Trivial Pursuits Ch. 22

When she reached the firm's office floor, Alessa headed for Judith Macrae's office. The door was open and Macrae motioned her in when she peaked her head around the door frame. "Have a seat," she instructed as she pulled out the paperwork that would be filed once Alessa had spent the two weeks in Seoul and everyone was in agreement of the new placement. As Alessa had hoped, the partners agreed to send their up and coming associate to analyze the Seoul situation and possibly prime her to take the position there.

"And does he know yet?" she asked carefully, her eyes lifting from the papers she was signing.

"I sent an email to those on the Kyohan team after the partner's meeting. Whether or not he's read, I don't know."

Alessa nodded, suddenly not know if Denny knew or not beginning to crawl up her spine like a thousand ants. Just then Macrae's IM chimed. "Speaking of the devil," she said, one corner of her mouth drawing up as she read who it. "Looks like he's on his way."

Just then Alessa's own phone chimed as well, indicating she'd received a text. The two women gazed at each other, Alessa refusing to acknowledge his personal connection to her anymore. Then a knock at the door and Denny was bursting in without waiting to be summoned.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize-" but then he did realize the woman meeting with Macrae was Alessa. Quickly assessing the situation, Denny surmised there was more to his girlfriend's surprising assignment in Seoul than met the eye.

"So it's true? Alessa's going to Seoul for two weeks?"

"Denny, have a seat. Now that you have a few minutes away from your other client, perhaps we can update you with the Seoul situation." When he had done as suggested, though his dangerous and studious gaze didn't leave Alessa, Macrae continued on. "When Alessa was informed of the situation with Simpson—from Mr. Park himself—she requested to replace him."

Denny's expression indicated he understood Alessa was asking to live in Seoul and thereby effectively leave him, and that he didn't like it. "Really?"

"Yes, however I believe the situation needs a different approach, someone on the ground there who can assess the damage, affect a plan to recover publicly if needed, and then assess who could best replace Simpson there. At the moment, I'm only suggesting Alessa go for two weeks on this assignment."

"And why not me? Why not tell me?" he asked crossly, at last taking his gaze from Alessa and turning it to his boss.

"Firstly, you precluded the need to know anything about who the replacement would be when you passed the duties of finding a replacement off to Hanson. Secondly, you are too busy at the moment with other clients to be able to sacrifice the time yourself. And though there were a few others who could have done a competent job, Alessa was the best candidate. Not to mention she seemed to want it more than any of the others."

"Really?" Denny said as he again turned dangerous expression back to Alessa.

"After all, who knows the culture and language as well as she does, not to mention is as a gifted and up-and-coming associate, per your own words?"

"Your turning a pretty argument, counselor, but don't start playing semantics with me. You know very well why I should have been informed my fucking girlfriend was asking to be reassigned fifty-five-hundred miles away." Denny's anger was palpable. "And then you didn't give me the opportunity to put my vote in on this?" He turned his gaze on Alessa. "And you." His tone, though he had actually called her nothing, felt derogatory and condemning. "How long have you have been planning this? Is that what all this has been about? You were just using me?"

His accusation was another insult. She turned on him, her eyes a mixture of indignation, annoyance, and hurt. "You really think you can ask me that?"

Denny stared at her a long moment before grinding out to Macrae that he would like a word in private with his associate. He stood and strode furiously from the room. Alessa looked at Macrae who only tilted her head in a manner that seemed to say she'd better do as asked. Reluctantly, she stood and followed him out of the office and down the hall to one of the smaller conference rooms. Denny held the door open for her and shut it forcefully behind her before flicking a switch to lower all the blinds so no curious eye could look in through the glass walls.

When she had entered, it took her a moment to slowly turn to face him. And when she did, she found him leaning back against the wall, arms folded across his chest, his expression hard. He said nothing.

At last, unnerved beyond the point she could fake her confidence she spoke. "Well, you wanted to see me. What do you want to say?"

"Oh, there are a million things I could say, such as 'what are you thinking?', 'what has gotten into you?', or 'when were you planning on telling me?' But we both know what I'd say. I'd much rather hear what you have to say."

Here it was, the explanation. And just as she opened her mouth to speak, she knew it was too much to hope that it would be complete enough to satisfy him, allowing her to leave peacefully.

