Unseen Love

Seriously, nothing. I almost lost it when she said it, punctuating the word with a lingering moan.

"Danny, I'm so close," she whimpered. "I'm gonna come."

"Oh my God," I groaned. "You're so hot. Bella, you're so fucking hot. Let me hear you come."

"Tell me what you're doing," she demanded.

She came while I told her how I was stroking myself at the same pace she was moaning, using her breathless little cries as a guide for how fast I was touching myself. The noise that left her mouth was glorious, muffled as I imagined her holding a hand up to her lips. I pictured the way her fingers must have been moving against her clit, how her pussy must have been glistening wet, and groaned. That was for me, she came for me, for some reason this woman was touching herself for me.

It was too much. The leaves of Bella's plant rustled, my stomach muscles tightened, and her voice floated over the railing again.

"I want to hear you come, Danny."

I don't know if what I did was what she wanted to hear. I could barely think, let alone control the groan that left my lips as the pressure building up inside me boiled over. My eyes squeezed shut and I braced myself against the stucco wall instinctively, grunting as I came all over my stomach and hand.

"Fuck," I swore as soon as I could breathe again.

"Yeah," Bella breathed. "That was... wow."

"Wow," I repeated.

"I can't wait to do that in person."

If I hadn't just come, I probably would have gotten hard all over again. Instead, I chuckled, bit back a comment about being fairly certain she wouldn't want to do it in person once she saw me, and focused on catching my breath.

"Danny?" she said.

"Yeah?"

"I'm freezing. I'm gonna go inside. But... thank you. That was..." She trailed off and chuckled. "I don't think amazing is even a good enough word."

"It's pretty good. 19 points if you don't hit a double or triple letter score."

She laughed again. "Good night, smartass."

"Good night, beautiful."

Lockdown Day 28

I was lost in the best way possible. There was the question of whether or not that was a one-time thing, but the next day we did it again. We both seemed to be waiting for it but were dancing around the issue. Some mild flirting led us right back to the same place. We'd been meeting every night since then, Bella on my balcony and me on mine, both of us hoping there was no one in the neighbourhood with binoculars.

But still, I was lost. I couldn't let this get any deeper than it was. We were having fun and we were there for each other during a unique time in the world, but there was no future. Hours were spent building walls. Brick after brick, I protected myself.

A brick. It's okay, Danny. Just enjoy it for now and know what it is. Another brick. It will be something you can remember long after this is over. Another brick. You have a good life. You live in a first world country, you have a roof over your head and a job you love. Going back to the way things were won't be so bad.

I made sure that every day I built a wall of bricks around my heart.

Every night I would hear her laugh or moan my name and my wall of lies would crumble.

My job kept me busy. As the food supply chain became more and more endangered my traffic grew exponentially. Making mad bank was a weird feeling during a pandemic. I started donating to restaurants and caterers that were feeding frontline healthcare workers. When I wasn't working or with Bella, I was talking to the kids.

"Uncle Danny, what time was it when the elephant sat on the clock?"

"I don't know. Half-past five?"

"No. Time to get a new clock! Get it? 'Cause the elephant broke the other one!"

My smile was more for her enthusiasm than the terrible old joke.

"That was really good, Peanut. You know any more?"

"Yeah, but Dad wants to talk to you."

"Okay. Give me a smooch."

She blew an air kiss and Mark came into view.

"Hey, how are things going with Bella?"

"Good. Really good."

"Uh-huh. Okay. Why am I hearing something else in your voice?"

"You're not. Everything is fine."

"I'm sure it is, but I'm your brother. I know you. What's going on?"

"I'm... I'm just thinking about... after. When this is all done and she goes back to work and she meets some guy and... Fuck, Mark, I'm going to have to move. It'll drive me crazy."

"Okay, first things first. That's a dollar in the swear jar."

In spite of myself, I laughed. "Idiot."

"Look, you have fought for absolutely everything in your life, Danny. Why are you just rolling over with this? If you pick up the bat and swing but miss, you at least took a swing. You're just giving up without even trying."

"Mark..." I sighed. "I know you care and I know this is coming from a place of love, but you don't know what it's like."

Shaking his head slightly, he leaned forward. "Yeah, I'm calling bullshit on that. There's no one that hasn't put themselves out there and not gotten hurt. It happens. So what? You pick yourself up and keep moving."

