All Comments on 'The Temptation of Sammi Woo'

Submitted this one in a hurry coz of the competition deadline. Going to go back and correct those typo's and that bold font - eeeek. Sorry about that. Hope you can overlook for now.

Every time I read one of your stories, I fall in love with your character. Your writing is amazing.

Steve

My dear Chloe such a talented erotic tale writer that stimulates, teases and is good to follow as it builds, then drenches you in sexual description to beat off too but slowly. My mind was blown and yet it all seemed so real and the ending was how I like it. Keep on giving us this standard of writing pls!

SJH

Pretty sure I've given all your stories a 5 Chloe. Nothing here to buck the trend lol. Well done and good luck.

... about your writing is your repeated misuse of the apostrophe: "it's" is a contraction of "it is" and "its" is a determiner meaning belonging to or associated with a thing previously mentioned or easily identified.

You still have an unbroken string of 5s on my scoresheet

But you story just stands out on its own. Couldn't stop reading and I finished and want more.....

Your prose is atrocious, the vernacular used so obviously that of a teenager (v-card, really?) and the grammar is abysmal. The constant repetition removes any kind of tempo. After reading this I went and scanned some other pieces of yours. If this piece is an example of writing that was improved by editing, I shudder to consider the original.

Because, my dear Anonymous, I write good entertaining sex that gets readers of my stories going (like "Sammi Woo" - gosh, go figure), and there's a good story to go with the sex. As for the vernacular, it possibly escaped your attention that the protagonist (Sammi) is an 18 year old girl. She's a teenager. She uses a modicum of teenage slang, among which is "v-card." Really. Go look it up you dickwad. As for the one star rating, thanks for the silliness. Really, if you don't like it, don't read it. This is a website putting free stories out for readers. We authors do not get paid for anything we write here, it's here because we enjoy writing this stuff and honestly, you get what you pay for, and that's whatever we choose to write. So suck it up big boy, and if you don't like it, there's a place where the sun don't shine where you can stick it. I do love it that you comment though, it just shows up your petty-minded ignorance, if that's even what is is. Personally, these sorts of comments and votes always give me a giggle - if you can do better, you go ahead and write them and let me know.

So just so the rest of you readers know, the dickwad that commented gave this a one star rating out of pure spite and bile. While he's off sucking on a dead dogs dick, do me a favor and give me a ratings star to negate the idiot loser. Please (she bats her eyelids even more soulfully than normal ....)

Thankyou so much all of you ..... xoxoxoxoxoxoxo ..... Chloe

I think I would have enjoyed the story more if it were about half as long. The writing was good, but it seemed like whole paragraphs were getting repeated verbatim, and although there was a plot to the story, it would have been more effective if it were more concise. It got fatiguing to read after a while.

Fantastic story. Hot, filthy, delicious 5 stars of nasty good times.

Knowing little about writing I'll pass on that, but i enjoyed your story so much, i slipped so easily into the main character that it was a real treat to read, thank you.

I'd give you 10 out of 5 if i could lol

I came here looking for a similar style story and saw your name in the group sex section and came before the first page. Really glad to hear you picked up on some of your other stories like Jeong and Takeout. Looking forward to your new stuff as well. Keep up the good work.

Greatly enjoyed the extended build-up to the "actions" and the hot, wet "stretches" of Sammi's "channels of communication". Now that I've found you, I will be reading more.

“Temptation of Sammi Woo”

“He was actually rather sweet. Honest to god, Wilson was a nice guy, he was polite and he tried his best. Just, he didn't push my buttons. He tried, I'd give him that. Tried hard.”

--Varying sentence length here with long, medium and short (the fragment) proves effective here to hammer home how Wilson “tried.”

“On our last few weeks of dating over summer he really tried hard to push my envelope.

Just, not very successfully.”

--This is where a fragment detracts from the reading flow; to get the same effect as the above, I suggest using a hyphen, which grammatically emphasizes that piece of the message like an appropriate fragment would. Thus, it could read like this:

“On our last few weeks of dating over summer he really tried hard to push my envelope--just not very successfully.”

“She kept telling me to dump Wilson.”

Be careful of repeating elements like this too much; try varying the words. For example, The Free Dictionary suggests the following synonyms:

2.

dump - sever all ties with, usually unceremoniously or irresponsibly; "The company dumped him after many years of service"; "She dumped her boyfriend when she fell in love with a rich man"

ditch

get rid of, remove - dispose of; "Get rid of these old shoes!"; "The company got rid of all the dead wood"

Reason why is “into my panties” and other words in one section appear 4-8 times, and that much repetition could be what readers remember--not the story. You could use ctrl + F to find a word or phrase in a Google document or alt + e + f to find/replace repeats in a Word document. Similar for “swipe my v card,” as it occurs multitudinously.

