The Blow-n-Go

"Yeah, man," Ed responded. "It's weird, but she's acted perfectly normal since the blow-up. I guess she got it all out of her system."

"So, we're good to go after work?" Artie asked with a devious grin.

"No, I'd better not rock the boat," Ed replied. "I still don't know where her head is at."

"Aww, man," Artie replied, shaking his head. "Well, at the very least, please tell me you brought your chili."

Ed scoffed. "Do I look like the kind of guy who would deprive you of my chili?"

"You definitely look like a guy who wouldn't deprive himself," Artie said, eyeballing Ed's belly.

They stopped by Paul's desk on the way to the conference room and froze in their tracks when they reached the door and spotted Pammy inside. She was halfway down the row of crockpots, and her assistants busily scribbled on their notepads. Before they could turn around, she noticed them and shouted toward them.

"Well," she shrieked, "if it isn't the Three Stooges! Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest!"

She stood with a self-satisfied smirk while her assistants chortled at her attempt at humor. The three men reluctantly entered the room.

"Why do you always have to be such an asshole, Pammy?" Artie asked.

"I don't know," she retorted. "Why do you always have to be such a...a...douchenozzle?" Her assistants doubled over in laughter. She looked at Paul. "Oh, please tell me you haven't submitted an entry today."

"I figured I'd give it a try," Paul said, sheepishly.

"Oh, how wonderful!" Pammy shouted. "Another thoroughly-mediocre sampling to enjoy today! I can't wait to see what an expert culinary artist you are! Why, I imagine you'd put Wolfgang Puck to shame!"

Paul shrugged and pointed. "It's the one on the end."

"It's supposed to be a blind taste test," Ed reminded him.

Paul shrugged again. "Who cares?"

Pammy strolled over to the crockpot Paul had indicated and waited for her assistant to hand her a sample. The spoon barely touched her lips before she gagged and spit chili onto her assistant's blouse.

"Good god, are you trying to poison me?!" she shrieked. "That tastes worse than a used condom!"

"How would she know?" Artie whispered, poking Paul in the ribs.

"Seriously, that is the most wretched-tasting chili that has ever invaded my mouth!" she continued. "Just terrible! An absolute embarrassment! Why on earth would you waste my time bringing this in here?" She turned to her assistant. "Quickly! One star for this!" The assistant promptly affixed a single star to the side of the crockpot.

"Jesus, Pammy, give the kid a break," Ed said. "Don't you think we should encourage people to participate instead of driving them away? What's wrong with you, anyway? All you do is criticize other people's cooking, but you never contribute a damn thing yourself. If you know so much about chili, why not show us how it's done?"

"Ha!" she shouted. "That shows what you know, you idiot! I'll have you know that I have contributed chili to your lame contest many times before, and you loved it! As a matter of fact, one of these crockpots is mine!"

"Oh yeah?" Artie said. "Which one?"

"I'm not going to tell you, you...doucheguzzler!" she spat.

"Well...then what's the point of mentioning it?" he asked.

She grinned widely, displaying a row of crooked yellow teeth. "Just so my assistants and I can all have a nice big laugh at your expense!"

The three men exchanged puzzled glances and grabbed their cups and spoons. Pammy and her entourage exited the conference room, but before they went too far, Paul called out to her.

"Oh, by the way," he shouted. "That wasn't my crockpot." He pointed to one with three stars. "That one's mine."

Pammy shot him an evil glare and departed in a huff.

Artie snatched the note taped to the side of Paul's crockpot and read it out loud. "It didn't make me puke."

"That's high praise from her," Ed noted.

***

Ed went straight home from work that evening and arrived at his front door before his wife had arrived. He went upstairs to his bedroom and placed his key and wallet on the dresser before heading to the walk-in closet. He opened the door and stood in the doorway as he wrestled with both shoes. He lowered his "work" pants to his ankles and leaned forward to grab his "comfy" pants when he spotted a pair of bare feet.

He leapt backward, tripping over his bundled-up pants and landing hard on his plump ass. He scrambled to his feet, trying desperately to kick off his pants, and then adopted a karate pose as he faced his intruder. It took him a moment to realize what he was seeing.

Standing at the very back of the walk-in closet, slightly obscured in darkness, was a naked man. He was tall and abnormally well-built. He was also clearly not real. Ed blinked several times and simply stared.

"I see you've met Alex," Nancy noted with a crooked smirk. She stood in the doorway of the bedroom with her arms crossed, looking bemused.

Ed looked from Nancy to "Alex" and back again. "Okay, to borrow your phrase, what in the holy mother of fuck is that?"

"It's my new sex toy," she answered casually. "You like?"

Ed shook his head and scoffed. "Ah, okay. I see what you're doing here. Ha, ha, Nan. Very funny. You got me."

"Oh, it's not meant to be funny," she stated. "I'm completely serious. I put a lot of thought into what you said about your trip to your little robot bar, and you're right. There is nothing wrong with it. So I rented myself an Alex."

"And what does 'Alex' do, exactly?" he asked.

"Oh, you're gonna love this!" she squealed. "It's so much fun! I took him for a test drive earlier."

"Wait. What do you mean test drive?"

"I'll show you."

With that, she went into the closest, grabbed Alex by the arms, and wheeled him into the bedroom. She carefully positioned him at the end of the bed, removed all of her clothing, and sat at the foot of the bed.

