Solace

"Of course," he said. "I love you, Sinclair. You're my daughter and I'll always do whatever you need me to do. You're the strongest, smartest, most loving person I know. I think you've lost your way a little bit. I understand why. I don't know how you've stayed sane. I admire you and I'll always love you. You do what you need to do and don't worry about this old geezer."

I hugged him and we went to Jonathon's room. Lucas was there and Jonathon was sleeping. He looked like a little angel, lying there in his Batman pajamas. His tumor had been shrinking to the point that it could no longer be seen on the scans and his vision and eyes were back to normal. Lucas looked up at us and I could see the weariness in his features. He looked beaten down and dejected.

"Lucas, you need to go with Sin," Dad told him. "Get some rest. Lilly will be by after a while and we'll take care of Jonathon."

Lucas nodded, kissed Jonathon on the forehead and we walked back toward our cottage. On impulse, I took his hand and we walked together. When we got inside I led him to the sofa and sat him down. I knelt between his legs and took both his hands in mine.

He gazed wearily into my eyes. "Lucas, do you still love me?" I asked him.

He stared into my eyes for long moments, then something broke inside him and he began to shake. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and he squeezed my hands until I could hardly feel them.

"God, Sin, I love you so much that I'll never be able to tell you," he said. "You know, don't you?"

I nodded. "Yes, I know."

"How?" he asked. "No, that doesn't matter. Sinclair, I'm afraid you don't love me anymore. You've been pushing me away; hell, I've been pushing you away. I know why, and I'm not blaming you. I've been doing the same thing. It's just Jonathon being so sick, having to go into his room every day and wondering if today is the day they'll tell us he's getting worse or the treatment isn't working. I know I promised you that I'd be strong and be there for you, but I'm not like you. You just seem to get stronger; the harder it gets, the stronger you get. I just get weaker. I'm so ashamed of myself. It makes me feel inadequate, like I'm not pulling my end and I know how stupid it is, but I started resenting you."

"You're wrong about me," I told him. "I may seem like that on the outside, but inside I'm terrified, scared and lately, I've felt all alone. I've felt like you don't love me anymore."

"That just makes me feel more ashamed," he said. "I'm your husband and I should be someone you can depend on to be there for you. It makes me feel weak and like I'm failing. I'm so sorry, Sin. I allowed something to get started that I had no business in. I felt like a failure, I still do, even more, and I was looking for something, anything, that would make me feel better about myself. I don't know how you can ever forgive me. I'm so sorry and I feel so rotten. I love you more than ever, but I'm lost and I don't know how to find my way back."

He couldn't go on. I pulled him up off the sofa and led him to the bedroom. We collapsed together on the bed and held each other as we wept; wept for our son, for ourselves, for all the pain of our lives. I cried myself to sleep and I suppose he did the same.

When I woke up, I was lying half over him, my cheek resting on his chest and he was sleeping. I watched him as he slept. I had no idea what we were going to do, how we were going to move forward, but I had hope. This was the man I loved. We may have lost sight of each other for a time, but I was committed. For him, for Jonathon, for myself and the other children I hoped to have, this was my life and I was going to claim it back.

I got up and walked over to the clinic. Mom was there and I told her I needed a few more hours. She nodded. "You look rested," she said. "Go do what you need to do. Brock told me."

I walked back to the cottage and Lucas was still asleep. I took a shower and walked naked to the bed. He was lightly snoring. I gently unbuttoned his shirt and exposed his chest. His pants were a bit more difficult and he stirred in his sleep. I managed to get them down on one side and gently pushed at him until he rolled over. I got them over his thighs and over his feet. I rolled him back over and crawled over him until I could reach him with my mouth. I slipped him inside and did my best to suck his cock off.

At some point, he woke up and I felt him pulling on my leg. I move astride him and the feeling of his tongue on my pussy, after the long dry spell, was divine. We spent the morning making up for lost time. We made love, slow and sweet twice and he fucked me like a man possessed the third time. We slept for half an hour and took a shower together. We still had some problems and a long way to go, but we were on the road.

We were talking and trying to work on our communication. He had explained what he was feeling well enough that I thought I understood. I wasn't at all happy about it, in fact, it broke my heart every time I thought about it. I just had to find the strength to fight through it. I believed that it had been the result of the extreme stress we were both under, a kind and sympathetic person and circumstances that just spiraled out of control. I never asked Lucas for the details and I didn't want to know. It didn't matter, in the end. His character had cracked and I believed it would never happen again.

