There Must Be a Mistake Ch. 04

"That's not possible to do Uncle Even."

"Do you trust me Delicious?"

"As long as you don't spank me I trust you."

"I would never spank you baby; I would enjoy it too much. One phone call to a friend of mine in Glens Falls, and it is done. You must never mention that to anyone."

"Uncle Even why are we still at a gas station?"

"Because you are still standing outside the car."

"Can you remember E-470 S four 27 ½ miles, then Interstate 25 for 203 miles?"

"No, but I have it queued in to the GPS. It will remind me what to do, and went to do it."

"Even did I ever tell you that you don't lie very well?"

"I may not lie very well, but I am a great cheater. Now get in the car so we can start our trip please."

"Bitch, Bitch, Bitch, that's all you do is bitch."

I put the car in reverse while she was still standing at my window, and she screamed, "Hey wait for me."

As she jumped into her seat I said, "Dummy just in case you forgot this trip is all about you."

***********

12. Culture Shock

The trip to Austin was the best of my life. She was an excellent traveling companion, and a captive student. She could not get away from my questions, and when her answers were incorrect, she blew her top after I ridiculed her lack of knowledge. Lack of knowledge; what a joke. Here was a 17-year-old girl with no formal college training talking to me, with a Doctorate in Mechanical Engineering, and 11 years of practical knowledge, and she was keeping me on my toes. I have friends in every area of science. We talk about all the new theories on the cutting edge of every field of study, and this wonderful child was only a few years behind the times. It took everything I had in me not to show her how proud I was of her knowledge.

As we entered the outskirts of Austin, the first thing I did was get the car washed. It looked like it had been in a road rally. It was no longer blue, but desert beige. They had to run it through the wash twice to get it clean, but I put a large tip into the box to make up for the hard work they did on it. It looked brand-new as we entered the University area. That is when I realized the car was quiet. Four 1000 miles, and 16 hours of driving, nearly nonstop, the car held a cacophony of noise. I looked at Delicious and her face was plastered against the side window. She had never seen a college campus, and this one was so opulent she could not get over it.

"Delicious are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine. What do they teach in these buildings?"

"Mostly they teach sex education, these are the dorms. They are coed."

"Boys and girls in the same dorm?"

"This is 2014 baby girl. Moral codes have eased quite a bit since my time in college."

"Even stop the car for a moment, and look at me."

I did as she asked.

"Crap, you're not lying."

"Why don't you get out of the car and go into the dorm and take a look. I'll wait here."

"I would be too embarrassed."

"Get out of the car, walk into that dorm, and see it for yourself Delicious. Consider it a wake-up call. If anyone asks what you're doing in there and tell them you are considering coming here for the fall semester."

"You know I hate you when you're being reasonable."

"Yes I know, and I hate you three times as much. Get going young lady, I'll be right here when you get back."

As she entered the dorm a campus police car pulled up behind me with its lights flashing. A petite female officer got out of the car, walked up to me, and asked if I had car trouble.

I read her nameplate, and replied, "No Officer Cougar, my niece just walked into that dorm to see what it was like. She will be out in a moment."

"Sir, you cannot park here. There are assigned parking spaces for guests about 100 yards down the street. Wait for her there."

"How is she supposed to know that is where I am, without panicking? She is only 17 years old; and never been away from home. What is the fine for parking here?"

"$1000."

"Do I give the cash to you, or do I give it to the Bursar?"

"If you have the cash, I get off at 4 PM."

"I have the cash and much more. Unfortunately, my niece is here to be tested by people who are not here."

"You're late. They had been looking for you since this morning. Since your niece is the one being tested, I still get off at 4 PM."

"That is a delicious offer, but I have to stay with her, because as I said she has never been away from home, and she is scared to death. Here she comes now."

Delicious yelled, "I leave you alone for five minutes and you're picking up a woman already?"

"I see your hormones are running freely. This is Officer Cougar, and she is about to give me a ticket for $1000 because I am illegally parked."