"All right, I guess, but you don't..."

"Danny, you have to stop. The only person that allows that to define you is you."

I looked down. "Okay. I gotta go. We'll..."

"Wait, that wasn't why I wanted to talk. I had an idea."

Listening, I grew a little excited. It wouldn't solve my problems, but it would be fun for now.

Sitting on the balcony after I had made the arrangements, I heard her door slide open.

"Danny?"

"Right here."

I heard the scraping of her chair as she sat down.

"So, I never asked. Are you religious?"

"No. Not anymore."

"Anymore?"

"Yeah. I was when I was a kid."

"Oh. Well, that's okay. Mom's religious enough for the three of us. She out-Catholics the Pope. Which is why I'm here. She made me promise to tell you that she's praying for you. They closed down churches. Did you know that? It feels weird, somehow."

"Yeah. I saw that they're doing masses online."

"Right. So, Mom's been stopping by Cathedral of the Sacred Heart. Hold on. Getting a drink." There was a pause and then she started again. "It's a church in Pueblo. There's this little grotto with a cement bench. She goes there and sits and prays the rosary for Grandma. She sent me some pictures. It really is nice and sort of isolated. Anyway, she told me to tell you how much it means, what you did for her and Grandma, and that she's praying for you."

"That's... Bella, I didn't really do anything. I didn't even use my points."

"Danny, shut up. We've been through this. If it wasn't for you, Mom would be back in Denver. Did I tell you that she can literally see Grandma? She's on the first floor and Mom can see her through a window. It freaked out a nurse and she had security called on her, but they let her sit there now and... and..." Her voice had that full, watery tone again. "I don't know if anyone will ever be able to do something for Mom and Grandma like what you did. Don't ever say that you didn't do anything."

It took me a moment, but I finally replied, "Okay."

We were both mostly quiet as we played a quick game. "Bella, was that your doorbell?"

"I think so. Two minutes."

A minute later I heard her call out.

"What is this? Danny, wine? Cheese? Grapes? French bread? WARM French bread? How did you get this?"

"I know some people. Stay here."

I went and got a matching box from in front of my door and went back.

"Okay, I'm going to send you a link. We're sort of stuck here physically, but we can make our own tour."

"What?"

"The Louvre. They have virtual tours. I thought we could take one together."

"With the bread and the... Danny..."

She was quiet for a minute.

"Bella, you okay?"

"Better than okay. Much better than okay."

I mentally thanked Mark as we started the tour.

Lockdown Day 29

"You're sure about this, Danny?"

"Yeah. If she asks, just tell her the hotel extended the stay for another week."

Alyssa hummed softly. "All right. I'll put the information on there, but they won't renew it until the final day of the stay, okay? Give my best to your friend and her grandma, okay?"

"Will do. Stay safe, Alyssa."

I hung up, hoping against hope that Bella's mom would need the full week my points could get her. The longer she was in Pueblo, the longer her grandma was fighting the virus, the better her chances were of recovering.

She hadn't brought up the fact that the two weeks were almost up, likely because I think Bella was hesitant to ask for any help. There were a few things that Bella hadn't brought up that I was wondering about, actually, but I wasn't willing to risk whatever strange thing we had in order to ask.

I should have knocked on wood when I had that thought because Bella brought it up that afternoon, and despite wondering if or when she would, I wasn't ready for that conversation.

"Damn," she said sullenly. "I was so close."

"Closest one yet," I replied. "You're gonna beat me in no time."

"One way or another," she snorted.

"Hello, 911? I'd like to report this pervert that lives next door to me. Her jokes are completely criminal."

"If I go down, I'm taking you with me. That pun alone was a crime."

"If you go down, I'll gladly go down."

"Oh my God, Danny!"

She dissolved in giggles again and I grinned. We'd never done... whatever it was we were doing during the day. It was a night thing, a darkness thing, not something to mess around with when the sun was shining and people willing to risk exposure were walking their dogs in the park across the street. That didn't mean we couldn't flirt ahead of time, though.

When she stopped giggling, there was a comfortable lull. At least, it was comfortable until I saw the leaves of her plant rustle slightly.

"Can I ask you something serious?"

I swallowed. "Um, sure."

"Promise it won't make things weird?"

"I can't really make that promise."

She sighed. "I know. Okay. Here goes."

