Twelve Years and a Wake up

The kids were in the den watching television or playing a game but Heather was nowhere to be found. "She didn't leave, did she?" I thought as I scoured the main floor. I found her in the basement walking around.

"I could make this work," she was saying to herself as I walked up behind her.

"I think this would be a bad idea?"

"And why is that?" turning around and looking right at me now.

"You know, you bringing people home and stuff like that. I think we've done enough to the kids don't you think?"

"So, what you're saying is that you don't want the kids to see their mother slutting around. Is that what you're trying to say?"

"No, I'm not saying that at all, it's just that..."

"Steve, do you date and bring anyone home?"

"No I don't."

"So, still doing it by hand?" She laughed but I didn't and was about ready to throw her ass out the front door. She could see the anger and knew she'd hit a sore spot.

"Steve, I'm sorry, that was callous and uncalled for. I don't know what I was thinking." I said nothing. "Let's go upstairs and talk."

The first beer went down fast as I grabbed another. She lay out what she thought would work, and since there was an outside door to the basement from the garage it would be like a mother in law apartment.

"I don't start until nine so I could get David and Megan off to school and since I'm done by three-thirty they would only be latch-keyed for about twenty five minutes."

"Heather on paper it looks good but there are a lot of other issues not to mention a few emotional ones I might have a problem with." She walked up to the counter.

"You never read it?"

"Couldn't. At first I wanted to rip it up into a million pieces and then burn each piece in the fireplace. Then when I finally settled down I didn't want to read how you put horns on me and how long it had been going on. I guess in the end, I felt it would just make me sad all over again and I couldn't do that to myself again. Believe it or not, I thought up until that night we had a great chance at starting over again, after seeing how we had reconnected after only three months. We were a family again and if it hadn't been for that stupid test we'd still be one. So to answer your question, no I haven't read it." We were both quiet again.

"Well, if you ever decide to, you'll find it interesting reading. You may not like everything but I think you owe me that much after ten years of marriage."

I didn't owe her shit.

"Well, I've got to go. Think about what I've said. I think it would be a win win for the both of us. And if we set up some rules about the other things, I think it just might work." I told her I'd think about it. With a hug and kiss for the kids and a peck on the cheek for me, Heather headed back to her parents house. Me? I sat in the kitchen drinking three more beers fingering that stupid envelope. After finishing number four at about two-fifteen in the morning I ripped it open and started to read it.

She was right about one thing; it was enlightening to say the least. I read the four pages once and then read it a second time, not believing completely what she'd actually written. A lot of it was the "I'm sorry" crap I'd heard before but a couple of the points made me both angry and sad.

Why she thought I had no respect for her was beyond me. She said that she felt like I thought of her as a piece of meat or some play toy to be used whenever I wanted. When she said it got to the point she thought it was just her wifely duty or something she had to do once in a while she knew we were in trouble. True I wanted sex a lot more than she did and at times I pouted when I didn't get any but she was dead fucking wrong on that point. I loved her and taking her to bed brought me that much closer to her. Was the woman on drugs? It was true we did argue about sex, but going from three times a week to twice a month and only when she was hammered brought out the anger in me. My only thought was that she was sexually bored with me and that she never gave me a chance to rectify that situation before giving up on us and started going out on her own.

I knew she'd include our money problems and the way I criticized her spending so much on clothing but I viewed her spending as extreme at times. I bought only what I absolutely needed saving what we had left for either the kids or her. I was getting to feel pretty good about myself at this point. Then came what the letter was truly about.

"You have to believe me when I say that I really thought the baby was yours. I never even knew who the man who I guess got me pregnant was. I was so angry with you that night that when Sue and Pam left me at the table to go dance all I did was down drink after drink. Somewhere between the fifth and sixth drink I found myself in the back seat of his car. How we got there I haven't a clue but the next think I knew Sue was yelling and dragging me out and punching the man at the same time. That night was basically a complete blank. I remember Sue pouring coffee down my throat and yelling at me for something I'd apparently done."

