Starting Over: A Love Story

I was very nervous, I had no idea what to expect. My feelings for her were very strong so I held her hands in mine and listened to her story.

She began, "As you know after my mother died, dad and I moved away. I had a lot of trouble adjusting and was always down in the dumps. I began to gain weight. I was a pretty heavy teenager so I really wasn't into the dating scene. I think the only guys that I dated just wanted in my pants. It didn't happen. I couldn't just have sex. That wasn't part of my makeup, poor or not. I always thought of you and the talks we had when we were kids. About how we were going to save ourselves for each other, get married and have a family."

"After graduating from high school, I went to a community college. I started feeling better about myself and joined a weight class and started losing weight. I found that my eating was caused by my depression. I started a new job and was making a life for myself and dad. I still lived at home at the time. Dad wasn't in the best of health and we lived on his disability checks and my income from working at the office."

She stopped for a minute just to look and see if I was really listening. I knew this was important to her.

She continued, "One day as I was leaving the building and headed to the parking lot, I was attacked. Two men tried to rape me. They had most of my clothes torn off," she began to cry," and were beating on me. I was screaming, kicking and yelling as I was fighting back. That's when Don, who became my future husband, came to my rescue. It wasn't as much him beating them up as them being caught in the act. My screaming attracted attention. Don was the first one there. The would-be rapists saw him and ran. The police caught them and they were eventually tried for attempted rape and are now incarcerated. Don took off his jacket and covered me. He stayed until the paramedics arrived. I was taken to the hospital and was taken care of and then released."

She stopped for a moment and got a glass of water before continuing. "Don came by the hospital to see if I was alright. That is really the first time I met him. I thanked him for being there and for helping me in the garage situation. I don't know what I would have done if he didn't show up. I almost felt an obligation to him. He worked in the recruiting office for the military and was in the same building that my office was in. We began dating. He was a good man. He did take my virginity. Shortly after, he asked me to marry him. I cared for him a lot, in a sense I loved him. Not in an exciting man-of-my-dreams way. But as a caring loving individual."

"We got married and about ten months later Jacob was born. Yes, I named him Jacob. Believe it or not it was in honor of you. Don made me laugh and of course he is the father of my two kids. For that I will always remember him. He was a good man and I vowed always to be faithful to him. And I have been. He is the only man I have ever been with. I was about seven months pregnant with Mary, when he was sent overseas. He had only seen Jacob as a baby and of course never had a chance to see his daughter. He was reassigned for an extra year and due to be released within weeks of his death."

Kathy started crying. I held her till she could regain her composure. "Don lived in an orphanage before being on his own. I guess that's one of the things that brought us together. We were just two people pretty much alone in this world. Dad died while I was pregnant with Mary. Thank God that was a couple of months before Don was assigned overseas. I had a shoulder to lean on during that time. Then after Don left for Iraqi it was only his letters that held everything together. Then one day I got the official letter that Don was killed in action. I was devastated. In my short life I had lost my mother, father, and husband. I had two babies to worry about. I didn't know what to do. I was lost. That's when I decided to just 'Start Over' from scratch with my two babies. I was going back to where my life started and hope for the best. That's why we are here today."

Kathy looked at me with tears in her eyes. "Gary, I still have feelings for you. I don't know why. Maybe because you were the one constant in my early life. The one person who was there for me. Maybe it's something deep in my mind. I don't know what it is. I want to be with you. I know you like me. I'm not blind. But now there is more to it. My little ones mean more to me than anything. I don't want to see them hurt. They deserve a chance in life. I'm going to see that they get it. The only way I will carry on a relationship with you is if you think there is a chance for a future for us. That's me, Jake and Mary. We're a package now and it's going to stay that way."

God, she was honest and put it right out there. How do I respond?

