View From The Top

I eased into a deep and dreamless sleep and woke up only when I heard Nara's screech, "Ohmygod I'm late!" And saw her running into the bathroom. Later, when I went over to the restaurant for lunch, Kendra gave me a really dirty look. I have to confess that I slinked out of there as soon as I could.

While my personal life was drifting from what seemed tragedy to tragedy, my professional life was going great. In late August I sent in the first draft of my novel. I was using "For the Love of My Brother" as the working title. Feeling like a celebration, I called Nara and invited her for a picnic the following Monday – the day the restaurant was closed. She had a morning class so I picked her up in

I've always thought this was one of the great wonders of America. The beach was thirteen miles long and only had ingress at each end. The beach itself was very wide and generally deserted after going no more than a half-mile from the parking lot at either end of the beach. We parked and walked in about a mile and set up our picnic. I had worn my swimsuit so I walked on down to the beach while Nara changed.

I had enough foresight to bring some suntan lotion. I asked her to put some on my back and then I put some on hers. Her skin was such a creamy softness it was borderline erotic just to touch it. We walked on down to the water and … well, we played for about an hour. We ran in and out of the surf, we chased each other, we looked for shells … we had fun. It was the happiest I could remember being in my life. Nara was laughing almost constantly and seemed to be having a lot of fun.

We stopped and ate the picnic lunch I'd prepared with a nice bottle of Gewürztraminer with it. Yeah, I know she wasn't twenty-one, but she had turned nineteen a few weeks earlier. Truth be told, I hadn't even thought about her age when I put the wine in the basket.

The lunch was great and we were both happy. I left Nara to clean up and I walked down the beach a way to pick up a piece of driftwood I'd seen earlier. I thought it would look nice on her dresser.

When I walked around the large rock that protected our picnic spot I caught Nara in the middle of changing her clothes. She had just taken her suit off and was leaning over to pick up her jeans and tee shirt. I was expecting anything but this. The sun lowering over the ocean cast a long shadow of my body and it was this change of light that alerted her. I was transfixed and staring at her lovely body.

She slowly stood and faced me … her skin turning a shade of red that wasn't from the sun. Her face was slowly transformed with a sultry look I'd never seen on her or any other woman. Her eyes turned a smoky brown and she stood there, staring back at me, proud in her innocence but with the wisdom of all women in her eyes. She didn't move as I slowly advanced, entranced … enchanted with this vision.

We came together is a slow kiss and gently slid down to the beach towel. There was a magic to it that I'd never felt with Ceria. I came to a sudden understanding of what real love – in all its manifestations – was about. We were gentle with each other; we were in turns almost violent.

Later we gathered up the stuff and walked slowly back to the car, each lost in our own thoughts but feeling a connection that we'd never had before.

We started driving back and just before we got to 101 Nara almost idly asked – as she gazed out the window looking at I knew not what – she asked in that gentle voice of hers, "Are you still engaged to Ceria?"

I almost ran off the road with the … sheer unexpectedness of the question. Yes, I had been somewhat remiss in not formally breaking it off with Ceri – but I at least had known it was over for some time. Ceria was still fighting it but I had assumed she knew it was a lost cause.

While I was thinking all this, I wasn't answering Nara. Then it was too late. There was this sudden immeasurable space between us, this gulf, this chasm that separated us. I knew I had totally screwed up but in typical male fashion wasn't exactly sure of what had happened.

When I stopped to let her out, she shot me a quick look full of emotions a man couldn't begin to understand and merely nodded as my life ended.

I got home and poured a hefty snifter of scotch. Thinking like a writer, analyzing myself, I held the glass up to the light. The color was almost ethereal, this amber glow catching the lights in fluid reflections as I swirled the glass. I knew I had done two things that day. One so stupid I could not even lay the blame on myself. The other so wonderful, so magical I knew I could waste my life searching for a moment of an equal coming together of body and soul.

I had to call Ceri right away so that I could go to Nara and set things straight. I was sure of my love now; I had no hesitation. On one hand I had this fear that I had lost a jewel of value above all others; on the other I knew that I had found a love of a depth that could only be described with words poetic.

I called Ceria … and she wasn't home. I left a message that sounded desperate even to me.

"Please call me back right away. Something has happened and I know that we can't be together. I should have said something earlier but … oh, hell! Call me back right away."

LOST, AND FOUND

I slept late the next morning – enough scotch will do that to you. I'd planned on going over to the restaurant when they opened. No big deal, I could go over for lunch.

A little after ten my agent called and said we had to meet with the publisher right away.

"He's ecstatic with the way the book is looking. He wants to have lunch today to talk about some ideas he has for promotion and some signing events."

"Jerry, I can't make it today. I've got something really important to do."

"Eddie, Eddie, this is the only day he has. He flew in to sign some contracts in Palo Alto this morning and wants lunch with you. If you don't show up I don't know what he'll do."

