Siblingly Binding Ch. 04

"Shannon, I swear to god that I—"

"I know, honey... but I want to feel it. I want to get back home and for my man to have the boner of his life when we kiss. I wanna be able to make love five times a night for months. I don't want to work so hard every time just to get five minutes."

I nodded, pain shooting through me. "I understand. You mean so much to me. If you weren't, I wouldn't even bother."

She returned my doleful gaze. "And you mean so much to me..."

"Shit," I sighed, tearing up. "This is so fucking hard and painful."

She was now weeping. "But maybe this is not the end. Maybe it's just a setback or a pause. Maybe you'll be able to fix whatever that holds you back... and you'll come find me when you do. If fate wants us together... I'll be waiting."

I nodded. "Come here."

We kissed for minutes in a painful, tearful embrace.

I let her go and started for the door. "I pray that fate does want us together."

***

It was more than painful breaking up with Shannon since I wasn't even aware of how much more I was feeling for her until we had broken up. I might not have been in love with her, but I was damn close to be, and my heart ached all the way back home. Breakups suck. During the three hours I was out, Brooke had been calling and texting me incessantly. I ignored her calls and didn't text back, but she was ripping my heart out of my chest with her texts: begging me not to fuck Shannon, begging for forgiveness, begging... telling me how much I'd be hurting her... that was a big part of why I had decided to break up with Shannon.

Brooke was more important to me romantically or otherwise. How could I sleep with Shannon knowing that it would gravely pain my sister, the woman I loved, the woman who loved me... I hated Brooke. She didn't allow me to try living without her; she didn't allow me to try maintaining a normal relationship; she didn't allow me to escape her... and Shannon was such an incredible person that she didn't deserve a lowlife like me. Who was I to deprive her of sex? Of love? Of intimacy?

I retuned home just after 1 a.m. and went upstairs. I quietly opened Brooke's door, careful not to wake her up, but she was up nonetheless, lying in her bed in total darkness... weeping in silence.

"Did you do it? Did you..."

Her stifled sob kept her from finishing.

I lay next to her, looking absently up the ceiling. "Brooke," I sighed, "I hate you so much."

She turned to face me, studying my face. "You didn't... you didn't!"

I shook my head. "I guess it is my reality after all."

She mounted me, lying flat as she tearfully stroked my cheek. "Josh, baby, rules or no rules, I'm kissing you now."

I nodded. "Please."

She pressed her lips to mine and slipped her tongue into my mouth. It was such a powerful and intimate kiss that I felt like crying. I longed for her with every cell in my body. We tangled and lapped in such a tender, slow-paced kiss.

I needed to force myself to exit her sweet mouth an hour later, gazing into her eyes in agony. "What are we going to do?"

"Whatever you want, sweetheart," she softly whispered. "I just want us to be happy."

My eyes got another visit from those tears from earlier. "Do you think... we might never be happy?"

"No way. With a love like ours? It's not possible."

Tears were now running down my cheeks. "Then why do I feel so sad?"

She stroked my tears off. "Sweetheart, don't cry... I love you so much. It breaks my heart to see you so sad."

The house was silent, and her room was pitch dark as she was lying atop me, an aching expression on her face.

"I broke up with Shannon," I sighed in tears. "It was really hard... harder than I thought."

"You did?"

I nodded, sniffling. "Why don't you just... let me go, Brooke?"

She shook her head. "I can't, baby. I tried, trust me... I can't do that."

She gave me an emotional kiss before sending me her bright loving gaze in the darkness.

"Did you really go see a shrink because of me?"

"Don't do that, Josh. You're hurting now, and you want to hurt more, but I won't let you."

I shut my eyes only to open them and have my tears streaming down my cheeks. "So you did go to a shrink..."

She kissed my eyes and tears but didn't confirm or deny.

"I don't deserve to live," I sighed. "I hurt you. I hurt Shannon. That's all I do... hurting."

"But it's not what you're doing now, is it?" she whispered, her voice affecting and sentimental. "You're loving me now. You're making every tear I shed because of you worth it. Every hurt I felt, every heartache... you're worth it, Josh. All of it."

"I don't want to be sad anymore, my love."

Brooke burst into tears. "I don't... want you to be sad. I want you to want me... like I want you."

"I want you more than anything"—I brushed her hair from her tearful eyes—"but I can never have you."