"I can see why the tickets are so expensive Uncle Even. When you walk into the dorm there is a bowl filled with condoms. Boys and girls share rooms. A boy asked me if I would like to join him in his room for a quickie. He was hysterical when I asked him what a quickie was."

Both Officer Cougar and I laughed.

"Uncle Even stop laughing at me, and tell me what a quickie is."

"Officer would you like to take this one?"

"She is your niece; I wouldn't touch that with a 20 foot pole."

"Delicious a quickie is pure unadulterated sex with no foreplay or afterthought. You lie down, spread your legs, he inserts his prick and fucks you as fast as he can. When he's finished it's over. If you have an orgasm so much the better. If not it's too bad for you."

"That doesn't seem fair."

Officer Cougar said, "Oh my God, she's a virgin. Don't let her loose on this campus, she won't last two minutes. The boys can smell a virgin like they can smell a home-cooked meal."

Delicious smiled. "Is that why all the boys were looking at me?"

"Delicious do you remember anything Duncan said to you? He warned you that many young men would be after you because of the way you look, and you have yet to finish filling out."

Officer Cougar said, "You keep calling her Delicious. Please tell me that it is a nickname and not her given name."

"I am sorry to inform you that her given name is DELICIOUS. If you have a brother and they were to get married, she would become a Delicious Cougar."

The officer laughed so hard she had mucus coming out of her nose. I handed her my handkerchief so she could wipe her nose, and compose herself.

"Sir, I have a brother, who is a senior at this university. I can't wait to tell him this story. You have to get on your way now. They are waiting for you in building D118. Follow me and I will get you there quickly."

I had not started the engine when Delicious started in on me. "I thought you had trouble talking to women. You seem to be doing very well with a Cougar."

"That is Officer Cougar young lady. I was stalling for time so you would come out of the dorm and I would be here. She wanted me to move down the street 100 yards. If you didn't see the car you would have panicked. I was only doing it for you."

"There is a high school jingle that goes like this: Liar, liar pants on fire."

"That's a nursery school jingle Delicious. At least I gave you enough time for you to have a quickie."

"Not funny Uncle Even, it's disgusting to think of a man doing that to a woman."

I replied, "For your information, it is not a one-way street. Some women want quickies also. There are certain circumstances when time is of the essence, and an orgasm is needed to let off steam. It helps both sexes let off steam or sometimes just the woman."

"No shit, then actually happens?"

"That will be $10 please. I'm going to buy you a laptop. I don't want you to watch pornography on it, because it will give you a disgusting view of sex. I want you to research sex on it. Start with the Victorian era and work toward through the Kinsey report, up to the modern day. It will probably take you 6 to 8 weeks to go through all that information. The Victorian era of the late 1800s will show you that sex was quite prevalent in the era of clothing that covered women from the neck to the toe. Many high-class women of that time never wore underwear. Their husbands would call them into their library, and close the door. Leaving their wives fully clothe, they would bend them over a table, or put them onto a couch, and have sex with them for hours. The staff knew what was going on but never said a word for fear of losing their jobs."

"It sounds like interesting reading."

"It will blow your mind, just like you are going to blow the mind of the people in this building. We are here; relax and remember to breathe."

**********

I was challenged as I pushed the buzzer at the door. I responded and the door opened automatically.

An oriental woman greeted us in the Cantonese.

Delicious hesitated for a moment and replied in Mandarin.

The woman smiled and said in Mandarin, "Excellent, even your intonation was close to perfect. You will be an excellent student."

Delicious responded graciously.

We walked down a long corridor, passing empty classrooms, until we reached a small auditorium. Grape, I mean Stan was there waiting for us."

"Where the hell have you been Even? You were supposed to be here yesterday."

"Stan would you like to see your email? According to it I am a day early."

He looked at the email and yelled at me.

"Even when are you going to remember we put the day first, then the month, then the year."

"I am not a European you idiot. I live and work in the United States of America. When I read the paper it is month, day, and year. When I turn on my computer it is month, day, and year. When will you assholes realize that normal people don't do what spooks do?"

Delicious said, "That will be $10 please."

"It was worth it."

"Fuck off Even. Ever since that young lady came into your life, you have become a pain in my ass."

