All Comments on 'Serpent's Trail'

Stringing together six more pages of incomprehensible redneck trailer trash garbage that is supposed to be a "story." Boring, poorly written snooze fest. You seemed more comfortable when you posted over in gay.

"He has a swimming pool!" God, that was enough for me. Is that the best you got?

On Texas BBQ? Go back to Louisiana with your sauced Brisket. Monster!

They all seem to be written by the same person. I'd hate to be them.

Anyway, I enjoyed the story and always appreciate your work.

My problem wuth the story, other than it being so sad, was Mike’s speech pattern. He sounded like he was from SE Texas or Louisiana from the very start of the story. His speech didn’t drift over the ten-plus years he was down there, but started that way when he was in Colorado. Now, I realize it’s hard for a writer who does naturally speak in a dialect, to not have his chatacters to not themselves speak in dialect, but it is disconcerting.

Oh, and did I mention the story was sad?

I like that. My dad (career military from WWII to Vietnam) loved Bertrand Russell. I painted a portrait of him for my dad’s office when I was ten years old, before I knew who he was. Thanks for the story. Sad ending, but in the end, life always is. *****

A male character that doesn't simply get a vasectomy because his wife said so! Man when the kids shit on their dad that hurt. I can understand that because kids suck. I sucked when I was a kid and could possibly picturing me doing that.

As always great to see another story from you. Yeah that was sad. Kind of depressing. Sometimes no matter what people say, it can be too late.

A great story which was tragic and loving

I know you don't really take in the comments from readers and write these for yourself. But why kill Michael? He was a good character and I wanted to see what happened to him and that was not what I expected. The story was good until that happened.

while the stand up and stand alone men become fruitful and multiply, TK U MLJ LV NV

Good story, yeah. Sad, but good ending.

I loved it. You spin a great tale. Keep up the great work.

efforts.

When a character pours out the Coors, you know he hasn't given up on life.

You don't write "Mike was sad." You let the painful conversations between him and his first offspring convey the emotions--allowing the reader to "wear Mike's life" for a time. Though not alone, you're one of the treasured authors for me on this site. Thank you for another reasonably uncomfortable wander down the path of love, marriage and being just us folks.

Interesting little story only 3 stars for me. Call me a sap but I like a story to have at least one good person in it. I guess Precious was a decent human but everyone else including Mike come off as juvenile and petty. But it was written okay just didn’t care for the characters.

This was a well written story but I think the bitter ending brought the scoring down. 5*

Like a Disney movie, the dad gets killed off. That sucked. I had to read that part twice to make sure I didn’t misread it. I was a little disappointed that a man of Mike’s character didn’t carry over to the first set of kids at all.

A great wife and has an orgasm during a BJ? Liked anal too? Did I read DD? And went to the Burger Barn? Luckiest man in the world. Although, I like breasts of all sizes. There was a place where I grew up called Peaches. Best burgers ever!

You had to have it with bacon and cheese.

I wonder what the “true” thought’s of a woman is for sex is from her husband.

🤘

I believe I'm in the minority, but I still find the dialect off-putting. I guess I have to accept it in DeGarde, but as someone else said, why were the people in Denver speaking like that?

Regarding the girl at the lake, her crotch was covered by a STRING of fabric?! Is he talking to her or himself?

Are they divorced? If so, she can still be Rhonda Morrison, but she's NOT Mrs. Morrison!

"We were together for fourteen years; can't be a little nicer to me?" - Has she forgotten how she dumped him, how she let their kids dis him?

Did his lawyer see the rehab bills? I wouldn't be surprised that he was paying the whole bill, not just half!

"He obviously had no idea of the guilt she'd been carrying around for the past four years." - Only four years of guilt? Why not seven and a half?

She's so broke, how did she pay the air fare, how is she paying for the wedding? How did she pay HER half of all that rehab?

LOL, Toni tells him that she's not IN love with him, then seems disappointed that he feels the same way!

Why was Toni crying at Michael's wedding? She wasn't in love with him, she loved him, should be glad for his happiness.

Michelle's still a little bitch! Let her walk herself down the aisle!

I thought Rhonda said that it would "mean so much" to Michelle for her Daddy to walk her down the aisle?

I realize that every story doesn't have to have a happy ending, but killing off Mike? Nu-uh!

Why is Russell asking Michelle about his Dad? It should be the other way around!