I stopped for a minute, thought back to that night and tried to remember her coming home. I knew she had to have been drinking but she didn't appear to be that drunk when I saw her, but what happened could have been hours earlier.

"I wasn't sure what had happened exactly only that I'd stepped over the line so to speak. When Sue dropped me off, she said not to say anything but to go right to bed. The following morning you looked at me like I was the scum of the earth. You couldn't have known what happened, but the way you looked at me said you did."

"After that night we made it a point to go out. I wanted to show you that I was independent, didn't need your approval and wanted to prove to myself other men found me attractive. Who was I kidding? The only thing the men out there wanted was sex. They could care less what I thought about, what I looked like, only what they could get me to do. The night you threw me the condoms I wasn't meeting anyone other than the girls. When you basically called me a whore my world came crashing down. That night all we did was go to dinner and talk about our husbands and what we said wasn't too flattering."

"You'll notice I didn't go out after that night but I was shocked when you went out. I at first thought you were bluffing but when you left I got concerned. If you thought I was screwing around on you I wasn't sure what you were going to do. When you came home, I was positive you hadn't done anything and was relieved to say the least. I was planning for some fun the following week but when you went out again without saying anything I knew I was in trouble."

"Everything between us went to hell after that. On that Thursday night when I came home in such a good mood it wasn't because of what you thought. I found a huge error that one of the lawyers had made on an important case and was praised up and down for what a good job I'd done. The owner of the firm wrote me out a bonus check for five hundred dollars right there on the spot. I was floating on air when I walked through the door and before I could get a word out of my mouth you called me a cheating slut. I was crushed beyond belief. I hated you for what you said but I didn't have it in me to confront you that night."

I remembered that night and she was right I did hit her with both barrels before she could open her mouth. I was angry but she was also to blame for not saying anything. Would I have listened and or believed her? I guess now we'll never know.

The last page dealt with when she found out she was pregnant. Over and over again she said that she thought it was my baby, "it had to be, I never slept with anyone else.'

I crushed her spirit when I slept with Nancy that first time. She didn't need to ask me if I had, she could smell her on me. She said that she almost left me that following morning.

"Steve, when the first test came up positive I immediately went to the store and bought two more. I couldn't be pregnant." She described the horror of finally realizing that she was pregnant again. "Steve is going to kill me," I kept on saying to myself. We were at the lowest point of our marriage and I had to somehow get everything back to where it was when we were happy.

"You had now written me and our marriage off. We were having horrific arguments but I wasn't going to give up. You were going to have to divorce me, but I wasn't going to give up without a fight."

"I'm not a whore," I kept saying over and over when I finally told you that I was pregnant but you didn't believe me. I wasn't going to give you a divorce and I told you also that no judge would grant you one considering my condition. It was a bluff but it worked. I thought I'd finally lost you until I decided to put my cards all out on the table. I told you that I wanted you and would give you sexually anything you wanted.

"I was in heaven those last three months. We were on our second and third honeymoons all rolled into one. I know you still had doubts but every night I did everything in my power to make those doubts go away. You were mine again or so I stupidly thought."

"When our baby was born I was the happiest woman on the earth. You were with me. We were together again. Brittney looked just like you or I thought she did, maybe I just wanted to see it that way."

"When I opened that envelope I knew what it contained, you were the father of our beautiful baby girl. I cried from eleven o'clock that morning until just after two in the afternoon when my parents finally got there. They asked me questions I didn't have answers for and said that I could come to live with them, not that they wanted me back, but what other choice did they have?"

"You looked so happy that night. I was going to enjoy my family until the very last minute. I loved you so much and now I 'd have to hurt you. I wanted God to take my life before that happened, but he didn't."

"There was no need to wait this time, the words on that paper weren't going to magically change. I didn't care about myself, I only thought about my baby, my two wonderful children and the husband I was going to crush."

