Secret Prayer Ch. 01

"Interesting. Would you gentlemen like a drink? It was a hot day and I imagine you've been on your feet for most of it," Jarek said, fully aware that he still hadn't shared his name.

Gage and Tate looked at each other thoughtfully before Gage gave a nod of his head. "That would be much appreciated, thank you."

Looking at them carefully, Jarek stepped back away from the door. He was unsure if they were like vampires and needed to be invited in. Keeping an eye on them, he retreated to his kitchen in the open floor plan of the house and poured a couple of glasses of water. Gage seemed unsure whether they should follow him or not, but Tate stepped into the immediate entry way and waited, giving Jarek a smile any time he looked over at them in case they tried to do anything suspicious. When he came back with the waters, they both took it appreciatively.

"Would you two like to sit down? I never bite without consent..." Jarek told them.

"We'd love to," Tate replied while Gage looked thoughtful.

When the two of them sat down, Jarek could see them both give a look of relief, like they hadn't been off their feet the entire day and this was the first time they really had the chance to sit. Jarek sat across from them on the chair and waited for them to drink their fill. As they drank the water, Gage was glancing around the home a little, curious as to what kind of interests this man in front of him had. He just about choked on the water when he saw a box of condoms sitting on the end table.

The house was simply furnished but well-kept. It was clear that this man had lived here for a while and had acquired some furniture over time but was still on a budget. He had a mismatched living room set and they could see through the door into the single bedroom a matching bedroom set that had likely been sent to him by family members who outgrew a queen size or had upgraded to a king.

"So, did you leave the Catholic church or are you still a member?" Gage asked as he glanced over the textbooks on the coffee table.

"I left all that behind me when the church started denouncing people like me," Jarek said carefully.

Tate glanced over at Gage, who had a tense look on his face. Gage stayed silent, so Tate stated, "You mean queer people?"

"Yes," Jarek said. "I am pretty openly bisexual and a bit free with my body, so most churchy types don't like that about me."

"Our church is okay with your people, you know, so long as you don't ever partake in it," Tate commented, his tone of voice showing he didn't think highly of the directive.

"If you do, though, the church asks everyone who is a church going member to shun you to stay in good faith with the church," Gage added, his voice bitter as he said it. "They've even asked kids of gay couples in the church to stop speaking to them until they stop living a sinful life."

"Actually, the apostles retracted that recently," Tate pointed out. "Too many people left the church in droves over it. Something like over three thousand people left at the same time."

"Do you guys believe that your god is a perfect god, incapable of making a mistake?" Jarek asked, his tone conveying that he was being genuine and was asking to understand.

"It's taught that way, yes," Gage replied. "I...I don't know what I believe though."

"God doesn't make mistakes, but humans do," Tate added.

"Do you believe your god is a merciful god who has your best interests at heart?" Jarek asked.

"Yes," Tate replied while Gage just stared at the front cover of his Book of Mormon, like he wasn't sure he agreed.

"Okay, so help me understand why the constant testing. I'm sure you're going to tell me that your god gave me these 'sinful urges' as a means to test my faith in him but why make it so difficult? In my case it's an impossible task, honestly." Jarek said.

"Wouldn't it be easier for someone who was bisexual to walk away from those urges than for someone who claims to be gay though?" Gage asked him, though his mind was on his brother now. He wasn't able to ask his brother questions like these though. He always got upset or angry, and then it turned into a fight. He didn't know why he felt comfortable asking this stranger that. Maybe because he seemed so kind, or because he would probably never see him again soon.

"Not at all. If I told you that you had to walk away from the most amazing thing you've ever experienced to prove your faith, would you find it easy to do? What if there was no actual provable reward for it?" Jarek asked.

"How do you know if you're walking away from the most amazing thing you've ever experienced unless you've been intimate with someone, though?" Gage asked him. "I've never experienced that feeling, so maybe I just don't understand. And seeing as we've seen two different people leaving your apartment with you in half undress, it seems you haven't found the most amazing thing either yet."

"That's possible, or maybe I'm enjoying the thrill of being young and unencumbered while I work out what I like and need from a long term partner. Sexual compatibility is a small part of a relationship, but it's an important part!" Jarek told them, winking at Gage.

Tate chuckled at that while Gage looked thoughtful, his cheeks flushing a red color at the wink. He had been trying to get himself ready to get married once the mission ended, probably to a nice Mormon girl his parents helped him pick out. Sexual compatibility had never come to his mind, because he was fairly sure he couldn't get it up for a woman. He'd only dated women and hadn't gone very far; less because of his faith and more because it just wasn't happening, so he used religion as an excuse. This man in front of them was rocking some of the foundation of Gage's world by just being unapologetically himself.

"Sexual compatibility," Gage mumbled. "That's not exactly high on my list."

