Two Christmases

"Well, why don't you want me to kick him in the ass, Honey?" she asked.

"Because, baby doll, if you're not going to be working, I have to have a job," I said. A sharp intake of air told me that she was suspicious.

"Did you hear that I'm being fired or something, Alan?" she asked. "Have you been talking to John? You didn't believe me?" She was surprised because she thought she knew everything that was going on.

"Liz, shut up," I said. "As you already know, I can be kind of jealous when it comes to you. So I'm thinking that we're going to have to do this in stages. We've already reached stage one. We're dating and even though that thing you did with your foot under the table the other night was technically cheating. I like being with you again. I LOVE looking across the table and seeing you." I'd purposefully emphasized the word love. I knew her devious mind would think it implied a feeling towards her.

"But..." I said.

"But what?" she asked.

"The next step..." I began.

"Alan, I already told you we can have sex whenever and as often as you want," she gushed. "I'm beyond ready I'm..."

"Not even near what I was talking about," I interrupted. "The next step is for us to move back in together. And..."

"Do you mean it Honey," she screamed crazily. "Oh yes, oh yes, hell yes..."

"Can I please finish?" I asked. "And then after that, maybe we could get married again..." There was nothing but silence coming from the phone. Then I heard her crying.

"Elizabeth, are you there?" I asked.

"Yes, Honey," she said. I heard her mumbling, "Thank you Jesus," in the background.

"Anyway," I said. "But we still have a few issues to work out. We haven't rebuilt our trust yet. I want to be with you. Maybe we can have all of the things we planned for but we need to fix a few things. The reason I lost you last time was because you didn't feel like you were valued at work and it left you vulnerable."

"I know Honey and I swear it won't happen again," she said.

"Why won't it?" I asked. "You told me that the people at your job still don't appreciate you. You still don't feel as if you're important or valued. What's the difference?"

"What do you want me to do?" she asked.

"I value you, Liz. I always have. I love you. But I won't share you. I make enough money for both of us. I want you to quit your job and just take care of us. That's all we need; you, me and our kids. We're probably going to have to go to therapy, because every time you get me excited, I see you and John in a motel room flash before my eyes. But I really....more than anything else in the world, want to feel myself inside of you again."

"I want that too, Honey," she said. "More than you could ever know."

"Shit," I said suddenly.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I've had the feeling that some asshole is following me. I'll try to get a picture. I'll bet my God Damned boss has someone checking up on me. If I catch him, I'll just send the pictures to the cops and have them find out who it is."

I knew that I'd lost Elizabeth's PI at the airport. With the new Homeland Security rules the only way for him to get onto the boarding platform would have been to buy a ticket. So, to track me, he'd have had to do it by following the credit card charges and there weren't any.

"Anyway..." I began. "We're only three weeks away from Christmas. If we could work this out maybe we could get remarried on Christmas day."

I could hear the wheels turning inside her head. Liz was ecstatic. I expected her to call off her PI's. As far as she was concerned, the game was over and she'd won.

"Alan, are you listening to me?" she asked.

"Yes, baby, why?" I asked.

"I'm walking into John's office," she said loudly.

"Hi John," she said. "Alan, John is with a customer," she yelled.

"Fuck you and this God damned job, John," she screamed. "I have my husband back. I fucking quit!" I heard the sound of pencils rattling in the background. Liz had knocked some of John's things off of his desk. I heard voices yelling at her and then nothing.

"Are you still there, Honey?" she asked.

"Yes, Baby," I said.

"I'm upstairs now. I'm in the office of John's boss. He's the director. Mr. Mooney...Your first name is Ed right?" she screamed. "Ed, I quit, Merry fucking Christmas." I heard her slam the door and then start laughing.

"How was that, Honey?" she asked. "I feel great and I'm getting married."

"Elizabeth, can I move into the Condo when I get back in town?" I asked.

"Oh yes," she gushed. "Hell yes."

"I'll see you when I get home Sweetie," I said. I laughed, because if my plan worked, Elizabeth would be screwed soon. She'd have no job and no money. I could probably pay her to leave Cassie and me alone. If my plan didn't work there was always Plan B.

I turned off my iPhone and pulled out a cheap burner phone. I called Cassie on her cheap burner phone. "She fell for it Honey," I said. "Cassie, I'm going to have to move back into the condo, with her."

