Taking a Bite Out of Halloween

A little flash tale for the season to provoke the wrath of the lurking ghouls. No deep thinkers needed for this one.

I love Halloween as I get to dress up like a writer. I know, I know, it's a stretch. Nobody is going to believe it, not a lowly uncouth storyteller like me. I've left you a little trick or treat at the end.

I've been told I need to get help before I hurt someone. I guess that means some of my words have been too sharp, so I sanded down the edges on all of the words in this tale. At worst you might get some paper cuts but nothing so deep that you'd bleed out. You're welcome.

For those who think my stories could use your help, feel free to log into my account and do your thing. My password is the last eight digits of PI. Make sure to use the metric version.

Halloween Contest 2018

Themes: scary stuff, costumes, Halloween traditions (trick-or-treating, etc.), etc.

George Roger Waters, et al.: "The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older, shorter of breath and one day closer to death."

+ + + +

I love my dogs. They used to be our dogs but not anymore, they're mine. When we were first married Sienna wanted them. They licked their way into my heart. I really wasn't sure about having two Dobermans. We got them when they were tiny little things. Dracula and Satan are well trained attack dogs. It's easy to tell them apart as the tips of Satan's ears have a slight hint of brown.

I've had them since they were a few weeks old. They may have weighed four pounds each then, but now they are ninety pounds of muscle, teeth, and attitude. If I'm around, they are sweet and lovable dogs. However, if they perceive you as a threat, well, it can get ugly.

I have a manikin which I dress up as a burglar. I dangle the manikin from the tree in our background and the pups rip it's clothing to shreds. If I growl at the pups when they are attacking, they will bite down hard and shake their head from side to side. The thrift store sells lots of clothes to me. The pups can hardly stand the wait as I get the manikin strung up. They get extra snacks afterwards.

My life went to shit recently. I found out I wasn't the one and only of my one and only. My inexpensive investigator's report told me enough. No sex acts captured on video but I had enough damning evidence. Enough anyway for me to get a lawyer and start the divorce. I was planning on embarrassing Sienna by ambushing her at her parent's shindig but things didn't work out for me to do that. Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased with how things turned out.

+ + + +

Three weeks earlier, Halloween week:

My name is Neal Foster and the company I work for was spun off. The closing occurred last Friday. Today is Monday and we're all on pins and needles wondering who's in and who's out. The mixed procession of zombies and giddy co-workers, leaving the conference room, had me concerned for my fate. Some of the zombies had been there when I started five years ago. I met my future wife the day I started here. She was the front desk receptionist and dressed quite provocatively.

Sienna, the receptionist who turned into my wife, has not been blessed with a killer body. She draws attention by how she dresses and flirts. Unfortunately, as it turns out, I was a moth drawn to her flame.

Why I was culled from the herd is still a mystery to me. Don't get me wrong, we were married almost four years ago and it's been three of the best years of my life. We won't make it to our fourth anniversary.

Sienna moved on to another company before we got serious. That helped as my company has now, and did then, a no fraternization policy. The company Sienna works for has over one hundred people in her office and there are six other offices. She's still a receptionist. High school was never her best subject. To tell the truth, it wasn't mine either. I'm just a worker bee.

My time to visit the big wigs came, and I was thanked for all of my contributions, but my services were no longer needed. I cleaned out my locker and headed home. I was sitting in the kitchen nursing a bottle of Jack at a gentle pace. My first call was to learn about applying for unemployment benefits.

+ + + +

I hadn't been home ten minutes when I heard my front door open. Sienna works from 9 am to 6 pm so I'd be surprised if this was her. I heard a man's voice. I peeked around the corner. The guy was talking on his phone as he headed for the stairs to the second floor bedrooms.

"Yeah, I'll put the key back under the rock. The shoebox is in the closet, left of the bed, in the spare bedroom?"

"Yes, I'll close the bedroom door. I should be at the motel in about thirty minutes. I expect you to be naked when you greet me."

I recognized him immediately from my investigator's report. This is Sienna's lover, Richard Sucoir. I've not had a chance to meet him yet. I knew exactly what to do though.