She cleared her throat and I realized that whatever it was, it was something she had been considering long enough to have a speech prepared.

"I like this. You know, whatever... this is. I like what we, um, do. At night. I like talking to you and playing games with you even though you're a big old cheater. And honestly, I can't even tell you how much everything you do means to me. You're the nicest person I've ever met, Danny, and you don't even... I try to thank you and you just brush it off like it's nothing, like the fact that you are literally changing my life is just your normal, everyday thing."

There was a "but" coming, I just knew it. But what, I didn't know. But maybe she was tired of flirting, maybe she was over it, maybe she'd finally decided masturbating on our balconies at the same time, while probably the hottest thing I'd ever experienced in my life, was kind of weird.

"But there's just something I don't understand."

"What's that?" I asked.

She hesitated for a moment. "You've never asked what I look like. I mean, not that I... care, at least not all that much. But don't you... you know, want to know? I thought you'd ask me for a picture or something, or for like, my Instagram or something. I mean, I'm pretty sure you know I don't have Facebook, but I still have Instagram and Snapchat and stuff."

I didn't have a response ready. The silence was tense and uncomfortable, two words I didn't really associate with talking to Bella. I didn't like it.

"I mean, I'd love to know what you look like," she eventually said. "If... you know, you want. Or is it... I mean, it's kind of hot, too, not knowing and still fooling around like we do. Like... every day is a blind date. I just can't help but be curious and I think... well, I think you know that this isn't just about... what we do at night."

Still, my mind was blank.

"Danny?" she pleaded after another awkward silence.

"I just never thought about it," I lied. "I mean, I know... you know I think you're beautiful, regardless. I guess yeah, it's just kind of... hot. To not know. I have, um, an active imagination."

"You don't think you'll be disappointed if I'm not what you imagined when we finally see each other?"

My heart dropped. "That's not what I meant, Bella. There's no... it's not possible. Nothing about you could disappoint me."

"Okay." She sounded unconvinced and my heart was racing. "If you're sure. I mean, you know I don't care either, I just... Shit, hold on a sec, my mom is calling."

I waited, mind racing for things to say as she answered her phone.

"Hey, Mom... yeah, just out on the balcony... um, yeah, but you know I don't get good reception in there... oh my God, okay, just a sec..."

The plant leaves rustled and I heard Bella's chair scrape against the balcony.

"Danny? I have to run inside for a bit. Back in a couple of minutes, okay?"

"Sure," I said.

Her balcony door closed. After fifteen minutes, I sent her a message.

Gonna do some work. Let me know when you want to play another game.

Three hours later, she still hadn't responded. That night, I went onto the balcony around our usual time, listening quietly for a door that never opened, and went back inside when the wall she usually shattered remained strong.

Lockdown Day 31

"Look, don't... I don't know, just don't treat me like I'm an idiot, okay? I have some issues, but I'm not an idiot."

He looked at me, frowning. "Danny, what the hell are you talking about?"

There was a small voice from a distance. "Daddy! You said the H word!"

Biting my upper lip, I rolled my eyes. "Can you maybe go to your office or bedroom or something?"

"Yeah, sure. Hold on. Honey, watch the kids for a few minutes?"

I went along for the virtual ride as he picked up his laptop and went somewhere more private. The door echoed as he closed it behind him and sat down on his bed.

"Okay, what are you talking about? I've never thought you were an idiot. Ever."

"Yeah, I just... I don't want you coming down on me, okay?"

"Of course. What's going on, Danny? You're sort of freaking me out."

After sighing, I started unburdening myself. "I honestly don't know what I did. I couldn't think, Mark. Totally blanked. Bella was asking about seeing pictures of each other. She wanted to know what I looked like. My mind started racing and my hands were sweating and I felt like such an idiot, right? 'Cause it's so normal and yet I couldn't even figure out what to say. All I could do is try to think of any photos that would work and I couldn't come up with any, so I'm just silent, like a fucking idiot."

"I'm sure... Okay, I'm not sure, but what are the chances that it wasn't that bad?"

"Mark... She hasn't spoken to me in two days. Because I can't talk to women. I'm almost thirty years old for fucks sake, and I can't talk to women."

"Two days?"

"Yeah, two days."

He sighed. "Right. So, how did this start? She was like, hey send me a photo of you?"

