Siblings with Benefits Ch. 35

*****

As Mark finished telling his story I put my elbows on the desk and my head in my hands. I was overwhelmed with emotions. The first of which was that old familiar guilt. My father had not only found out that my brother and I had been having sex, but had been subjected to explicit photos of it. Even though my brother had miraculously convinced him that it wasn't going on anymore, he still knew. No wonder he had been awkward with me for several weeks when I had come back from Europe. I now remembered how the first time I came to visit after my trip Dad seemed different, not distant but sad. He had hugged me when I arrived at his house and held me tighter than I could ever remember. When I asked if he was okay he had simply said that he had missed his little girl. Now in hindsight I knew he had been upset for me, thinking that my brother had hurt me, and that I didn't even know it.

Now I found myself wondering how the hell I was going to pretend that I didn't know he knew when I saw him next. Going further it hit me about how hard this would truly make my brother and I becoming a couple. The lie Mark had told had made it impossible for me to even try to tell my parents that we had feelings for each other. Mark had said it was over, that he had taken advantage of me. If I were to bring it up now, Dad would know that he had been right initially yet again; that Mark had simply taken a fall to protect me. That...

Mark, my thoughts immediately turned from my own feelings to my brother. I looked up to see that Mark was just sitting there leaning back in his chair looking down at his desk. The expression on his face was one of exhaustion mixed with sadness. My bad ass brother looked like a heart broken child. I felt my eyes well up as what Mark had done fully hit me. Faced with a no win situation my little brother had somehow found a way to save his sister. Another wave of guilt passed through me. Mark had convinced my father that he had initiated sex between us, that he had been after me before finally using drugs to get me.

The reality was that I had been Mark's first lover, taking his virginity so that I could have a man I could be close to without fear of those painful memories of Frank. And never had my brother done anything but try to keep me from drugs. True we'd had our phase of enjoying drinking together, but he had never liked me on coke. Now he had Dad convinced that he had fueled my addiction. It now made sense why Dad had that level of malice towards my brother, why Mark was avoiding mom. On that note a stab of pity went through me, Mark had given up his family to save me. Although my father and he had a lot of ups and downs over the years, Mom had always loved Mark as her own son. I knew that even though he down played it with his apathetic attitude Mark loved that he could call her mom, that he had someone other than me who loved him.

When confronted by my father Mark had left himself with nothing so that I could still have my parents. As I continued to look at Mark, it also dawned on me how much this had hurt him. The fact that he had mindlessly told me the entire story proved he was not right. Leaving in the part where he had broken down was not his style. Normally Mark would make like nothing ever got to him. But as he had told the story he sounded totally numb and had just kept right on going. I also felt a twinge of fear about how he had bonded with The Voice near the end. How long had he kept it out?

I was snapped out of my thoughts by the heart wrenching sight of a single tear flowing down Mark's right cheek. Galvanized by the sight of my brother that upset, I rose from my chair and went around the desk to him. Mark looked as I leaned over and wrapping my arms around his shoulder pulled him into me. He resisted at first, muttering something about he was okay and trying to pull away and stand up. Pushing him down in the chair I sat on his knees and swung my legs over him so that I was in his lap. Leaning in I hugged him tightly so that his head was resting on my chest, my chin resting on top of it. After a moment Mark slid his arms around my waist and I felt him relax into me.

As I felt his tears on my chest I rubbed my hand along his back before sliding it up to run my fingers through his hair.

"It's okay baby," I said softly, trying to keep my voice steady.

"No," Mark whispered into my chest. "No it's not. I..."

"Shhh." I whispered. "Not now honey, just relax, let me hold you."

Mark nodded into me and just stayed cradled in my arms for a few minutes. I had not seen my brother this broken since Samantha, and as I held him my first thoughts were that I had to make this right. No matter what the cost to my relationship with my father I could not let Mark pay this price alone. I tried to think of a way when my thoughts were stopped by a surge of emotion. As if I ever needed more proof of how much my brother loved me, this was it. Tossing everything he had away for his sister, no not just his sister, his Megan as he had referred to me. I felt the tears coming down my cheeks as well as I looked into my heart and saw the same love for him there. It had always been there of course, ever since that rainy Saturday morning years ago in my bed.

