Unseen Love

They weren't even in the same city. Her celebration of life was held via video conference, shared screens showing photos of a petite woman with bright eyes and a wicked smile as her friends and family spoke about her. I couldn't see how many people were present, but I knew there were a lot. Of all the things that COVID-19 had taken from us, this was one of the most difficult to come to terms with. The virus brought death, and it stole the way we used to grieve.

People are stubborn, though. Marisabel's family couldn't come together at a church or a funeral home, so they came together online to honour a woman like no other.

Bella didn't speak, but her mom did. Her voice was like Bella's, only more gravelly, and she choked on tears throughout her speech.

"Mom would have probably slapped us all for crying so much," she said. A few laughs filtered through the other microphones that weren't muted. "You all know I'm right. She would have said we all had to stop being so selfish and let her go up to heaven to see Dad again. Then she probably would have slapped her thigh and laughed and told someone to bring her a damn margarita because she was too old to be a responsible adult."

Even I laughed at that. I could almost hear the woman in the photograph saying that, despite never having met her.

Once she was done speaking, the microphones were all muted, someone shared their screen with a slideshow cued up, and a song began playing as Marisabel Randassol's life flashed before us in photos.

They were chronological, grainy black-and-white photos turning to dulled sepia turning to slightly-blurry pictures with orange dates printed in the corner. As I watched Marisabel age, I started seeing photos of her with various babies and children. At one point, I was sure I had just seen my first glimpse of Bella, only to see another photo with a girl who could also have been Bella. Marisabel's family was large, and it wasn't exactly clear who was who.

It wasn't clear until a video began to play as part of the slideshow. Laughter could be heard on the recording as Marisabel came around the corner of a hallway in a wheelchair, a girl who I knew would have been about 22 sitting on her lap, giggling a giggle I knew all too well as they motored down the hallway past whoever was recording.

The camera caught her face as they powered by. Bella wasn't anything like what I had imagined. I had imagined a girl who was pretty, who probably had dark hair and brown eyes, whose smile was as bright and bold as her laugh. I had a picture of her in my head that was so clear, and yet so wrong, and when I saw what she actually looked like, I couldn't believe I'd ever imagined anything else.

The girl in the video was perfection. Her hair was long and thick, a strange shade of reddish-blonde that seemed to shimmer in the fluorescent lights of the nursing home hallway. Her eyes sparkled, and though I couldn't really tell what colour they were in the video, they were lively and bright.

Her smile could have ended me. I thought I'd do anything just to hear Bella laugh; I would have done anything and more to see her smile like that at me. Her head was thrown back, joy surrounding her, clutching her grandma's shoulders as they zoomed past. She was more than beautiful. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.

As the video ended and the slideshow moved on to the next photo, my heart sank. I swallowed back what might have been tears, but refused to acknowledge them. She was too beautiful, and I was setting myself up for the broken heart of the millennium.

When the service was done, I typed a quick message of condolence in the virtual guestbook before signing off. I had barely closed the screen when my phone went off.

Can you come to the balcony please?

I didn't bother responding, just went outside.

"Danny?" Bella asked as soon as I opened the door. Her voice was thick and stuffy.

"Hey. How are you holding up?"

"As good as I can," she responded. "Thank you for the cookies and flowers. I don't know how you get all this stuff right now, but I ate literally all of the cookies during the service. They helped."

I chuckled softly. "If they helped, that's all that matters."

There was a sound of cardboard scraping on cardboard before she spoke. "What's St. Lawrence Market?"

"It's sort of a big open market in Old Town. They have lots of food places. Tons. Most have had to close down. I ordered the cookies from one of the bakeries that sells there. Why?"

"It had a little note on the bottom of the box. Thanks for shopping local sort of thing."

"Oh, gotcha."

"Danny, thank you for being there tonight." Her voice was quieter that time. "I know we weren't really there together, but it made me feel a lot better knowing you were on the other side of the wall seeing the same thing I was."

I swallowed hard and nodded, even though she couldn't see me. "Anything I can do to help."

"You do too much to help," she said. "I'm spoiled rotten because of you. Grandma would have told me to find the silver lining in this whole mess, and I have. It's you."

I smiled sadly. "I don't know what to say to that."