Jarek shrugged, "To each his own! I plan on marrying eventually and I believe in the institution, so I want to make sure that when I do it, it's for life. How can you fully commit to a loving, fulfilling relationship for that long without making sure you're as compatible as you can be sure about?"

Gage looked over at Tate who gave him a knowing look before Tate asked, "Do you mind if I smoke out back?" He didn't wait for an answer, though, just went out the back door from the kitchen and disappeared outside. Jarek watched him confusedly as he left.

"I didn't think you guys did that sort of thing?" Jarek asked.

"You're not supposed to, but some do. My dad is a smoker and has been my entire life," Gage replied. "Apparently Tate likes to indulge in things he's not supposed to. Meanwhile, I've spent my life making sure I didn't, so while what you say about compatibility is commendable, it doesn't pertain to me any. I'll be expected to go home, marry a nice LDS girl, have kids, and raise a family. Sexual compatibility doesn't come into play here."

"Why not? Didn't your god make you to enjoy sex?" Jarek asked, trying to understand.

Gage shrugged at that. "I wouldn't know. Perhaps not, if my ex-girlfriends are anything to go by."

Jarek looked understanding and sympathetic. "Maybe girls aren't who you're meant to enjoy sex with?"

"Kind of a cruel twist of fate, though, isn't it?" Gage asked him. "To grow up in a religion that tells you to abstain completely from who you are attracted to, and to just marry a woman to get into heaven. Maybe our God isn't so loving and kind as they make us believe."

Jarek put his hand comfortingly on Gage's knee. He had been through a similar crisis of faith a while ago. Gage looked down at Jarek's hand, both loving and hating how good it felt. He could just barely catch the scent of Jarek then, followed by the scent of body wash. It was a good scent, and he almost leaned into him before he caught himself, his cheeks heating up with a blush at his own thoughts.

"I'm sorry," Gage said quietly. "We're not really supposed to talk about things like this with people we see while on the mission. We'd get in trouble for it if one of us told on the other, or you told on us."

"Do people actually do that? Tell on you, I mean," Jarek asked, reluctantly removing his hand from Gage's leg when he realized how uncomfortable it was making him.

"Yes, they do," Gage replied with a nod. "It gets them on the Mission President's good side, and some believe it brings them closer to God or the Apostles."

"You've mentioned Apostles a couple of times now. Do y'all have living apostles?" Jarek asked incredulously.

"Yes, twelve living apostles that are part of the Quorum," Gage said. "Many others have passed on, but the church members and leadership are supposed to follow what they say God has told them. Their word is supposed to be considered almost as high as God's, you know what I mean? We aren't supposed to question them. Though, their decisions have changed over the years. One prophet said that blacks should never be allowed to take the priesthood, while later ones changed that."

Jarek thought about that for a moment. "I'm not certain how I feel about that, to be honest. The Catholic religion, along with most other Christian-based abrahamic traditions, stopped referencing living people long ago."

"I've noticed that in my readings and talks with people of other religions," Gage replied and put his book down on the coffee table before turning in his seat to better look at Jarek. "To be completely honest with you, I've been questioning the religion for a while, especially after my brother came out as bisexual and how badly that went for him. I have a little less than a year left here before I go back to Utah and have to figure out the path of my life, and how much influence my family has on that. I'm just trying to survive the time here as best I can."

"I can understand surviving, and how limiting it can be of your worldview. I hope you can thrive eventually. It makes a world of difference, believe me," Jarek said before impulsively holding out his hand. "Jarek Phillips."

"Gage Belford," Gage replied and took Jarek's hand to shake it. "And here I thought you'd keep that like a closely guarded government secret."

"Well, depending on where you met me, there would have been a possibility of never learning it. Most folks that spend a night here never care to know it," Jarek said with a shrug, holding the handshake for a few heartbeats longer than was absolutely necessary.

Gage swallowed hard at that, understanding what Jarek meant though he had never had a casual hookup, and locked eyes with him. "Well, I cared to know it, but also wasn't going to be pushy about learning it. Of course, we live almost 1,400 miles from each other, so in the long run it might not matter, but it'd be nice to know you by your name rather than..." Here he stopped, because he realized he almost said the nickname Tate had been calling him, and his cheeks flushed red at that. Gage's pale skin gave away his thoughts too often.

"Oh? Are you familiar with my... stage name?" Jarek asked, impressed momentarily.

Gage managed not to widen his eyes too much before shaking his head. "No, just what Tate has gotten into the habit of calling you."

Jarek's eyes widened in turn, "Ah. My mistake." He was suddenly self-conscious, for the first time since he had walked away from Catholic school at 16.