"No you're fucking not," she snapped.

"Honey, I will not have sex with that woman," I said.

"You sound like Bill Clinton," she snapped. "No."

"Cassie..." I said.

"Alan, you're mine," she whined. "I just got you back..."

"Honey, you have to trust me. No sex. I promise," I said.

"Okay," she said grudgingly.

I went inside of the prison. I had to give up my belt and shoes and my phone and a bunch of other things. I was given a lecture on not feeding the animals and not doing anything to draw attention to myself by the desk clerk. "They'll snatch your little ass through those bars and beat the tar out of you faster than you can scream, "Help," he said. "This ain't like no city jail."

I wondered why he was laughing as I walked through the doors until I noticed that everyone else was laughing too. None of the other people visiting an inmate had given up anything. I was only visiting and I couldn't get anywhere near the inmates. They were all on the other side of a sheet of thick bullet proof glass. I could only talk to them through vents in the glass. They'd played a quick game of fuck with the city slicker on me.

I went back through the door and snatched the desk clerk by his throat. I pulled his face next to mine and growled, "Gimme my shit back, now Cletus!" He put down the cell phone that he was making a call on and handed me my belt and shoes back. My shoes seemed to feel like they'd been stretched out and he was rubbing his foot. As I pushed my belt through the loop in my pants, he continued with his call. I put my phone case on my belt and noticed that it felt light.

"Is that my iPhone?" I asked.

"I'm almost done," he said. "Jim Bob, I'm a gonna have ta cut yew loose," he said. I snatched my phone from him and turned it off.

"Cletus, you have a phone right there on the desk," I said.

"I can't make outgoing calls on that one," he said. "I had ta call my brother."

"Why didn't you call him from home?" I asked.

"Sheeyitt, guy," he said. "Da ah look crazy ta yew? My brother is in Iraq. I don't need that on my phone bill."

I walked back through the door and went over to the guy they'd told me I needed to talk to. "Mr. Grubs," I said. "What do you want?"

"Are you another city person, who's come down here ta try ta bargain with me for the fruit of mah loins?" he asked. "How dare you, sir?"

"Okay fuck this," I said.

"That's fine with me," he said. "I already have a firm offer. Them kids will be better off with that woman anyway."

I started laughing. I pulled out my phone and held it up to the window. "Is this the woman?" I asked him. He nodded his head. "You're about to get screwed. In the first place, she doesn't actually want your kids. She just doesn't want Cassie to have them. In the second place, she doesn't have the money."

"Are you allied with Cassandra?" he asked. I nodded.

"Goodbye," he said. "I'll never turn those kids over to her. That bitch ruint my life. She was always telling her sister that she needed to get the fuck away from me. She told Sissy that I wasn't good enough for her. The bitch can't have my kids. I'll stick with the city woman and if she don't come up with the money, I'll take the little fuckers myself."

I didn't say another word.

"You know, I'll be released next week," he said. "And before I turn myself in at the halfway house, I'll be making a trip up to where you're from. The city woman invited me. I'll be picking up my kids just afore Christmas." Then he started laughing as I walked out. I had no idea of how to tell Cassie I'd failed. Plan B was looking more likely all the time. I already knew that the first state they'd look for us in would be Florida. Since my parents lived there, that's where they'd start looking.

I went home and started liquidating my assets. The bank called a halt to it when I started selling my stocks. Since I worked for an investment firm, they thought that there was a chance that I was involved in insider trading. I couldn't sell anything until the investigation was over.

I did go out and buy the kids all of the toys they wanted. I figured that we'd have a great Christmas Eve and then hit the road. I still had a lot of cash in my bank accounts and I figured we'd live on that until I could start selling my stocks and bonds.

The most difficult part was having to live with and pretend to be nice to Liz. But it was funny at the same time. She was cooking and cleaning the condo like a mother bird feathering her nest. Elizabeth was also broke. She had told Josh that he didn't have to pay the PI anymore, so there was no one following me. She'd been trying to seduce me every night too. I kept getting her all worked up and then stopping to the point where I was pretty sure that she'd want to tie me to a chair soon.

A few days before Christmas, I started inviting everyone to our wedding. I invited her parents and her sister and everyone else that we knew. I figured that after what I'd planned for the wedding, Cassie and I would just take off together.