"If you think I am a pain in your ass, wait until she destroys your tests. You are going to have a headache that will last you a lifetime."

"We will see about that starting tomorrow. We have 12 people instead of 18 in this class. Six were culled out for moral reasons. IQ tests start at 8 AM tomorrow morning. You will get a one-hour break starting at 12:30 PM and the test will end at 6:30 PM. If further testing is needed, it will continue on the next day. You can go with your chaperones to get something to eat. You can go to the campus cafeteria, or you can eat here at our cafeteria, although I don't recommend it."

Delicious got up to speak to the oriental woman who greeted us. She asked if there was a great, not good, but great sushi restaurant in the area.

Yoki responded, "My father has a Japanese restaurant that has the best sushi in town."

"Would you like to join my Uncle Even and me for dinner at your dad's place? It will be my uncle's treat."

Yoki smiled. "Your uncle is one of the wealthiest men I know. I will never turn down a free meal from him."

I said over Delicious' shoulder, "Are you giving my money away again?"

"You told me not to use the money in my checking account. The only other money I have access to is yours. I am just spreading the wealth around. It's great for the economy."

"I thought you were going to be a scientist, not an economist."

"Working with money is a science Uncle Even. You should understand that by now. Isn't that the reason you purchased that whole city block?"

Yoki coughed. "Even, you bought an entire city block in Denver?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time Yoki. Land values were depressed. Three of the buildings were going into foreclosure and not paying their rent. The Corporation that owned the land needed cash desperately, and I was their white knight. I purchased the land, the rights to what is below it, and the air rights above it. I also purchased the five buildings that are on it. It only cost me $278 million 6 years ago. Since the economy has come back, and the buildings are over 80 percent full, the value on the package is now over $460 million."

Yoki said, "I am going to eat you out of house and home."

"Yoki, I don't know what your salary is, so I will make you a $1 bet. You will not be able to eat as much as my niece can."

"You have never seen me eat."

I smiled and looked at Delicious. "I believe that echo has followed us to Austin."

"You are right Uncle Even. I remember that quote from somewhere in New England."

**********

As I paid the bill, Yoki's father was reprimanding her for bringing someone into his restaurant that ate a complete side of a salmon. He was going to have to have more salmon delivered by express shipping, because his next delivery was not due for three days.

I walked over to Mister Shimomura, and he immediately calmed down. I asked him if he could do me a great favor. He asked me what I needed.

"Mister Shimomura, my niece, and I will be in town for the next 3 to 4 weeks, and she loves sushi. I would expect that we would be at your restaurant at least twice, possibly three times a week. I would like you to make a special purchase of three salmon per week for the three of us. I will gladly pay you in advance for the first three weeks, including all your costs. I only want the best salmon available. If they have blue fin tuna available, purchase it and I will immediately pay you the additional cost plus a stipend for being able to get it for us."

He started bowing to me, and speaking Japanese, which I did not understand one word of it.

Yoki broke it down for me in one very short sentence.

"Even my father would be delighted to take care of this order for you, and he will get you the best that is available on the world market."

"Yoki ask your father if a $10,000 advance will be enough, especially with the price of the blue fin tuna."

Mister Shimomura was a tiny man, but when he grabbed me around my chest in thanks for this order, I thought he was going to break every rib I had. I felt much better when we left the restaurant.

********

At 8 AM the IQ tests started. One student and two testers per room. The door to each room had a small portal of glass. I told Delicious if she ever got nervous to look at that glass, because I would be looking at her every moment she was in there.

At the beginning she must've looked at me every few minutes, but as she got into the testing her head never wavered from the papers or from the proctors face. She knew I was there.

At 12:30 PM a buzzer sounded, and we went to their cafeteria for lunch. I understood why they did not recommend eating there.

At 1:30 PM it started all over again. Delicious had two different proctors, and they were firing questions at her nonstop. She did not seem flustered by this double-teaming, and every once in a while, she would look at me and smile.

When the day was over she was covered in sweat.

"I need to take a shower before we go out to dinner, otherwise I will stink up the place."

