The Last to Know

I could only nod my head slightly. That damn tube was still down my throat. It had been sore and raw before, now it was worse. A nurse came in to check my vital signs. Sort of redundant since that's what the machines were doing, but I guess they needed a person to actually do it once in awhile. She made a note on the chart and told me that as soon as Dr. Hartley was available they'd get the tube removed from my throat. I guess I was well enough to breathe on my own, again. Jessica had freed up the staff by agreeing to sit with me. The nurses weren't too far away, and checked everything frequently.

I went back to sleep; again. I was having this weird dream. Someone was talking to me; telling me about their life. I couldn't tell who it was, but I thought I should know this person. I was fairly certain it was a female, but I couldn't see any features. The voice was quiet and comforting. I slept on.

Sometime later I'm not sure if I woke up or just regained consciousness. Light was streaming into the room through the half open blinds. I could see someone standing there, looking out the window, but had no way of knowing who it was. To my eyes it was just a silhouette. I ached all over and my throat felt raw from that damn tube still in it. The machines surrounding me continued their monotonous beep, beep, beep.

The silhouette turned and walked back toward my bed. Finally I could see her features. It was Bev. Now I was confused. What was she doing here? And why am I here? And where is here, exactly? These thoughts came flooding through my mind as I tried to figure out what was going on. Gradually it came back; the transplant, the infection. But that didn't explain Bev. She wasn't supposed to be here.

As I found out later, Jessica had agreed to sit with me for most of the day. Of course she wanted to be with her brother who was apparently well on the mend. Bev had agreed to sit with me during the late evening and (really) early morning hours, usually from about 11:00PM to 6:00AM. The reasoning was that I would probably be okay with Jessica, but not with Bev. The reasoning was correct.

A few days after I was again removed from ICU and put in a semi-private ward, Jessica came in to visit after having visited James, who was in a ward across the hall from mine. He, too, was in a semi-private ward, and like me, had no roommates at the present time. Anyway, Jessica came in with an envelope in her hand.

"Dad. Hi. How are you feeling?" she did the normal platitudes.

I was still a bit pissed at her and James for breaking their word, at least without talking to me first. I had already talked to her about that, and didn't want to bring up the subject again.

"Hi Jess. How's James doing? He should be up and around soon, no?"

"He's doing good Dad. He's up and walking a bit, and you should be too."

"Yeah, I know. Probably tomorrow if Dr. Hartley gives the go ahead." I was curious about the envelope, but didn't ask. I didn't even know if it was for or about me. If it was I'd find out soon enough. The answer to my unasked question arrived almost immediately.

"Dad. I know you don't want to talk about Mom. Please, just hear me out. I already told you about what happened after you left Vancouver. I don't know the whole story of course since we weren't around then. Mom wrote you a letter, a long one, explaining what happened and why. All I, well me and James, ask is that you at least read it." With some trepidation Jessica handed me the envelope. I didn't open it; time enough for that later.

"So, your mother is still here?"

"Yes, and before you ask, she's been staying with me at your house." I was almost ready to become unglued at the unwanted and, to my mind, unwarranted intrusion into my life when she quickly continued, "I talked it over with your partners since you weren't in any shape to talk to us, me. Anyway, they suggested that she stay with me since you weren't there anyway. She's used the small 3rd bedroom. I, well, we all know you won't like it, and believe me we understand, but she had nowhere else to go."

I was, as she had surmised, well and truly pissed at the whole bunch of them, my partners included. "She could have gone back home to Vancouver, or better yet stayed there," I said. I tried, unsuccessfully to keep the anger out of my voice.

"Dad, that was the plan. As soon as James was out of ICU and on the mend she was going to go back to Vancouver. Then you got that infection. Dad, every night while you were in ICU she sat with you, all night. I was there during the day and she was with you every night. I know you probably don't remember but she talked to you and basically said everything that's in the letter." She was pleading; on the verge of bursting into tears.

"And I guess everything is supposed to be just hunky dory and back to normal. I don't think so."

"Nobody expects that, Dad. Mom just wants you to hear from her what happened and why. That's all. She has no expectations."

"That's good, because I'm not even sure if I want to read her explanation. That happened a long time ago and I have no interest in revisiting the past. If anything, I'd prefer it stay buried. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm tired." I rolled over on my good side, summarily dismissing her. I could hear her crying as she left the ward and closed the door.

I got the okay from Dr. Hartley to start walking, at first up and down the hall of the wards then I'd progress to the treadmill in the physiotherapy unit. I have to say, that if this is what old age feels like, I want to die young. It took days before I could walk the length of the hallway unaided, and that was only a matter of a hundred feet or so. My time on the treadmill was measured, at first in seconds, and later in minutes. It took weeks before I felt that I was walking at a somewhat normal pace.

Two days after Jessica had dropped off the letter from Bev I finally got around to reading it. I didn't want to at first, since I sort of knew what was coming from my talks with Jessica and James, but I'd never, at least consciously, heard it from Bev herself.

