Walker

"But you never do that! You always date for a while and then sort of ease into it."

"I don't know, Em. I...I...This is all new ground for me. I hardly know anything about him, but I feel like I know everything about him. He feels, good... Right. He needs me. I can feel it"

"God, girl. Listen to yourself. 'He needs you?' Really? You're in love with an old guy you just met who kills people for a living? What the hell?"

"I know. Nuts, right? But I swear, I can't imagine not being with him."

"But, Sam. He's like the most damaged fixer upper you've ever fallen for. Remember your promise? We pinkie swore! Shit! Every time you date one of these broken fixer uppers they break your heart and leave you a wreck. What's that show you watch about how they wrecked their own house? Well, you need that crew to help you rebuild your house from the ground up, every time you do this shit. You can't just go all in like this."

"I know. I know. I tried. I really tried, but when Professor Mitchell did his thing...I just. I just couldn't help it."

"What next?"

"I don't know. He just feels...like home. Or a walk in the country. I just have to be with him."

"Have you ever had a walk in the country? You're a city girl. There's mosquitoes, ticks and stuff."

"Well, no. But I've seen movies." And they both laughed.

"Damn, girl. Never in a million years....Your folks are going to shit, Sam. Can I be there when you tell your dad?"

I laughed. "No way. Some things are better left unsaid.."

"Remember, Sam. If this turns out like the others, I'm here for you. But I hope for both our sakes this story has a fairy tale ending."

'Time for lab. Let's go."

"Fine, but this is a 'to be continued' conversation. Better watch yourself, girl. Please. I'm not sure how well I'll be able to help put all the pieces together again. I'm scared you'll be like humpty dumpty. You know, 'all the kings horses?' And so on?'' She nodded.

"So, Cooh-mander, how was your first day with the REAR Admiral?"

Smiling, "That's not what being the Rear Admiral means, Sam."

"I know. So how was it?"

"Great! I liked all the folks I met. They work well as a team. There are a lot of tech nerds, but also guys like me who have been out there and know the ropes. It'll be fun and I'll be doing something useful."

"Good. In celebration, I bought some steaks, I have baked potatoes in the oven, and this beautiful cake."

"Everything looks great. Pretty adventuresome. You made the cake?"

"No. I went over to Maggie's bakery and bought one. She would have given you a free one for rescuing her purse, but I had to pay. I didn't know what kind you liked. Or how you like your steaks. Or your favorite color? Your birthday? What your family is like? Walker, I don't know anything about you. And I want to. I want to know everything."

"So let's eat, then talk."

They finished dinner, but then as she was cleaning up he came behind her and hugged her. Damn! Love it! She turned and looked into those eyes and kissed him. The embers from last night were starting to flame up again.

"Walker? Could we...could we go to my room and practice our nonverbal communication? Although I can't promise I won't be speaking in tongues and making a bunch of noise."

"Sam..." She put a finger to his lips.

"Nonverbal, remember?" She led him to the back and pulled him next herself on the bed. They kissed. Slow and gentle to start and then she picked up the urgency and grabbed his cock through his pants. She could feel it growing in her hand. She needed to know more about this guy.

"No, Sam, my turn first. Alright, now out of your clothes and let me look at you." She complied. He stared and drank her in. She was starting to feel like she should cover up, but, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, Sam."

He knelt at the end of the bed and pulled her closer, bent his head down and licked her slit. He licked and sucked on her clit and then eased a finger, then a second into her and started stroking. Slowly, gently.

He eased her legs apart for better access as she heard herself groan. Her knees trembled. She pulled his head tight against herself. He took the hint. "Arrrgh! Walker!" He picked up the pace. Fingers moving harder, he sucked on her clit and pulled.

The wave built, plateaued, and then crashed. "Oooooooh! Damn, Walker!" She went limp. He crawled between her legs, entered her and resumed his kissing. Slow at first. Then faster, harder, then finally slamming pelvis to pelvis until she heard him groan and quaking erratically. That was enough for her and she joined him. Riding her own wave as his receded. Perfect.

She pushed him onto his back and moved down the bed, and slid him into her mouth. Nice. Very nice. She gave it a few tentative oral strokes exploring, feeling, learning, then kissed the end of it. Her tongue went out and licked the tip, slid around the head, a few licks underneath and then slid his cock back into her mouth, allowing her tongue to slide along it.

Back and forth. Slow, steady pace. Then a little quicker and deeper. Back to the back of her mouth, but no further. Being such a big old girl meant that she could get most of him in without pushing it down her throat. But she pushed. Damn, she wanted to get the whole thing in. But...she gagged. And again.

So she had to back off, wipe the tears away and go back to work. "I'm sorry, Walker. I really wanted it all the way in, but..."

"It's wonderful. Don't worry about it. Nonverbal remember?" She laughed as he grabbed her head and put her lips back on it. She went to work. Faster, deep. Added her hand to follow her mouth. Then out to lick the sides and the head. Then back to business. She played with his balls, but decided to keep her mouth where it was for this first time.