Wow, I never expected all that. Now I know she was waiting for a response. I just decided to tell her the truth. I didn't want to lie to her. So I began:

"Kathy, I have very strong feelings toward you also. But I have a problem that I have never told anyone. I'm going to tell you and there's a good chance that it might end our relationship. I have a problem that I recently found out. The reason I never married is that I wanted a woman who has never been with another man"

"What? I don't understand, Gary, you want to marry a virgin? You're twenty-seven years old. Are you expecting to start dating teenagers? My God, Gary, you've been dating women for at least ten years or more. I know you must have had sex with them."

This wasn't going the way I planned but I had to continue. "Kathy, I think that's why I never married. I've been serious with a number of women but never committed myself to them. I don't know why I have this problem but I do. I have never had problems dating, just committing myself to someone."

"Let me get this straight, Gary. Using me as an example, I would be good enough to have sex with but not to marry. Is that what you're trying to tell me? All because I had sex with my husband."

"Not you, Kathy. The women I've dated. I guess I've used a double standard. I don't want to be this way. You see I really care for you and I'm just trying to be honest with you. God, I really care for you. I just thought you should know."

"Gary, here's something you should know. I want to stay good friends with you. My kids love you and so do I. I will not have sex with you. I've gone a year and I could go longer until I find the man that wants me for who I am. We can date and enjoy each other's company if you want to. If you haven't got your mind straight by News Year's Day, I will just consider us good friends and move on with my life. Life is too short to wait for what might have been. I found that out losing my husband."

Did I understand her correctly? I have two months to get my act together or lose her. I just looked at her as I left and said, "Kathy, you must understand that it's me, not you." With that said I left the house.

For the next few weeks I tried to figure out my problem and where it came from. I didn't see Kathy as often. Maybe just once or twice a week. She was always smiling and treating me as though nothing had happened. She let me kiss her but that was it. I was becoming frustrated. I didn't want to date anyone else. I wanted Kathy. Damn, damn, damn, I was ready to go see a doctor. Maybe even a shrink.

Mom was having a huge Thanksgiving feast. Every relative I had in the area was going to be there. Mom made sure I invited Kathy and the kids. Every relative I know would see us together. Was my mom setting me up? I had to talk to my mom before Thanksgiving. I had to tell her my problem. The last thing I wanted was to hurt Kathy in any way, shape or form. I knew I was falling totally in love with her and wanted to be able to commit to her before losing her.

About two days before Thanksgiving I stopped by to see my mom and have a talk with her. I wanted her to understand that Kathy and I might not be together forever. Mom looked at me and said she didn't understand. She knew Kathy loved me and that she was pretty sure I loved Kathy. So what was the problem.

I just told her that when I had dated other women and had sexual relations with them I always felt I was being compared to their other lovers. I was always afraid that I might not meet up to their other lovers' standards. I don't know if it was true or not but that's how I felt. I knew that sometimes I compared the different women I was with so I was sure the women did the same. I can't spend the rest of my life wondering if Kathy was comparing me to someone else.

"Is that your problem, Gary? You don't think you're good enough. You don't know if you're man enough for any one woman? Oh, God, son, I wish you would have told me this long ago. I think I know where this problem originated. At Thanksgiving dinner, pull your Uncle Frank aside and talk to him."

As far as Kathy working for me, she was great. She reported directly to April. I didn't want the responsibility of being her direct boss. I wouldn't know how to handle her. April said Kathy picked up on the billing and was a big help. She'll be able to handle it all when June takes her maternity leave.

April also looked at me and said, "It's none of my business, boss, but the woman is madly in love with you and her kids are as well behaved as any kids I've ever seen. She would be quite a catch for someone," as she looked at me.

The family ended up renting a hall for Thanksgiving dinner. We must have had sixty or more people. I arrived with Kathy and the kids. We were the center of attention. The family rumor mill was flying. Everyone ran up to meet Kathy. They wanted her to feel at home. Many remembered her as the little kid I use to play with. Some of the divorced and single guys wanted to know if we were a couple. Kathy just looked at them and then at me and said we are for now and smiled.