Early on the morning of Christmas Eve, I got a call. I picked up the phone and answered it. "City guy, or can I call ya Alan. I'm coming your way. I should be there the day after Christmas. Your wife couldn't come up with the money so I've decided to give you and Cassie one more chance. I'll sign over mah parental rights to ya for a hundred thousand."

"I can't hear you we have a bad connection," I said. I turned on the recording feature on my phone.

"I said I'll give you them kids for a hundred thousand dollars. Your wife already had the paper work made up. We didn't sign them though. I'll just scratch out her name and put yours in. That's only fifty thousand dollars a kid," he said.

"Who is that on the phone, Alan?" asked Elizabeth. She was always fluttering around me. I think she was trying to be sure that I wasn't trying to contact Cassie.

"It's some guy who says you owe him money," I said. "I'm trying to tell him that I can pay it for you whatever it is that you ordered because we're going to be married again. Will you tell him the deal is still on, and that I'll pay for it for you?"

"The deal is still on and my hubby will pay for it for me," she said into the phone. "I still want it."

Then she left smiling but on her way into the other room she smacked my butt.

"There's one more problem," he said. "I don't actually have the money to come up there. You're going to have to come to me."

"What's your address down there," I asked. He gave me his address. Now I was screwed. I'd planned to leave Elizabeth at the altar which was a really shitty thing to do. I realized then that the flaw in my plan was that if I didn't marry Liz that she'd go ballistic and get the money for the kids from her parents or something and try to take them away from Cassie to be spiteful. I was supposed to marry Elizabeth in under three hours. There was simply no way I could make this work. It was time for plan B.

The wedding was supposed to be at nine p.m. on Christmas Eve. I decided to go and get my family. I'd take them to the house and we'd open the presents and then leave right afterward.

"Alan, do you hear that?" screamed Elizabeth. "It sounds like jingle bells outside of the condo."

There was a knock at the door. "Can you get that?" asked Liz. And don't come in here I'm getting dressed. I went to the bedroom door and opened it.

"It's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding, dummy," she said. Elizabeth was just coming out of the shower she was as naked as a jaybird. She saw me looking. Her breasts were as impressive as ever and she had shaved her pussy bare.

"Why is this bad luck?" I asked.

"Because from the way you're looking at me, you dick is going to be as hard as a rock during the ceremony," she smirked.

"But I intend to have it buried somewhere right afterwards," I said.

"My parents will be there," she squealed. "They like you. You don't want them to think you're only after sex."

"I'll be married," I said. "Married people get to do that."

"Let my sister in and don't come back until the wedding is over," she said. Her nipples were inflating like miniature balloons on the ends of her tits. Her ass was as flat as a plate of water though. I laughed and wondered where her wonder panties were.

I opened the door and saw Sarah. "Alan, are you sure you want to do this?" asked Sarah.

"Oh yeah," I said. She just looked at me and shook her head.

"You deserve better," she said.

I stepped outside of the building and almost ran into him.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked me almost knocking me down. He looked pissed.

"I didn't have a choice Santa," I said.

"Yeah you did," he said. "All you ever had to do was to follow your heart, idiot. I'd have taken care of the rest."

I looked behind the building and saw the sled and those evil assed reindeer pawing at the ground and tearing big chunks of the asphalt of the parking lot up with their hooves.

"How the hell do we get out of this one?" he asked.

"Santa, I need you to get Sarah out of there or wait for her to come out. She and Elizabeth will probably go to the church in different cars. I need three things. I need Sarah and my best friend Josh at my house. I need Cassie at the church...."

I took off running after that.

"What's the third thing?" he asked.

"Ho, ho, ho, Merry fucking Christmas," I yelled as I jumped into the sleigh and slapped the reins against the furry backs of the reindeer. Rudolph turned his head and looked at me. He stared at me with those evil glowing red eyes and blew a puff of smoke out of both nostrils.

"You do not want to fuck with me, right now," I said. "We're going to Georgia, chop-chop."

The sled lifted into the air so fast I had trouble drawing a breath. I was catapulted out of the sled by the wind whistling through it and just barely managed to grab the edge of the back part of it. I pulled myself back into the sled using every ounce of strength I had.

