All Comments on 'The Crusader'

Hi there,

I hope you don't mind comments about your story, about aspects which I know I don't pay attention to in my own.

Overall this was ok, I like the historical theme.

However, this suffers from a few issues...

1) Lingo. From what I know of historical literature, the authors usually go one of two distinct directions with only slight deviation. One: the author researches his/her ass off and writes very accurate dialogue with the syntax of the time period, e.g. Harry Turtledove. Two: the author just makes everything contemporary, just so it can relate better to a presumably American audience. Sometimes, as with David Anthony Durham, it's a very skillful blend of both.

For your story I found several jarring instances of anachronistic language.

2) Word choice. For instance, "void" should read "devoid", when speaking of Arabella's lack of traditional womanly qualities.

3) This is just a purely personal thing, but most women very rarely cum from just penetration alone. The in-and-out is really just for the benefit of your penises. Without clitoral stimulation, it would take a powerfully erotic scenario, or perhaps a paraphilia (as in my case), to let a woman's mind move her body into the orgasm zone.

4) Shifts too abrupt. From Claire, to Arabella, to the slave girl. If this was meant to be just a short quickie story, it seems too incoherent. If it is to be a long series, then the scene jumping present in this installment alone should span several chapters, to do each segment full justice.

5) Slight grammatical nitpicks. Too many run-on sentences in dialogue. While it's true there is very much leeway for this in dialogue, there're still certain situations where run-on sentences can work to advance a literary objective, and most of the time they're still just errors.

Ok I hope this isn't too long. Thanks for reading, and for writing.

Good God...! You are a most gifted writer. The historical theme is captivating, the depth of conscience and the emotional spin just amaze me. And the ending really impacted, forcing a huge groan of empathy from my heart. Five stars, a heart and a gold flaming banner of spirit for your soul sword. Thanks and keep on writing!

I like this! I have a real weakness for characters like Arabella especially. But I agree with the points Katie made above. Also, watch your adverbs--too many can make your writing sound clunky and "overwritten".

However, I like your characters and your attention to historical detail, and I'd like to see more of this.