"You don't have to say anything," she said. "It's enough that you're here. It means everything to me, especially since I was so horrible after—"

"Bella, I've said it probably twelve times now. You don't need to apologize."

"I was just so upset," she continued. "One moment my mom was telling me she died and suddenly it was two days later and I thought you'd never want to speak to me again."

"That'll never happen. I'll always want to speak to you."

She didn't ask me if I'd seen what she looked like during the service. She didn't bring up the conversation from the other day or the fact that we hadn't really resolved anything. Instead, she started talking, telling me stories about her family and her grandma, laughing as she reminisced. I hung off her every word, my head tilted towards the stucco wall as if being close to it meant I was close to her, and ignored the constricted feeling in my chest that was warning me to stop.

Lockdown Day 41

Once again, we were back. It had been a week since the service and we were flirting and spending time on the balcony at night. There were times when an entire day would go by where I could forget this was going to end. Unlike before, I made a conscious decision to squeeze every drop out of this relationship that I could.

The larger world was going to return to normal sooner rather than later and my small world would return with it.

Wanting to thank him for pushing me to get what I could out of this, I called Mark. I'd been keeping what was between Bella and me private, guarding it like a dog with a bone. It was ours and the memory would be mine, but he deserved to know.

"Hey, man. Can you take the computer somewhere private?"

I was again treated to the jiggly parade march as he maneuvered past children's toys and into his bedroom. Mark hadn't said anything when he answered and was quiet during our tour of their apartment. It was small, so that wasn't a big deal, but it felt a little off.

Sitting on his bed, he looked at the screen. "What's going on?"

"Not much. I just wanted to let you know that things are going really well with Bella. I told you about her grandma, but since then, well, you were right. I decided to just take it for what it was and it's working out. It'll end one day soon, but that day isn't here."

"Great. That it?"

"Yeah, I guess. You pissed off or something?"

He stared at the screen before speaking. "How long are you going to keep doing this?"

"What are you talking about?"

"We got another delivery from one of your farm friends this morning. The kids love it. It had pictures of the animals in the box. Did you know that? Did you set that up?"

"Did I... What's wrong with you? I just sent some food."

"Fuck you, Danny. You can send food from anywhere, but it's always one of these family farms. I fucking get it, okay? I let the farm fail. You'll get your money!"

"Oh, for God's sake. Are we back to this shit again? I don't blame you for the farm, neither did Dad. I don't want any money. It was yours. And smarten the fuck up. I'm sending the food to my niece and nephew, you just benefit from it."

"So, it's just a coincidence that every box, every single one comes from some small farm outside of Toronto and not from Sobeys or Loblaws or someplace?"

"How many grocery stores advertise on my site, Mark? Get over yourself. It was your farm. You and Dad. It failed. I get it, that sucks. You're stuck in the apartment and you can't pass down the farm to the kids, but that's not my fault and I'm not blaming you. What did I lose? Ten percent of a farm I never wanted? Who gives a shit? You don't owe me anything. I wasn't going to take a thing from Dad and you know that."

"Yeah, all right. I gotta go."

"Whatever. Don't ever talk to me about getting past something again, you fucking hypocrite."

He silently shook his head and disconnected.

I told Bella about the conversation that night.

"Wow, so, he thinks you were rubbing it in his face?"

"Apparently."

"What does he do now?"

"He actually does what Dad did. He sells farm equipment. He misses it, Bella. Being out there, owning the land under your feet, seeing all your hard work result in such an amazing bounty. There's nothing quite like it. And they were going to get the kids a dog and they had a huge house and... Well, yeah. It was hard losing all of that."

"Sounds like. It sort of seems like something you'd have been into as well."

"No. That sort of stuff ended for me when I was a kid."

"Really? What happened."

"It... My father and I don't talk anymore. He bankrolled the farm and called it Mark's inheritance, but I was supposed to get 10 percent. I didn't ask for it, I didn't want it and I never acknowledged it."

"That's... harsh. I'm sorry."

"Eh, it's fine."

"Okay. If you want to talk or something, I'm here."

Nodding, it took me a moment to respond. "Thanks."

Timmy's would put a custom note in your delivery order if it was placed through Skip the Dishes. I sent a couple of dozen donuts with some bags of coffee and a note that said, "Suck it up and call me". He did.