"No, she was careful. She wanted to know if I wondered what she looked like. As if she was curious why I never asked for a picture or anything."

"And you interpreted that as her actually wanting a photo of you? Like, it was some crazy subterfuge thing?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, she's asking about photos out of nowhere?"

"You just said a minute ago that it was normal."

I paused for a second. "Mark, I fucked up and I don't know what to do. I mean, what signal was I sending by going silent like that? It was two minutes, tops. I didn't freeze her out or anything. Right after that, she makes an excuse about her mom calling, but her reception in her apartment sucks. If she really did get a call, she'd take it on the balcony."

"Danny, you're starting to sound paranoid. Maybe just give it some time. If she wanted a photo, send her a photo."

"That's not happening." I couldn't talk for a minute and he waited patiently. "This... Thanks for letting me talk this out. I'm thinking this was for the best. It had to end someday, right? The sooner it's done, the sooner I can move past it. I think I'll just try to close that book and move on."

"Danny... C'mon, man. Don't just give up."

"I'm not giving up, Mark. Just accepting that what is, is. She's the one that sort of... I don't know. Listen, it was fun and that was great and it's all good. I need to spend more time on the site anyway."

There was a choked tone to his voice. "Don't do this, Danny. Just send her a picture. How's it going to hurt? Give her some more time. Send her another delivery or something."

"No, it's better this way. Thanks for listening, Mark. You're a good brother. You... Yeah. Tell the kids I said hi. I'll talk to you later."

"Danny, listen you have to..."

Reaching over, I broke off the video.

Sitting in my underwear and a tank-top, I had a glass filled with ice and three cans of diet cola next to me as I got to work. Hours were spent on the phone getting updates on who was still doing deliveries, who had contactless pick-up and selling ad space. Scratching my head, I realized that I hadn't showered.

Some microwaved burritos let me get right back into working. I was more productive in that one afternoon than I had been in two weeks. The fourth time I rubbed my eyes I realized that I needed to take a break. Lying down on my couch, I closed my eyes and thought of the times as a kid when I'd go out with Dad.

People loved him, but just as importantly, they trusted him. He stood behind the equipment he sold and he treated every customer like a friend. Mark would stay home with Mom while Dad and I would head out at four in the morning. Sometimes it was to a farm because they asked him to come out, sometimes we'd just head out in a random direction and he'd do cold calling. We'd find a farm that hadn't bought anything from him or a customer he hadn't heard from in a while and the chances were 50/50 that within ten minutes, they'd be inviting us to have breakfast with them.

He taught me how to talk to people, how important trust was and why you had to offer quality at a fair price. "Be of service, Danny. Make sure that you offer value and keep your word. If you sell someone something, they are buying both the product and who they think you are. Don't sell yourself cheap."

People loved Dad, and I was one of them. He loved me too, until that fucking summer. Then everything changed.

"Alexa, set volume to four. Alexa, play rain sounds."

Resting my eyes, I listened to the rain and tried not to think of Bella.

Feeling groggy and thirsty, I realized that I had fallen asleep. "Alexa, what time is it?"

"The time is 6:24 PM. Enjoy your evening."

My back was stiff from sleeping on the couch. After stretching, I grabbed a water and went back to work. Another three hours later and I was more than caught up on everything I could think of. I Googled wholesale meat distributors and then did a radius search and created a file of things to follow up on.

Skipping dinner, I snagged a bag of pretzels and some cheddar cheese to munch on while I watched the final season of Orphan Black. If nothing else, the pandemic was helping people binge their favourite shows.

The voice was soft and tremulous. "Danny?"

I turned off the sound.

"Danny?"

Taking a deep breath, I rubbed my temples. It could just be ignored. I was doing fine, really, I was. Productivity was up and I wasn't thinking about her as much. I could pretend that I didn't hear her. Just put on some headphones and watch Tatiana Maslany kick-ass as she played half the cast.

"Danny, I..."

Cursing how fucking weak I was, I went out to the balcony.

It took me a second to say something. "Hey."

"Danny... She... She's gone. Grandma... She passed. Two days ago. I... I can't even..."

My heart broke as she started crying.

Lockdown Day 33

I attended Marisabel Randassol's funeral the same way everyone else did: sitting in front of my computer, watching a Livestream of her family reminiscing and mourning, crying and grieving, laughing and praying.