He grabbed her head again and started thrusting into her mouth. She circled the base of his cock with her thumb and index and then could feel him tense, contract, squirt. Contract and squirt. Each one a little less than the one before. When he relaxed, she continued sucking. Slowly, gently. Coaxing more out, and getting a few more late arrival contractions.

She smiled at him. "OK. Now. Birthday, color, favorite music. Chocolate or vanilla. Tell me everything there is to know about you, Walker. Open The Book of Walker and don't skip a single page. And, yes, I'm going to climb on top and you can stay in me while you talk. Just move enough to keep it hard. Like those yoga guys that do it for hours. And I promise to try to pay attention. But. Of course, I may quit listening at some point and you'll have to read the chapter to me again."

"Once upon a time..."

Six weeks later: "Alright, Sam. Time for us to talk. What the hell is going on with you and the commander. You still look all aglow, but we never have a chance to talk any more. You've gotten all domestic and stuff."

"Emily, it's wonderful, perfect, everything I could ever have imagined...and I am scared to death."

"Why?"

"Because it's too perfect. We are perfectly compatible, never fight, no disagreements, he doesn't get those scary nightmares anymore, or at least not many of them. He's not as quiet, doesn't need as much alone time, doesn't get as anxious or frustrated...All of his PTSD symptoms and emotional issues are better..."

"So, Sam, remember our fixer upper checklist? The broken guy checklist? El numero uno, is he a guy worth caring about? Why?"

"Absolutely. He's smart, funny, makes me laugh, caring, responsible, mature, family oriented, annnnd he's employed."

"So, you've thought about this a little have you?"

"Yup. And...Sex is the best I've ever had...He likes to snuggle, always takes his time. Most guys are always in a big hurry, but not him. Hell, he like wastes time and I have to take the bull by the horns. Em! He'll lie next to me and trace his finger across my skin. Every line and crease. Like he's just exploring memorizing or something. Like he's fascinated."

"For the love of God, Sam. Enough. I'm going to have to call Justin to relieve me."

"Sorry. But he's still holding back. We haven't said I love you's yet and I'm scared that as soon as I do he'll bolt and I'll be left a blubbering mess on the couch. You know, he's like one foot in, one foot out?

"And I know that's part of PTSD and emotional issues and I'm letting him set the pace, but...I feel like I have to start bracing myself for the damage." She started crying and Emily hugged her.

"It'll be alright, Sam. It seems like he loves you too and...And even if it ends, it's been wonderful, hasn't it? You have to remember that."

"Yeah, but just the thought of not being with him, waking up next to him. It's like a piece of me is missing when we're not together. This is great, really great, but also bad, very bad. If he leaves, everything..."

"I know. I know. We'll keep our fingers crossed...and everything else I can think of."

Two weeks later: "Hey, Hon. Welcome home. I made you lasagna. Just the way they do in western North Carolina. Although I'm still not certain I like it as much as New York Italian style." She kissed him. Long, hard. With a hug. He barely responded.

"What's up, Walker. You look troubled. Had a bad day? What can I do to help?"

"Sam. I need to talk to you."

"Sure. Do you want something to drink first?" He shook his head.

"I...well, I.."

"Look, Walker. If you got promoted. Or have to move somewhere. Or go away for a while. It's alright. We can make it work. Walker? You look awful. Here, sit." He remained standing. A strained, pain filled look on his face. He shook his head. She felt the panic building. Her chest was tight. She couldn't breathe. No! No! No!

"I...No. I..."

"Oh, shit, Walker. You've got cancer? Or one of those chemical exposure things from over there. It's alright. I'll help. Whatever you need, Walker."

Impatiently. "No, Sam. Please. I've given it a lot of thought and I think it best..."

"NO! No! No! No! You're breaking up with me! Holy shit! Emily was right! I am so stupid! So fucking stupid!"

Anger and hurt filled her voice as tears started leaking from her eyes. "What, Walker? Am I too pretty? Too smart? Make you laugh too much? Hold you too close when you have your freakin' nightmares? Take care of you too well? Love you too much? And yes. Walker, I love you more than life itself. Is that what scares you? Commitment? What, Walker? What the hell is wrong with me? What did I do wrong?"

Plaintively, "Sam. It's not..."

"No! Let me guess. 'It's not you, it's me.' Bullshit! I don't even want to know. It'll probably just make me fell worse about my self." Sarcastically, "Thanks, Walker. It's been great. I'm going to Emily's. Take as long as you need to find a place and move your stuff out. I'll check after you've left for work so you won't need to see me again."

He reached for her. She pulled away. "No! Please. Don't touch me again." She opened the door then turned. "Walker? You may think you're done with me, but I am going to haunt you. I will be a ghost in your head. In your heart. My memory and what we had together will haunt you. Every night when you go to bed, I'll be there. When you have your nightmares, you'll wish I was there. Years from now, when your curled up in a little ball in your world of nightmares and fear...You'll remember how I helped you with those.

"If you ever find some other woman, she'll hate me. Hate me because every time you look at her, touch her, sleep with her, you'll be comparing her to me. You'll be filled with memories of the times we had. And I hope you're filled with regret and feel a little of the pain you just gave me. The good old knife in the back. A knife in the back of the girl who loved you and only asked for love in return.

