Rocket Man

I'd been more angry than afraid. I'd been trying to punish Jack. I figured that knowing how afraid I was every time he went up was Jack's way of letting me know that what I wanted didn't matter. He was going to space, whether I wanted him to or not. So I punished him by giving the thing that he valued most to someone else.

Somehow, I failed to realize during all of that, how similar our situations were. Jack had no idea how attractive he was. Deep down, inside, Jack didn't see himself as the world did. He never saw the tall, well built, attractive, charismatic astronaut. He still thought of himself as that Michigan boy, who liked to drive his Mustang way too fast and knew every Star Trek episode by heart.

Jack always felt so inferior to all of the high priced well dressed lawyers that I worked with. He never realized that he was one in a million, and those guys were a dime a dozen. But it was different. As afraid as he was of losing me, Jack paid my way through law school and sent me off to work every day, because it was what I wanted. He trusted me. And I let my anger, and fear turn me into someone that he could no longer trust.

The worst part of the whole thing was the fact that I never got the chance to explain. We never spoke to each other after it was over. My parents told me that it hurt Jack so badly that he wasn't the same man anymore after it was over. He went from gregarious and outgoing to reclusive and quiet. "You broke his heart, Elizabeth," they said. They and everyone else looked at me as if I had deprived the country of one of the monuments.

No one saw how desperate I was to get back with my husband. No one saw how hard I fought the divorce. They only saw the mistakes I made. One of the biggest mistakes was that fucking book. I should never have agreed to that. I should have paid more attention to what was being written about us. The ghost writer I used had "spiced things up," to make the book more interesting so it would sell more copies. I had no idea that she'd done that until it was too late.

The TV show was another mistake. It was the first time that I'd seen Jack since before his last mission. I'd known Jack since we were five or six years old. I'd been with him more days than his mother had, and I had never seen the amount of pain on his face than I did that day. He had walked into that studio with his back ramrod straight and forced me to realize how badly I'd hurt him.

We still hadn't actually talked. Jack disappeared again afterwards and had won the divorce he'd sought. It was in therapy that I'd finally realized the truth. I had always considered what had happened between us to be balanced. I'd looked at it as both of us doing things that were wrong. I figured out if we ever got the chance to talk about it, Jack would see that, we would both say that we were sorry, and we would go on with our lives together.

My therapist made me see the truth. In the first place, I had known since we were children that Jack wanted to be an astronaut. We talked at length about what that meant. We had been children together watching the challenger launch, so I knew how strongly Jack wanted to go to space. Nothing was ever going to deter him. If I wasn't up to being an astronaut's wife, I shouldn't have married Jack.

Jack had his fears and insecurities too, only his had proven to be true. I had gone out and given something to other men that I should only have shared with Jack. The worst part of it all had been the fact that what Jack did that had angered me so much, had absolutely nothing to do with or against our marriage or me personally. But what I did, not only violated our marriage vows, but could be seen as a slight against Jack personally.

No one seemed to understand that what I had done had stemmed from desperation. It had been a cry for attention. No one understood how badly I'd wanted Jack to stay safe on the ground with me. We had missed out on doing so many things together because Jack was always either flying, training, or in space. This was all just a huge mistake. I was a human being. I just screwed up. It didn't mean that I didn't love Jack. Nothing could be further from the truth. I had just made a mistake.

After the TV show, my life had spiraled downwards. My family supported me after a fashion. They never vilified me, but it was clear that they thought I was wrong. My parents refused to take sides. Although they wouldn't discuss Jack or his whereabouts with me. They wouldn't tell him where I was or how I was either. There was a difference though. My sister pointed it out to me.

She had inadvertently let slip how sweet Jack was to fly halfway across the country to show up at my nephew's career day at school. He brought all sorts of props and samples, including a full-blown space suit. Half of the school tried to squeeze into the small classroom. There were parents, teachers, administrators, the principal, and even the town's mayor had shown up to see Jack. And he delivered. Jack had spoken for almost two hours, and the time had gone by so quickly that no one had realized it. Fortunately for the parents who had to go after Jack, it had been too late for them to speak, and they had to re-schedule.