Gage gave him a reassuring smile. "Whatever you have to do to survive deserves no judgment from me. I mean, Tate has been calling you Mr. Goodbody, so I don't think we have room to judge you anyway."

That pulled an unexpected laugh from Jarek. "Survive? Oh, Gage... I've been using my 'night job' to do more than that. I've put myself through college and now grad school and lived independently with no debt while doing it. But my 'Goodbody' will only look like this for so long. I have to take advantage of my youth while I have it."

"Perhaps I underestimated how much someone could make at a job like that," Gage admitted. "I can't imagine putting myself through college, let alone grad school without help from my parents, or working at least three jobs simultaneously. Maybe I'm less motivated than you though."

"I've got a day job helping out a local restaurant during the lunch rush, but that's mostly so I have a socially acceptable explanation for how I made it through school without parental support later," Jarek shared. "Good grades and scholarships have helped a lot as well. I study nearly as hard as I work."

"I'm a little surprised you even have time to have this conversation," Gage joked.

"Some things are worth making time for," Jarek said with a wink.

"Careful, I could get used to that kind of joking sweet-talk," Gage replied with a half smile.

"Who said I was joking?" Jarek mumbled as he stood up to refill Gage's water.

Gage watched him as he walked back into the kitchen, unable to easily hide the look of longing on his face from that mumbled response. If he spoke to the bishop here or the Mission President, they would tell him to stay away from the person who was tempting him like this, but Jarek seemed to be one of the only bright points of this mission right then. He could avoid him if he had to, but he didn't want to. Gage wondered whether this was his first big step away from the church, which caused some mixed feelings inside of him. Pain, fear, guilt and shame, but at the same time excited, curious, and the very slight scent of freedom on the horizon.

"You're dangerous, Mr. Phillips," Gage murmured.

Jarek returned with the water and a glass of orange juice for himself. "How long do you think your friend is going to take with his... breath of fresh air?" Jarek asked curiously.

Gage shook his head at that. "I'm not sure, to be honest. I'm still getting used to him as a companion so I couldn't say for certain. I don't imagine it takes too long to smoke a cigarette though."

Jarek decided to steer the conversation away from religious differences for a bit. "What do you do that's just for you?"

Gage smiled a genuine smile for the first time since they had met. "I like being outdoors, doing things like dirt biking, hiking, fishing in the canyons back home. I also play hockey, and used to play soccer. I hunt too but that was my dad's influence. If I hunt now, I like to try and use the whole animal. I love to work with my hands too, doing things like making furniture and fixing up homes. What about you? Besides," Gage looked at one of the books on the table before he continued, "neuromuscular dysfunction?"

"I don't have a lot of time for hobbies, but I worked out at the same gym long enough that someone there paid for my Personal Trainer certification and I started helping folks get more fit. At the time, I was sort of floundering on what to do with my life and didn't have any direction. My academic advisor frequented my gym and asked me if I had considered the Physical Therapy Professional course of study here. I've basically been focusing on work and school -- and the occasional hookup -- ever since," Jarek gushed.

"It must be nice to know what path you want to take for your life like that," Gage commented. "I imagine with your dedication that your grades are stellar as well."

"Oh, I still have no idea if this will be my long-term career goal or not, but I like learning about it and if I can help people in the meantime?" Jarek said, coloring a bit in slight embarrassment. "My grades are okay. I've been on the Dean's List a few times..."

"I'm pretty sure they'd have to be more than okay to make it on the Dean's List more than once, but what do I know? I haven't gone to college yet," Gage replied with a shrug.

Before either of them could say anything more, the back door opened and Tate came back inside, smelling like mint and cigarettes. "We should get back to the apartment soon. You know how they feel about us staying out late, plus you wanted to go with that family to go biking tomorrow, remember? While I sit with the wife and little kids and drink lemonade, hopefully. Such wholesome fun."

Gage snorted at his companion before looking over at Jarek. "We can experience the city, events, and the like that we're at so long as it's with people who are interested in speaking to us about the religion more. So a family offered to take us to one of the parks where they have trails for hiking and biking."

"That is very interesting! I'll have to try to find more interesting activities for your next visit than sitting around my living room. It was good meeting you, Elders," Jarek said, rising and shaking their hands before walking them out of the house.

Both Elders shook his hand and thanked him for his time before they walked down the steps and back toward their apartment. Tate chuckled at Gage as they walked along, because he seemed so much lighter than he had ever seen his companion before. They got back to their mostly bare apartment before it got too dark, made a simple dinner, and went to bed.

Gage spent a long time looking out the window by his bed, thinking about the conversion he'd had with Jarek, as well as about Jarek's hand on his knee. He had less than a year left on his mission, and he didn't know what he was going to do about these feelings, but right then, he just wanted to get to know Jarek however he could.

The rest of it could wait until later.