The Maury Show

I sat there and sank deeper into the thick, soft leather of my Mustang's seat. Tears started flowing freely down my cheeks. I turned off the small receiver box, and unplugged it from my Mustang's auxiliary input. By now you've probably figured out that the whole lunch date with Sallie had been a set up. There were tiny bugs sewn into the lining of the dress and even the shoes that I bought for Sallie today. I was hoping that she'd do what I'd planned for her to do. Go home and talk to Ellie about what we'd done today. I was hoping that Ellie would give me some kind of clue about how she felt about me and what she'd done. I was hoping that I'd maybe make her a little bit jealous, by buying some clothes for her sister. The dress, the bugs, and lunch, were far cheaper than hiring a private investigator. But my great plan blew up in my face, and hurt me far more than even the Maury show did.

I looked at the woman on the other bar stool, to see her reaction. she was staring at me with her mouth open. I laid a five on the bar and started to get up. the bowling alley should be open by now.

"Wait, you can't just leave. What did you do next? What do you do now? You have to tell me how this ended," she pleaded.

I sighed and sat back down. "Well, uhm...."

"Lisa," she quickly supplied.

"Well Lisa, every story doesn't have an ending. This ain't a dime store novel, or a free internet sex story. Sometimes, you just have to keep moving until the hurt goes away but I'll tell you what I did. I drove straight to the trailer park. I was only a mile away from there any way because those little bugs won't transmit much further than that. I pulled the door to the trailer open and as soon as Billy got up, I reached out like I wanted to shake his hand. As he extended his hand I sucker punched him in the jaw as hard as I could. He went down hard. While he was down, I kicked him in the nuts as hard as I could and then did it again for good measure. Sallie and Ellie were too shocked to do anything. I turned and pulled the receiver out of my pocket. I walked over to the trailer's sink and plugged the receiver into the cheap boom box they used as a stereo. The sound of their own voices made them sit up and listen. The only distraction was the moaning coming from Billy who was still writhing on the floor, with a growing blood spot over his crotch.

"Sallie, you're too good for this shithole and these people. I know you won't but I'm offering you the chance right now, you and your kids come with me. We won't ever look back," I said.

Sallie silently shook her head. Ellie started screaming as I turned to leave. "What about us? Ted I love you. I'll go away with you. I'll change. Please don't leave me. Don't divorce me. We can work this out. We have to. I won't let any other women, including my sister, near you. I'll scratch their eyes out with my bare hands."

"Ellie," I said sadly. "The worst part of this is that I still love you even after everything I heard on that tape. But I also hate you for the way you treated me. Sallie said it best. You don't know what you've got til it's gone. But she was just saying it to the wrong person. You knew what you had. You had a man who loved you, and was faithful to you, and did everything he could to make you happy. I say had, because I'm gone. I won't ever be back. Sallie was talking to me. I didn't know what I had until it was gone. Because I thought I had a wife who loved me, and only me. I thought I had a love that would have lasted my whole life. But that wasn't what I had, was it? And I didn't know that until now, when any iota of that love is gone, burned away in an instant by what I heard on that tape. I won't tell you what I had. What you are, because I'm too fucking nice to even say it. But you are gone, permanently. I mean it. Even if I'm just angry and hurt right now and later on discover that I still love you, it won't matter, because I'll never be able to trust you. And without trust we couldn't have a marriage. But don't worry, about a divorce. On the way over here I called my lawyer and told him to cancel the divorce." I heard them both breathe a sigh of relief. Since they had heard that I'd decided not to divorce her. Then I smiled as coldly as I could and started talking again.

"You don't deserve a divorce. I'm going to do this trailer park style and just drive away and start over somewhere else. Sooner or later I'll meet another woman and I'll fall in love again. But I won't marry her. Because of you I've lost my faith in women period. Plus this way it's better. In a divorce you would have had rights, there would have been a settlement, alimony, a division of property. With me just walking away, you don't get shit. You don't even get the house since it's in my name. All you get is the view of me walking away from your silly ass. Like this."

And I just left the trailer, got into my Mustang and drove away. Sallie immediately started trying to call me. She told me that she thought that Ellie was a sex addict like Billy, and maybe they could get her into treatment as well. I told her not to bother because I just wasn't interested in a wife who had to be taught how to not fuck around on me. Or one who had to be taught how to keep her legs closed. Over the next few days Ellie camped out at my job and even found my house. It got to the point that I told my attorney to go ahead and get the restraining order. Ellie ignored it. At one embarrassing point she was holding onto my leg as the cops tried to pry her away from me. I realized that the only way to truly separate myself from her was to leave the state. So I quit my job and started the process of starting a new life. There were a couple of things I needed to do before I left town. I know that I should have been above such petty things but I couldn't resist. The next morning I along with my attorney, visited the local post office. I played the tape for the postmaster there and he paled, when we mentioned an alienation of affection suit and a possible suit of the post office branch. Now we knew that we couldn't sue the post office, because it's a branch of the federal government, but apparently small town postmasters don't because he called the postal carrier whose name was Ed in and immediately fired him. He also offered me an upper 5 digits figure to keep the whole thing out of court. He said he realized it wasn't much, but it would help me feather my nest so I agreed to it. On my way out of the post office I found Ed crying near his locker. I tapped him gently on the shoulder then kicked him in the nuts. While he was writhing on the floor I lifted his wallet and stopped off at his apartment to play the tape for his shrewish little wife. She asked for a copy so I'm pretty sure a divorce was in Ed's future. That just left me Tom, for my petty revenge.