I did have that conversation with Melissa and she was as supportive as I could imagine. She told me about how it had all happened. She was a doctor. Doctor's make people well. She had felt a call to do that before she even started medical school. Seeing Lucas falling apart had stirred some sense in her that she could make it better. She could just give him an outlet, someone to talk to, and it would help. As they grew closer, she wasn't even really aware that their relationship was changing. It had been a shock to her in that chapel, but she realized that she had feelings for Lucas that were altogether different than she had ever intended. She blamed herself and couldn't stop apologizing to me. I had decided to forgive her and we actually became very close friends. She stayed away from Lucas, even when he was with me, although Lilly and Dad said she visited Jonathon when Lucas wasn't around.

Jonathon continued to improve and finally Dr. Zerigski released him. He assured us that there was little likelihood of a relapse. In fact, he believed that there was no more likelihood of Jonathon having another brain tumor than there was for Lucas or me to have one. We left the clinic, six months after we arrived with a healthy little boy, a slightly damaged mother and father and two parents that had fallen in love.

Yes, Lilly and Dad were a couple. The most unlikely couple imaginable, but there it was. They seemed very much in love and as comfortable around each other and Lucas and me as I could ever have imagined. Jonathon was going back to the clinic at three month intervals for checkups for the first year, decreasing to six months after that, and finally, just the occasional visit to chart his progress.

We moved back to Dad's ranch and set about making our lives as much like before as possible. The worry over our son was always there, but time and no relapses faded it to a just a ghost of a whisper. Lucas and I were back, seeming to be stronger than ever. There was one thing we didn't factor: The Division of Family Services. They had a long and vindictive memory.

Lucas and I were doing well. We still had our moments of doubt and I had my moments of anger. It felt like there was something missing, but we were making progress and I could feel that we were on the brink of being back where we were. We just needed some little spark to bridge the gap. Jonathon's recovery removed the stress and we felt such a relief that everything else paled into insignificance.

We had been taking Jonathon to a local pediatrician. There were absolutely no problems and no sign of a tumor. At Jonathan's 18-month checkup, I had a project going on that I couldn't leave with my new consulting job and Lucas took him back to Dr. Zerigski with Dad going along. Mom and I stayed home and I was getting my project wrapped up. I hadn't heard from Lucas for two days, but I expected them back that afternoon.

Something was troubling me, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. It was as if I'd forgotten something important, but what it was, escaped me. I felt like someone was watching me, but that was silly, because Mom was the only other person there.

Late in the afternoon, I saw a trail of dust coming down the road toward the house. I shouted for Lilly and she came out into the front yard to greet them with me. Jonathon leaped out of the Jeep before the dust settled and came running to throw himself on me. Lucas and Dad were getting their luggage out of the Jeep when four more clouds of dust came speeding down the drive toward the house. As they got closer, I could hear sirens.

Three state patrol vehicles slid to a stop in the yard and officers jumped out, weapons drawn and concealed themselves behind their vehicles. I could see the county sheriff's car parked back in the lane. Lucas came running across the yard toward Jonathon and me. I could see one of the officers following Lucas with his weapon. He was going to shoot my husband! No doubt, some cowboy type who was just itching for a notch on his belt. I gave Jonathon a shove toward Lilly and launched myself at Lucas. Something struck me in the back, just as I struck Lucas. He fell, with me on top of him. I couldn't move, for some reason. I could feel a deep burning pain in my chest, just above my right breast. I reached down to feel my chest and there was something sticky on my blouse.

I held my fingers up in front of my face and they were covered with something red. I heard Lilly scream and I knew no more.

There was blackness, cold and pain. I saw flashes, people in strange garb with masks over their faces, bright lights, and loud noises. Once I saw Dad, sitting in a chair against a wall with a bad painting hanging on it. He had Jonathon on his lap. I tried to speak and reach out to them, but the effort was too much and the blackness swallowed me.

I gradually became aware that I could hear. I heard voices speaking. One of them, I didn't recognize, but one was Dad and another was Lilly.

"Please, Brock, cut me a break here," the voice I didn't recognize said. "You've know me for 60 years. I called you and tipped you off that those Family Services dickheads were coming, for Christ's sake. I held them off until the kids were over the border and I wouldn't let the DA file charges against you. You'll bankrupt the department and we won't be able to do a thing. Next time the widow Banks over on Flat Top calls and the illegals are cutting her fences and stealing from her, we won't be able to help. No searches for people that get lost. You know I'm not a hard ass. I don't bother the weed smokers and the hookers or the tribes. You know I'm not the bad guy here."

I heard Mom's voice. "That may very well be, Gerald, but you brought the asshole with you that shot my daughter! He would have shot my son-in-law and likely killed him! Why? For saving their son's life? You've seen the medical reports! If they'd listened to that Blanco bastard, my grandson would have suffered horribly and been dead by now. You know we made him testify at the hearing. That judge laughed at him and threw him out of court. Your deputy shot my daughter for loving her son and trying to protect her husband!" Her voice got louder and louder.