With more than a little resignation I hung up the phone. I picked it up again and called the restaurant. Kendra answered and with some degree of venom in her voice, said, "She's busy right now. Why don't you try some other time?"

Ouch! Okay, I'd fix it later.

Lunch turned into drinks turned into dinner. "For the Love of My Brother" was thought to be a great title and success was on the way. I slept late again the next morning and straggled over to Kendra's just before she closed.

She opened the door with an icy contempt. "Nara's gone! I hope you're happy!"

"Wha … what do you mean she's gone?" I was suddenly feeling that same icy contempt for myself.

"Ceria came over at lunchtime yesterday. When I left they were still talking. When I came in this morning I found a stack of twenties that probably is exactly what she felt she owed me for renting the room. She left a note that said she loved me and was sorry she had to leave this way. She left a note for you. And, Eddie, I've always liked you but please find a new place to eat!"

Well, she couldn't make me feel any worse than I already did. As soon as I was safely in my nest I read Nara's note.

Dear Beloved Eddie,

It is with a sad and broken heart I write this note. When I gave myself to you I thought you loved me the same as I loved, and still love, you. It was such a time of joy for me.

On the way home this thought came into my mind, unasked. I hate myself for even thinking it and dearly wish I hadn't. This image of Ceria throwing her ring at you came to me in a flash … and this awful thought – dare I even think it, let alone ask it? Had you broken off with Ceria, finally, completely?

I didn't have to ask. I knew of the depth of your love when we came together on that beautiful beach. I shall forever keep that memory. I knew you would laugh and call me silly and I would snuggle up and live a life like Cinderella with a love I could treasure always.

When you didn't answer, I knew. I knew, Eddie! You lied to me. No, not with words but with your body. You took something wonderful from me, something precious. You took something that I intended for the one. I thought that was you, Eddie. Then you took my heart and crushed it with your silence when I asked that stupid question.

Eddie, I will always love you … but right now, right now, Eddie, I hate you!

Please don't look for me – I've gone where you will never find me.

Yours forever but never,

Dayanara

I cried over the letter – and hated myself. I tried to think where she might have gone. Later, when I was more rational, I called Ceria.

"I understand you had lunch with Nara yesterday." I was trembling, trying to control myself. She might have some idea where my love had gone.

"Yes, she is the most darling little girl. We had a nice talk and I told her we were going to be married on Valentine's Day. Don't you think that's romantic, Eddie?"

"Ceria," I very carefully, almost gently asked, "Ceria, did she say where she was going?"

"No, I made sure the poor thing understood she wasn't wanted here and suggested she disappear. I tried to give her some money but the fool threw it in my face. She just wasn't of our class, darling."

I gently placed the handset back on the phone. I felt such a crass hatred towards Ceria that if she magically appeared at that moment I would happily, with great joy, crush her into nothingness.

I talked to Kendra. At first she didn't want to talk to me but when I started crying out of frustration, she hugged me and said she hadn't heard anything.

I went to see Pablo at San Quentin. It took me a week to get permission. I finally saw him and asked if he knew where Nara was.

He gave me that thousand-yard prison stare, and answered, "That damned bitch got me into trouble, I'm sure of that. No, I don't know where she is and if I did I wouldn't tell you."

I gave him my own thousand-yard stare and in a dead voice, replied, "If I ever see you again, if you ever go near Nara again, I will kill you. Think about that every day you are here. Think about that every day the rest of your life."

This was said with an implacable coldness. As I stared at him he turned away, fear shadowing his face and I left.

I tried everything over the next six months. I hired a private detective. I had Mike, through one of his SFPD friends, inquire of the Mayagüez police department … nothing.

I lost my appetite for my writing. I couldn't start anything new. "For the Love of My Brother" was a top ten bestseller and I could care less. Oh, I went through the motions. I did the book signing junkets and listened to Jerry when he asked me what I was going to do next.

I drifted; I cared for nothing. I'd stopped running and was putting on weight. My skin was turning a pasty color and I was drinking way too much. It got so bad that when I'd go to Kendra's place she'd just shake her head with tears in her eyes.

I was close to giving up … without consciously thinking about what that meant when I had my epiphany. An old friend had begged me to come down to Sunnyvale for the baptism of his first son. I tried to find a way not to go but he wouldn't hear of it. He had helped me a lot years ago so I finally accepted the inevitable and drove down.

He didn't say anything but he was clearly shocked at my appearance. After the baptism we went for lunch at a Spanish restaurant in Mountain View, the neighboring city. To save money he had ordered a quantity of tapas, the famed Spanish appetizers. Knowing the wines were very expensive he had ordered pitchers of Sangria at each table.

I was pouring my second glass of the sangria when it hit me. That's what Nara's family had made in Mayagüez! I knew it was a slim chance at best but it was the only lead I had. I slipped out and called my travel agent and asked her to set me up for a flight to San Juan the next day and to rent me a car.