I opened the door to the backyard and ushered Dracula and Satan into the house. They were jumping up and licking my face when Richard closed the bedroom door. The dog's heads snapped towards the noise and their ears perked up. They moved cautiously towards the front room.

Richard had only taken a few steps down the stairs when Dracula and Satan started barking, bounded around the corner, and dashed up the stairs. The first screams sounded like a first grade class headed to the playground. I stepped out back with my bottle of Jack. Even with all of the windows closed, it sounded like the pups were on the winning side of this encounter.

After the noise subsided, I made my way back into the house. Dracula came half way to me while Satan stood over the bloodied motionless body of Richard. He wasn't dead but he was doing his best to not move. He may have started at the top of the stairs, but now he was lying prone at the bottom of them. My first reaction was 'I hope he didn't break his neck'. That was quickly overtaken with 'Damn right asshole, I hope you broke your neck!'

The pups had ripped his face apart. His smile extended to his right ear. You could see his wisdom teeth. He was whimpering softly. His spread legs were just too inviting. The dogs and I worked well together. I kicked Richard really hard in the nuts. He screamed, jerked upwards, and both dogs bit him. Satan bit him in the groin and Dracula bit him on his neck. I growled and the dogs chomped down and thrashed him from side to side. Richard passed out.

"SATAN, DRACULA, outside! Let's go!"

After the pups were outside I called 911 "My dogs discovered an intruder in my house. You should send an ambulance."

+ + + +

This was going to force my hand. My plan was to ambush Sienna at her parent's fortieth wedding anniversary celebration. They are planning on renewing their wedding vows. I'm thinking I'll never have a fortieth. I guess it's possible, but it won't be with Sienna, that's a certainty.

The police and paramedics made quick work of getting Richard spirited off to the hospital. The pups had done a number on his hands, legs, head, and face. Pretty boy was going to have many stitches. He can celebrate Halloween as Frankenstein, a very lifelike version.

I heard a phone ringing and saw Richard's cell light up. The caller ID said it was Sienna. As much as I wanted to answer it, I knew if I admitted knowing who the intruder was, I'd likely face charges. I handed the phone to the nearest blue, Officer Simons.

"This isn't my phone. Maybe it belongs to dog food."

He took the phone, while it was still ringing, and tossed it into one of his plastic one gallon zipper bags. After they searched Richard's car, the officer in charge took me aside.

"Mr. Foster, do you know Richard Sucoir?"

"Not personally sir, but I'm very familiar with that name. My wife is having an affair with him. I only recently learned of this ongoing relationship. I've never actually met him."

"That's who your intruder is. Do you know how he got into your house?"

"No sir. I was let go from my job this morning so I parked in my garage and let Dracula and Satan into the house. I always let the pups in. They heard a noise and, well, you can see that they make great watchdogs. Shit! Do you think my wife is in the house?"

Well that got their attention. I waited out back with the pups while they searched the house. I grabbed the sack of pig ears and gave each of the pups a couple of them. They had earned it.

"All clear Mr. Foster. There's no one in the house."

The police continued their work and found the shoebox that Richard must have retrieved. It contained some BDSM items. Restraints, gags, collars, nipple clamps, spanking paddles, and a strap on dildo.

"Yours?"

"No Sir. Could be part of his Halloween costume? I don't know if he was bringing them or taking them. Ask my slut wife."

"Have you tried to contact her?"

"No sir. Until you told me about Mr. Sucoir, I had seen no reason to disturb her at work. Let me try her office."

After no answer at her desk, I rerouted my call to the main floor receptionist. Barb, the receptionist, is also the company gossip. I left my phone on speaker.

"Hi Barb. I'm not having any luck getting in touch with my wife, Sienna Foster. Can you help me?"

"I'm sorry Neal. I'm showing Sienna won't be back until 2 pm."

"Well would you take a message for my slut wife? Tell her that her lover, Richard Sucoir from sales, was greeted in our house by our dogs, Satan and Dracula. They ripped him to shreds. Thanks. Oh wait, one more thing. Ask her if she still needs her box of sex toys that she and Richard use, you know, the strap on dildo, nipple clamps, spanking paddles, and other things."