"Yes, you can... you just need to believe, my love; that's all you need."

I kissed her slowly with all of my heart. "You go sleep now, angel."

I rolled her off of me and left her crying in her bed.

***

I woke up the next day so depressed I could barely get myself out of bed after two hours of lying completely awake and staring at the same dot on the wall without so much as blinking. Ultimately, I unlocked my phone and saw that I had a few texts.

"I already miss you..." Shannon texted at 7 a.m..

Just what I needed to start my day.

I texted her back, "I miss you even more. Don't text me again. It's too hard."

I had another text from Brooke at 8:17, "Sweetheart, I didn't sleep at all last night. I can't keep going like this... I want us together. Call me when you wake up."

More good news...

Another text at 9:42, "So, are you planning on calling me anytime soon?"

It was Veronica, Brooke's friend. I had no idea where she'd gotten my number from.

I showered and sat in front of my computer for my trading while listening to breakups songs. Oddly enough, my despondency sharpened my senses, and I was able to make a three-day salary in six hours.

As I was getting a beer from the fridge, I got a text, "Maybe we rushed into this whole breakup too soon. I'm not sure about it now. What do you think?"

I texted, "We did the right thing. My problem is still here, and it's not going away anytime soon. I'm hurting just as much as you are, but you'll feel better soon, I promise. I'm begging you: Don't text again."

Forty minutes later, another text, "I don't mean to come off as the aggressor here, but you can text back with some sort of reply... maybe?"

I ignored Veronica. She was the last thing on my mind.

Fifteen minutes later, the love of my life texted, "Josh, I know you're hurting, but I'm hurting with you... I love you, and I want us to talk tonight when I get home. Please be there. I'm home in less than an hour. Text me back, baby."

I had no idea what to do with Brooke anymore. I wanted her so badly that I was willing to seriously consider committing to her, to us, as lovers.

I texted my sister, "I'm home. I love you. I miss you. I don't know what to do anymore."

She texted half-minute later, "OMG, that's it, sweetheart, let go... I'll be home really soon, and I'm taking you out. I love you more than life..."

I got dressed and went downstairs to make a cup of coffee before my sister returned. I deprived myself of food since I was so depressed, and I felt that I deserved to suffer for what I'd done to Shannon and Brooke. As I was sipping my coffee in front of the TV, there was a knock on the door.

I got up to answer it. "Yes?"

"Hi, you must be Josh. We haven't been introduced yet, but I'm your sister's boyfriend, Mark. It's very nice to meet you."

You gotta be fucking kidding me...

I was rendered speechless for somewhere between seven to ten seconds. "Um, likewise... does my sister know you're here?"

"No, it's a surprise. I'm planning on taking her out to celebrate our two-month anniversary, and since she told me she'd be here at around now, I took the initiative."

I couldn't believe this was happening. "That's just... awesome. Please, come in."

I let him in and offered him a hot beverage. We then conversed fleetingly. He was a decent guy; more than decent even, although I hated to admit it to myself. He was a 23 year-old college graduate and had started a good job and drove a nice car. He was good-looking and really seemed like a guy I would be happy for my sister to be dating, had I not been in love with her that is.

Brooke and our mother returned home a few minutes after he showed up, and my sister looked horrified to see both of us.

"Mark, what are you doing here?"

"Surprise! Happy two-month anniversary, babe."

He kissed her on the mouth and gave her the rose he had brought with him.

"Mark, you can't just come to my—"

"What a lovely rose!" Mom joined us. "I'm assuming you're Brooke's boyfriend?"

My sister made the introduction but stared into my eyes all the while with an apologetic, apprehensive look.

I collected my things and headed to the front door.

"Josh!" Brooke called. "Where are you going?"

"Oh, you're leaving? Thanks for the coffee," Mark said.

"Don't mention it. I'm really happy you have such a nice boyfriend, Brooke. Enjoy your night." I walked out.

My sister stormed out after me a second later. "Josh, wait!"

I turned to face her. "Brooke, don't. Go out with him and have fun. You deserve to have fun. He's a great guy; you did good."

"Don't do this, sweetie. I'll send him home, and we'll go out. Don't shut away again, please."

"This is fate, honey. This is the universes telling us to drop it, and I'm not going—"

"This is bullshit! This is you being scared! This is you making excuses again! Stop with this, Josh, I'm begging you... I'm sending him home."