"I'm leaving."

"I gathered. Care to explain why?"

"The job in Seoul is a dream come true. Everything I've wanted from my career, at least at this stage."

"So much of a dream it's worth sacrificing everything you have here?"

"I have nothing here," she stated with confidence, though her heart beat so loud it reverberated through her ears. She felt flush.

"I see. Nothing." Denny's jaw clenched and he looked away from her. "Are you back to lying to yourself?" he asked his gaze coming back to hers in challenge.

She swallowed before lifting her chin higher. "I'm not lying. Thank you for your time, for...teaching me everything that you have, but I've realized I'd much rather focus on a career than a relationship."

"Thank you? Teaching you?" Denny repeated in disbelief. He shoved away from the wall and marched toward her. He reached for her but stopped short when she took a stricken step back, her face contorting in anguish. His open hand tightened slowly into a clenched fist before falling to his side.

"I don't understand how you can leave? You're running away again, only this time, you're running from the one person in the world who would do anything to help you, protect you. Haven't I proven myself to you? Fuck's sake, Alessa, I'm in love with you, and you want to leave? For a fucking job?"

"Yes."

"What has happened?" he questioned, truly confused and angry and hurt.

She opened her mouth to tell him the truth, but she restrained herself. "There is enough money in our account to finish with this month's bills. I've already had them change the account of my next deposit. My stuff's gone from your place, so you shouldn't be bothered with any of it. It was enjoyable while it lasted, but it's time we both moved on. Goodbye."

She trembled from the effort of holding herself back, before she stepped past him quickly. She intended to finish it, to leave him, but the strong hand slamming against the door just as she reached for the handle kept her from a quick escape.

Denny's voice was warm against her neck, his breathing harsh. "You love me, too. I know you do. How can you do this to yourself? What will you have when you leave? A twelve-hour-a-day job? That won't make the bad things go away. It won't hold you at night when you're cold and alone. It won't sit with you when you're old and gray. It won't love you back. Don't you see that? Your work won't fulfill you. Not completely. What are you running from?" he asked again. "What are you pursuing? I'm right here. All you will ever need. I'm right here."

"Who the hell are you to decide you are enough for me?"

"Because you are enough for me. We are enough for each other. That's the sort of love this is. It's everything."

Alessa turned to him, her eyes large and shining with unshed tears. But her mouth tightened and a stern, determined look shadowed her expression. "You're wrong. I never said I loved you." Technically, it was true, she had never told him how she felt, but he interpreted it as she'd hoped. Defeated, his hand fell away as he stood erect. She opened the door and quickly walked out, his injured expression more than she could take.

Returning to Macrae's office, she stated she was ready to leave, and taking the last of the senior partner's instructions, along with some unwanted advice, she headed for the elevators and a new life free of Denton Ashbury. It would be better, this new life, she continually reassured herself, forcing images of her new position and lifestyle in Seoul, imagining a new running route and exploring her new city. She would survive happily without him. Life wouldn't pale without him, it would flourish, free of the tether of being someone's girlfriend, someone's lover. Someone's love.

Alessa angrily sighed at herself, shaking her head and determining to put her experiment into love out of her mind. It was nearing three-forty-five, and as her flight was scheduled for a six-thirty departure, she focused on the protocols and procedures of a large international airport, the self-check-ins and security checks. Thankfully, she had no luggage to check as all the items she could immediately do without would be shipped to her in Korea. She arrived at her gate with plenty of time to spare, and after buying a latte, she found a vacant seat and let everything fall out of her mind.

Sitting in the roomy chair and staring out the window to the tarmac, she watched all the many planes coming and going, the distance filled with rumbles and roars as each in turn raced down the runway and lifted off the ground. It was hard to imagine the vast distance one would take her within the hour. So far from him, she didn't know if she would be able to breathe. Weren't airports supposed to be the gateway to fun holidays? Not stations to jettison her into a painful void.

It was then Alessa remembered the envelope Cadence had given her earlier in the week and the command to open only after she'd gotten to the airport. She took out the book she had brought along to read on the flight and thumbed through it to where the envelope was tucked between the pages. She opened it, wondering what her sister would have thought to give her at the last minute. It was one of those large, purple envelopes in which people receive generic occasion cards. She thought it was the one she had given Cadence for her birthday so many months before. Alessa reached in and pulled out a piece of stiff, folded paper.