Letter from Bev to Jack:

Dear Jack

Now that I've found you, or at least Jessica and James have, I feel it my responsibility to tell you what happened and why over 20 years ago. This is not to excuse my actions. I wronged you totally. Everything that happened after I left you is my fault. I have lived with my guilt ever since that terrible time.

This is what I did, and why.

About a week before I left you I was having lunch with a couple of fellow nurses. One of them mentioned that she had seen you having lunch with a beautiful woman, and that you appeared to be more than friendly. I didn't think anything of it at the time because you always told me you were having lunch with clients or colleagues. Anyway, the following Sunday you got called into work. Your team was having trouble with some code they were working on or something. You came home late and were gone the next morning before I was up. This repeated for the rest of the week. I never saw you. You came home after I'd gone to bed and were gone in the morning before I was awake. By Wednesday I remembered the conversation with the other nurse. I was convinced, I convinced myself, that you were having an affair. Thursday I arranged for an immediate leave of absence and planned to leave the house, our house, after you had gone to work on the Friday, and that's what I did.

Jack, I was so, so wrong. I jumped to the conclusion that you were having an affair. With the hours you were putting in I didn't see you at all that week. Instead of calling your office and talking to you, or waiting up until you got home, in my mind I'd already decided that I was leaving you to your new lover. Jack, if that's what made you happy, I was willing to get out of your life, totally. I didn't understand it since I thought we were happy, so much in love. I should never have doubted that. That's why I gave my lawyer instructions about not revealing my whereabouts.

You didn't fight the divorce. I didn't answer the note you sent back with the divorce papers since you only asked why I had left and I assumed that you already knew. I don't know why, but if you had fought the divorce or I had answered your note, my mistake could have been corrected and our lives would have been totally different. I didn't want to tell you about the twins. If you weren't going to be their Dad, you had no reason to know about them.

Jack, it just tore me up. I was bitter for a long, long time. It wasn't until I ran across your PA, Pat, in a supermarket that I found out how wrong I was. She talked me into going back to her (your) office and checking your appointment calendar. We determined that you were having lunch with the manager of marketing. I admit that she is a beautiful woman, but as I found out, she was very married and would not have thought of having an affair, with you or anyone else. You were just having lunch with a colleague. Pat offered to let me talk to her, but by now I realized what I had done, how much I had wronged you.

I still had a couple of months until the twins were born and did what I could to find you during that time. Jack, dear Jack. I was so wrong. You had disappeared and it was totally my fault. The children would not have a dad while they were growing up. I spent a long time in therapy, learning to live with my guilt. It's never left me, the guilt. I just learned how to accept that it will always be part of me, and tried to get on with my life.

I kept our wedding portrait on the mantle of the house where I raised the twins. I know now that Jessica made a copy and gave it to you. I have many others, of us or the twins or with me and the twins. Instead of having you, the man that I loved totally, all I had was a memory.

I never, ever wanted to be in a situation where I could so grievously hurt someone else again so I never remarried. Actually I hardly ever dated in all these years. As much as I wounded you, I had also wounded myself. And I have never, not ever forgiven myself for what I did to you. I have always hoped that you were happy with your new life, wherever it was.

You have met Jessica and James. They are two wonderful kids who managed to grow up without a Dad. They asked about you, naturally, but I could only tell them what I had done. I didn't know until a few days ago where you were. If it hadn't been for Jessica and her knowledge of computers and how to get information from the internet, I'm afraid that I would have died with the guilt I have, and you would never have known.

I can't speak to the generosity you have shown James. How does one describe giving back a chance for a normal life. You did that Jack, without having had the joy of watching your children grow up, to be with them at their sporting events, to see them grow and mature into two wonderful, young adults. You weren't there for any of the highs and lows while they grew up. You weren't there and it was all my fault, not yours.

Dear Jack. I don't expect you to forgive me, although I hope beyond hope that at sometime you'll at least not hate me. You don't and didn't deserve what I did to you.

I do so much want to sit down and talk to you, to hear the voice I missed so much. To tell you in person how much you still mean to me. I understand if you don't want to talk with me, but I'm hoping you will.

Love

Bev

Whew! That was quite a letter. Yes she accepted blame, but also revived a bunch of memories I had thought I had left far behind; a life that used to be a long, long time ago. It was evident that Bev had no expectations of me one way or the other. I wasn't sure how to, or even if I should, answer it.

Jessica came into see me later that day after I'd read the letter. She didn't mention it. James was up and walking. Since his surgery was a lot more intensive than mine, I quickly passed his level of convalescence. He would be in the hospital for at least another three weeks; me, maybe a week or week and a half. If Bev was staying until James was out of the hospital, my home could become a very interesting place to live. Or not. I began to explore alternatives. I didn't think I was ready, or even wanted, to face the situation awaiting me back at the campground.

Salvation of a sort came from my partners. If I wanted, I could bunk at their place until Bev and Jessica were gone. They had a granny suite down in the basement that was mine to use as long as I wanted. This immediately solved two problems; where Bev would stay once I returned home, and the awkward situation that would have resulted if she stayed in the house. They arranged with Jessica to bring some of my clothes over. I wouldn't need much since I wouldn't be doing much of anything except walking and going to physio at the hospital. I was released from the hospital a week later.

