Too Close for Comfort

He handed her a cup of coffee. "I couldn't remember if you liked Hazelnut or Amaretto creamer so I took a chance and went with Amaretto. How'd I do?"

She took a sip. Her taste buds came alive and she felt the warmth of the fluid travel down to her stomach. The jolt from the caffeine would come a bit later but the smell and the taste were like heaven to her. "What are you doing here?" she asked again, this time coherent and clear.

"Well, I figured you have a ton of food to take to the homeless shelter this morning and what would take you 5 or 6 trips in your girly little hybrid scooter would take us 1 trip in my manly-man monster truck. So, here I am. Oh shit, you're going to make me burn the bacon. Do you have cheese for the eggs? Never mind, I'll find it myself. Go, go, go. Set the table and leave me be while I finish."

Breakfast was a feast made for a queen. They sat and ate heartily, like they hadn't eaten in weeks rather than the few hours it had been since the party. As the blood started pumping and the caffeine kicked in, Jacinda blurted out, "Hey, what did you say to my brother yesterday?"

Khari froze for a moment and then looked Jacinda in the eye. "I told him that I loved you and that I was going to do whatever it took to get you back." Khari was telling the truth in more ways than one. He was confessing his truths and revealing himself in a way that made him vulnerable and afraid. That was a greater truth than he had ever known.

Jacinda's eyes searched the room, looking for something to focus on to keep her from crying. She remembered the hurt and she wanted to lash out, to hit him, but she sat frozen for a few minutes. Khari let her process. "What did he say to you?"

"He told me that if I hurt you again that he would kill me."

Jacinda gave a nervous chuckle and went back to eating. After a few minutes of awkward silence she spoke up. "You know, I don't want you back. You lied to me about loving me and I can never trust you again. I . . ." Her voice crackled and trailed off.

Khari grabbed her by the hand and pulled her to the sofa. He sat next to her and tilted her chin up with his finger. He wanted her to look at him. "Jay, I didn't lie to you about loving you. I lied to myself. I have been walking around broken and insecure and immature my whole life. When I met you, I pretended to be someone I wasn't to impress you and get you into bed because that's what I did. I did, most certainly love you, however. Thing is, I didn't know how to love you the way you needed because I didn't love myself. Truth be told, I still don't know how to love myself but I'm working on it every day and I'm getting there. When we were together, I felt like you were too good for me. No matter how honest I was with you, no matter how many times I fucked up, you would look at me with these eyes that told me you saw something greater in me. I didn't know how to handle that. I only knew how to handle women who worshipped and adored the fake me."

"With other women," he continued, "I could lie and pretend and they didn't dig any deeper, they didn't ask anything of me other than a romantic dinner and a hot fuck. I didn't feel worthy of you because I felt this ugly part of me inside was just going to end up coming out and when you finally saw the real me, you would stop loving me. The thought of that scared the shit out of me. No matter how much ugly came out of me, no matter how many lies I revealed, you kept finding something beautiful to love about me. I was afraid. You were so close to the real me, too close for comfort. I had run out of beautiful parts and I was afraid you wouldn't look at me with the same magic in your eyes when you saw the ugly, real parts of me. I didn't know how to deal with that level of insecurity so I did the only thing I knew how to do, hurt you before you had a chance to hurt me. I loved you, Jay, more than you will ever know. I just didn't feel worthy of your love and I fucked it up and I did heinous things and I will be forever sorry. I did love you but you have to know that I loved you in a way that I just didn't know how to deal with."

Jacinda was crying hysterically again, just like the last time they shared time and space in her apartment, the night he walked out and crushed her heart. Khari got up and cleared the table. He came back and took her hand as he stood over her, "I'm leaving now. I don't want to hurt you; I don't want to see you cry. I'm so very sorry. But, Jay, I am going to come back. I'm going to keep coming back until you tell me to leave you the hell alone. I'm going to do everything I can to capture your heart this time and do it sincerely, not for you but for me. I want to feel deserving of seeing that sparkle in your eyes when you look at me; I want to feel worthy of being the man that you love."