"You didn't scream; I would have if the tables had been turned. You still loved me, I could see it in your eyes but I'd failed you. I left; I couldn't look into those eyes any longer. I died in the den that night. My marriage, my life was over."

"David and Megan didn't understand why I couldn't be with them anymore but I figured you'd eventually tell them."

"Sue became my only friend and we both figured out that she'd gotten to me too late that night since it was the one and only time. I would kill that son of a bitch and go to the gallows with a smile on my face if I could ever find that man again. Sadly I can't remember what he even looked like."

"I'm not going to beg for forgiveness or ask anything of you, I gave up that right the night I went out angry at you. You said that you wanted a loving and caring wife and I hope you find what you are looking for because you deserve more than I gave you. I don't want to say goodbye but I have no other choice. I love you, I always will and I do wish you the best. The only thing I ask of you, is that you don't hate me forever, I'm not worth the effort."

It was signed your loving wife Heather. I read it for a third time, the following morning, sober this time.

I got my kids off to school and called into work and took a day of vacation. With more than a few cups of coffee I sat down at the computer and wrote Heather a reply, point by point. I didn't do it in anger but it was time to set the record straight or at least the way I saw it. I didn't give her all the credit for destroying our marriage but she'd been the one to finally pull the plug on a marriage that was already on life support.

"I only gave up after I saw that we were never going to be happy ever again and I deserved to be happy."

After just under four hours, and a full pot of coffee, I was done. I hit enter, leaned back and felt pretty damn good about myself. She wouldn't like a lot of what I'd written but she'd know it was the truth.

My kids and I went out to a Chinese buffet and I ended up eating way too much, I had to get my money's worth didn't I? We had a good evening and just before I went to sleep, I looked at my e-mail, no reply. I had a good nights sleep and went to work refreshed and took on the world by storm.

Two days later I found Heather at the house when I came home from work. The kids were already outside playing and she was waiting in the kitchen for me. I was a little hesitant but when she asked if we could talk I thought why not.

Voices were raised, followed by tears, hugs, and a few kisses is how it went. There was a little laughter but neither of us thought what had happened was funny. We had dinner together and by eleven plans were made, agreements were reached and a new chapter in my life started.

Heather and Brittney moved into the basement the following weekend. I'd fixed up two rooms so she'd have a bedroom and another one for a little sitting room. It was a long shot but financially it was the best move and we both knew it.

The first week I felt like I was wired on caffeine or drugs; I was so hyper and jittery. It got easier after that but it was never the same as it once was.

When she came up one night and shared my bed it was lovely. And when it became more of a casual thing I thought I was in heaven but we were both kidding ourselves. It was nothing more than two people reaching out for something that was now out of our grasps. When the sex stopped, we became what we had been when this nightmare started.

It felt weird the first time Heather went out on a date. I watched her leave and heard the last brick hit the floor. The second and third times I got angry. She was no longer my wife, but it felt like those nights so long ago when she went out with her friends, leaving me to rot. I had no right to feel this way anymore, but I got mad, damn mad.

It might have worked if it weren't for Brittney. She was a beautiful child but a constant reminder that brought me nothing but pain.

When I told Heather that she needed to leave because it wasn't working she cried but at least she didn't beg me to let her stay. I loved her, I probably always would, but I was no longer in love with her, it just wasn't in me any longer.

The kids were angry; I'd expected that. I thought about leaving myself and getting my own apartment but nixed that idea. This was MY home at least until it sold. I wasn't the victim any longer but was now the one empowered and needed to move on with my life.

Nancy dumped me when she said that I was stuck in neutral and wasn't moving forward or backwards. My baggage was preventing me from getting what I truly wanted in life and she wasn't going to wait around for me to finally figure it out.

Heather and I aren't friends, we couldn't be. A friend is someone you trust, who doesn't lie to you and has your best interest at heart; Heather didn't fit that definition.