"Lilly, I can't tell you how sorry I am about that," the strange voice said. "I didn't want Bayer there. I told you that. The only reason he was there is because that dickhead father of his insisted. He's got enough pull with the state patrol boys that they took him along. He was just supposed to observe. He was just a greenhorn that thought he was some kind of swat hero. I fired him, blackballed him and he'll never work in law enforcement again."

"Well, if that little girl in there doesn't get better, if she doesn't make a full recovery I'm going to bury the lot of you," Dad's voice was full of venom.

"Believe me, Brock, you couldn't feel any worse about her than I do," the stranger said. "That's one hell of a woman. I wish my girls were half the woman she is."

I tried to open my eyes and they worked. I could see Lilly, Dad and a man in uniform standing just outside the door. My arms wouldn't work, so I tried to call to them. I managed to get a croak out and their heads snapped toward me.

"Gerald, call Lucas, have him bring Jonathon," Dad barked at the man in uniform. I saw him get out his phone as Lilly and Dad flew across the room. Mom was petting my head and crying and Dad was hovering nervously.

"Can I get you anything, Sinclair?' he asked. "Do you know who we are? Do you need anything, sweetheart?"

I tried to say something but my mouth was as dry as the Mojave. I croaked a bit and Mom got the picture. "Get her some ice," she snapped.

Dad hurried away and came back with a Styrofoam cup full of crushed ice and a plastic spoon. He got a spoonful of ice and held it to my parched lips. The blessed coolness moistened my mouth and trickled down my dusty throat. It made me cough and a searing pain shot through my chest. The blackness came creeping back and I fought it, tooth and nail. It receded and I could feel the throbbing of my chest slowly fade.

"Brock, you idiot, you gave her too much," Lilly growled at him.

"It's okay, Mom," I managed to get out. "I need more."

She snatched the cup away from him and fed me ice in tiny bits and pieces. I felt better.

"How long have I been here?" I asked. Dad was kneeling beside the bed, holding my hand and his face level with mine.

"Three and a half weeks," he said. "God, we thought we'd lost you, baby."

"Well, you're not getting rid of me that easy," I told him. "What happened to me?"

"That asshole shot you, that's what happened to you," Lilly snarled.

"You threw yourself at Lucas when you saw that dickhead with Gerald was going to shoot Lucas," Dad said. "You knocked him out of the way, but the bullet hit you in the back. It came out your chest. It was touch and go there for a while. The doctors think you're going to be okay, now. You're going to have a couple of nasty scars until we can get them fixed. You're going to be okay, sweetheart. You just need to get some rest. Get some rest and we'll have you home in no time."

I gave him a weak smile and squeezed his hand. "I hurt," I told them.

"Here, honey, I'll call the nurse," Lilly said. She pushed a button on the rail of my bed and I closed my eyes. A nurse came in and Lilly told him I was in pain. He did something with another button and I felt the pain ease as I slipped away.

When I woke up again, Lucas and Jonathon had joined Mom and Dad. They noticed my eyes open right away and Dad fed me some ice. Lucas quickly took over when he saw what was going on and Lilly came and sat Jonathon on my bed.

"Mommy, are you okay?" he asked in a quiet timorous voice.

"Yes, Jon, Mommy is okay," I assured him. "I just need to get stronger and I'll be fine. I love you, Jon."

"I love you, too," he whispered. He held my hand as if I were going to slip away.

"You gave us quite a scare, babe," Lucas told me.

I smiled at him. "Yeah, I know. I'll be better soon."

He picked Jonathon up and gave him to Dad before shooing them out of the room. "I need to talk to Mom," he told Jonathon. They left, promising to be just outside and shut the door behind them.

Lucas pulled a chair over by my bed and sat down. He held my hand and just stared at me for a while. I saw tears begin to creep down his cheeks. "God, Sin, I don't know what to say," his voice was shaken. "You saved my life. You took a bullet for me. I don't deserve you; I know that. I will tell you something. No matter what it takes, no matter what I have to do, I'm going to spend the rest of my life convincing you that I was worth saving. I've always known what you were. From the moment I saw you across that table, I knew. I knew that if you'd have me I'd be the luckiest man alive. I am. I know that. From now on, I'm going to be convincing you that you made a good choice when you agreed to have lunch with me. I'm helplessly, hopelessly in love with you and I'm going to make sure you know that until the day I die."

My arm worked enough that I could reach up and cup his chin. "I never doubted you," I told him. "We sort of stumbled around there for a while. We're back now. Just let me get some strength back and we're going to be fine." He took my hand in his and kissed it. That boyish smile peeped out at me. "Now get me something to eat," I told him. "I'm starving."

He put my hand back on the bed, laughed and stood up. "That's my girl," he said. He went out and I heard Jonathon, Mom and Dad coming back, that dear little voice piping some question. My baby was okay, I was going to be okay, and we were going to be okay. I just needed a little rest. A sense of solace settled over me.