Still, even as it dawned on me that I did indeed love my brother the other factors kept forcing their way into my thoughts, my parents, our careers, but more importantly would I maintain that love? Was Mark truly the one or was it another case like Laura; madly in love at first then growing cold over time. Could I risk breaking my brother's heart like I had others, where would that leave us? I took a deep breath and told myself one thing at a time. I became aware of the fact that Mark had let my waist go and was gently pushing against my arms. I loosened my grip so that he could look at me, and bending my head, gently kissed the tears from the corners of his eyes. Mark gave me a sad smile.

"I...I'm okay Meg, really."

"Mark, you shouldn't have done that with Dad," I told him softly. "You should have let me take the fall too Mark, you'd protected me enough."

"I could never protect you enough Megan." Mark answered simply. "That's what we promised each other remember? That we wouldn't let anyone hurt us? I would not let Doug tear into*you* like that."

As he spoke Mark reached up and took the locket Mom had given me in his hand and looked at it. "I would never let you lose your parents Meg, ever."

Swinging my legs back to the floor I stood up and grabbing the bottle of water from my side of the desk handed it to him. As Mark took a couple of sips I walked back around to the other side of the desk, and after looking down at the folder that contained those godforsaken photos said;

"Mark, I'm going to make this right."

"What?" Mark asked as he wiped at his eyes with the edge of his hand. "It's a little late for that Megan, I mean..."

"No Mark it's not." I told him, sitting back down. "Dad knows I've been pushing to find out. I'm going to tell him you fessed up, and I am going to set him straight."

"Meg you can't do that."

"Yes I can Mark and I will. I meant what I said before you showed me the pictures. I am done running from the past, and I am sure as hell done with you taking shit for me."

"It's okay Meg I did it for you, I..."

"I know you did Mark," I told him. "You've always done everything for me. Now I am going to do something for you and tell my father you didn't take advantage of me."

"And what the hell are you going to tell him?" Mark asked.

I sighed.

"The truth Mark, once and for all, that I started it, that I was the one who took you and that..." I hesitated as I thought about our future. "Well anyway I'm not letting you fall alone Mark."

"It's too late Megan," Mark said. "Let it go sis, nothing good can come of it."

"It's not about that Mark," I told him. "It's about me taking responsibility for the things I've done including lying to them about us. I..."

"Megan listen to me!" Mark snapped sitting up in his seat. "All day you've pushed me to tell you shit that you are better off not knowing, and I've told you. Now for once smarten up and listen to me, now is not the time to play Martyr!"

I looked at him taken aback at his tone.

"Mark, calm down, I know what I'm doing! I..."

"Do you Meg?" he asked. "I don't think you do. Now listen to me before you go off half cocked and make things worse."

"They could get worse for you?" I asked.

"Not for me for you. Now first of all Megan, Doug is not going to believe you, he's going to think I told you and now you're running to him trying to protect me. You'll tell him you know, open up a can of worms, and for nothing."

"I'll make him believe me!" I snapped.

"No Meg you won't." Mark said with a smirk. "Doug has never trusted me Megan, thing is sis I told him a bullshit story that had a lot of holes in it but he believed me."

"But..."

"He believed me for two reasons Meg, first of course is he has always wanted to hate me, and second of all in the end he wanted to believe that you would never have done that, that his little girl was just taken advantage of, that you wouldn't lie to him. He's happy hating me and loving you. Let it stay that way."

"Mark it's not fair!" I protested.

"Life rarely is sis." Mark said softly. "Man have I learned that one over the last year."

"No Mark, I won't leave it..."

"Oh for Christ's sakes!" Mark yelled. "Goddamn you're stubborn! Let me ask you a question Megan, how good is it to be close to your father?"

"Well, I love it of course but..."

"How good is it to be able to call and have him happy to hear from you; to come see him and enjoy him? Except for you pushing about me today, how nice was it for you and your dad to go out to lunch?"

"It's great Mark, but I don't want him hating you." I explained. "The two of you are important to me Mark; I wished you hadn't lied like that I would..."

"You were in another country and I was caught flatfooted." Mark said. "All in all Meg, I think I did okay."

"You were feeling sorry for yourself Mark." I told him. "You were tired and upset, and...missing me." I added in a softer tone. "You were already set up to take more abuse and..."

"Answer the question Meg!" Mark pushed. "You want to jeopardize what you love so much, what you worked so hard for?"