"I wasn't going to mention it, but I was going to stand a few feet further away from you if you didn't take a shower."

"Was the air-conditioning broken, or did they keep the room hot for reason?"

"They make the room hot to make you as uncomfortable as possible. The more uncomfortable you are the more mistakes they expect you to make."

"It doesn't work that way with me Uncle Even. I get more pissed off, and I focus better. I forget what's going on around me and concentrate on their questions. They were the ones that got angry, because they could not get me to make mistakes."

"What did I tell you before we started the trip down here?"

"Do you want the entire list of things you told me?"

"There's a list?"

"Yes, and it is a very long list. Relax, breathe, concentrate, and don't let them upset you, because you are going to make them rewrite this test."

"That's the one I'm talking about. The others are very important, so are the ones you didn't mention, but I will bet you $100 that you are going to be called back tomorrow morning for more IQ testing."

"Is that all you can think about at a time like this; taking my money away."

"Why not, you are rich."

"You told me not to touch that money."

"I'm talking about the money in the pretzel jar. There's $20 of my money in there, no there will be $30 in there now. It should give you an incentive to win this weeks' lottery."

"Speaking of the lottery, I can't play because I'm only 17. I have a group of numbers that I think will win not only the lottery but the Powerball lottery. Will you play them for me?"

"What do I get out of it?"

"You get the honor and privilege of getting your picture in the paper, kissed by Miss Colorado, and pay local, state, and federal taxes on the money I win."

"Delicious somehow I feel that I would be getting the short end of the stick on that deal. However, since the money would be given to me, and not to you, I may be able to work something out with you as a fair and equitable agreement."

"Even somehow I feel I would be getting the short end of the stick on that deal."

"There is that damn echo again. Take your shower I'm hungry."

"Dammit, that's my line."

*******

The following morning only two people were held over for additional IQ testing. Delicious was one of them. The others were sent for skills training in areas they showed promise in. It was the same drill as the day before, only the testing was more severe, and the room seemed hotter.

By 10 AM the proctors had their jackets and ties off, and their shirts were soaked with sweat. Delicious looked at me for a brief moment, and I hand signaled her I would be back in 15 minutes. She nodded her head and continued with her testing. I ran back to our rooms and took out her short pink outfit, bra, panties, socks, and sneakers. I also took a towel and her toiletries. I stuffed them into her backpack and returned to her testing center.

At 12:30 PM she walked out of the room dripping wet. She said, "I'm starving and I need something cold to drink."

I said, "You have to go to the bathroom, URGENTLY."

"Even, I need something cold to drink."

I handed her the backpack and said, "Baby girl go tinkle, and I will get you something cold to drink."

"I hate you Uncle Even."

"I know, and I hate you three times as much."

She walked into the lady's room, pissed off at me, as usual.

I ran to the cafeteria, purchased a large Root Beer, and walked back to wait for her.

10 minutes later a youthful new woman walked out of that room and smiled at me.

"That was a very long tinkle Niece Delicious. Here is your Root Beer."

"I don't like Root Beer, you do."

"Oh yes, you are correct. I guess I'll have to drink it." I took along deep swallow, while she stared at me.

"Uncle Even that was mean."

"I can tell it was mean just by looking at you."

She looked down at herself and grinned. "You know how much I hate you when you do this to me."

"Yes, but I think we should get you something to eat and drink to go along with your sexy new outfit and go back to testing."

***********

She breezed through the remainder of the afternoon session, but it was not so for her proctors. The temperature in the room must have been in the low 100s and they were perspiring through their shirts. At the end of the day they were exhausted, and her body glistened.

"I believe you made enemies today Uncle Even."

"Trust me my dear; it is not the first time I have pissed them off, and it will not be the last. However, they need me much more than I need them."

"It sounds like an ideal relationship."

"It certainly is."

At 8 o'clock the next morning we were taken to a different building where I was told to sit down, and they were taking Delicious to another area.

Delicious screamed, "No. I am not going anywhere without my uncle."

"Miss Mark, he cannot be there for this interview."

"In that case, I'm leaving now."