In retrospect, the house didn't sell and I took it off the market, at least for a while. I have my two kids with me and they still have a wonderful relationship with their mother.

Shortly there after, Heather's mom passed away and her dad basically gave her the house. He retired and is now traveling the country, or running away from the memories he sees every time he closes his eyes.

Heather and I talk but only occasionally and only about our kids. I make it a point to never ask about her love life or Brittney. I don't do it to be rude, but as they say, l needed to leave dead dogs lie where they were. Heather still visits my mother and mom always tells her to give me a little more time and maybe I'll come around. But that will never happen, at least not in my lifetime. But she still hopes.

Nancy and I date every so often but like Heather it's nothing but us giving each other a little sexual release. She tells me I'm great in bed but sometimes I try too hard, whatever that means.

I was angry, then sad, and finally numb before realizing I still had the great American Dream deep down inside me.

Victoria was so unlike me it was scary. She is hot oil and I'm warm water but somehow we blended when we were together. She was a single mother with a little girl, who trusted no one, especially men. She was a friend of a cousin of my next-door neighbor Ken, who I met at a party at his house a couple of months back. Our kids were playing together and David was playing a little too rough for my comfort.

"Settle down boy before someone gets hurt," I yelled reprimanding him after he pushed his sister down.

"Your son?" she asked.

"Yup, but only when he's good," was my quick reply.

"Then he's your wife's'?"

"Nope. He's still mine and no wife."

She was somewhat tall, thin, had long black hair and dark eyes that asked nothing but questions, also telling me to keep my distance. She drank nothing stronger than tea that night and peppered me with question after question before finally leaving with the group she had arrived with. The following week Pam asked what I thought of her.

"She's pretty but a little standoffish," I replied, not thinking much about it. A week later she and her daughter, Karen, were back and with our girls playing together we were thrown together once again.

After the fourth time I asked her out and wasn't totally surprised that she accepted. It wasn't love at first sight and there sure as hell wasn't any lust that night or for a hell of a long time after that. She was calling all the shots.

I didn't have a clue where I stood with her. And since she wasn't opening up to me, I went on a casual date with someone else. Guess who found out about it?

A temper is what she had as she stormed over to my house the following Saturday demanding to know why I cheated on her.

"I didn't cheat on you, I just went out on a date."

"You're just like my ex-husband and every other man, you can't be trusted." That's when all that latent anger that had been pushed down all these months came out.

I ripped her a new asshole and told her she didn't know shit about me and that being a cheater was the last thing in the world I was.

"I don't know what the hell your husband did to you but I'm not going to stand here and be accused of something I'm not." I was on a roll.

"Let me give you a news flash sweetheart, live sucks and sometime you get hurt, but that's just part of living because the alternative is death and I'm no where ready for that." I was hot and was about to turn tail and go back into my house. Ken, Pam and a few other neighbors we now outside listening to our argument. I decided to take another approach.

"Well, now that we got that out of the way, do you want to have dinner with me tonight or not?" That took her by surprise and I wasn't sure if I was going to get my face slapped or a kiss. I got neither, but we did have dinner that night and every weekend there after.

By the fourth month, and after two bottles of wine and yes she did drink, I told her what I was looking for and what I didn't want. With a little liquid courage, I didn't mix words and she finally opened up for the first time. Did we fall into bed and make mad passionate love? It might have happened, if when I stood up I didn't fall back down on the lounger, I guess I'd drunk maybe a little too much. We did lie in bed together, talking, fully dressed before falling asleep, or passing out, is what I probably did.

When I woke us Victoria wasn't there next to me and I figured I'd blown it big time. When I heard the commotions downstairs I found everyone, including her and Karen, in the kitchen eating.

"About time someone got their lazy ass out of bed. Do we have a little head ache this morning?" She smiled trying not to laugh. I needed coffee.