"Why the hell didn't you tell he was going to be there?" I yelled at her.

"Liz, this had nothing to do with you," she'd yelled back. "This was all about Jack doing something really nice for my son, your nephew. Why would I risk ruining it to feed your ego?"

"It's not my ego," I screamed. "You know how desperate I am to have my husband back. I'm constantly asking you about him after every one of those family gatherings that he shows up at."

"It is ego," she countered. "It's self. All you ever consider is yourself. It's always about what Liz wants. Elizabeth, you have always gotten your way. You were always the smartest, prettiest girl in the school. You had Jack locked up before most of the girls we knew could even get a boy, any boy, to admit that girls weren't icky.

Liz, you're my sister and I love you. But you blew it. Your life has always been so perfect it seemed to be scripted. Do you remember your wedding? It was like something out of a fucking fairy tale. My own wedding, as much as we planned it for over a year and went into debt doing it, just seemed to be so much smaller and less regal.

Mom and Dad, helped to pay for it, and even they pointed out that my wedding cost more than twice what yours did. You had it all, Sis. You were like Cinder-fucking-rella. But you refused to live happily ever after. And you did it so stupidly, too. Not only did you cheat on the prince; you did it with the wolf.

Don't you remember you took me to your office a few times before all of this happened? I saw the TV show, Liz. I know who you cheated on Jack with. It was one of the lawyers you worked with. He was the office pussy hound. He even hit on me when I was there. He is not a nice man. He was only after what he could get from any woman who was stupid enough to give it to him.

So let me ask you a question. Where is he now? I mean you lost your husband and your marriage and your career. What happened to Mr. Pussy Hound?"

"Who knows who cares?" I said. "He was never important."

"Seriously," she asked. "You gave up the man of your dreams for a guy who didn't matter? Maybe I overestimated your intelligence."

"Maybe I over estimated you as a sister," I spat. What she had just said, all of it had hurt me. "I see now that you have taken Jack's side against me in this."

"Honey, anyone who knows you two saw the differences," she said. "When you guys split up; we were all shocked. You got angry. He just walked away. You pushed for a confrontation. You attacked him for no reason..."

"I never attacked him," I yelled. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Liz, calm down," she said quietly. "What did you think that book was? You accused him of abusing you. You even alluded to the fact that he might have been beating you. No one who knew the two of you ever believed it, but millions of stupid women out there did. You could have destroyed his reputation with the lies in that book. Then you went on all of those TV shows validating those lies. I never once heard you say that the things in the book weren't true. Even on the show when he showed up to refute them and showed that horrible video. It just seemed like he didn't even want to be there. Seeing that video seemed to hurt him, far more than it hurt you." She had again struck a nerve, and tears began to roll down my cheeks.

"So yeah, he made you look stupid on TV. He showed the world what a skank you were. However, it hurt him as much as it hurt you. Liz, you got even angrier after that show. You got more lawyers, and you moved away from your home. Did you ever once tell him that you were sorry? I remember that you kept asking for more money in the settlement. Mom and Dad told me that you were trying to get the money because you had blown a lot of yours on lawyers and traveling to promote that fucking book. And he just gave you the money didn't he? He didn't do what you wanted at all. No matter how ridiculous your demands were, he just gave in, right. There were two reasons for that, you know? The first was because he still loved you, and he wanted you to have whatever you needed. He knew that he could always work and get more money. He couldn't bear to see you destitute or suffering, even if you got that way because you wasted your money. The second reason was because he just wanted it over with. He couldn't actually stand seeing you again. Every time he saw you, he burst out crying, just like he did on that God Damned TV show."

"Shut up," I screamed. "Just shut the fuck up!"

"Why," she asked. "The truth hurts doesn't it? You took the guy ... A strong confident ... A national fucking hero and turned him into a wounded puppy. It's not our fault that none of us wants to kick him while he's down. And none of us are really picking sides, Sis. Sure no one's going to tell you where he lives or how he's doing. But we probably wouldn't tell him about you either. We're all neutral. Just move on with your God Damned life."