Officer Simons had the biggest grin "You expecting word to travel fast?"

"Yeah, they have a no fraternization clause. She might be as unemployed as me by the next time I see her."

+ + + +

It took the police a few hours before their yearning for donuts overcame them. I fully expected to see them again, and soon.

After unplugging the garage door opener, I made sure that all of the ground floor doors and windows were closed and latched.

Around 2 pm, Sienna started her cell phone assault. I listened to her voice mails, and read her texts, but didn't respond to any of them. When her car pulled up, at 3 pm, I figured Barb had dispensed the hot gossip.

There was fire in her eyes as she stomped towards the front door. Sienna used her key to unlock the door but the latch stopped her from getting in.

"Open the damn door Neal. We need to talk!"

The door only opens about 2 inches with the latch in place. We hissed at each other through the gap.

"I suggest you get a lawyer. He can get a court order to let you into the house. I just got off the phone with Richard's wife. She called me from the hospital. It doesn't sound like he has a home to go back to after he gets out of the hospital. She didn't know about the two of you but I agreed to share my investigator's report. I'm guessing you two won't have jobs either."

"I hope you're happy. I'm suspended without pay until my termination hearing on Wednesday. You'll have to pay me alimony if you divorce me."

"Nope, I was laid off this morning. That's why the pups were in the house. You should see what's left of his face. They are great watchdogs."

"Where am I supposed to sleep?"

"Something wrong with your car? Besides, it's not my problem. Now, if you'll be so kind, get the fuck out of my life!"

I closed the door as Sienna cussed and screamed at me. The neighbors, who had dwindled to just a few from the dozens earlier, were acting like merrcats again. Eventually Sienna drove off.

+ + + +

An hour later I signed into our bank's website and put holds on our accounts. Too late for the ATM. Sienna and already taken three hundred out. Thankfully, that's the daily limit on that account. I moved the remainder of the checking account into our savings account. The ATM isn't connected to it. We'll probably end up bouncing a few checks. Such is life.

I called Sienna's parents and wished them a happy fortieth anniversary. Explaining that Sienna and I were splitting, I left them with one last dig.

"If Sienna asks what I did with the box of sex toys that she uses with her lover, tell her that I threw them out. She had stuff like a strap on dildo, nipple clamps, spanking paddles, and other things."

It certainly got quiet on the other end of the line, so I hung up.

As I was cleaning the bloody mess on the stairs, I heard a car pull up.

Lieutenant Nelson flashed his badge when I opened the door.

"Officer, how can I help you?"

"Mr. Foster, the hospital thinks that some of the injuries Mr. Sucoir sustained are inconsistent with a dog attack."

"So you need to talk with the puppies? They don't quite understand this trick or treat stuff."

"Cute. No, would you mind coming down to the station and answering a few questions?"

"Not happening. I won't say a thing without my attorney being present. Thanks for asking though. You sure you don't want to cross check the dog's stories, you know, see if they match?"

"Have a nice night sir."

+ + + +

I found some dry cereal and fixed myself dinner. What a day. I was putting the dishes in the dishwasher when Sienna sent a text.

'How are we supposed to fix things if you keep acting like this? Did you really need to tell my parents?'

'I wasn't sure our RSVP to their fortieth included one slut daughter.'

'Don't leave anything valuable lying around tomorrow. My attorney is getting the court orders.'

'Perfect. I've got something for you to see too!'

I texted my attorney and told him to pull the trigger on the divorce. He texted back that his process server would wait at my house starting early Tuesday morning.

+ + + +

Surprisingly, I was able to get a good night's sleep. I showered, shaved, and started packing my keepsakes. I didn't want to lose my paper trail. Yearbooks, degrees, pictures, and anything else of sentimental value from my prior life. I'm not sure where to store them, but for now they're in the trunk of my car.