Looking him in the eye I said quietly.

"Apparently you do. So why does it matter?"

"What do you mean?"

"Oh please Mark, you don't want me to tell Dad about us now, but you want to move down to Chicago with me and play house! You don't think he and Mom will ever know? One way or another Mark he is going to know he has been lied to again! So know what Mark?Don't act like it matters to you that much, if it did you wouldn't be thinking about the two of us."

Mark stared at me stunned. I felt like kicking myself. I had meant what I said but it had come out harsher than I had wanted it too. All I had wanted to get across was that if there was a future for us I was going to tell my parents, not lie to them. I went to try to take it back but Mark suddenly slapped himself in the forehead and laughed humorlessly.

"Oh that is just fucking great!" he exclaimed. "Oh, just classic! Here I am one of the best lawyers in New England and I did not see that one coming!"

He sat back and tossed his arms in the air.

"People are right, love is blind!"

"Look Mark," I said softening my tone. "I didn't mean it the way it came out, in fact I..."

"No you know what Meg?" Mark cut me off. "I did see some of this coming. I mean why the hell do you think I fought you about these pictures?"

Reaching across the desk he picked them up and tossed them back into the black box.

"Because," I started.

"Because I wanted you to answer me before you knew!" Mark continued. "Because now that you know, you want to talk to Doug who knows about us, but thinks I took advantage of you, and now you want him to know that I was lying to cover up that you were lying which means he'll know we were both lying and now you're going to say this is what you were worried and.... Oh what the fuck!"

I jumped as Mark slammed his hand down hard on the metal box, denting the top of it.

"I am so sick and fucking tired of games!!" he shouted.

"Easy Mark! Paula..."

"Has heard me screaming and breaking things before." Mark said. "You know what Megan? This..." he slapped the box. "Is beside the point, what is done is done. It's time to talk about..."

"No Mark this does matter!" I said raising my voce so he would listen. "These pictures are exactly the thing that I would worry about! What if..."

"I told you the story Meg! Alex can't use these I..."

"Bullshit Mark!" Now it was me cutting him off. "Alex could turn on a dime, he could do something with these you never know and then..."

"Then what Megan?" Mark asked.

"Then people will know Mark they'll..."

"I don't fucking care anymore!!" Mark all but screamed at me. "I don't care! Go and tell Doug! Go tell everyone, hell Meg at this point I'll take out a full page add in the Journal and tell everyone that I love my sister!"

"Mark, don't be crazy." I told him. "And please stop..."

"No you stop!" Mark snapped. "Stop with your fucking buts and your stalling, I answered everything you wanted me to now it's your turn Megan," He put his arms out to me. "Yes or no?"

I felt my stomach tie into a knot and my heart start to pound. It was time. Mark was right he had put it all out there, and it would be ridiculous to try to say wait for dinner later. I closed my eyes for a moment and remembered the journal. How many times I had wished we could be together, how many times had I pushed him away and run from my feelings? I wondered how many times he had done the same. Difference here was that one of us had finally put it out there. Just minutes ago I had looked into my heart and saw the answer, but it still didn't change my fear of my track record. I opened my eyes to see Mark waiting. Just as I was ready to speak he started;

"Yeah I thought so. I..."

"Yes." I said quickly.

"Yeah," Mark started again then stopped his eyes widening. "Yes?"

"Yes." I repeated.

"You...you love me?" Mark started to smile then I opened my mouth again.

"Well, yes but Mark there's more to it..."

"Oh fucking forget it Megan!" He yelled. "If there's a fucking but then just say no!"

"Mark it's not that simple!" I started.

"Yes it is Megan, yes it is!!" He said shaking his head in frustration. "Love is a yes or no, there is no buts!" he looked way. "So, no."

"Mark, please listen! There are other things! There's my..."

"You know what Megan?" He asked. "There are other things but you're the only one worried. I'm not worried about my career, I'm not worried about the press, hell I'm not worried about the law!" he laughed. "Find me the last prosecutable case of adult incest in the US!" Hell, neither of us can even have kids! I'm the best lawyer around they can't touch us! It wouldn't be worth it!"

I started to speak, but Mark caught me off harshly.

"Don't bother; see the thing I see here is that all of the buts are yours. I'm not worried but apparently you are. You care more about your career than me. You care more about your family then you do me!"