"Alex, kneel," she instructed. Alex suddenly came to life and took a kneeling position at the foot of the bed. "He responds to voice commands," she noted, "but he needs a little help with the positioning. They're coming out with an upgraded model that is supposed to be hands-free."

She spread her legs and positioned Alex's head at her crotch. "Alex, lick my pussy."

Alex responded instantly, leaned forward and began licking her pussy with his mechanical tongue. Ed folded his arms and rolled his eyes.

"Is this seriously happening right now?" he said. "You'll let C-3PO here go down on you, but not your own husband?"

"His tongue feels strangely lifelike," Nancy noted, ignoring his question. "After a while, it starts to vibrate and swirl. Then he kind of clamps down on my clit and whoa, boy! Let me tell you! I swear, he could get me off in ten seconds flat if he wanted to!"

"Nan, honey, he doesn't want anything. He's a fucking robot."

"Oh! Speaking of fucking robots! Let me show you what else he can do! Alex, stand."

Alex instantly stopped licking her and stood to his feet. Nancy scooted to the head of the bed and broadly grinned at her husband. "Watch this," she said. "Alex, get erect."

Instantly, Alex's prosthetic penis became fully-erect. Ed walked around the robot, glanced down at its package, and scoffed.

"Well, at least he's average-sized in the crotchal region," he noted.

"Oh, we can fix that," she said. "Alex, penis longer."

Alex's penis extended another inch.

"It grows up to twelve inches!" she squealed. "Although I don't know why anyone would want that. That's a little too much, don't you think?"

"Yeah..." Ed muttered. "You definitely don't need that."

"It expands in thickness, too," Nancy continued. "Alex, penis thicker." The robot's penis expanded. "Let's add a nice curve, too. Alex, penis curve."

"Okay, enough with the penis demo," Ed groaned. "I get it. He's the robot with the magic penis."

"He responds to touch as well as voice commands," Nancy said. "I could have enlarged his penis with my hand - or even my mouth. But I didn't want to freak you out."

"Oh, yeah," he said with a sarcastic tilt. "Thanks for that. Not freaked out at all over here."

"Okay, then," she said, spreading her legs. "Alex, climb onto the bed and fuck me."

The robot responded instantly to her command, moved toward the edge of the bed, leaned forward and crawled until he settled between her legs. Nancy reached down and guided his penis into her. "Oh, yeah, that's it. Alex, nice and slow."

The robot grinded on top of her, supporting his weight with his arms.

"Okay, Nan, enough is enough," Ed said. "I get your point, loud and clear."

"But we're just getting started," she responded. "Alex, faster! Oh, god, yes! Alex, harder! Fuck me harder! Yes! Alex, penis longer! Oh, fuck yeah, that's the spot! Alex, penis thicker!"

"Alex, stop!" Ed shouted. But the robot continued its frantic pace, pumping between Nancy's outstretched legs, which she held high in the air by her ankles.

"Sorry, honey," she said, panting, "but he only responds to my voice."

"Alex, stop!" Ed repeated, but in a high-pitched tone. It didn't work.

"Nice try," she said.

"Honey, please," Ed pleaded. "That's enough."

"Fine," she sighed. "Alex, stop."

At last, the robot went still. Nancy gently removed the robot's absurdly long and thick penis from her vagina and issued a few more commands to get it to return to its standing position at the foot of the bed.

"What's wrong, honey," she asked with a smirk. "It's just a fucking robot. It's no different than my vibrator. Just because it has a face—"

"I get it!" he interrupted. "Jesus, I told you I got your point, loud and clear. You could've heard that a lot sooner than you did, by the way."

"Yeah...well, I wanted to make sure," she said with a naughty grin.

"Listen, Nan, I'm really sorry I had sex with a robot."

"That's not what really bothers me," she said. "Don't get me wrong. I think that's creepy and strange and perverted and sick."

"Thanks."

"But what really bothers me," she continued, "was that you went behind my back to do it. You knew it was wrong. Otherwise, you would have told me about it."

He crawled on top of the bed and hugged her tightly. "I'm sorry about that, too," he said. "Honestly, I am. I feel like a big, fat, fool."

"Yeah, you are," she said. "But you're my big, fat, fool."

She kissed him sweetly. He returned her kiss with added passion.

"So," he said, "as long as you're naked and all worked up..."

"Alex, remove Ed's clothes," she said.

Ed leaped off the bed in a panic and faced Alex with a defensive stance.

"Just kidding," she said with a giggle.

***

"Ready to go?" Artie asked.

"Is it five o'clock already?" Ed responded, checking his cellphone. "Shit. Time flies when you're bored out of your mind crunching data."

Ed shut down his laptop, rose from his chair, and grabbed his jacket. He began to walk with Artie toward the front entrance when he suddenly stopped and turned around.

"Shit!" he said. "I almost forgot my crockpot."

The two men hurried to the conference room. The door was shut and the lights were out. Ed swung open the door and stared wide-eyed at the image before him. His crockpot rested on the table at the back of the room, its contents now room-temperature, adorned with a single star on the side of it. Hovering over the crockpot was none-other-than Pammy herself. Her mouth was covered with chili, and she was in the process of shoveling another ladle-full into her gullet when the men surprised her. She stood like a deer in headlights, staring at them, completely motionless.

Ed and Artie exchanged a look of disbelief and began chuckling and shaking their heads. In unison, they shouted, "Oh, Pammy!"

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Addendum: In December of 2016, entrepreneur Bradley Charvet announced that he plans to open a blowjob bar in London, staffed entirely by robots. Truth is often stranger than fiction.