I seized her arm. "Don't. You owe it to yourself and to me to give this a shot. Give him a shot, Brooke. He might surprise you. Again."

"You just don't get it! There isn't—"

"Aren't you going to get ready, babe?" her boyfriend asked as he joined us outside.

"Mark, this is really—"

"Yeah, she was just asking me for advice on what to wear." I gave a false chuckle. "As if I know anything about dresses... happy two-month anniversary."

"Josh!"

***

I went out to a new bar with a couple of friends that had been talking up this place that whole week. As we sat there, I instantly started intoxicating myself, dulling the pain in my heart of not seeing Shannon anymore, of knowing I had to let Brooke go... so much pain. Brooke was texting me like mad that whole night, calling me names, attacking me, threatening me, which wasn't very helpful to say the least. Shannon, on the other hand, didn't text anymore, and my friends were busy hitting on girls for the duration of our time there.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Mr. I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans. What's up, Slim?"

"Veronica," I said, incorporating puzzlement and concern into my tone. "What are you doing here?"

"Not stalking you if that's what you think."

"No, I didn't think that."

That was exactly what I was thinking.

"Kay... glad we're on the same page. Enjoy your night." She walked away.

"Veronica?"

She walked back. "Yeah?"

"I apologize I didn't text back. I was having... not the best of days."

"So it appears if judging by your face and by the ridiculous number of empty shot glasses that are ambushing your phone."

We laughed.

It was the first time I laughed that day.

"Are you always that funny?"

"What, this? I wasn't even trying."

I nodded. "What are you having?"

"Whatever you're having."

"Yo, bartender, two of that"—I pointed at my beer—"please." I looked back at Veronica. "Aren't you going to sit?"

"Oh, you're inviting me to join you? So you actually want my company?"

I smiled a guilty smile. "Fair enough; I deserve it. I apologize for the second time. Please." I gestured at the stool.

"I dunno..." She glanced back at some table. "I'm here with friends."

"Oh, okay. Have a great night then." I faced back the bartender.

"That's it? You're giving up?"

A confused frown creased my forehead. "Um, I thought—"

"Yeah, fuck my friends. I'm just shocked by your defeated attitude."

I laughed a little, then studied her eyes. "Veronica, I'm not taking no for an answer. Sit."

"That's more like it."

We drank together for a couple of minutes, which helped me considerably not to obsess over Brooke's night out or my poor Shannon. Veronica was quite amusing in addition to being hot, and I could see why she and my sister liked each other. They both had a similar sense of humor, and as it turned out, they both also had pretty nifty fake ID's.

"So, what's your story?" She sipped her beer. "What do you have to be so gloomy about?"

"I wasn't honest with you that night at the movies. I had a girlfriend, but for some fucking reason, I didn't mention her."

"I see... 'had'? She broke up with you 'cause you didn't mention her? She sounds like a ball buster anyway. Looks like you dodged a bullet."

We laughed.

"You're funny, Veronica." I reduced the contents of my beer to half. "I have to say that after the day I've had, I could use a little funny."

"Well, funny could also use a little bit of you."

Our eyes locked as tension suddenly built out of nowhere.

When I realized she had no intention of breaking it, I averted me eyes and sipped my beer. "There's more to my story though. I'm also in love with a different girl."

"And the plot thickens... now I understand why I didn't get that call. Though it's a good thing that I've run into you here. I was beginning to think I might have lost my mojo. Or boobs."

We laughed again.

"You definitely didn't lose your mojo."

She looked into my eyes again. "And my boobs?"

"I will need a photo first—to make sure that those are indeed your boobs."

"That can be arranged. I might even one up you and give you a way to compare the photos with the originals."

"You would?" I asked, perplexed.

"No, Josh, I'm not a hooker. To see those puppies up-close will actually require you to work for it. Jeez, what kind of a girl do you think I am?"

We laughed.

"My bad. I told you it's been a rough day." I polished off my beer. "Mr. Bartender, if you please..."

He handed me another bottle.

"Slow down. I don't want to drag you home barfing. What would your sister say?"

"Oh, don't you worry about her," I bitterly crooned. "She's out celebrating her two-month anniversary with her boyfriend."

"Mark? He's a great guy, isn't he?"