Damn, that kind of hurt. I went looking for Uncle Frank. I found him and he said, "Your new girlfriend sure is pretty. I heard through the grapevine that she is going to be the one to tame you Is that true?"

I told him, "I need to talk to you alone and I could answer your question." We went into a side room of the hall and had a little talk.

I told him about the problem of marrying a woman who was not a virgin and didn't know why.

He looked at me and said, "Oh, my God, it came home to roost. I'm afraid your thinking is all my fault. Please let me explain. God, I'm so sorry."

"When you were just a little lad, maybe nine or ten years old you spent a lot of time at my house. Your Aunt Rose whom I divorced maybe fifteen years ago would always complain about my lovemaking. She had many sexual partners before we met. Every time we had sex she would complain about how good this lover was, how much bigger that one was, how another was always able to last longer. I never thought about you being in another room of the house sleeping. Then one day you asked me about all the things you heard over and over again. I told you that if you ever get married make sure it's to a virgin. Have all the sex you want in your life when you're old enough. But when it's time to marry, make sure she has never had another man and you will never have the problems I've had."

"Uncle Frank, it's hard for me to believe it was you telling me that so many years ago that has caused my problem. It's got to be more than that?"

"Gary, through the years you reaffirmed that you wanted a woman that was yours only. Every time you got serious about a woman you always talked about her past. I do believe your mind retained our conversation about sexual thoughts and you rejected these women. The problem is now you found a woman that you truly love. You fell in love with her before your mind could reject her. Now you have an internal problem. Do you think she is the type of woman who would throw her past love life up to you? Do you believe she really loves you? Do you know if you truly love her? If you can answer these questions, then I think you can make the ultimate decision."

I thanked my Uncle Frank for the discussion. I didn't know if it was true or a bunch of bunk. I just stood back and watched Kathy. Her kids were busy playing with all the other kids there. Mom had a few of the teenagers watch all the kids. Kathy jumped in like part of the family helping put the finishing touches on the Thanksgiving feast. She fit in so perfectly. She looked up at me and just smiled. God, I had to marry this girl. I knew it in my heart, that's where it really counts.

Thanksgiving passed and the Christmas Holiday began. I stopped by and asked Kathy if she wanted to go Christmas shopping. Something I loathed in the past. But with her it was fun. We bought the kids the needed clothes and then started in on the toys. We had lunch and listened to the sound of Christmas all around us. This Christmas just seemed magical to me. One that I looked forward to. Was it because I had Kathy and the kids to share it with?

Kathy told me she wasn't going to spoil the kids with tons of toys. She limited them to five toys each. She said even with the extra money she made doing the insurance billing she still had to keep a close watch on her finances. I mentioned to Kathy that I wanted to buy the kids something just from me. I picked out a bike for Jake. His first bike, it made me feel good. What to get little Mary was a lot harder to figure out. After all she was only three. I decided on a big wheels tricycle. If she saw Jake riding his bike, she would need something to ride also. She followed her big brother everywhere.

One day I stopped by and told Kathy to hurry up and get ready. I wanted to take the kids to see Santa Claus. We stood there in the mall and watched Jake talk to Santa. The old guy looked at Kathy and I like we were from outer space and then he lifted up little Mary on his lap. We heard her say dada then blah, blah, blah. We had to laugh. They both got their pictures taken with Santa and then we headed over to - you guessed it - McDonald's for dinner.

I mentioned to Mary that one of our big insurance companies that we represent asked us to come to their company Christmas party. April and her husband were going. June said she would attend with her husband but depending on how her future baby acted would determine how long she stayed. Mary said, "I'd love to be your date. Who knows, it might be our last."

That shook me up a bit. Kathy was staying with her schedule. Less then a month to decide my future.

Mom said she would be glad to take the kids for the night when we attend the Christmas party. The kids would be sleeping and Kathy could pick them up the next morning. Mom said, "I just love Jake and Mary and I think as much of them as I do my own grandchildren. No matter what happens between Kathy and you, she will always have an open house as far as the kids are concerned. Did you have your talk with Uncle Frank?"