Chapter 7

I read and reread the letter many times over the next few days. I was also remembering that voice I thought I heard, either in my sleep or when I was unconscious. From what Jessica had told me, the voice could only have been Bev's since she had sat with me all night, every night while I was in ICU, and Jessica did say that Bev talked to me while she was there.

Jessica was a frequent visitor and my partners began to treat her like an older daughter, an addition to the brood they already had. James was healing and would soon be released from hospital, then they would all return to Vancouver and I could have my house back.

Jessica sat down with me one afternoon to advise me of the proposed timeline then said, "Dad. I know what you're going to say to this, but please hear me out. It's Mom. I'm worried about her. Now that she knows where you are, all the guilt she felt is coming back to the surface. I told you about her years in therapy just so she could at least live with it. Dad, it's tearing her apart. She doesn't expect you to forgive her, but she doesn't want you to hate her either. Could you just talk to her before we go back home? Please."

"I don't, and didn't hate her. It took a long time for me to get over her, to accept that she was gone. Why would I want to revisit all of that?"

"Maybe because you still care, still care for her in your subconscious?"

"Years ago you would have been right. Now, I don't think so. She's just someone from my distant past, someone I used to know. The fact that she's your mother has nothing to do with it; neither does the fact that I'm your father. I was never your Dad."

"Dad, I, we, know all that. It wasn't your fault, something Mom always said. What is past can't be undone, but maybe you could at least see if you want to start over. If nothing else, become a friend to her, to us."

"With you and Jamie, I planned to become part of your lives in any case, since I'm now part of Jamie, or he's part of me, or something. But I'm not all that sure that I want to, or even should, revisit the past. I've built a good life here and have accepted that I'm by myself; and that's by my choice. I haven't seen or heard one thing from anyone that makes me want to change that."

"Yeah, but like Heather says, you're not happy."

"That's right, and you know something? That's not at all bad. I'm content with my life. I don't need excitement or any of the rest of it. Happy died a long time ago, the day your mother left me without explanation. I don't expect to see happy again in my lifetime. Revisiting what used to be or could have been surely won't change that. What used to be or what could have been are meaningless and there's nothing I can think of that would change my thinking on it."

"So you won't see her, talk to her?"

I thought about it for a few seconds then said, "Tell you what, for you and James I'll meet with her for a few minutes. Don't read anything into it. I'm doing it for you two. After that, once I'm mobile I'll just get on with my life here."

She profusely thanked me and literally skipped out of the basement suite and to her rental car. She'd bring Bev over the next day before my scheduled trip to physiotherapy.

The next afternoon, just after I'd finished lunch they drove up. The door was open since it was a nice day. I just waved them in when Jessica knocked on the doorframe. Bev looked almost the same as when I'd last really seen her so many years ago. I felt a little tug at my heart upon seeing her, but it soon went away.

"Hello Jack," she greeted me. "Thank you for agreeing to see me. It means alot. You're looking good, a bit older, but the same as I remember."

"Hello Bev. Come in and sit down." Jessica made like she was going to leave, so I added, "You too, Jessica. I want you here for this since you did all the arranging."

"But Dad..."

"Stay. You don't have to talk but you stay." She sat down like an obedient puppy. Bev sat beside her on the sofa and I took the recliner.

"So what did you want to see me for Bev? To make sure I don't hate you? Hoping something will happen between us?" My voice was flat, not angry or upset or anything, just flat.

"Jack, I just wanted to thank you for what you did for James. And yes, I'm hoping you don't hate me. I don't expect anything, honestly, but I'm hoping you no longer hate me."

"Bev, I never did hate you. It took me years to get over the hurt and betrayal I felt and I have no desire to revisit all that. What I did for James, well, it was the right thing to do. I plan on being part of Jessica and James's lives from now on, but between us I don't want or expect anything. We'll be acquaintances, but that's all. I've got a good life here. I'm content and don't need any more than I've got."

"I am glad Jack. Really. What I did, well, you know how I feel. I wrote that letter from my heart. You would be justified in hating me, but I've hoped beyond hope that you don't ever since I found out that Jessica and James had found you. You say you don't and never did hate me. I really have no right to ask for more, and I won't. As for the kids, we welcome you to be part of their lives. You deserve that, at least. You're welcome to visit anytime you want."

"That won't happen, Bev. I won't ever set foot in Vancouver or the Lower Mainland again. I told Jessica and James that, and I meant it. If Jessica and James want me to visit, either they come here or it's somewhere neutral. But it won't be in the Vancouver area. And that is not negotiable."

"I understand Jack. I think I might feel the same way. But one last thing before we go. You should get hold of Pat, the woman that used to be your PA. She'd love to hear from you. She doesn't know you've been found, but I suspect either Jessica or James, or both, will be telling her." They got up from the sofa and headed toward the door.

Jessica came over and gave me a hug, tears running down her face. "Dad, thanks for everything. We fly out in 2 days then you can have your house back. If James is up for it, I'll bring him over tomorrow."

She walked out the door, followed by Bev who turned as if to say something.

"Goodbye Bev," I said, and closed the door quietly behind them.