more drugs," Chad smiled.

"Stop by every now and then, let us know how you're doing," Serena smiled.

"We went to your dad's the other day," Chad said. "Good God, Beatrice doesn't shut up, does she? And I can't get over how big Chuck's getting!"

xxxx

"And then we got to step twelve, where I'm supposed to practice these principles in all my affairs, and carry the message to other alcoholics," Robin said and reminded herself to refrain from grimacing.

Her leg was on fire and she could feel the sweat beading on her forehead. She glanced again at her watch and almost smiled in relief. It was five minutes to nine; she could wrap it up whenever she felt like it.

"So I'm sitting there in a meeting, and this girl comes up to me and says 'I want you to be my sponsor,'" Robin said. "I told her I didn't think I had enough sobriety yet, but my sponsor grabbed me and said I had better sponsor that girl or else!"

She smiled and looked at the chairperson.

"I've been her sponsor now for what? Three years?" Robin asked and the chairperson nodded her head in agreement. "And so when she asked me to be the speaker at her meeting, I said 'yes,' because I can't keep what I have without giving it away. Beatrice thinks the chips I get at these meetings are a prize I win for doing something good. She has no idea that the chips I get don't mean anything to me without her in my life. Chuck says he wants to get his own chips and I tell him I hope he never has to get any of these chips, but if he ever does, I want you to be there, I want each and everyone of you to be there to help him, just like you were there to help me."

She started to walk away from the podium.

"And I promise, I'll do whatever I can to be there when your baby brother or baby sister comes in and asks for my help," she said. "Thank you for listening to me tonight."

She sat down heavily, so relieved to finally be off of her feet. After a few moments of applause, the chairperson called and end to the meeting and Robin groaned as she pulled herself to her feet again to join hands with everyone else to end the meeting.

"Put your weight on me," a man whispered and she did, grateful for the assistance

"Our Father," she joined in with everyone else.

"Great story," the man said when they'd finished the prayer.

"Thanks," Robin said and he walked with her to her chair.

"Sit, sit, want any coffee or anything," the man asked.

"No, no, I'm fine, but thanks," she said and smiled.

"I'm Gene," he said and shook her hand. "I'm the one that..."

"Said 'Damn' when I said I don't fuck around anymore," she laughed.

"Yeah, damn!" he smiled. "But I did mean it when I said I'd pray with you. I'd really love to take you out, get to know you vertically."

Robin looked at him. He looked normal enough; average height, dirty blond hair and brown eyes. He didn't look like a pervert or a rapist or anything. But then again, Jimmy hadn't looked like a pervert or rapist or anything when they'd started dating.

Jimmy had two years of sobriety, or so he said. But he didn't have a sponsor, didn't work any of the steps, didn't read the Big Book; said that going to meetings was enough to keep him sober.

They went on a few dates and Robin gave in to a weak moment. It had been a long time since she'd had sex of any sort other than masturbation. He groaned in appreciation when she bared her small breasts to his hungry eyes, and actually smiled wide when she exposed her light brown tuft of pubic hair to his gaze. She actually tensed up in orgasm when he slid his cock into her. Orgasms were rare to her, except in masturbation so she really enjoyed this mating. They cuddled and kissed and then she rolled over and fell asleep, happy and contented.

She came to when she felt his semen splatter onto her stump. Jimmy was kneeling, rubbing her stump with one hand and jerking his cock with the other.

"Get out!" she screamed at him. "Just get the fuck out, sick fucking freak!"

He no longer went to the meetings that she attended, and if she walked into a meeting he was at, he would make a huge production out of getting up and walking out.

"Okay," she cautiously agreed when Gene asked her again if he could have her phone number, to call her for a date.

"Robin, that was the best story I've ever heard," an older woman was saying. "I don't remember when I ever cried so much at a meeting."

"Thank you," Robin said and smiled.

"No, thank you," a man said. "Really, I felt it when you talked about just not being able to go on anymore."

"Thank you," Robin smiled.

"Hey, Robin," Robert said. "Listen, there's a banquet, you know, over in Lafayette next month, on the sixteenth, and they asked me if I know any one I'd recommend to give their story, will you do it?"

"She'll have a ride there," Gene called out and smiled when she playfully shot him the finger.

"I love you so much," Maureen, the chairperson said and hugged Robin tightly.

"Yeah?" Robin smiled. "And if I tell you it's time to stop dragging your feet and get busy on that ninth step, you still going to love me?"

xxxx

"Gene smiled as Robin saying along with the Bangles. He hated the song 'Manic Monday' and had to smile. At first he'd thought that Robin was parodying the song but it became apparent that she was just a horrible singer. And like most horrible singers, she didn't believe that she was a horrible singer.

