Three Waves

So I end with the questions you must now ask yourself:

Parents always say they would give up anything for their children, can you accept your wife gave up her life with you for your daughter? Can you accept the trade of life with your wife was worth the life of your daughter? Can you forgive and pick up your life with your wife? Hate me if you will, but your daughter is alive because of the sacrifices your wife made.

James Madison

****

I almost ran into a U Haul moving van as my car screeched to a halt in front of Sarah's house.

A "For Sale" was sticking out of the lawn with a prominent "BANK OWNED PROPERTY" at the top of the pole.

No even stopping to knock, I barged though the door to find Sarah in a ratty sweatshirt surrounded by cardboard moving boxes.

"Brad!" Sarah exclaimed, her hand brushing her hand through her hair. "What are you doing here?'

I thrust the letter into her hands. "What the Fuck is this?"

Sarah's face went through a whole range of emotions as I paced the floor trying bleed off anger fueled energy.

Finally, Sarah laid the paper on a pile of moving boxes. "James was not a bad man."

"BULLSHIT!" I spat, picking up the letter. "James was scum, even he knew it, may he rot in hell."

I took a step toward Sarah. "Is it true?" I asked shaking the letter in her face.

Sarah did not back down and stood her ground. "You want answers." It was a statement not a question.

"I think I'm entitled!" I shot back.

"You want answers!" Sarah said again, her voice raising in volume.

I was almost yelling, "I want the truth!"

Sarah got right in my face 'You can't Handle the TRUTH!"

I threw up my hands and turned around. "This is not a scene from the movie a 'A Few Good Men', you are not Jack Nicholson and I am certainly not Tom Cruise. Just answer the God Damn Question!"

"Fine, Brad!" She said, her voice low before yelling out. "I HAD TO STOP YOU FROM KILLING YOURSELF!"

Sarah's statement was like a physical blow, I staggered back, her words took all the wind out of my sails.

"What, what, are you talking about..." I stammered.

She got a sad look on her face before moving a box off a chair to sit down. "Come on Brad, you did not marry a fool. I could always read you like a book. Besides you were always sloppy on the computer, never clearing your browsing history, or online searches."

"Shit." I muttered, leaning against the wall.

Sarah twisted the rag in her hands. "I am not Sherlock Holmes, if I could figure out what you were going to do, how long would it take an experienced investigator to uncover the same information, and come to the same conclusion?" She looked at her hands, "I was desperate, I could not lose both you and Anne."

"Why did you not just say something to me?" I asked.

"Would that have changed what you were going to do?" Sarah replied. When I did not answer, she continued. "I thought so Brad."

She got up and started pacing the room. "It was an impossible situation, if you went through with your actions, I would lose you, the insurance would not pay out any money, my daughter would lose her father, and I would lose my husband and my daughter."

Sarah to turned to face me. "Even if by some miracle your death did bring in some money, you know from your own online estimates it would not have been enough to cure Anne. All your death would have done is deprive Anne of her father when she needed him most, and I would still be without you."

"Sarah, you could have told me. We could have worked something out."

She shook her head. "I could not let you live with that decision I knew had to be made. It was all on me, I was going to carry the weight."

"That is not how marriage works Sarah. We are supposed to be a Team."

She shook her head again. "Someone had to take one for the team. You were going to give your life for the good of your family. My option was...less drastic."

I still could not wrap my head around all this new tidal wave of information. "What about the experimental treatment that could have killed our daughter? Do you not think as the father I should have a say in the welfare of my daughter?"

Sarah heard the anger in my voice, but did not hide behind any excuses. "We both saw our daughter dying a little each day. It was only a matter of time, and time was running out." I looked away, "Brad, you know Anne was suffering, did you want that to continue?"

"I should have been involved!" I shouted back.

Sarah shook her head. "I had already caused you enough pain, I could not bear to give you any more. This was a chance to have our daughter whole again..."

"Or dead" I interrupted.

She shook her head again. "A drowning person will grab at the sharp point of a sword to save themselves. As a mother, I needed my daughters pain to be over, one way or the other."

Sarah reached out to touch me before speaking again, but I backed away. "Brad, I did everything with us as a family in mind, even though we were not a family in the truest sense anymore. I never stopped loving you." She brushed a tear from her eye, "so many times I hurt so bad being away from you, that I just wanted to crawl up on your porch, and just curl up and die."

"Well Sarah, if you get that urge again, make sure it is a Tuesday, because that is the day I take out the trash." I saw her stifle a laugh. "If all your longing for me is true, why not leave James and come back to me after Anne recovery?"

Sarah bit her lip in though before answering. "Don't think I did not consider it. But, I had made my bed and now I had to sleep in it with James. I was in a Prison of my own making. Sure, it was a nice jail with a decent warden, but still not where I wanted to be. Besides, I doubt you would have taken me back, and you had Justine by then. I cannot tell you how jealous I was of her, but when I saw how happy she made you and Anne, I just wanted to be a part of it. A quarter of a loaf of bread to a starving person is better than none."

I looked around the room at all the boxes, I needed a break from this conversation. "What is with all the boxes? The move?"

Sarah just waved her hand at the room. "Bank owns this place now, they even repo'd the cars, I managed to finance a used Camry to drive. We are moving to an apartment complex near Anne school. It is not a bad place, Anne will still have her own room." She laughed, "No pool though, Anne is going to need to rough it next summer." Sarah's face turned serious, "I know I put you thorough a lot, but any chance, you and I and Anne could..."

I turned away, almost running to the door. "Sarah, I gotta go, I will talk to you later."

****

Three days later I am knocking at the door to Sarah's new apartment.

It had been a long three days, the whole time I was lost in thought (Which Marge claimed was unfamiliar territory for me.)

Did I still have feelings for Sarah? Would our being together be better for Anne? I had the money and the job with all the benefits now. Could I forgive? Move on? Was there anything to forgive? Move onto what?

While I know Sarah believed she had acted at all times with everyone's best interests in impossible circumstances, I could not shake the fear that if we got together, I may wake up one day missing a kidney because Sarah had decided on a better use for it.

I sought the opinion of Marge and the Chief. The Chief told me to "Stop drifting, and either set sail or drop anchor." Marge was less eloquent.

"Grow a pair of balls, and shit, or get off the God Damn pot, you are never going to make a call with an empty nut sack."

The opening of the door brought me back to the present. Sarah was dressed in a long sweatshirt and I could see the pile of boxes and chaos that is the bane of every move since the caveman days.

"Brad, would you like to come in? Anne will be ready in just a minute."

"Sure Sarah, but first we need to have a conversation."

I took a deep breath walking through the doorway, while recalling a line from a French Philosopher "One finds ones destiny on the path you take to most avoid it."

****

If you made it all the way to the end, thank you for staying with me. This is the end of the tale, and any errors at beginning, middle or end are mine and mine alone. Orphan diseases are a real thing, and manty more people succumb each year, as consolidation of Pharmaceutical companies leads to more research focused on the bottom line and Government funding cutbacks to non-profit research facilities takes its toll.