I let Dracula and Satan into the house. They sniffed around the stairs. The memories must be flooding back as each raced up and down the stairs with their tails wagging at a frantic pace. They eventually settled down and slept by my feet.

I changed the outfit on the manikin. I found a pair of Sienna's slacks, one of her blouses, and one of her brunette with blond highlights half wigs. I used duct tape to secure the wig. After adding a generous amount of Sienna's weekday perfume, it was play time.

The pups knew something was different, but that didn't stop them from shredding the outfit. They sniffed each of the fragments once peeled from the manikin.

As expected, Sienna showed up with a court order letting her have access to the house.

"Neal. Here's your copy. Step aside. I live here."

I said nothing while backing away from the door. The pups perked up and started growling.

"Dracula, Satan, it's me! Knock it off."

Sienna took one step and both pups started barking and showing their teeth.

"Neal, make them stop!"

"Apparently they dislike sluts."

Sienna tried one more step and Dracula nipped at her. She immediately backed up towards the door.

"What have you done to them? They used to love me!"

"I told you, they dislike sluts. I'm going to step out back while the three of you work out your differences."

Sienna, clutching her purse, backed out the front door.

"This isn't funny Neal. I live here. Put them in the backyard."

"You live here, you put them in the backyard. I'm shutting the door. Maybe that will kill the smell of a slut. Your key still works."

I slammed the door. The pups followed me to the kitchen and watched intently as I extracted some pig ear treats. Before each treat, I had them smell the perfumed items they had shredded from the manikin.

When I looked out the front window, I saw my process server finishing up with Sienna. As he drove away, Sienna was digesting the terms of the petition for divorce. As determined as she had marched towards the door a few minutes ago, this time she shuffled.

After knocking softly on the door I heard her speak in a calm and quiet voice "Neal, please open the door."

"You have a key, open it yourself."

"What about the dogs?"

"They hate you almost as much as I do."

"I'm sorry Neal. Don't you want me to try and fix our marriage?"

"Not really. I think the terms are fair. In this state it's fifty-fifty and we own squat. The only good decision you ever made was to stay on birth control so we don't have to worry about kids. The three hundred you took out yesterday goes against your fifty."

"Can you put the dogs out so I can get a change of clothes?"

I ushered the pups out back, then opened the front door for Sienna "Ten minutes then they're coming back in."

Sienna grabbed more than a change of clothes. She came down with two large suitcases. After setting them on the porch, she ran back up and came down with a reusable grocery bag filled with her cosmetics.

"There's nothing I can say or do to change your mind?"

"No."

We just stared at each other. I couldn't come to terms with the thought that Sienna felt that I'd overlook this. Every minute or so Sienna would quietly ask "Please?"

I shook my head NO every time. A minute turned into three then ten. Neither of us said anything else or moved. What was the point? Yes I could see that she was hurting, but whose fault was that? I turned away and closed the front door. I was hurting too but I wasn't going to give her the pleasure of knowing it.

Epilogue:

Sienna lost her job but found another quickly. When I was hired, a few months later, it resulted in my having to pay a small amount of alimony for two years. Sienna didn't want the pups. The divorce went through and I haven't seen or spoken with Sienna since the stand-off on the porch. I'll survive.

My homeowner's policy covered Richard's lawsuit, except for the deductible. It was so worth it.

= = = =

= = = =

Since election season is upon us, I thought I'd give you something to chew on when you are asked to increase taxes.

A man owns an ice cream store. Three girls come in and order the triple scoop with nuts, marshmallows, and sprinkles. He charges them ten each.

As they are walking out he realizes the cost should have been nine each. He grabs a five dollar bill and gives it to the boy who works for him.

"I overcharged the girls. Go give them some money back."

The boy, not fluent in math, put the five dollar bill in his pocket and pulls out three one dollar bills. He gives one to each of the girls keeping two for himself.

In summary, started with 30, three girls at 9 and the boy with 2. Three nines plus two equals twenty-nine. Where did the other dollar go?

And that, my friends, is how politicians justify tax hikes. They're always a dollar short.

Any math results blogged will be deleted. Feel free to email me.