All Comments on 'The Target That Stole Her Heart'

I incredible story full of emotion with well thought out characters that you fall in love with.

A little rough around the edges, maybe, but a lovely story. Keep writing and even the rough edges will go away.

So i tried to read it and i'm sure it's a great story. The plot seems really cool but i couldn't get passed the flow issues. It jumps around a bit and there needs to be more clear breaks. Dialogue is easy enough to rework, but it didn't need much. Fix the flow, find the editor and repost. I guarantee this could be a 5 star story.

Good luck and keep writing

You're clearly creative and have a mind for story-telling, and I absolutely applaud that. However, would you PLEASE buy a dictionary, and find a proofreader. Good lord. No one drives a porch; they drive a Porche (that was just one of many). Figuring out your tense would help the flow, too. It's appalling that someone would care enough to tell a lengthy story but not enough to make sure it is actually readable.

You just get better with each story. Gave you 5 stars. Can you please write a afrikaans story. Would love to read it.

The one thing that constantly irked me was the fact you kept saying the characters ethnicities. I get it the assassin is spanish. I dont need to keep being reminded of that or that the other one is Irish. Other than that the story as a whole was good.

Perhaps English is not your first language and that's why there are so may comments about grammar and structure, but the one thing that is universal is that it has a good storyline. For me, it was entertaining and fun to read. I would like to encourage you to keep writing. WilBeLes, you have a creative mind and something to say and I would like to read more of your stories. And yes please as the other comments noted, have someone proofread and edit your work. In theStates there's a saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water" meaning despite technical flaws, it's still a good story and you're still a good author - improve and keep doing what you do if it brings you joy and satisfaction. All the best WilBeLes!

I liked the storyline. There were some spelling/grammar issues that, if fixed, would make this so much better. For one, we are women. They are breasts, not boobs! Also, when a character has thoughts, they should be in first person, not third. For example:

"Oh my God, did she just have an orgasm in her arms?" Jesse thought.

Should be:

"Oh my God, did I just have an orgasm in her arms?" Jesse thought.

See the difference? Thoughts are just like dialogue, but are unspoken. This is friendly advice. Send me an email through the site if you'd like help with this. :)

~ L

You have an interesting plot line and characters. Literotica has an editor program that is free that I'd encourage you to use. It will help your writing flow better and make it even more enjoyable to read. Keep writing!

Thanks to all for the helpfull comments. I will def keep working on my stories. I have tried contacting a few editors but are getting no answers. I do apolagise for the mistakes. Thanks again to 'L' for the advice. Please if anyone can refer me to an editor that will answer me... please help???

Love and peace

WilBeLes

Nothing we haven't read before, but not bad, all the same.

HOWEVER, the writing leaves A LOT to be desired. In fact, this was super hard to read through to the end. Major perseverance was required. I saw your comment regarding contacting editors - keep trying, you REALLY need the help.

dear writer,

the story is really good...may have similar stories but u did really well. i took for than 2 hours to read, just dont want to fnish reading...so did this and that , while reading....really nice ...once more thank you very much for finding time to write this. wishing u to come up with different scenarios and good ones...all the best friend....

In your bio, you spell "write" as "wright" twice.

That said, this is very nice as a romance story. There were some particularly nice twists and surprises, like a killer who is so desperate that he does a do-it-yourself bomb AFTER hiring a hit gun, a fake nurse trying to kidnap an infant, and the "dead" wife's "ghost" extracting a confession from her not-so-loving husband. (That guy is a piece of work. I hope you don't know men like him in real life.) I also really like the theme of redemption and unconditional love, nicely embodied in the baby girl. There are volunteer editors on you to help you with your English and who can help you put a story together. I give you a 5 for the elements and the true love.

...if English is a second language then there is some excuse for the poor spelling and grammar. If English is your first language, then you need to do a lot of work to improve your writing. Apart from the spelling/grammar problems, the story is full of implausibilities. Three examples: I don't think a professional killer would admit the fact to anyone, particularly a "civilian"; the police would have realised that no-one was in the car when it blew up---there would have been remains (it would take a nuclear weapon to vapourise the corpse); how did Jesse put Charlie's fingerprints on the weapon---even an expert would find that nigh impossible?

I'm sorry to rain on your parade, WilBeLes, but a potentially good plot idea was completely ruined by all the errors and implausibilities. Not only should you get a good editor but when you create a thriller plot you need to think every little bit of action through so that they are plausible.

thanks for your effort

Great story, I love to read romantic stories and yours all have it. Sure their are parts of the story that are unlikely but this is fiction not an autobiography. A reader should always be willing to suspend reality a bit. As far as the grammatical errors, their is considerably less than your previous works (which I also quite enjoyed reading). You have definitely improved your writing. Keep up the good work and look forward to more of your tales.

Mr./Mrs. 'Almost',

Before you advise others, learn yourself to spell. It is still a Porsche!

ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have truly enjoyed all your stories! Hope you write more soon!

I loved it!!!!!!!!!

Interesting idea. But you want us to believe that after 20 years of killing people for money she forgave herself so easily? It's not very realistic. And frankly speaking she could stop after destroying her organization, so how is she better than Charlie? He wanted to kill his wife out of fear for his well-being, she killed his partner purely for the money.

The ‘Spanish’ character has an Italian name and the ‘Irish’ character’s father has a Scottish name (Nicolasa and Colm would be the actual Spanish and Irish versions of their names)