by leanne2k
This was terribly written. Too fast, not enough details, and I won't comment on the amount of grammar and spelling mistakes. You had an okay story line, and this really could have worked, had you gotten an editor. Also, being a woman, something confused me... Do you know what a 'cherry' is? As in 'bust her cherry?' Its your hymen breaking for the first time. You know, the thing barely a first knuckle into your opening? Google it. So the sentence, "If we shove them up far enough maybe we can bust each other's cherries," made absolutely no sense. How far up is YOUR hymen located? Did both girls have horrible accidents that left them with nubs? Thought a man wrote this before I looked at the author...
The plot and everything there but it all feels very analog, you know? Don't just tell me "she ate her out" describe how they felt, what they felt... make the audience part of the story I guess