Watch out for using possessives where they’re not needed (Harley’s), or capitalization in the same way like in “College” where no full title appears (like the “College of Medicine”).

"Sure," I smiled, looking around for Vicky. Except Vicky wasn't anywhere. Neither was Cindy. Not that I could see anyhow. They'd left me here? Huh? So much for friends looking after friends. So I texted both of them and told them I was going with Djävul. Which was more than they'd done for me.”

--This entire paragraph was repeated here and originally stated half a page to one page ago. Consolidate.

--I loved how you employed the tiered sentences from longest to shortest (about once per page): it gave the idea of jumping off the cliff and diving into unknown waters--just like Sammi did by returning to the biker club and dancing at the strip club. You also reversed this later and if you were trying this as something new, it worked well.

--Funny how “Djävul” means “devil” in Swedish. This seems more than just temptation; it’s a total seduction. It’s so much so I’d say this should have been retitled “The Seduction of Sammi Woo.”

--As much as I love your stories and writing, the sheer amount of repetition compels me to say while much you restate can be explained as matching the music’s beat, Sammi’s heartbeat or the heat of the moment, a lot can be condensed and consolidated to the point I could see this boil down to at least 14-15 just by doing that; reduce the remainder of the repetitions by employing synonyms for words like “knew,” “beat,” etc.

--I object to writing Wilson to awaken, given he was so hammered; your purpose and plot were to exclude him and the biggest degradation to a guy is to have his “girl” “hammered” by one or more men successively, so to have him in on the action betrays that premise.

--you did establish it early that Sammi thought the porno video she watched with Wilson was sexy, of the woman effectively getting gangbanged, but I didn’t remember her thinking anal was ok; the anal was a turnoff.

--I did like how you used Blue to talk to Sammi for closure--nice touch--since it’s usually stated Chinese are considered a “closed” community (as you also illustrated by her parent’s standards of no gweilos), so this (in a strange way) opens her up (sorry, no pun intended).

--Speaking of how this affects her...while I suppose some might claim this “liberates” her, it also enslaves her too: the dancing drugs her, as does sex with Djävul. Some may infer that the story partly (even if unintentionally) reinforces the stereotype that “good girls only go for bad boys” and that “girls only go nuts for a big dick.” I’m not saying it for Wilson’s benefit--only for general reality. Now on the fact that Djävul asks her for a date and she’s effectively his “‘ol lady’”? One could assume something “good” rubbed off on the “bad boy,” although I’d say that connection’s tenuous at best. And while her stripping doesn’t seem a stretch after her winning the competition, it does for her to return for another gangbang when she by all accounts should have gotten pregnant and maybe even an STD. While I can understand her shifting from straight-laced to extremely wild because of her overbearing parents, it also still deviates greatly from her moment of clarity as the sobering reality hit her while Vicki accompanied her to the Student Health Clinic.

You chose to enact several new approaches here: the tiered sentences, structured repetition of action verbs or verbs at points you considered critical, and structurally this appears you carried this over from “Summertime Sadness,” although you also carried the excessive redundancy forward as well. If there is one item you must address, it is that--and by reducing/editing that out, you will not lose any “soul” or “edge” in your story: it will flow easier and allow readers to follow it better.

It's definitely way too long especially the beginning. This is supposed to be a sex story and she doesn't even get fucked until like page 14. Also you repeat yourself over and over again. V card got swiped is spammed like 15 times in a row sometimes .. we get it. Story should've ended after the gang bang also. The rest after that was boring or more of the same. Ended up skimming through a lot of it trying to get to the good parts. Keep working on your craft there is much to be refined but it's a good start. When the sex parts get hot it's pretty good.

Appreciate those comments as well as the nice words earlier. Yes, this one was a bit rushed and a little rough around the edges, but I'm glad you've almost all enjoyed it so much.

Including the troll who just gave it a one star rating on the second to last day of the Summer Lovin' competition. Lol. Really. I mean, really. I can't help smiling. If that's how you get your rocks off, glad I could help. Xoxo

As Hot as always Chloe. Sorry about the late read. I had some difficulty with the computer. You pulled me along so I wanted to be there.

Thanks for sharing this story with us. Personally, I preferred "Fingerprints on my Heart", especially for the style. Especially in the first part, Sammi talks like a real teenager, with all these "like" in the middle of the sentences, with all these repetitions, and I really couldn't stand it. I don't regret reading on though, because in the last pages it feels like she's grown up, her language and her style are different.

I'm looking forward to read more of your stories, since Snake and I seem to share the same interest for Chinese girls!

Only sorry my rating came after the contest ended.

Literotica has some great writers and I have my "Top Five".....you Chloe are my No #1. I loved this story and I especially love how you describe and put in a lot of KISSING...big fan of that....the emotions you put into when describing the sex, your slow buildup, love it all and cannot wait for your next story!

