All Comments on 'Torn Lives'

Should of been broken into chapters and posted as a novel on different days. Too long to keep interest in one reading.

Too long, poor grammar and odd/unrealistic dialogue.

What a well developed story. This story needs some editing and proof-reading but otherwise an awesome and believeable story. In deed, you have a talent that if you can find someone to proof read and edit your stories, you have the makings of a superb author. Do not stop writing... just work to develop your style so that we may all benefit from you talent..

I read the entire thing in one sitting.

The amount of spelling, grammar, and punctuation

mistakes is enough to fill up an entire page all on its on.

You mixed up first and third person point of views

past and present narrative viewpoints.

At one point you confused the method of death for

both set's of grand parent's and somewhere around

page 8-9 you screwed up Natasha the mother

accidentally calling her 'Samantha' which made me

stop in WTF moment....

I'm not being mean over all I really like the story.

But re-editing and submitting it would turn this

from just OK to a level of Damn that as good..

I hated it. I gave it a one!!!

I've only read the first page. The grammar is really bugging me....I hope you will revise it. It has potential from what I've read so far. If the content is good, I don't even care if its 100 pages or more. I'll check on it another time...I decided not to rate this yet until you revise it. Anyways, get some help for grammar check next time, it could of been PERFECT.

Hundreds of mistakes and grammatical errors and I still gave you five. Why? Because 1: Son don't have an 11 inch cock 2 : Mom don't have 42dd breasts 3 : The story does have a genuine plot

I only got to page 4 before I gave up. your story had too many deviations and too many grammar errors for me to continue. if you had an editor this story would be very good.

along with the other comments on things both good and bad, I 95 runs north and south on the east coast not idaho.

story telling skills. I'm assuming that your first language is not English which would account for some of the grammatical and language issues that seem to have upset other commenters. Sadly there are many on this site who are too prone to criticise negatively. The story has real merit and embodies strong character development. The pace of action is plausible and the eroticism is realistic. Do please continue to practice your craft but accept the advice of others that a good editor would help remove some of the more common errors. Given the language that you do use I would personally recommend someone familiar with UK English rather than US. Thank you.

I read this story in one sitting. I really enjoyed the story. Yes you had a few grammatical errors. Almost as many as some of your detractors. Dear Anonymous (could of been PERFECT, should have been, could HAVE been PERFECT). While you could use an editor to clean it up, it was still a good story. Thank you.

A very well planed out story, that gave the characters a very charming feel of life.

With the way the story was presented, it allowed the reader to become very sympathetic towards the character Pierce and any of the women he was with.

The sex scenes were written very erotic and descriptive, which made for a very visualized read.

Thanks for the very good story

to many mistakes and to long to follow.Please get an editor and shorten this to just five or six pages of good writing. We might understand the story then.

But full of grammatical errors and you have never worked oilfields in your life! Other than that not a bad story albeit about 6 pages too long.

It is a great story but, just a little to long. You need to use your spell check. I truely loved the story.Keep writing

Great concept and generally a very nice story. it seems you were in a hurry to end it. thats what i feel. Expecting to read a lot more from you. Keep it up and all the best.

Forgot to add,it needed to be condensed and edited.

wow this is about 100 pages if you were to print it its quite the novel

The story was extemely long and not edited very well. Parts/Chapters were drawn out and plodded. Overall storyline was good but it plodded along so slowly I was looking for my bed to take a well deserved nap!

Good narrative, a well-developed, plausible story line and some real character development set this story apart. Unfortunately, some internal inconsistencies and grammar issues pull the reader out from what would be an otherwise immersive, well-told story. I hope that we will see more of your work in the future, as this story shows a lot of promise. I think that you should strongly consider having someone edit your future efforts

Good story, but it needs both proofreading and some structural work. You sometimes switched between first and third person in the same sentence, the beginning seemed fumbling and was actually a bit confusing because you worked back and forth in time without taking your time explaining. He was arrested and placed in some youth facility if I remember it right. Then he suddenly jumps to middle 20s. You could have taken some time explaining a bit more between. Now you got the feeling that you missed a part while reading.

The first parts were actually too short, and some of the parts in this story lacked natural flow between them. Personally I think you missed a part that would give the story more character. A deeper and personal explanation from Natasha's point of view, her grief over the loss over her son because of her actions, her attempts to find him right after he left and also later on, the day she realizes she's probably lost him for ever, how she and her husband discusses the reasons for Pierce's dissaperance. Pierce cold attitude towards Natasha, how does they explain that between the three of them? This would give the story more dept and substance.

I also feel that the end could have more substance and explanation. The cold and silent attitude, the sudden wish for abortion, then suddenly back to her normal self. Sudden acceptance of their relationship etc. It almost seemed like Natasha had a multiple personality there. There were an attempt of an explanation, but I felt that was not enough, and not deep enough to be plausible.

Don't take all this the wrong way. You have a good story, and it's easy to tell you've put a lot of work in it. This is just to try to point out ways to make it better. A good flow in a story makes it easy to read.

-------

John

More words, less commas, more periods. This isn't going to win a Pulitzer Prize... it's porn... 6 commas and long words suck

a 43 year old woman with a 26 year old son who met her husband while in college and was married for 25 years. both sets of grandparents died in plane crashes and also of heart failure and loneliness. Names interchange so freely it is impossible to keep the characters straight. Natasha, Samantha, Clark Fork/Ford, his lawyer the DR., etc., etc., Then there is the grammar, the voice, point of view, tense, and the really strange verbiage.

What a mess!

I tried, really tried to read this, I did. But after having to go back over, and over, and over certain passages to figure out what the #@*^ you meant to say, I gave up and skimmed through the last few pages.

If you elect to write again do us all a favor, chart out the story, use a proof reader to double check your names and time line, and don't use google translate.

found it bit hard to read but enjoyed it alot i liked that mom knew who he was when they first had sex awesome story had alot of info that didnt need to be there but nicely thought out ill read more from you for sure keep up the good work

Just a comment. As a previous author stated, I-95 is a North/South route in the eastern US. I-94's western terminus is in Billings, Montana. You are perhaps referring to I-90 which does go through Idaho.

Re: my previous comment. Perhaps Author was referring to US 95, which is a North/South route in the western US, and does go through Idaho, not too far from Clark Fork?

Good story that started well but went stubbornly cold as the main character at the end. Nothing erotic apart from the badly edited fantasy.

An amazing story! Love it! Thank you so much!

Good: it is nice to read something that takes time to work through. The characters are mostly consistent.

Bad: I'll agree with so many others that I feel English is not your first language and you need a better translator and editor. Name changes of main characters along with incorrect pronouns do throw the reader a curve to navigate. Everyone old dying in plane crashes, really? The ending in 2 pages seems so rushed in comparison to the rest of the story.

Anal, so just another gay story...