I looked down below and saw the landscape beneath us flashing by at an incredible clip.

"Slow down God damn it," I screamed. I regained the reins and pulled back on them. We were still passing airplanes as we streaked through the sky. I was light headed. I couldn't believe that the sled didn't have seat belts. I was sure there were no airbags.

"Do you even know where we're going?" I asked.

"Santa said that you wanted to go see that fucking scumbag Jared Grubs," said one of the reindeer in the back.

"Santa knew I was going to sleigh jack him?" I asked.

"Dude, Santa knows everything," said another reindeer.

"If you guys can talk, why didn't you ever say anything?" I asked.

"You've never said anything worth answering," spat Rudolph.

"Well, how come you almost fucking killed me with that take off back there?" I asked.

"Because it was funny watching you scream and almost fall out," he asked. "Besides that was your fault. You never specified a speed. If you don't specify a speed, our programming interprets that as meaning maximum possible speed."

"Just shut up," I said.

We landed behind the halfway house where Grubs was staying. I was worried because I didn't see any cars. I'd made a couple of phone calls during the flight. It was tough holding a conversation with the sound of those fucking bells jingling, but I really expected them to be there.

A few minutes after I landed, I was at the door. The sleigh was hidden behind the building. I knocked on the door and Grubs came out onto the porch. "That was fast," he said.

"Private jet," I said. Just as we were about to start talking, a woman came out of the house. She was huge. She was easily the fattest woman I had ever seen and she was as drunk as a skunk.

"Get back inside Tammy Lynn," he said. She started to say something but he raised his hand. "Don't you sass me woman." She immediately shut up and went back inside the house.

"Let's take a walk so we can conclude our business in private," he said.

We walked about fifty yards from the house, which was probably a mistake. As he started to talk, something dropped down from the sky and landed on him. He smelled awful. Surprisingly none of it had even touched me.

"That must've been an eagle," he said.

"Or a reindeer," I laughed.

"So I'm giving you this cashier's check for one hundred thousand dollars," I said loudly.

"I'm not deaf," he said.

"You give me the papers," I said.

"Fine," he said. "But which kid do ya want?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked. "You said a hundred thousand dollars."

"Yeah a hundred thousand dollars apiece," he said. "Look we have a misunderstanding."

"Then give me my fucking check back," I said.

"Tell you what," he said. "I'll throw in the second kid for half price and I'll give you two weeks to come up with the money. I'll sign off on the girl first. What's her name?"

"Becca," I sneered.

"Whatever," he said. "You come back here in two weeks with another fifty K and I'll sign off on the boy. Uhm JG2"

"Who?" I asked.

"The boy," he said. "His name is Jared Grubs the second. You know like that football player RGIII?"

"His name is Timothy," I said.

"Until you pay me my fifty K, he's JG2," he said.

"Fine," I said. Just as he turned to walk back into the house, the area was flooded with spotlights.

"Jared Grubs. You are under arrest for..." began one of the twenty agents coming out of the woods and surrounding us. "Thanks for your help sir," he told me.

"Enjoy prison, Grubs," I smirked. "I have a wedding to go to."

Two minutes later, just before they loaded Grubs into the back of a squad car another huge turd landed on him. "Jeezus, what kind of bird was that?" asked one of the agents.

"It must have been a condor," said another agent.

"It was definitely an ostrich," said another. "They're the biggest living birds."

"But they can't fly, dumbass," said another. "It had to be a Pterodactyl."

Up in the sky, I sat comfortably in the sleigh. "Hey, thanks back there," I said.

"For what?" asked Rudolph.

"You could have splashed me too," I said. "You must like me a little."

"Yeah very little," he quipped.

"Then why didn't you splash me too?" I asked.

"Then we would have had to fly you all the way home with you smelling like reindeer shit," he said.

We flew home at a far more sedate clip. The papers the agent had handed me gave Cassie and me full custody of the kids pending a hearing. I'd already been assured that there'd be no problems if we wanted to adopt them.

As I landed the sleigh just outside of my house, Josh and Sarah came out to meet me. "We're watching the kids," said Sarah. I noticed that Josh had lipstick all over his face.

"I'll bet you are," I said. I would never have seen that one coming. "Keep all of your clothes on and don't let them open anything. We're having a family Christmas, God Damn it."