You are a real talent Chloe, I hope you achieve some commercial success. One plea though - lose the "humiliate the Asian boyfriend/husband" angle. This story would've been all the better if Wilson hadn't turned up again. It really does spoil a number of your otherwise terrific stories. Well written and super hot!

Dear Chloe: Thanks for another fine story. However, I will really look forward to you writing something that doesn't end in a Chinese virgin losing it. Time to grow. Please eliminate all your projects but one and finish it. The historical novel sounds brilliant but I was hoping to find out what Isabelle did.

LOL. Just for you, my next story. The main character is neither chinese, nor a virgin. Just submitted it yesterday for the Halloween Contest so it should be up soon, "Welcome to Nockatunga Station (In your head, no one but you can hear your screams)" .... - it'll be in the Halloween Contest list soon and it's also in the Science Fiction category altho possibly it could have been erotic horror or maybe horror-romance or.... anyhow, hope you enjoy,,,,,

I know, not really, but I kept expecting Sammi Woo to turn into Baby Blue. Absolutely love your stories, Chloe, and I appreciate that you are still a Chinese teenager at heart and use teen vernacular in a way that coupled with your intensely detailed storytelling creates a very arousing tale with very erotic tail entries. Yes, teens don't have very elaborate vocabularies and once they discover a new cliché, they do beat it to death, which is what I am sure many of your readers do also. Just because they ejaculated aver your phrasing last night doesn't mean they won't return to it tonight and tomorrow. Sorry, but I've been very busy framing another house for the past several months, but now that i have a few days to catch up, I'll definitely check up on the rest of your inventory while I still await another episode of Chinese Takeout (that is so erotic, waiting for over a year for Jay-Lin to give it up) or for Round Out to pluck what she's so ready to deliver!!!

Hi Chloe

I started to think this story was too long and ended up knowing it was too short I just more and more

Well done keep up the good work

I finally finished this one. It took me a while. I think you should stick to the first time genre. I've read some of your other work, and while it's also good, the first time ones are the best to me. We don't get a lot of good ones in the first person female point of view. I thought the action was super hot, especially with Wilson watching the gang bang. You blended several great genres like group sex, first time, interracial, and even a cuckold scenario seamlessly without it looking like a fetish take out menu. What some anonymous posters criticize you on are actually what I like... the repetition, use of expressions like V-card, etc. But, I do think you should take criticism better, else you tend to attract more of it. I'll be reading your work in the future, thanks.

Appreciate that and yes, I got a bit bugged their. Just read a couple of my own comments responding and started laughing. Glad you liked that blend of buttons. Lol it was fun to write that's for sure. Anyhow, a couple of new First Time stories coming up for the 2018 LIT Valentines Day competition.

I love how graphic you explain the sex scene. Great work. However, I have two problems with not just this story but all your stories.

1: I love interracial stories but the self-humiliate is turning me off (poor Wilson). I get that you are into that race roleplay thing but dehumanized your other half in stories is not cool. I don't know about you but I don't like when people called me racist slurs even if she's a hot girl doing me. It put off my fire like a girl fart while you eat her pussy.

2: Your stories are too long, you got to elaborate to an at least 2-3 page long. I got bored reading halfway.

I really enjoyed this take on gangbangs and bikers. It wasn't the same old, same old. I found the men's careful prep work allowed Sammi and me both to enjoy the experience more. Their honest appreciation of her dancing and her body was refreshing, instead of shaming.

Wish the boyfriend had stayed home since he was such a jerk when he finally got "into her panties." I've never liked name calling, such a turn off. I loved the new boyfriend's encouragement and l'm glad they both like sharing. Thank you for keeping them together and letting us enjoy her new vest.

This is the most satisfying first time with multiple men I've read. Most of them have the focus on pain and humiliation rendering them much less pleasurable to read.

Loved Blue's interaction with Sammi, especially afterwards. I'm so glad you didn't end it at the gangbang. I can't wait to read more of your stories. You are my new favorite!

But it wouldnt let me. Great as always CT

I love your stories.

The way you dropped in some lyrics from “Nights in white satin” was completely unexpected and cleverly done.

You’re my number 1 author on lit!

Love the story. Great story line. So well written. So erotic. The best on the site

Love the story! Keep writing. Keep posting. And I’ll keep reading.

Her pussy must have been soaked with men cum if it was making that much squelch noises lol. I definitely dont really like sloppy seconds scenes just the thought of your junk touching other man liquid juices inside a vagina is gross. But other other than that the story is the hottest one I read yet

A totally different story from what I’m used to, but I enjoyed it more than I expected to. I look forward to reading my way through your considerable body of work. I kind of see where some posters see your work as repetitive, but it’s not a dealbreaker.

Wow Chloe, I loved the story and another one goes to the favorites list.