Khari didn't want to leave. He didn't want her to hear the door close like she had heard over two and a half years ago on that fateful night. He wanted to give her space and time to process so he left that morning but he had promised her that he would be back and he was going to keep that promise.

Feeling overcome with emotion, Jacinda curled up on the sofa and cried for hours. She couldn't stop crying. By the time she had gotten herself together it was well past noon. He grabbed her car keys and ran downstairs to get the food to take to the shelter. It really was going to take her multiple trips in her small car because there was so much food. The guy there said, "Oh man, some guy came by a few hours ago and took all the food. I hope I didn't . . . oh man, I'm so sorry ma'am. I thought he was with you." She reassured him that everything was fine. At that moment, she got a text. It was a picture of a homeless man with a huge plate of food and a ridiculously huge grin on his face. She wanted to text back and say thank you but she didn't, she couldn't. She was terrified that this was just another emotional manipulation, a lie in the grand scheme of life and love.

Over the course of the next few months, Khari worked his way back into Jacinda's life. He invited her to go to counseling with her. They went. Khari was making revelations and disclosures she was 100% certain that the Khari of old wasn't capable of doing. This new man was working on self-acceptance in all facets of his life, embracing the light and the dark within him, he was unselfish, most importantly, he was taking responsibility for his actions and handling constructive criticism well. It was almost impossible for Jacinda to wrap her head around all of it. All her life, she'd been told that men weren't capable of this sort of behavior and here she was, seeing it in front of her eyes.

While they were growing closer week after week, month after month, they still hadn't gotten back together. It was almost as if they were becoming more like brother and sister or best friends than boyfriend and girlfriend. There was no kissing, hand-holding was a no no, there was no cuddling and there wasn't even the discussion of sex. Well, there wasn't the discussion of sex between the two of them. Khari made sure he was pretty open and honest about other lovers in his life. He was acknowledging his very human need for physical intimacy and he was truthful about his affairs. That was a first.

Sex is a human drive and almost all the trouble Khari had gotten into in life was based on his deceitful pursuit and abject denial of it so he had a new attitude. Going forward, he was going to be safe in all his physical and emotional choices. He had a friend, Tina, whose husband had died and she wasn't ready for an emotional relationship but she didn't want to go forgo her sexual self until she was ready either. He didn't lie to her, he didn't pretend she meant the sun, and the moon, and the stars to him. He didn't use her; he simply maintained a connection with her that allowed them both erotic release without feeling used and without all the "taboo" triggers that used to stimulate Khari so much. Khari was completely upfront with Tina that his true love interest was Jacinda and that the minute she was ready for a physical relationship things between them would have to end. The same understanding stood in reverse and Khari was comfortable with it.

As for other lovers in Jacinda's life, she wasn't as forthcoming. She would tell Khari when she had a date and she would answer truthfully when he would ask if the date ended in intimacy or not. She didn't want to share too many more details because she would have had to admit that every time she'd had sex since Khari had come back into her life, she'd fantasized about him. Every time she was aroused, her thoughts would drift back to Khari. In fact, there weren't many instances she could remember since she saw him on that ladder at work that she hadn't fantasized about him when she was masturbating.

Things were at a stalemate for Jacinda and Khari. They had been spending more and more time together for the better part of six or seven months maybe. She'd stopped going to therapy sessions with him because she was convinced he was sincere in his efforts to grown. Khari could spend the night on her sofa any time he wanted and she had an open invitation to spend the night with him but she made it clear that she was more comfortable sleeping in her own bed. Khari knew that it was time to make a move. They had gotten to a place where she could sit a little closer on the sofa without Jacinda breaking out into tears but there was still no romance.

With the weekend cleared of plans, Khari invited Jacinda over for a day of hanging out, nothing special planned, just whatever they wanted. Jacinda jumped at the opportunity. Khari sent her a text early Saturday morning saying, "out runng errnds. will lve bck door open. come ovr whn u wake up." True to her nature on any day that didn't include employment, Jacinda would rise at the crack of noon to greet the day. She showered and put on as many layers as she could to brave the elements and headed over to Khari's.