"How can I?" I screamed. "He IS my God damned life. And you can tell him anything about me that he wants to know. Tell him that I'm miserable. Tell him that I miss him, and I want him back. Tell him that I would die for a chance to talk to him. Give him my phone number. Give him anything he wants."

"That's just it, Sis. He never asks," she said. "It's like he's afraid even to hear about you. I'm sorry if that hurts you, but it's the truth."

I left her house, confused and even more intent on getting my husband back. Even more than my sessions with the therapist, my argument with my sister reminded me of my mistakes. The therapist had made me realize that what had happened wasn't very balanced. It had been mostly my fault. My sister had brought home to me just how badly Jack was suffering. I also realized something. It was something that no one but me would have realized.

Jack's retirement was probably my fault. Jack had two major loves, me, and space. I was suddenly sure that most people in the public thought that almost dying and losing a crewman had been the reason for Jack not going back to space. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it had been me. Losing me simply took away his desire for space.

I was sure that if he started over again, his third love, Mustangs would now play a huge part in his life. It didn't have to be that way though. I would give anything for another chance with Jack.

I truly tried to move on. I was still pretty. I had lots of offers for dates. I tried dating again too. None of the men made me feel the way Jack did. And they were all after something from me. Some of them only wanted me for sex. Others wanted money. Still others just wanted me on their arm like some sort of fucking trophy. They all had an agenda.

After a while, I just stopped dating. It wasn't worth the effort.

The next big thing in my life came on Easter Sunday when I went to church with my mom. There was a visiting evangelist there, Jethro A. Dallah. He was just beginning to make a name for himself on the national circuit.

After his sermon, he sought me out. "I seem to be drawn to you," he said. "I sense that you are going through a lot of emotional pain. I feel that the lord has enlisted me to alleviate that pain. Talk to me."

I looked into his eyes and saw that he was serious. I did something that I'd wanted to do for five years. I unloaded; I told him all of it. I told him how Jack and I met. I told him about us growing up together. I told him about us getting married and Jack becoming an astronaut. I told him about going to law school. I told him about my job with the law firm and Jack's refusal to retire and his continued trip into space.

I told him about how I felt about Jack going to space and what I did about it. I told him about our divorce and all of the mistakes, I'd made since.

"Forgiveness," he said loudly. "There are things that each of us must learn in order to earn our way onto the kingdom of Heaven. Your husband needs to learn how to put his pride aside and forgive. I believe that together, you and I can teach him to forgive."

I was dumbstruck. "You can get Jack to forgive me?" I asked.

"With God on my side, I have delivered much more difficult tasks," he said. "But you will have to follow my directions totally. There will be times when you do not understand the method to my madness, but I am sure we will succeed."

From that moment, I was all in.

I was working as a lawyer in a small firm in a small town so I had some income. I also had some of the money left from when I sold our house. Selling that house had killed me, but if I got Jack back we could buy or build an even better one. The truth is that if I got Jack back, I'd be happy living in a refrigerator box under a bridge.

Over the next few days, I go to know Jethro and his wife, Ellie. Even after I returned home, I stayed in contact with them. I got several texts and e-mails from them on a daily basis. Usually, they were just friendly greetings to remind me that Jethro was working in my problem, or reminders to pray. One of Jethro's stipulations was that I was supposed to pray at least three times a day for Jack to be returned to me.

Jethro visited me at my home several times, and usually he had Ellie with him. Although they tried to remain professional and put forth the image of a respectful married minister and his wife, I got the impression that a fire lurked beneath the surface.

It reminded me of how Jack and I were when we first got married. We would attend parties or other social events for NASA and on the surface; we were a very polite young couple. However, in the privacy of our hotel room, we got nasty. We experimented with all kinds of sex and named the things we did after the city in which we first tried it.