I just told her yes. I still didn't know what to think of that conversation.

I stopped by to pick Kathy up for the party. Damn, was she ever beautiful. I can't even explain how good she looked to me. She was wearing a low cut blue dress showing enough boob to be sexy but not slutty. It came down maybe five inches above her knees. When I looked at her the only thing I could think of was I wanted her. I wanted to make love to her and told her so. She of course just smiled and kissed me gently as we headed to the party. We took a cab just in case we drank too much.

The party was fun, no business, just fun. Alice and June's husbands were really nice guys. We all danced except for June who was afraid of having to deliver the baby on the dance floor. She was due any day now. Kathy danced with both husbands but turned down offers by many of the other men at the party. She was in a sly way letting me know that she wouldn't have problems finding suitors. We both drank quite a bit and were feeling pretty good. I held her while we danced, inhaling the fragrance of her perfume. God, her scent was just getting to me.

We left the party and arrived at her house. She noticed I sent the cab away but didn't say anything. As we entered her house I took her in my arms and kissed her. I mean really kissed her and she kissed me back. I told her how beautiful she was and how much I needed her. She just melted in my arms. She felt so good. We walked into the bedroom and I slowly removed her clothes. All but her panties and bra. It's so much sexier when removing them in bed. I then quickly removed my clothes, all but my briefs.

I lay in bed next to her kissing her, hugging her, making love to her. I removed her bra and gently sucked on her nipples as she made low breathing noises. I slid my hand down inside her panties resting my hand on her soft brown mound and just gently rubbed her. I kissed her some more while continuing to rub her mound. I looked at her face saying, "I want you, I need you, I love you."

I got up and slid her panties down. She lifted her butt to help me. I slowly pulled them down her legs and then I mounted her. At first I was gentle, slowly slipping my penis into her moist, very hot vagina. It was so hot I was ready to cum almost instantly. I did my best to hold back as I used a slow in and out motion until I could feel her vagina tighten around my penis. I exploded into her. I felt her orgasm at the same time. That was the only time we did it that night. I crawled up next to her, put my arms around her and we both went to sleep. It was the best sleep I had in months.

When I awoke the next morning I was alone in the bed. Now I was worried. Why did we make love? Did we have too much to drink? How will she react when I face her? Should I apologize?

I got out of bed, slipped on my briefs, undershirt and pants and went out to face the music. There was Kathy sitting there in her pajamas sipping a cup of coffee. I spoke first saying how sorry I was for taking advantage of her the night before. She looked up at me and said, "You didn't take advantage of me, Gary. I wanted you as much as you wanted me. Besides being in love with you, I did it for another reason."

"What reason, Kathy?"

"Who did you think about while we were making love?"

"My God, Kathy, what a stupid question? You, of course, only you."

"Well, Gary, who do you think I was thinking of while we were making love?"

"Me, of course, you called out my name over and over."

"That's my point exactly, Gary. When two people are in love like we are, there is only one person we think about while making love: each other. I wanted you to know I understand your fear. But you needed to know that it is you I love and only you." I finally understood. When true love hits there is only one person you worry about during love making.

Kathy took me home to my apartment and then picked up her kids at mom's.

The next few days flew by. I didn't get a chance to see much of Kathy that week due to business and the holidays. Then June called and said she went into labor.

April called Kathy and asked, "Would you be able to take on some additional work due to June's maternity leave?"

Kathy said, "I'll do all I can to help out. Just bring me the work and I'll see it gets done."

I called my mom and asked a bunch of favors from her. I told her I did not want anything to get back to Kathy. I gave her a list of what I needed and told her to contact the rest of the family but just make sure it doesn't get back to Kathy. Even if it took not talking to her for a week.

Mom promised me she would get it done. Once mom made a promise you could count on her. I told her Kathy and the kids would be over on Christmas and then there would not be any more secrets.

I called Kathy and asked if I could spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with her and the kids? I wanted to see the joy in her family's eyes.