She recognized it at once. It was from Cadence's sketch book and it was of her and Denny the day of their Muir Woods outing. Her thumb brushed over his rough profile as a pained gasp escaped her.

"It's a good likeness of you." The rough voice next to her startled her.

She blinked back the quickly forming tears. She looked to her right to see an overweight, balding middle-age man with soft brown eyes looking kindly at her.

"Oh, uh, thank you," she struggled to answer.

"And who is that? Your boyfriend? Husband?"

She cleared her throat, scratching away the suddenly swollen feeling that comes just before crying. "Um, yes. Well, no. Not any longer. My ex," she admitted slowly after a rush.

"Oh," the stranger said as though he realized it must still be a sensitive subject. "Well, it's a good little drawing anyway," he commented politely.

Alessa smiled sadly. "Yeah. My sister did it once when we went for a hike. She's quite talented."

"Yes, I can see that she is."

Alessa was nodding, and the tears she had been struggling against still welled in her eyes.

"Oh, here now," the man said watching her distress as he quickly fumbled his jacket pocket for tissue. "Here, you go," he offered the crumpled tissue to her.

"Thanks," she managed to say through a tight voice as she fought hard to not completely lose her composure. Dabbing at her eyes, she felt embarrassed and rushed to apologize. "I'm sorry, it's just been such a hellish time and I don't think I can do it much longer," she slipped, confessing to what was pressing out from deep inside her. And then she broke down completely, sobbing into her hands as the stranger did his awkward best to comfort her. Her life was breaking into a thousand shattered pieces on the floor of the airport.

From some hidden mercy, she was able to eventually regain her control, stemming the tears and quieting her horrendous sobs. The man had pulled more tissue from somewhere and now they all lay crumbled and wet in her hands.

"Thanks," she managed pathetically weak.

He didn't say anything, but she could feel him shake his head in understanding.

She giggled in shame. "I suppose it's not every day some hysterical woman cries on you," she stated, trying to bring a small amount of levity to the mortifying situation.

"Well, I'm married with three daughters. Ages twenty-four, nineteen, and seventeen. I get plenty of tears. They haven't washed me away yet," he offered graciously.

Alessa smiled, turning to look at him sincerely for the first time. He had deep wrinkles developing at the corners of his eyes. His round cheeks red, but his mouth curved somewhat handsomely. He was dressed in a standard blue gingham button-down with khakis and a blue blazer. He didn't look top brass, but he looked as if his wife loved him and tried to steer him in a respectable direction.

"I'm Kurt, by the way." He held out his hand.

Alessa studied it just a second before smiling and shaking it. "Alessa."

"Nice to meet you."

She sighed and smiled more sincerely. "You, too."

"Going to Korea?"

"Yeah. Job transfer. You?"

"Researching. Trying to find an electronic company to make something for me." He detailed a small little invention he had designed and wanted to see if he could find a company that could craft it. If it panned out and worked well, he was considering a global market. He then asked her about her own job, to which she explained her interest in international corporate law, especially Korea and that she worked for Wiles, Mayer and Schecter in San Francisco.

"It sounds like an exciting move. What's been going on that's been so hard? If you don't mind my asking," he questioned carefully.

She took a deep breath, pausing on the precipice, deciding whether to share in depth or skirt quickly around everything. "My mother died at Christmas," she began, letting out the breath and slowly rolling down the hill of admission.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, genuine concern evident in his voice and on his face.

"Thank you."

"I remember when my dad passed. Was tough for us. Thankfully my wife was a pillar. Hope you didn't go it alone. Though you said you had a sister, right?"

"Yeah," she replied, beginning to tread through the complicated truth. "But it wasn't her mother. She's my half-sister. My father and step-mother's daughter."

"Oh, I see. Did you have anyone else?"

Alessa nodded, not wanting to talk about it, but knew she'd already opened the door. "Yeah, Denny. My boyfriend," she said as she held up the drawing.

"That's good. Even if he didn't love you, it's nice that he was able to help out somehow."

"But he did love me," she quickly responded. "Does," she amended. "Did. Why would you think he didn't?"