@Anonymous Re: "So so" - I disagree that Michael was "juvenile and petty"! His family shit all over him, his kids couldn't even be bothered to see him on his birthday, yet he fulfilled all his obligations, never tried to avoid them.

I wonder if the "true" feelings vary between 7am and 10pm...my first wife, after a multi-year fun-filled engagement, changed within 72 hours of saying our vows. Not for the better.

Good story line for the most part but the Cajun creole language was not needed .

Being from CO nobody talked that way. I would have liked to have seen some renewed relationships with the kids. You got a solid 3 from me.

The vernacular is a bit off-putting. Colorado accent? lol. The story was well told and had some interesting twists and turns along the way. 5*

It was a well written story and I was really enjoying it until you killed Mike, which turned it into a huge downer and totally ruined it.

The guy lost his wife and two kids he loved, left town a broken man, managed to rebuild a life for himself... then gets randomly stabbed, leaving a lovely woman a widow raising four kids on her own.

Not only that, his first son was repeatedly raped by his paedophile stepfather and his first granddaughter dies just after childbirth!

God damn! If it went on another page, I dread to think what would've happened to Precious and her kids!

Nice story. Like all your stories it was entertaining even if I didn't like the ending but, just like in real life, we aren't the architects of our destiny. We have no idea when the end will come. Keep up the good work.

that Mike got killed, but then I remembered you can't become a saint until you die. For everything life threw at Mike, he still found a way to turn things around. He left his current wife and kids well off. Despite the way his first wife and kids treated him he continued to pay for the insurance policies for the two kids. Saint Mike, I like it.

Good story, not everything works out like it should in life.

A well written story, and while the death was abrupt and odd, that he died and how people reacted had a realism to it. Life is alas not always neat.

You do seem to have everyone in the country now use that same Louisiana accent in dialogue however. Apparently there has been an invasion :)

I liked the tale very much. I was disappointed that you chose to kill the main character off. Just felt like needless drama. You are the author thiugh, so was up to you. Best "revenge" is to move on with your life and be happy.

Some of the good old boy language has worn thin, but it was pretty good until you decided to kill them off at the end. Not sure why you did that, but it ruined the story for me.

Though some thought the Ending was 'disappointing' -or- 'not good'; IMHO is was reality & more.

Another Excellent Short Story

Nice to see your putting more time into character development, the only real complaint I have is that your stories are too short:)

Thanks again

Thanks for sharing another great story!

to bad the good guy had to die

Your best tale yet, I really got into the character Mike, was disappointeed he died so banal a fashion.

Whether you'd planned it early on or decided late in the game?

Enjoy your stories, and like the accuracy of your "local lingo" for the Louisiana/Cajun area. It would make a better story if you didn't use the same slang in, for instance, Colorado as you did in this story. No one there, regardless of economic or other situation, would use this speech pattern (except for the occasional transplanted Cajun).

Minor quibble. Keep up the good work.

That heavy Cajun accent is sort of like a Scottish accent, in that it isn't so bad to hear, but it's a chore to try and read. I don't think it's ever really necessary to do more than hint at an accent in a story meant for a broad readership, but it was especially counterproductive in this story, considering the accent made no sense in this context.

Thanks for the story.

Cog

The fact that Mike's death is so affecting is proof of the power of your story-telling. Of course like everyone else I was hoping for a happy ending, but not all stories have them.

I really enjoy your stories--thank you for sharing them with us. You are not only a good story-teller but enliven the tales with a great sense of humor, something that is not easy to pull off.

ohio

Generally, a good story...but....

So Mike's two children, 12 and 10, followed their mother into a new relationship. That happens a lot. Rhonda's fault more than theirs.

And then, they weren't thrilled to be with their dad on his 39th birthday. Hey, they are 12 and 10. Not the best time of life to make thoughtful decisions. So Mike just ups and leaves, and makes no effort to contact them or explain his feelings.

And the implication is that it is Rhonda's fault the kids turned out selfish and amoral like her. But where was Mike? Yes, their mother was a selfish bitch....but Mike just up and left, and once a year sent them a $10 gift certificate to a burger place Mike liked.

I'm not going to run a story through Google translate to read it. Two stars.

6 pages is a lot of work, very compelling and poignant writing.