"That's not true!" I shouted at him.

"Bullshit! You just keep coming up with excuses Megan! Just fucking tell me no!"

"Mark," I put my hands up to try to keep him quiet. "Okay look you're right. I...I'm tap dancing I... I'm just worried that I would ruin it like I did with Laura, and Tommy, and Ben and all the others! What if I say okay and a few months from now I..."

"Do you really think that would happen Meg?" Mark asked lowering his voice.

"I...I don't know Mark!"

"We have wasted enough of our lives Megan; it's time to find out."

Once again Mark spoke calmly as he saw me wavering.

"You...you're not worried that..."

"Not all Megan, things happen as they are meant to." He shrugged. "If by some chance you end up right, which I doubt, at least we find out."

"But then all the other shit would be for nothing," I told him. "And really Mark, if it doesn't work out and I...I break your heart I would feel..."

"Right back to you again huh Meg?" Mark asked.

I should have caught the tone in his voice and stopped, instead I opened my mouth again.

"Mark it just wouldn't be fair to you! I..."

I stopped in mid sentence. Mark's eyes darkened and his lip curled up into a snarl.

"Fair?" he hissed. "Fair? Are you fucking kidding me with that fucking word again?"

I sat there trying to think of a way to stop the impending explosion but it was too late.

"You know something Megan? All the bullshit that I've been through, getting put in homes, all the beatings from Max, I never once said that it wasn't fair." He shook his head. "Not once, never whined, never cried, never used it as an excuse, but know what Meg?"

Without waiting for an answer he slammed his fist down on the desk.

"None of this is fucking fair to me! None of it!" Mark reached over to the stack of files and pulled the Carson one out. "You want to talk about what's not fair? Look at this bullshit!"

Mark slapped the folder against the desk.

"This girl was innocent Megan! Innocent and she was going to be the one on trial! The one going down to a bunch of rich pieces of shit!! So I stepped in, it was time for me to pay back the chances I got in life so I took her case to make sure she got what was right, what was fair!"

Mark sneered the word as he hurled the file across the room, papers flying everywhere.

"And how did fair work out for me? It should have been easy, but it was a nightmare! And yes I wanted the fight, but know what? As jaded as I was I thought the system would win. You know our system based on fairness? Yeah bullshit!"

I sat there quietly as he continued. Once he was on a roll there was nothing that would stop him.

"I won that case Meg, but I lost everything else, everything!!" He shouted. "I lost my best friend, not over picking Carson over him, but by seeing his true colors, I broke Samantha's heart a second time, because they set me up and I couldn't pull back!"

"I..." He stopped and sat there chest heaving, when he spoke again I could hear he was getting emotional. "I lost my family Megan! Doug was the closest thing I ever had to a father and D...Denise! I... I'm not even supposed to call her mom anymore! She wants to see me and I can't because I...had to lie! If those pictures got out it would have ruined you! I was forced to make it so I would be hated so you would be okay!" He put his hands out to me.

"I have nothing Megan, nothing but a bunch of fucking meaningless sex with whores! Every woman wants me everyman wants to be me!" He laughed bitterly. "Please! And they're all out for me here now, I burned almost every bridge I had winning this fucking thing! Now I can't even go find the whores without wondering if there's another fucking Gary behind me somewhere!"

He stopped and sat there chest heaving. Seeing an opening I tried.

"Mark listen, you don't have nothing you have..."

"And know what else isn't fair Megan?" he pointed at me. "You!!"

"Me?" I asked.

"Yes you! You're not fair! All those years you were messed up Megan I was there for you! I did everything I could to help you! Fought off dealers, used my connections to get you out of trouble, tried to stop you. I was there for every bit of the bad shit Megan, every bit of it!"

I started to speak but he waved me off again.

'"And I never cared Megan, never! I just wanted you to be okay! Then you're finally okay and within a year you leave me!"

"Mark I had too!" I began but he wasn't listening.

"You're doing amazing Megan, everything you always should have been, healthy, beautiful, successful and I don't get to see it! I was part of all the shit and when it comes to the good stuff you left me!" he stopped yelling and speaking in softer tone said; "I wanted to be part of it, I wanted to be part of you, I...I wanted." He stopped and whispered; "It's not fair."