Tom prided himself on having the finest trailer in the park. He was also one of the few in the park who owned his trailer, and his actually had wheels. When I pulled into the park, without my lawyer, Tom was sitting in front of the trailer that Marilyn and her parent's lived in. I drove past and went up the hill to Tom's trailer. Once there, I pulled the trailer castor out of my trunk and attached it to Tom's trailer hitch. A trailer castor is a divice that allows trailers to be quickly moved and repositioned. most trailers roll just fine but the trailer hitch and the post and tiny wheels mounted to it make moving them awkward if they arent being towed. I quickly attatched the castor, and went around Tom's trailer moving anything like bricks, chocks and pieces of wood that might prevent the trailer from moving easily. The rest was easy just a good push to start it rolling down the hill, and gravity really helped a lot. Tom's trailer was headed for the lake. Once that thing started moving it was going to be hard to stop especially since Tom would have to climb the hill and then run down the other side to prevent his home from ending up in the lake. When the trailer started rolling down the hill it took a minute or two for anyone to notice and when they did they thought it was the funniest thing ever. I got the feeling that not too many of them liked Tom. After the trailer splashed into the lake, they all gathered around to watch it sink. Tom came sputtering up, out of breath from his run. He was cussing and fit to be tied. "Relax Tom," someone said. "Your insurance will take care of it." Tom didn't have any insurance. Someone else had started a grill and they were all roasting hot dogs and watching Tom's trailer sink. I guess some people will do anything for entertainment.

I called Tom away from the scene and he came with me. He probably didn't know that I knew about him fucking Ellie. I'm sure you think I was going to kick him in the nuts too, but I didn't. "This is for Ellie," I said, and I punched Tom in the stomach so hard that he doubled over. Then I gave him an uppercut that started from Mississipi and came all the way up through Chicago. The boxers out there will know what I mean. That uppercut laid Tom out. then I kicked him in the nuts. With my emotions vented, there was nothing left in that city for me. So I set my sights on greener pastures.

Before I left town, I liquidated all of my assets, including quick sales of both houses and everything else we'd accrued during the marriage. Anything I couldn't sell, I burned. I know for all of you legal experts out there, that what I did was illegal as hell, but I didn't care, I still don't. I didn't leave Ellie a fucking dime. I even burned all of her clothes. I did leave Sallie a few thousand dollars for emergencies with her or her kids, and an anonymous email address that she could reach me at from time to time, but I left town and truly haven't looked back. I don't stay in any one place long enough for her to track me down. From the sale of the houses and my assets, I have a reasonable nest egg. Whenever I move into a town or a city, I find work as an Engineer, pretty easily. If I don't, I move on. I moved my retirement account into a self directed IRA so I can still pay into it. Someday I will settle down and find someone. But probably not until my heart stops hurting from Ellie.

I hear from Sallie every once in a while, and she starts me to aching all over again when she mentions Ellie. Billy is totally faithful to Sallie now. He doesn't have a choice. He suffers from erectile dysfunction courtesy of my well placed kicks. He still doesn't have a job. Ellie, Sallie claims still loves me and still wants me back. She went on Maury again claiming to be pregnant and needing to track down the father of her child. She wasn't actually pregnant, she just wanted the show to use their resources to try and track me down. She doesn't want money or anything like that she supposedly just wants me back. I fly far under the radar because those TV shows have a lot of resources, including PI's, and I don't want them to find me, and give her any information on my whereabouts. Sometimes, I'll stay with a woman for a few nights or more, but I still haven't found anyone who could take Ellie's place in my heart. I'll probably love that scrawny, flat-chested, trailer park whore until the day I die, but I can't live with her, or be around her. So for now it's just me and my Mustang seeing the USA one town at a time. Even now a year later, every time I see some scrawny redhead, a tear rolls down my cheek, and I know that I'm still not over her. I'm sure she's probably screwed her way through the trailer park and half of the city by now. I know this isn't the ending you wanted or expected. In fact it's not much of an ending at all. If you need a better one you've got my permission to write it.

Lisa tilted her head back and finished her beer. She was a good looking woman, with long dark hair and crystal clear blue eyes. "You're definitely not what I expected," she said. "But you'll do." She reached into her purse pulled out a cell phone, a gun, and a badge/license. As she punched in a number on the phone I looked at the badge. She wasn't a cop, she was a licensed Private detective.

"Yeah, this is Lisa," she said into the phone. "It was another dead end. He's not in this town either. There was a guy here who drives a Mustang but it's the wrong color the wrong year, and the guy is too old to be him. I'll tell you something else Marty. I'm tired of this. I don't want to spend the rest of my life tracking down other people's spouses. I think it's time I found my own, so I quit. Tell the redhead, and the people from the show, that I don't think this guy is ever going to turn up. She's wasting Maury's money and her life looking for him." Lisa walked away from the bar, leaving her gun, her badge and her phone where they were.

"So let's see this Mustang," she said. I nodded and smiled at her as we headed for the door.

Six weeks later, I realized that I was in trouble. I hadn't thought about Ellie once since Lisa and I drove away from the bar. I told Lisa about it one morning as she got out of the shower and came towards me naked with her large breasts swaying from side to side.

She just smiled and said, "Maybe the reason you don't have an ending to the Ellie story is because you missed it. The ending of Ted and Ellie happened when you walked away from the Maury Show, your marriage was over, the rest was just the epilog. You haven't been looking for the end of Ted and Ellie for a long time. What you were looking for, was the beginning of the Ted and Lisa story. This one is the story of you and me, and our family someday, and this one will last for the rest of our lives."