Thanks for sharing your hard work on Lit!

only because I care to I'll add my thanks for writing above the 3rd grade and keeping to a 5th grade comprehension level. As always the mild warning to

"Beware of shit from anonymous assholes".

I read strictly for my own entertainment and it certainly was indeed pleasurable entertainment.

x

I enjoyed the story. I was sad at the ending because I like the Mike character. I am frustrated by your tendency to simply leave words out of sentences, particularly in dialog. I know this is sometimes a good tool for showing that a person speaks in a particular dialect, but sometimes it distracts from the story. The reader already has assigned a dialect to the character as they read. The omission of words serves as a distraction and looks like poor editing.

“They cut up my shoe get it off” The word “to” is important to this sentence and is the first we hear of Precious’ voice. Mike omits this word in a comment shortly after this in the story also. It detracts from the story rather than adding flavor as I am sure it was intended.

Again. I love the story’premis and Was truly touched by Mike’s death and you do not over do Audrey’s cuteness at the funeral which is great! So many writers over play that card. Thank you for sharing.

Bummer. Good story with inorganic ending. Im not against Mike's sudden demise per se , just the how of it. He couldn't have passed in a construction accident ? I read about them all the time. Other then that, Jimbob44 was in top amateur author form.

Bottom Line : I thank the author for sharing.

I like your tendicy to leave words out.

Call it Country perhaps.

Liked you story and always stop when I see your handle.

Thanks!

L

It read more like a police report than a story and it was entirely unrealistic.

2*for the plot and 1* for the writing.

Sorry but it was lousy imo

No need to rehash the evil moments but it was still interesting and enthralling.

I love your stories, and appreciate your hard work. I’m not a huge fan of the dialog— the broken slang. It might be appropriate for some characters, but I’ve been to Texas and not every person (including lawyers and teachers) talks like an uneducated moron.

Solid ***.

I'm g;ad you're writing for yourself - hope you're happy with the result. I'm guessing your either Cajun, or from them thar parts. Then again, you might be Canadian - I keep waiting for an "eh" what with all the "huh" and "uh's"

It was an okay story. Audrey was great, Precious was fine. Bertrand/Russell sure. I kept waiting for a reason to continue reading and then suddenly he was dead - BAM! And that was that.

I only made it to page 4, but was this a paper for high school English Lit class? Did you submit the sex story to high school and the boring drama story to Literotica.com?

I liked the first five pages of this story, but the ending is a real downer. I realize shit happens, but all I have to do is watch the local news (Houston area) for bad things; would prefer happy endings where possible.

little of everything here, betrayal, malice, karma, jealousy, tradgedy and humour all wrapped up in a FREE story.

jimbob44 is imho the best "loving wives" author giving us regular stories to look forward to that aren't just gung ho, gun fetish, revenge fantasies.

thankyou for posting jimbob.

Jesus Christ! What a way to end it! Fantastic storytelling, as usual, just a dark, somber ending.

JimBob, once again you have entertained us with a slice of life served up fresh and tasty.

5/5

I realized that it was so good that I’d read it to the end, and it moved me to tears. Joy or tears, regardless, what else could you ask a story to do? I then deservedly gave it five stars. Thanks for your effort!

Congratulations on a wonderful story and thanks for sharing your talent.

The ending was painful

lets see pack up and leave town because a 10 and 13 year old kids are immature

really!!! add to that leave your kid in the clutches of a predator and somehow his

ex or her parents never tell him so the kid just rots total suspension of belief on that

one these are big holes in this otherwise well written story.

One of the things I like about JB44's fictional universe is that good tings happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. And sometimes, bad things happen to good people. In those cracks is where the stories lie. That said, Some characters get short changed. If you are young, female and poor, your best bet is to be rescued. Not always, but that's usually how it works. Young, poor men usually seem to pull them selves up by their own bootstraps. I'd like to see this formula reworked.

That's nitpicking because I really thought this was of JB44's best stories.

I think it's time for JB44 to start thinking about a Netflix mini series.

After my wife left the kids and I for a furniture mover, this story gives me hope that we can move forward to better things if we want it. Thx

Normally really like your writing, but this one was not up to your usual standards. Enough with the Cajun vernacular.

What more could you want? Really sad ending but our lead character was living and loving large at the time of his freakish demise. While this may not be your best, it's in the 90+percentile. Love your stories and appreciate you sharing them.