She parked her car in the driveway behind his truck. She wasn't sure if his truck being there meant he was back from running errands or not. She decided to use the back door per his instructions. Placing her hand on the knob and twisting, the door opened immediately. She took off her coat, hat, scarf, and gloves and hung them on the hooks near the back door. As she came through the sun room and into the kitchen, she saw something she had never seen before. Khari was standing at the stove, fixing God only knows what, wearing just boxer briefs. He smiled at her nervously and said, "Oh, hey, you're here. Good, I'm glad to see you. Did you have lunch yet?"

Jacinda was dumbfounded. "OK, wait a minute. Wait one minute. What's going on here? Why are you not wearing a stitch of clothing other than your underwear in the middle of the afternoon . . . in the kitchen? Help me understand this."

All Khari could do was laugh. He was sure that the sight of someone in their underwear in their own home wouldn't be that strange of a sight for most people but for him it was a very foreign concept. "I wanted to try something new. If it offends you, I can go put on some clothes."

"NO!" Jacinda blurted out almost too quickly, "Uhmmm, I mean, no, that's fine with me as long as you're comfortable, I'm comfortable."

"Good, glad that's settled. You hungry? Lunch is almost ready. You can head downstairs and find something to watch on TV if you want. Jacinda headed downstairs. The fireplace was roaring and the coffee table already had hors d'oeuvres beautifully laid out.

Before she knew what she was saying, Jacinda heard herself mumble, "My baby is an aspiring food stylist," under her breath. It was true in many ways. One of the things they had in common was their love of food. That couldn't be denied. And it was also very true that Khari was her baby. They were a couple; they just hadn't consummated it again. Yet. She settled on a marathon of Spike TV's Deadliest Warrior. They had this thing where they would pick opposing sides and each try to cheer their warrior to victory except if they were both creepy warriors. On those episodes, they just watched for the blood, and guts, and gore. By the time she was settled on the sofa and snacking on some warm, sinfully-delicious bites of something that had been prepared, Khari was bringing a tray with more food than they would ever be able to eat in one night.

"Man, I turned the heat up to 75 and I have the fireplace going and you are still dressed like you are ready to trek over the frozen tundra. I thought by now you'd be out of some of those clothes." Jacinda started looking around for her purse in a frantic search. Khari inquired what she was doing.

"Are you serious? I'm calling the police. OBVIOUSLY, you are some sort of imposter. Who are you and what have you done with the real Khari? You must be some sort of alien who's taken over his body . . . his very gorgeous body," she added slyly. She settled down on the sofa. "I didn't plan on staying so I didn't bring a change of clothing so I'm afraid this is what you get."

"Man, this really isn't working is it? I invited you over here today because I want you to be more comfortable in my home. I want us to see if we are ready to go to the next level. I want you, Jay and I'm trying to take steps towards that. If you don't want me, please just say so because I don't want to make a fool of myself but I don't want to play games with you either. I want to be your man, in every sense of the word and I'm doing my best to show you that. We can take it as slow . . ."

Jacinda silenced him with a soft, small kiss on the lips. "I'm ready to take things to the next level. I'm scared but I'm ready."

Jacinda stood back. She felt awkward but empowered at the same time. First, she took off her sweater and folded it neatly and placed it on a chair. Then came her turtleneck and another tank top underneath. Boots, socks, and jeans came off in succession and finally tights. She stood there, her body molded like a sculpture in sensuality, in her simple teal green bra and matching panties. All Khari could do was stare in awe. He never thought he would get this close to Jacinda again so this was overwhelming. His heart was racing and it felt like it was going to pop out of his chest. He pulled her close and closed his eyes. He waited. He held his breath and he waited.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he felt her soft, full, sensuous lips press gently against his. He opened his mouth slightly and melted into the kiss. She tasted like strawberry wetness, her tongue dancing over his sent shivers down his spine. The soft moans, the sounds of purring that she made ignited his passions that much more. He stopped her and tried to collect his thoughts for a minute. He was aroused and he didn't know how fast or slow she wanted to take things. For Khari, he had been waiting for this since he had the revelation in counseling. He was past ready. He wanted to make love to her on the sofa right then and there. But he respected that he had fucked up so majorly before that he would wait until his lady was comfortable.