So if Jack was talking to a group of high school kids, and they asked him questions like, "What's your favorite city?" Jack would look at me when he answered. I knew that his answer to the question was meant for me.

"I'm thinking Omaha," he would say. Anyone watching me would probably have noticed the way I clamped my legs together, because Omaha had been the first city that Jack had eaten my pussy until I nearly blacked out. He had held my legs in those amazingly strong arms of his and refused to let go of them or stop. I had orgasm after orgasm on his talented tongue and when I thought it was too much and begged him to stop; he just kept going and going and going. So when he said Omaha, I knew what would happen to me as soon as we got back to our hotel room.

There are science museums all over the country. And Jack and I went to most of them representing NASA. Every time we hit one of them Jack came up with something new for us to try. He usually tried to link what we did to something that had something to do with the city. Even today if you mention certain cities, it gives me a reaction. Chicago, for example, is the Windy City. When I hear Chicago, I remember Jack blowing gusts of air across the tip of my clit until I exploded. The man made me cum buckets without ever actually touching me.

When someone mentions Detroit, I don't think about cars, even though Jack does. Detroit is the home and birthplace of Jack's beloved Mustangs. But Jack also told me that Detroit was a dirty and gritty city. Detroit was the first place that Jack fucked my ass. I didn't like it at first. And I told him that we were never doing it again. But I loved pleasing my husband as much as he liked pleasing me. There was also the random nature of it. It didn't happen every time or in every city, but as soon as someone mentioned Mustangs I was on alert. Because I knew that someone else would say something like, "That's the best car Detroit ever made." Jack would get that gleam in his eye, and I knew that he was going to fuck my ass as soon as we got into the room.

Jethro and Ellie reminded me of that. They had all kinds of secret looks passing between them.

On one of those visits, Jethro had me talk about my life. He wanted to hear the whole thing starting from my childhood. Surprisingly, he wasn't interested in my religious beliefs, or whether or not I went to church. He was mostly interested in Jack and I.

Jethro was so easy to talk to, and so un-preacher-like. I told him everything. I told him about my Michigan good girl upbringing. I told him about losing my virginity to Jack at twenty on our wedding night. I told him about our wild sex life. I told him about my hopes and dreams for growing old with Jack. I told him about my anger and frustration about Jack's inability to keep his fuckin' feet on the ground.

Most women only had to worry about their husband forgetting to put the God Damned toilet seat down. My husband couldn't remember to stay on the same Damned planet that I was on. I told him about how my frustration led to me cheating on Jack. And how my cheating on Jack led to my unwanted divorce, which led to me doing a lot of stupid things and ruining my life.

I expected to be judged. I expected to be reproached or at least to get a disapproving look. But he was smiling. It was a very strange smile.

Jethro told me everything about his church and their doctrine. They believed in forgiveness, not judgment. They also believed that sex between consenting adults was not a sin. Jethro had a vision and in that vision, he was destined to bring love and forgiveness to the world.

Jethro thought that he and I could help each other. He had already tracked down Jack. When he told me that, I freaked out. There were only two types of people in the world. One type, like my family, knew where Jack was and wouldn't tell me. The other type had no idea where Jack was.

I had tried several things. I'd spoken to everyone he used to be friends with. However, none of them would tell me anything. I had hired a private investigator, but he hadn't been able to find shit on Jack. When he tried to tap into the national database, he had been flagged by the FBI. They had tracked him down and hauled him into their regional office. He was told to cease and desist looking for Jack. If he was caught again, they would take his license and throw him into jail.

They also forced him to give up my name. So I was shocked when the FBI knocked at my door in the wee hours of the morning and gave me a very stern warning to leave Jack alone.

So I was willing to do anything to find Jack. If Jethro knew where Jack was I was on his side. I was on his side all the way until he told me what he wanted in exchange for his help.

Ellie was a short, chunky, bubbly woman who always had a smile on her face. She worshiped her husband more than she did their religion. As I've mentioned before, the two of them showed all of the signs of a very active sex life. So when Jethro told me that he wanted to have sex with me, I was floored.