In what part of the US do construction workers knock off after just eight hours? Hasn’t been in my experience! The 7 am start time is right, but few knock off before 5.

. . . that Mike abandoned his kids’s lives, even though he kept up with his financial responsibilities. In one way, that’s the better thing to do, rather than two exes using the kids as weapons against each other.

So his 12 year old daughter and 10 year old son act snooty and aren't "super excited" to hang out with dad, he just packs up and turns his back on them? If he feels his ex-wife is not the best influence he doesn't stick around to make sure he has some influence in how they grow up? Anything could happen and it sounds like it did with junior getting raped by the new husband.

Yeah, Rhonda was selfish, but so was Mike in taking the easy way out. A good parent does anything for his/her kid(s) including putting aside their ego and hurt and making sure they're there if the kids need them.

I especially appreciate a rarely portrayed reality: shitty parents make shitty kids.

Mike's biggest mistake was marrying Rhonda to begin with. He set himself up for all her betrayal and cruelty from that point forward. She was a selfish self-serving grasping bitch when he met her. So what kind of wife and mother did he expect? She's the type who orders the most expensive thing on the menu, then leaves most of it uneaten, and is repulsed by the idea of taking home the leftovers. She expects an expensive gift and flowers on every fucking occasion, makes you wait 30 minutes after you come to pick her up for a date, but can't remember your birthday. He set himself up for her eventual deceit and betrayal.

And the kids, mostly under Rhonda's influence, were just like her, which makes sense. I'm always amazed by authors who make the wife a cheating selfish slut, but somehow the children are solid ethical compassionate people. Possible, but not very likely. Children, especially young children, tend to take their lead from the most influential parent. Since Mike was apparently disconnected from his wife's behavior and morals, his children reflect their mother's personality. You maintained a realistic consistency until the funeral. The weeping regretful Michelle made no since whatsoever. And why would Rhonda even come to the funeral? What the fuck did she care? Oh, yeah, at the end she's so sorry. Bull shit. I agree that you flubbed the ending. Not sure what happened, because up to that point it was a great story.

Thanks for effort. Too bad you dropped the ball 1 yard from the goal.

very well written. I didn't see the ending coming. I tried to stop reading it but just couldn't. I will watch for more of your work in the future. You are definitely a gifted writer, as sad as the ending was I really enjoyed your story.

I don't think the ending was bad, it felt pretty real to me. As the bitch of an ex wife looks at the wreckage she caused it's no surprise she had some thoughts.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people and now Precious is alone. Let's hope she holds out for a good man to help her with her family and her own needs. Sounds like another story to me.

R.

Kids who dis their parents deserve no parents. We were raised to respect ours.

Mom died when my little bro was a kid, he was devastated, didn't do much for me at 13 either. Would've given anything to save her. Dumb ass brats don't care for their dad, to hell with em. 10 is plenty old to know right from Wrong.

Hated the ending, I grew to like the guy and feel sorry for him thinking he deserved some happiness. Then when it looked like he had got that and moved on from those who shit on him you go and kill the bloke. Really really shitty sad ending thanks for spoiling the whole thing for me.

. . . turned off a lot of readers, but it was different, and shows that just because you live life the best you can, you can still die young, for no real reason at all. Life isn’t fair.

It brought the story to a definite end.

Um, he had no idea the step-father was a predator. Maybe if the kids had taken a visitation with him, they could have said something, then he could have done sonething!

Was an enjoyable read. Didn't especially like the ending; just like I didn't like my wonderful wife dying of ovarian cancer either. But she was awesome and such was the terrible ending of her life. So this good story, can have a sad ending!

Well done, even if it was sad.

damn good read....thanks for sharing.

Adding you to my "do not read" list. Just skip to the end and give it a one. Racist as hell, and only a racist wouldn't see that.

Another gem from the master of unusual writing.

What a powerful story!

It held my attention from the first line to the last.

Kinda like a bestselling novel does.

Hat's off to you JimBob!

Top ratings from me.

Hard to understand, really. And 6 pages of it to boot. Little, if any, made sense. 2*.

Great story, thank you for sharing it with us.

Our hero is in for it! He should've left the kid with the droopy pants who he knocked on his ass at least a buck. Some day he might be back there, and when he comes back out all his tires might be flat.

This was a terrific story. I had no problem with dialogue. I would have preferred a happier ending, but it wasn't my tale.

This was a fully earned and accredited five.

