The Demolition Man

The video was fantastic. Maria's loud voice filled the room as she rang her bell. Juan in his homeless garbed looked like Ricardo Montalbán playing the High Sparrow, looked on judgingly. Jenna looked ashamed; Tim looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there.

I took a sip, "Where did this happen?"

John laughed, "Fucking Red Lobster."

Taking another taste, I asked, "So no one got naked?"

Slamming his hand down on the table, John said, "Shit, I knew I forgot something. I guess we'll have to go to see some naked titties to make up for it."

"You're logic is impeccably sound my friend, let's go," I said as I grabbed my keys and we headed out to the local gentlemen's club to remove that stain on John's honor from his nudity mistake.

As we watched the boobs dance, I asked him when it would end. "When the divorce is final, I'll let it go then. Until then, fuck her."

The gorgeous dancer with the shockingly original name of Ebony then smiled at John as we placed our cash in her thong.

While some people have declared that there is no sex in the Champagne Room, John swears that there is. Or at least it was starting that way until the two extremely large bouncers were clear that John was not allowed back in the club for a month after what he and Ebony were caught doing.

John's response as we left the club was heartfelt. "I think I'm in love."

I don't know how he got into her car, but the raving of, "fucking mothballs" confused the crap out of me.

I racked my brain until I had to finally give up.

With a triumphant deceitful smile, he declared, "Did you know that red bell peppers end up smelling like moth balls if they sit long enough. The internet is an amazing place."

"I agree my friend," I said as I finished off my beer. "You seem to have let Tim off rather lightly so far, not doubting your brilliance, just stating an observation."

"Maybe I have, but he's had to change his cell phone three times this month. It seems that he's the most eligible man on Grindr, Scruff, Jack'd, Hornet and Farmers Only .com."

"Farmers Only?"

"Don't discriminate, gay farmers need love too."

Handing him another beer I said, "That they do my friend, may they find the love that they seek among the wheat."

That was followed a week later by a visit from John's Uncle the Sheriff to the house. I'd always got along great with his family so I invited him into the house and grabbed him a beer.

Taking his first sip, the Sheriff asked, "Where is my idiot nephew today?"

"He took off with his new girlfriend to Mexico for the week last Friday."

"Interesting, so he isn't local?"

"No sir, he's been gone for days. What's up?"

Just then the phone started ringing, the Sheriff turned to me, "you going to get that?"

"Nope, just saving the evidence of my lunatic ex's mental instability," I said as I took a taste and the ranting show of a message began. "Fucking lawn, work, brown grass, cheating whore."

Taking another swallow, "I'm guessing my wife's work has some issues with their grass?"

The Sheriff said, "It does seem so. They swore that it was John but it seems like he has a good alibi. Why don't you call him and we can confirm where he is and get this settled now."

I gave John a ring, and a recognizable voice picked up his phone, "Hi, John's busy right now, can I help you?" The moans that followed of "Oh, baby, right there, so good" gave a good indication of what John was up to at the moment.

The Sheriff took it in stride, "Where is John right now, honey?"

"Oh shit, he's inside of me right now."

I couldn't help but spew my beer across the room, the Sheriff couldn't help himself either.

Laughing, he asked, "Honey, I mean are you two in Mexico or here in town?"

John had taken the phone from her though we could still hear the sound of skin-on-skin contact, "We're in Cancun, Uncle Sly, just enjoying the local sites. I'll email you my flight itinerary in a little bit. I'm sure whatever it was, probably a bunch of punk teenagers. I've got to let you go, I'm kind of busy right now. Bye."

The Sheriff handed me back my phone, finished his beer and walked out, laughing to himself as he mumbled, "in me."

The end date of the divorce had arrived. I was a free man. And more importantly for Jenna, this was the end of John's games. It was a lovely Sunday and we were just getting ready to enjoy the first game of the afternoon.

As I sat down on the couch, I handed John a beer. "Thanks buddy, I appreciate you helping out. It's time for everyone to move on."

"Not quiet yet, one more to go. We've got to end on a high note."

"Can you end with something better than you've already done?"

Putting his hand against his heart as if offended by the notion, "My good sir, you wound me with your lack of faith."

That didn't scare me, it was the evil grin that sent a shiver down my spine.

"How bad is this going to be?"

Looking at his watch, "You'll see just about..."

It was amazing, just like a movie, at that second the phone rang.

"Now."

Some parts of the screaming were clear, "you fucking assholes", others were just bits of words like, "church, grandmother, midget, Elvis, strap-on, threesome, whole congregation."

I looked at John, "What the fuck did you do?"

He just smiled, "Want to watch?" he said as he opened up a video on his Ipad.

Inside was clearly the church that Jenna and I had been married in, so I recognized it quickly. The minister was preaching when suddenly a man came forward.

The minister was clearly confused for a moment but the man said he needed to confess his sins and stood on the altar and began to declare that he had sinned in the eyes of the Lord and wanted to atone for his wicked ways.

He'd been fornicating with a woman in the congregation named Jenna and that he wanted to repent his sins.

So I'm trying to wrap my head around this as I watch a four-feet-tall dwarf dressed as Elvis declare he's been fucking my now ex-wife.

And then it got weirder.

Watching the video in awe, as Elfvis walks over to Jenna, grabs her hand and suddenly starts talking about how much he loved it when Jenna used the strap-on him and pegged him while "Love Me Tender" played while he sucked on Tim's dick, but he knew it was wrong because she was still married. He loved what she and Tim did to his hiney with it, and only she knows how to make him feel like a real man. While he didn't love it when Tim made him dress as Tinker Bell, he'd do anything for Jenna's love. But now that her divorce was final they could finally be together.

Then he got down on his little knee and proposed to her. The ring looked huge in his little hands.

"Be my full-sized Priscilla, Jenna, I love you."

Jenna was in shock.

Her Grandma passed out.

Her dad stood up and puked.

Tim ran for the door.

Her mom was crying.

Complete pandemonium.

I was stunned.

I had no idea what to say as I stared at him.

He just sat back and grinned.

A minute later the front door opened and someone walked into kitchen and I heard the fridge open up.

A few seconds later there was a four-foot Elvis impersonator sitting next to me on the couch watching the game.

He cracked open a beer, looked at me, gave me a wink, and said, "Hail to the King, baby."

As far as my own revenge, I chose to be much more civilized in my retribution. I've been dating Jenn's former best friend Kara for the last year. Jenna had actually done a good job of hiding it from her friends. Kara's ex-husband had got caught banging some bar fly 30 years his senior a few years back, so Jenna had known that she couldn't share her secret with Kara.

There is something very satisfying about hearing your ex-cry when your girlfriend says that she can't go out because she is spending the night at her boyfriend's house.

She would probably be even more pissed if she knew that Kara's new best friend Ebony was going to be there with her boyfriend John. Ebony invited Kara out to Ebony's day job as a Foxy Fitness instructor and I compliment Ebony at every opportunity on her fantastic instruction after Kara showed me what she learned in class that day.

John intends to propose to Ebony later tonight when they get back to her place, just as I will be proposing to Kara tonight as well.

I fully intend to have a wedding invitation hand delivered to Jenna, and John just happens to know the perfect dwarf to hand deliver it to her.