"Good donuts."

"Yeah? I thought they sort of sucked."

He laughed. "Okay, they sort of do. Don't say that in public or they'll send in the Mounties after you."

"Mum's the word. We good?"

"Yeah, we're good. Sorry for all that shit."

"Daddy!"

"Okay, I know! A dollar for the swear jar!"

That girl had ears like... I don't know. Something with big ears.

"Don't worry about it. Everyone has their thing."

Two more days went by and I was on the balcony enjoying the sun.

Her plant shifted and I heard the scraping of her chair. "Hey, stranger! You out here?"

"Yup."

"Guess what?"

"What?"

"There was an article that Grandma was in. Mom sent me a link. Marriot has a house publication and they talked about people traveling and stuff during the pandemic. She calls you her handsome hero. They talked about you and your site and linked to your bio. It was pretty cool."

I hesitated before replying. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. Can I be honest? For some reason I pictured you with brown hair."

She saw the photos of me. Bella knew.

"Danny?"

"Yeah. I have to get some stuff done. I'll give you a yell."

Rolling back inside, I closed the door behind me, grateful for what I'd had.

Lockdown Day 45

The voice was quiet, just loud enough that it floated through the open door.

"Danny?"

I closed the balcony door, put my headphones on, and tried not to think about Bella.

Lockdown Day 46

Game? Meet you outside in 5?

I turned my phone to silent, flipped it upside down, and tried not to think about Bella.

When I flipped it back over a few hours later, just one more message had appeared:

You said you'd always want to talk to me.

Lockdown Day 47

"...and I love them, Danny, I swear to God I love them, but if I have to break up one more fight because Felicia insults John's imaginary friend and John retaliates by filling her tea party set with toilet water again, I'm going to lose it. I'm just going to fucking lose it."

"Daddy!"

Mark took a breath, closed his eyes, and picked the laptop up without saying anything. I watched as he walked through the bedroom where he'd been hiding to the bathroom, closed and locked the door, and pushed a set of bath toys on the floor so he could sit on the edge of the tub.

"Five minutes," he mumbled. "Just five minutes of peace. I would sell my soul for five consecutive minutes of peace."

I smirked, unable to muster up a laugh.

"Okay, what's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Danny, cut the shit."

I shrugged at him. "Dunno what to tell you."

Mark looked exasperated, but nodded. "Fine. How's Bella? You haven't mentioned her lately."

"Fine."

He pointed at the camera accusingly. "What happened?"

"Mark, nothing—"

"Come on. I know you."

I shook my head. "I've gotta go."

He was still protesting when I ended the video call. I ignored the repeated video call requests followed by the repeated phone calls followed by the repeated text messages.

She hadn't messaged since the day before. It was for the best. Bella deserved better than my silence, but I couldn't handle the alternative. I couldn't handle her judgement or her pity or her grotesque curiosity. I couldn't handle knowing the sweetest, funniest, most beautiful woman I'd ever met thought differently of me.

It wasn't fair to her, but it was for the best.

I hadn't so much as cracked a window in two days. My apartment was stuffy, the air heavy and hot, and I couldn't stand it anymore. Late in the evening, I pushed the balcony door open just a few inches.

She must have heard it. Even from inside, I saw the plant leaves move.

"Danny?"

It wasn't the soft, inquisitive greeting I was used to. The words were flat, strung with tension, crawling along the floor of the balcony rather than floating over the rail.

"Danny, please."

Her voice broke. I closed the door, swallowed hard, and tried not to think about Bella.

Lockdown Day 48

"Gonna hang up on me again?" Mark's tone wasn't unkind, just rightfully exasperated.

"No," I muttered.

"You look like hell."

"I haven't really slept."

Mark raised his eyebrow. "Just a sec."

The screen bounced as he moved. I watched tiny feet scurry past, the floor blurring as he walked through the apartment, and heard him murmur softly to Daria in the background.

"You owe me," I heard her say teasingly. Her feet moved into the frame.

"I owe you," Mark repeated. There was a quiet moment where I was sure he had kissed her, then he was moving again.

"Okay," he finally said a few moments later. Like the previous day, he was sitting on the edge of the tub in the bathroom. "First off, let me start by asking a very important question."