Good night John Boy. I mean Jim Bob.

Jedd Clampett (carvohi)

P.S. I admit it. Any time a different writer gets a comment from Ohio or HDK I do get a little jedalous.

Great read but you got me at the end. Bittersweet

Great read but you got me at the end. Bittersweet

Pretty different for JB44, so five it is.

Shitty ending could have done better

I didn't like the ending because I'd come to care about Mike; but it was still a damn good story.

It's kind of funny -- the comments from folks like Ohio, people who can really write and know what makes a good story, are often very positive to the point of being rave reviews. Yet quite a few of the anonymati, (or is it "illiterati"?) somehow can't make it through this very good story.

They're morons.

JimBob44,

I always look forward to your Loving Wives stories. Thanks for keeping me entertained. This was another great one!

I come here for sexy stories, to be honest, but these always pull me in. Enjoyed this just as I’ve enjoyed you’re others. Thank you!

I didn't like Mike's demise at all, he deserved a "better" fate! It would have been a 5-Star rating. Nicely done.

While the ending was sad; this was a great example of why people should think about the repercussions of their actions. Rhonda's need for more is what eventually killed her son. Micheal's demise however was the responsibility of the man who killed him. Mike knew true happiness after Rhonda; his life; short; was well lived.

As I was reading through this, I realized this story was too close to home. The major difference was, I didn't lose two, I lost one. I realize this was fiction, however it dose happen.

That was a fine story and well told. 5 x 2

a great story, but man, you're cruel to your characters by killing him off! i hate it when you authors do this, but it's your story! many thanks!

Best of the “slice of life” authors here in Literotica LW.

Jim Bob,

It has been a while. I took a vacation away.

Saw your name and it was good. Tho sad.

Keep it up hoss.

MCPO JIM

Is absolutely one of the best writers going. His characters have depth and personality, you can get to know them early in a story. You know who is good and not so good. There are things you see coming and there are twists and surprises. I thought the new wife was a slimmed down Toni, whom he called Precious. No, it was the girl from the lake. Rhonda and the kids stayed true to character to the end. No sugar coating that relationship. Mike's death was the biggest, and most unwelcome surprise. It takes confident, and brave author to kill off the main character in a story. Especially one that so many invested a lot of feeling in. A lot of the comments showed just how much we all appreciate your stories and your style. Thank you, and keep it up.

Really enjoyed the story. Always good to see one of my favorite authors still posting. Again, enjoyed the story and thank you for sharing.

Talis

You're the best author on this site. My only comment is that I would have liked to see a little more dialog between Mike and his daughter, in the burger bar. When Michelle implied he had shat all over her in the past, why didn't Mike ask when did he ever do that? That could have lead to an interesting conversation, bringing out both their recollections, and perhaps some closure. But anyway, great story, and thanks again for posting.

Maybe I'm getting used to it, but it didn't seem quite so noticeable here as in your other stories.

It's still off-putting, though, and I see that I'm not the only one who feels that way.

A couple of different examples:

"I'll pahk the cah," he said, OR "I'll park the car," he said in his Boston accent.

"I-I-I'll p-p-park th-th-the c-c-car," he said, OR "I'll park the car," he stuttered.

I think that most people would find the first half of those examples awkward.

Google "Maine slang" and imagine reading a Mainefiddleheads story if he used them!

How to rate this story. The author a bit out of his depth writing dialog for Colorado natives. Native Arkansas boy here with a mom from the north. She never quite shed her accent even after 60 years. Most people have hard time placing me because of my odd accent.

Advise stay with your "A" team. Get a kick out of their shennagens.

Recommend laying off the hard liquor before writing the ending for the hero.

Keep writing, JimBob

how to take this story. I enjoyed it right up to the part that Mike got killed. I know that all stories can't be feel good types with a happy ending but I wish this one was. Well written but the dropping of words and pronouns in the dialog takes a little getting used to. thank you JinBob44 for your hard work. I gave you a "4" for your characters and plot line. IMHO the death of Mike could have been left our. Thanks again.

Woodmanone

Brilliant story as always.

Need more than 5 stars to rate your stories

Got a point there. Although I do like reading the dialect in JimBob stories. I couldn't deal with reading a Boston accent. Maybe it's because I've lived here my whole life and don't want to read it too, I don't know.

I like at the end of stories you tell us where all the other stories the characters came from.