They ate lunch, watched TV, and snuggled. Even though it was plenty warm enough, they cuddled under a blanket, their bodies rubbing against each other. Khari wasn't at all shy about letting her feel his arousal; he wanted her to know that she turned him on. Because Jacinda had always been the more comfortable sexually of the two, she was enjoying every second of this erotic play. She gave up the pretense of watching TV and took his hands and guided them to her full breasts. He massaged her full, sensitive breasts which made Jacinda wet immediately. She was in no rush so she just luxuriated in the sensations. She wasn't sure how far things would or could go. Everything seemed to be rushing ahead but happening at the perfect pace at the same time somehow.

As the afternoon wore into the evening, Jacinda asked politely if they could turn off the TV and just spend time together talking. Khari couldn't reach for the remote fast enough. The glow of the fireplace was their only source of illumination and while it provided warmth, it certainly wasn't their only source of heat. In the silence of the night, with just the sounds of the cold winter's wind howling outside to serenade them, they began a journey towards real intimacy.

Khari laid back on the sofa, his head propped up by pillows. Jacinda slid between his legs and rested her back against his stomach. He wrapped his arms and legs around her tightly because he was afraid she was going to slip away. They covered themselves in the blanket and started talking. Jacinda had so many questions; mostly questions about what was real and what had been a lie in their relationship before. Khari was in scary territory. He had to remember that lying was his natural state and he didn't want to fall off the wagon so to speak. His heart was starting to pump faster. He could easily lie, he could easily say what he thought she wanted to hear and she would believe him. He'd done it 1000 times, hell; he'd done it 100 times or more with her. He took a deep breath, thought about the burning sensation he felt when the cold blade of steel pierced his flesh, and he started opening up.

At first, Jacinda asked him questions about little things he had lied about, lies that she had caught him in but that he had vehemently denied. Everything in his body was telling him to lie. But as his adrenaline pumped, he swallowed hard and said, "I know you might never want to talk to me again after I tell you this but it's a chance I'm going to take. Remember that weekend and it was your sister's birthday and I told you that I had to have dinner with my family that weekend? Well, I just wanted to be alone. I didn't want to see you, I didn't want to hang out with your family, I didn't have plans with my family so I lied. I'm sorry."

Jacinda kissed the back of his hand. "I knew it." She paused for a brief second and said, "Thanks for coming clean about that. I really appreciate it."

Khari was waiting for the other shoe to drop, he was waiting for the irrational neck-bobbing monster he was sure was going to attack him to come out and start cursing and screaming. But nothing happened. Jacinda didn't budge. She was still there, between his legs, cuddling and snuggling, and if he wasn't mistaken, she was still aroused. Her nipples were hard as little pebbles beneath her bra and he thought he could detect the faint scent of her wetness. "Go ahead, you can ask me some more. I promise to tell the truth." he said tentatively.

Jacinda fired off more questions and they seemed to get progressively more difficult for Khari to answer but the more he realized that she was not trying to filet him, the more he felt relieved to get everything off his chest. And if he was being honest with himself, there was something making him feel . . . turned on by telling the truth. The more he would reveal, the more Jacinda would kiss and caress his body. He craved her touch. He wanted more. Soon, he was associating telling the truth with pleasurable sensations. Her hands on his thighs, her full, round ass rubbing against his slightly engorged dick, her lips playfully sucking his fingers; Jacinda was rewiring his brain. Khari was in a heightened state of arousal. The more honest he was with Jacinda, the more she would do subtle things to get him more aroused. His brain was re-learning to associate telling the truth with pleasure.

They continued and Jacinda asked about the women he was with after they broke up. She wanted to know details, really intimate details. Khari felt afraid and comfortable at the same time. He kept telling the truth and Jacinda kept listening, calmly, without exploding. At one point, she was touching and caressing him and her hand touched "the scar". Khari froze. It was a reminder to both of them of his past. Jacinda didn't flinch; she just kept asking questions sweetly and gently touching his sensitive spots.