The drive from New Orleans to Lafayette was a two-hour drive, but they left at noon to get there for the eight o'clock meeting. Gene had also rented two rooms at the Ramada Inn.

"You, um, you can rent just one," Robin had said and blushed hotly.

"I know," he smiled and kissed her.

Damn, but his kisses really took her breath away. When she'd asked him what his secret was he just smiled and said 'Chap stick.'

Charlie liked him, Jackie liked him, Beatrice liked him, Brace liked him and flirted childishly with him, but Chuck was extremely jealous of him and told him to get out and go away and leave Sissy alone.

They stopped at a small restaurant and got some lunch. Robin looked across the table at him and shook her head in wonder. He was a wonderful man and treated her like she was a goddess. He had assured her that he was no 'Jimmy,' just interested in her because of her amputation.

"Robin, I fell in love with a brave young lady that stood in front of a bunch of perfect strangers..." he started.

"Perfect?" she teased. "I don't remember anyone being perfect in that room!"

"And just bared her heart and soul to us," Gene went on. "She didn't try to cover it up, didn't try to make it all cutesy or pretty."

"Did you say 'fell in love?'" Robin asked.

"Yeah," Gene admitted and looked away, embarrassed.

"I told you to rent one room, not two," Robin said and held her green eyes steadily, looking into his eyes when he looked back at her.

They drove the rest of the way to Lafayette, holding hands.

----

"And I hope my baby brother never ever needs to get any of these chips," Robin was concluding her story. "But if he does, I want you to be here for him, just like you were here for me when I needed you. And I promise, I'll do whatever I can to be here if your baby brother or baby sister comes in here and needs me. Thank you for listening to my story."

They held hands, circling the perimeter of the room and said the Lord's Prayer.

"Keep coming back, 'cause it works if you work it!" everyone chanted and then the hubbub of the people chattering took on a deafening level in the old church building.

A pudgy woman cautiously approached her and Robin smiled warmly at the woman.

"Um, hey, um," the woman started to say.

"Hi Angela," Robin smiled and hugged the woman.

----

"And I'm in this halfway house here in Lafayette, and they made us get all dressed up and come out here for this banquet," Angela said and lighted yet another cigarette. "And tomorrow I'll have four months of sobriety.

"I am so glad to see you and see that you're sober," Robin smiled.

"And I'm real sorry about hitting you when you was at my place 'cause now I know what you was trying to do, I didn't know nothing about them steps when you was standing there," Angela babbled.

"That's all right, I probably would have hit you if it had been you at my door," Robin said. "But now that you know what's going on, Angela, is there anything I can ever do to make it up to you?"

"Robin, I don't know of anything you can do, 'cause I don't know of anything you did wrong," Angela admitted. "I always felt so fucking empty inside and when you and I was lovers, I thought that would fill that emptiness, then when you showed me how to do a big old double, I thought that would do the trick, and when you and I got all drunk and shit, I kept hoping that would do the trick. Nothing, I mean nothing ever filled the emptiness inside. You didn't put it there, and I guess I just blamed you for not being able to fill it up."

"Yeah, but I made you fuck Luke so we could, so I could get dope," Robin said.

"And I would have fucked him and twenty or thirty other guys, anything at all to fill up that God-awful hole," Angela said. "Then when I found out I was pregnant, yeah, I was scared, but I was also hoping it would make me happy. But it didn't."

"What happened with the baby?" Robin wanted to know. "What'd you have, a boy or a girl?"

"a boy," Angela said and her eyes quickly watered up. "And he came out stillborn."

"Oh God, Angela!" Robin cried out. "Angela, I am so so sorry!"

"Yeah, well, I would have been a shitty mom," Angela said and stubbed out her cigarette.

----

She looked in the mirror of the Ramada Inn bathroom.

"Why do all motel bathrooms look exactly alike?" she wondered.

She looked at herself again. The nightgown was a pretty one, virginal white; she had to smile at that. She wanted to run a brush through her hair but her purse was out in the other room.

"Quit stalling," she chided herself.

She held her breath and opened the door to the bathroom. Gene smiled nervously and she returned the smile, just as nervous.

"We don't have to if..." he started to say.

"Mother fucker, Gene, shut up!" she exploded. "I'm nervous enough, don't give me any excuses to run out of here!"

"Fine, fine," he smiled. "Then how's this? Get in that bed, you sexy bitch."

"That's more like it, ass hole," she laughed.

He gently kissed her and began to unbutton the front of her nightgown.