"Is it 'what the fuck'?"

"No, it's 'what the actual fuck is going on, Danny?'"

"I'm sorry I hung up on you," I said.

"And?"

"And I ignored your calls and texts."

"And?"

I frowned. "And what?"

Mark shrugged. "I dunno, just checking if there was anything else. All right, listen. I'm fucking worried sick about you. Whatever's going on, I need to know, okay? Please?"

I swallowed, nodded, and started talking.

He listened patiently at first, his face blank as I went all the way back and told him about the funeral, about seeing the video of Bella and how I couldn't even explain how gorgeous she was. I told him how we steadfastly avoided talking about what we looked like again, how things were going good but how I knew they weren't going to last.

He started frowning when I told him Bella had seen my photo. The frown remained as I tried to justify my reaction, as I tried to explain that I'd expected things to end but that it had still shocked me.

"I knew it was coming but I wasn't ready," I said sullenly. "It was... I thought I had more time."

"Why didn't you?"

I stared at him. "Was I on mute or something?"

Mark rolled his eyes. "No, I heard everything. What I mean is, why the hell did it have to end? You didn't even give her the chance to explain or react or anything?"

"You know why!" I exclaimed. "Jesus, Mark, I've been saying this since the beginning. I didn't want to deal with another heartbreak. I've had enough of that. It's better to just—"

"—to just end things before they even begin so you don't have to risk getting hurt," he finished. "Is that right? Do I have that right?"

There was slow, creeping anger crawling up my neck. "I know you don't understand. I don't need to hear this again."

"Apparently you do because you're just not getting it." Mark sighed. "Danny, there's nothing wrong with you. Okay? You talk like you're some kind of troll that doesn't deserve to even try getting into a relationship, but you're not. The thing holding you back here isn't that women don't like you or something. Bella isn't the one holding you back, you're doing that all on your own."

"I didn't call you for your judgement," I said icily. "I called because..."

"Because what?"

I tapped my fingers against my thigh. "Because I miss her, I'm angry, and I don't know how to make things go back to normal."

"What's normal? Like how things were before you met Bella?"

"Yeah."

Mark shook his head. "Look, I can't help you with that. What you want to do is hide. What you should do is talk to her. I mean, at the very least. You should probably grovel and beg her to give you another chance, but at least give her an explanation."

"You don't get it."

"You're damn right, I don't get it," Mark said. "I don't understand why, on one hand, you say she's the most beautiful, perfect, amazing woman you've ever met, and on the other, that you're giving up without a fight."

I didn't respond and Mark eventually sighed again.

"You want my advice? Talk to her."

"It's not happening," I said. "But... well, thanks anyway. I'm gonna go. Give the kids a hug from me."

"Danny, come on..."

"I said I wasn't gonna hang up on you, but I'm saying bye now."

There was a look on my brother's face that I didn't recognize. Ignoring it, I said goodbye again and hung up.

Lockdown Day 53

There was a knock on the door and since I'd used their app in the past, a notice on my cell phone a few minutes later. The exact same order that I'd sent to Mark, Daria and the kids was waiting for me. Grabbing it, I went back inside. The note was a kick to the balls.

The kids miss you.

That was it. Short, brutal and to the point.

Putting the order from Tim Horton's on the table, I was determined to let them sit there, going out to the garbage the next time I went. Five minutes later I was eating a maple glazed while monitoring site traffic. Mark, cunning as he was, knew my weakness.

This wasn't supposed to be how things worked. It was supposed to be painful, but a little less so each day. Instead, I kept wondering what Bella was doing, if she had enough food and how her mother was holding up. There was a Bella-shaped hole in my life and I had nothing to fill it with.

The bleeping of the laptop told me I had an incoming call. Switching over to the window, I saw that it was from Mark. Hesitantly, I reached over and clicked "accept".

"Uncle Danny, it's Felicia! Where've you been?"

Seeing her round face so close to the camera just sort of wrecked me.

"I know who you are, honey." I turned and wiped my eyes. "I've just been a little busy. Tell me what you've been up to."

She did. Felicia regaled me with stories until Daria made her stop so her brother could have some time to talk. He had some weird story about a samurai that lived in their walls and only ate chocolate.