"Well, he broke up with you."

"No, I broke up with him," she corrected, looking down at the paper.

"May I?" he asked, reaching over and taking the folded drawing from her hands. "Oh, I can see it now. He loved you," he commented, taking in the happy slant of Denny's eyes as he looked at Alessa. She was a little uncomfortable with the way the stranger was studying them. He handed the picture back.

"But you didn't love him?"

"Yes, I do. Did." She sighed. "Do."

Kurt was puzzled a moment. "He cheated on you?"

"What? No."

"Fought all the time?"

"No, not really."

"Nothing in common then?"

"Everything. Except maybe sailing," she replied with a soft, half-smile.

"He couldn't provide for you?"

"He was my supervisor, a junior partner at our law firm."

"Emotionally unavailable?"

"No, he was very...emotional."

"Oh? Not masculine enough?"

Alessa snorted. "Very masculine," she answered with a lascivious grin, before she realized she was bragging a little and stifled her amusement.

"Didn't want to commit?"

"He asked me to move in with him."

"But no spark?"

She sighed in memory as she watched the next plane speed down the runway and reject gravity's hold. "Enough to set the west on fire."

Kurt was silent as he stared at her, a confounded look on his face. "So why are you leaving him?"

"My friend—correction: my ex-friend—says I'm afraid that one day he'll leave me and break my heart," she answered somberly.

"And what do you say?"

Alessa stared out the window, gazing listlessly as far as the eye could see. "I say Lou is generally right about these matters."

"So that's what you're doing to him."

"Hmm?" she asked, failing to keep up with the line of questioning.

"You're afraid of him breaking your heart, so I take it you broke his. And now flying half-way across the world. Even if you do love him. Did. Do," he mocked her lightly, a playful smile on his lips.

"Yeah, I guess," she confessed, feeling slightly heavy as if the void right before drowning was taking over her mind.

"So, in the end, you end up without the man you loved. But now it's your own fault. For no reason other than the fact that you're afraid." Alessa turned to look at the stranger.

She blinked.

"Yeah," she breathed, a flash of light pulling her from the depths of a once inescapable ocean. And just like that, the fear whooshed from her chest, taking off and leaving her heart lighter than air.

Alessa smiled enormously at the stranger. Clarity sparking through her brain. "Yes. That's it exactly. Thank you," she said eagerly, her smile growing impossibly wide. She stood and shook his hand. "Yes. Thank you," she repeated as she grabbed her two carry-ons. "Thank you!" she gushed so loudly several heads turned their way.

"Where are you going?" he called.

"In the right direction!" she yelled over her shoulder as she dashed from the small wing of the large terminal. Her feet carried her as quickly as possible before breaking into a run. She emerged determined from the airport, hailing the nearest curb-side cab. When the man asked where to, she paused, wondering if Denny was back at his place or still at the office. She decided to try the office, as it was still early in the evening and on the way to his condo. If she was wrong, they could simply continue on. She had a flash of thought, wondering how she would feel if she found Denny had been able to continue on with his work after she had broken it off with him.

Alessa tried to sit patiently in the back seat of the cab, fiddling anxiously with the hem of her trench coat, trying desperately to keep her nerves at bay. Though it was rush hour, thankfully she was headed into the heart of the city, and for a time was going against the traffic. As they wound themselves closer to the office, her building nerves felt like bubbles of acid in her stomach. But whatever bits of fear her logical brain seemed to stir up—those little clouds of doubt that asked 'what if he didn't want to forgive her?' 'what if their relationship didn't work out in the end?' or 'what if she damaged her career if she changed her mind and wanted to stay?'—the clarity she finally had about what she wanted and the coupling desire to fight for it completely obliterated any hesitancy. She was determined and nothing would stop her, not even herself.

When they pulled up across from the law firm, she had already decided to send the cab on and take her luggage with her, knowing the best outcome was that Denny was still up in his office and would simply drive the two of them home. If not, she could then call for another taxi to take her on to his condo. Managing her rolling luggage, she made her way swiftly through the lobby. Though she had only left a short few hours ago, it seemed like she was coming home after too many years away. The elevator couldn't seem to carry her quickly enough, but seemed to groan on past the floors between the ground and the offices of the law firm.