"You've met him," I said, stating a matter of factual yet looking for more information.

"Yeah. They seem really good together."

"Do they now... splendid."

"So back to you: That girl you're in love with, doesn't love you back?"

"It's complicated."

"She does love you back, but..."

"But it's complicated."

"But she's already married... she has three kids? She's in jail? She's a Russian spy? She's a dude?"

"More complicated."

"And I get the feeling that's all you're going to share."

I took a swig from my beer. "Great intuition."

Her phone rang, so she took the call while I had the bartender reading my next bottle.

"I punished my friends long enough. They want me back."

I smiled. "Easy to see why."

She blushed. "Listen, Josh, I'm normally not this—"

"Aggressive?"

Her blue eyes narrowed as she faked an adorable scowl. "—funny."

We laughed a bit before she continued, "Yeah... aggressive. I just thought to give it a shot, but I can see you have plenty on your plate, so I'll back down now."

"You're pretty awesome, Veronica. I'm glad to have had the chance to know you better."

She nodded. "Listen, if you ever need someone to talk to or just... need a pep talk, you have my number."

"Thank you. I appreciate it."

***

I returned home completely wasted just past midnight, and as I opened my bedroom door, I saw my sister lying on my bed, busy with her phone and looking quite furious. I walked inside and scattered my belongings on my desk before taking off my shirt. "How was your anniversary?"

"What's the answer you're looking for?"

"Honest to god... I have no clue," I sighed, kicking off my shoes after slumping into my office chair.

"Is that why you're drunk? 'Cause you have no clue?"

"What do you want from me?!" I bellowed.

"To say what the fuck you're feeling!"

"You want me to tell you how I hated it?! How I fucking despised you being on a date?! How I want to beat the shit out of your boyfriend?! Is that what you wanna hear?!"

"Only if it's the truth."

I shook my head, bottling my anger. "I met your friend Veronica at this bar." I drew out a cigarette and lit it up as I walked to the window. "She's cute. Funny girl... hot."

"Is she really now..."

"She said you and your boyfriend are looking good together."

"She's not wrong."

I spun around, confronting her bitter scowl. "Isn't that nice... I'm too drunk to have this conversation now. Feel free to leave."

"Fine." She got up, starting for the door. "Oh, by the way, I'm going to give Mark my virginity sometime this month, just so you know."

I almost choked on my cigarette. "Wait a second. What?"

"Did I stutter?"

"Brooke, quit threatening me. I'm not in the mood; not tonight."

"It's not a threat."

I stared at her for a moment, learning her eyes. "Why?"

"Because he is a great guy. Because he's in love with me. Because he wants me. And because I've had it with you."

"So you waited for me to break up with Shannon, and now you're pulling this stunt on me?"

"It's not a stunt. If you wanna fuck Shannon, you're free to do that. I'm done fighting for you." She shook her head as she opened the door. "I'm done with you."

I darted to the door and slammed it shut before she could leave. I pushed my hands against the door with my sister's head between them.

She looked away. "Let me go, Josh."

"You don't love him. You love me."

"This is not about love. This is about you not wanting to be happy. This is about me not willing to spend the next ten years persuading you that we can be happy together, that we can have a future together, that there's no one for us but each other."

"And fucking him will achieve... what exactly? You're not going to be happy. You're not—"

"I will never be happy—not in this life anyway—so what the hell? At least I'll give it a shot. Give him a shot. Like you asked me to."

"Brooke..."

"What?"

"I... don't do it."

"Why not? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't sleep with my boyfriend, who loves me and wants someday to marry me."

I looked into her eyes, overwhelmed with pain. "Please."

"That's not a reason. I was thinking something along the lines of: 'I love more you than life. I will do anything to be with you 'cause life means shit to me if you're not mine...' of course, I was just playing with it, but you get the idea."

I leaned in to kiss her, but she gave me her cheek. I rested my head on her shoulder next to her ear, wallowing in her captivating scent. "There's no going back from this. If you do it... we will never be."

"Noted. Anything else?"

I lifted my head and propped my forehead on hers as I gazed into her mesmerizing hazel eyes. "I love you so fucking much..."

"And...?"

I kept quiet.

"Yeah... thought so," she said in a painful undertone. "Good night, Josh. I hope you'll someday find whatever it is you're waiting for."

*****