As soon as I reasonably could I slipped out and drove home. I called Kendra and told her what I was doing.

Her response was, "Please bring our girl home!"

The flight was an anticlimax. I was totally keyed up and the flight was totally boring. I changed planes in Miami for San Juan. Luggage was quick and my car was ready. I'd reserved a room at the nicer hotel in Mayagüez. It was late when I checked in so I had a light dinner and a couple drinks. I slept poorly that night finally falling into a deep sleep shortly before dawn.

I slept well then; subconsciously knowing I couldn't do anything until the afternoon. When I woke I had a quick lunch and asked the concierge where I could find the famous "Sangria Place."

He gave me the directions with the usual warnings, " … that's not the best part of town so be careful."

Armed with a picture of Nara I'd taken on Mount Tam, I took a cab that let me off right in front of the door of the place – the concierge at the hotel suggested that I shouldn't take my car to that part of town. I walked in not really expecting to see my love and of course, she wasn't there. They were now serving the sangria in plastic cups in addition to the big jugs or the "bring your own bottle" approach. I got a cup and walked around a bit, savoring the characteristic fruity/winy tang of the sangria.

I was trying to get up enough nerve to talk to the large woman waddling around – the one who was clearly in charge and who was always politely referred to as María. The problem was her response was either heaven or hell to me. I couldn't face failure!

Finally, gathering myself and taking out the picture I approached her. "Señora, por favor." I showed her the picture, my need showing in my face, in my very being.

She studied the picture, a smile coming slowly to her face. Clearly, she was looking at one she loved. She looked at me, long and hard, searching for something. Looking in my eyes, looking for … truth? She finally asked me, "Are you Eddie?"

I hesitantly nodded, not knowing what it meant to her.

She grabbed me, seemingly trying to squeeze the life out of my body, "Eddie, Eddie, you came! You finally came."

She drew me a map. She and Nara had a restaurant down the coast about thirty miles, just where the island takes a turn back to the east. María had put up the money and Nara ran it.

"Hijito, it is more than a partnership, she is like a daughter to me. Go to her! You will find happiness but you will find so much more! With a final death defying hug, she bid me, "farewell and bueña suerte."

I took a taxi back to my hotel and drove to the small town of Pedernales down the coast. I stopped in the parking lot at the restaurant and walked inside, anxiously looking for Nara. The woman came to me, a question in her eyes, "Was I to eat with them that night?"

I showed her the picture, and stammering, asked for Nara. She pointed across the road to the beach where a woman sat on a blanket staring west into the setting sun.

"Every day, señor, at sunset she sits there, and looks into the dying sun, searching for her lost love. It is you, I think, that she looks for. Go to her, put the smile back on her face, señor.

I slowly walked out the door, abstractly checking the traffic – to die now would be insanity! – and walked towards the woman sitting on the blanket. As I came closer I saw a smaller shape lying on the blanket next to her.

I come closer, slowly, hesitantly, making no noise in the soft sand. Yet, yet there was a quick alertness about her. A stiffening of the body, a sharpening of her outline in the dying embers of the sun. She slowly started rising, turning as she did, turning and looking at me.

Appearing as in a trance she started walking, step by step, as I stopped and awaited her. Her body lost shape, became ethereal as the tears clouded my vision … until she was there and reached out … and touched my cheek – mystery and knowing in her dark brown eyes.

"Eddie, Eddie, you came. You came for us."

Us? I looked down at the small, now wriggling form on the blanket.

"Yes, us Eddie. We waited, little Eddie and I. We sat here every night when we could, watching the sun slipping into the ocean here but burning brightly for you in California. We waited and my hopes, my prayers faltered … but you are here."

She came into my arms, softly at first then with an almost overwhelming passion, stilled only by the wailing demands of my son.

THE PARTY

I'd sold the houseboat in Sausalito and purchased a house in Dry Creek Valley, west of Healdsburg. It was an older ranch house and came with ten acres of old vine Zinfandel and a contract with a local winery to manage the vineyard and buy the grapes.

Early that morning, on Valentine's Day, we had been married and we drove the two hours to the Spanish Restaurant on Castro Street in Mountain View for the reception dinner. I'd ordered tapas and pitchers of sangria, not to save money – I was writing again, and writing well – but for the showing me the way to find my love.

I drank the sangria that day – a toast for my love and my family – and did the same on all of our anniversaries since and all to come. Nara taught me how to make it properly and we became known throughout the wine country as the place to go for really good sangria.

We would often drive down to the parking area and walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. The first time, Nara was a bit nervous but as her heart was captivated by the view, she came to love it as much as I did.

I often look back on those early days of our love … the pain of loss had faded away, written over with the years of joy. The finest memory of my life was those beautiful stolen hours on the beach at Point Reyes.

I did the right thing in the wrong way.