"If it's any consolation to you, you'll be in my head haunting me as well. Forever. Please, Walker. Please think about what you're throwing away. A lifetime of happiness. What would your momma say? I think she'd be pretty pissed at you. Have a great life, Walker. Hope I don't see you around." She turned towards the door and gave him a final look. In a sob filled voice she turned back for a moment, "Dammit, Walker. Why?" She turned back, closed the door and left.

Opening the car door, she threw herself in and screamed. Screamed at herself, at Walker, and the cosmos. Then cried. It took an hour, but she started the car, drove to Emily's and banged on the door. No answer, she banged again. "Emily! Pleeeease! Open the door!"

Emily opened the door in her bathrobe, hair a mess. "Sam! What the hell...You look like...Oh, my God. He broke up with you! Oh, no. No, no. Come in, come in. But, uh, give me a minute." She ran to the back and disappeared. Sam heard voices and moments later Justin came out tucking his shirt in.

"Emily! I am so sorry. I'll go. I didn't realize...Justin, I..."

"You. Stay! Don't you dare leave. Justin, was...well, he understands." She gave him a kiss. "I'll call you later." She rushed to Sam, hugged her and pulled her onto the sofa. "So, Sam. What the hell happened?"

"I don't know? He just walked in and out of the blue said 'oh, by the way, we're over.' "

"Did you guys have a fight or something, I mean, Justin and I have fights all the time."

"No! Everything was perfect. You were right. I picked another guy to try and fix and once again, that guy burned my house down. When will I learn? What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing is wrong with you. No, I take that back. You care too much. You want to take men and fix their broken wings. That's great, but then you're always so surprised when the bird you fixed flies away. Sam. What if you looked at the person as they are rather than looking at their potential or how you can make them better?

"The question I always have is why are you so drawn to these men? Are you making up for your own hurts in the past? Are you doing it because it gives you a purpose, a way to avoid thinking about the other decisions in your life? Like, uh, joining the family business in New York? Or because you feel badly about yourself or something you never shared? You're a psych major. I'm sure there's a crap load of stuff written about this."

"Damn, Emily, you're right. I feel I'm not worthy. I don't deserve the best ones. I fix losers because that's all I deserve."

"WHAT? What the hell are you talking about? You're beautiful, smart, kind, friendly, all that shit. Heck, if I were a guy I'd marry you in a second. Why would you think that for a second?"

"Because I was a mistake."

"What? What are you talking about? Why haven't I ever heard about this? Out with it."

"When I was in seventh grade or so a friend of mine and her family all sent off their DNA and found out about their heritage and relatives and stuff. I thought it was cool and brought it up at Thanksgiving dinner. My mom froze, stared at me, went pale as a ghost, with almost no motion shook her head and mouthed the word 'please.'

"I let it drop and she found me after dinner and asked me not to do it or mention it again because the results would be 'a problem.' I said OK and she never mentioned it again. But I knew then and she knew I knew and from that day on she treated me differently.

"I knew why I didn't look like my brother or sister, nothing like them. They look like they're from Ireland with white skin and freckles and I look like I' e been out in the sun or something. So, from that day forward, she treated me like I was a reminder of her shame and she pushed me away. It was always about the other two. I was the odd kid out."

"Shit, Sam. Did your dad know, or your brother and sister?"

"I don't know. They never said anything and never treated me differently, but they were older and I was always the stupid little kid anyway."

"Well, I always knew you were a bitch. I just never thought you were a bastard, too."

"Really? That's what I get? I reach a crossroad in life, hit a new level of personal discovery, bare my soul, and you call me a bastard?" But she laughed and they hugged again.

"Sorry. But your personal discovery should include the fact that you are a wonderful, remarkable woman who deserves only the best. Sam, you deserve and need someone that doesn't need fixing. Someone that will be there to support and fix you. That's the person you need to love. You deserve the best, not the broken.

"Think about it. You're not responsible for your mom's mistake or whatever. If I told you I couldn't go on because my legs were so damn short and my chest was smaller than yours, what would you say? You'd tell me that I was beautiful inside and out and get over it. Right? And I have to say, those guys you've dated? Hell, I wouldn't give you a plug nickel for the bunch of them. They were worthless and a waste of time."

"Why don't you tell me how you really feel about them, Em? Walker too?"

"No, Walker was different. He was great and I liked him a lot. He was wounded, but knew he was wounded and worked at getting better. Didn't really let it show. That was different. But, still, he was older, had baggage and probably just freaked.

"Sam, if you want to fix broken wings, be a nurse or something. I mean you could be a therapist or counselor or something, but I think it would eat you alive. You'd get too involved with everyone of the folks you saw and never be able to leave it at the office.

"But as a nurse, you can fix broken wings all day and feel good about yourself and what you're accomplishing, someone else will take up where you left off and then go home to someone who will make you forget all about what you dealt with."

She pulled back and her eyes lit up. "A nurse? A nurse! That's it! Why didn't I think of that? Emily, you're brilliant! Starting tomorrow I'll figure out what I need to do. I know nothing about being a nurse, but I'm going to find out and then set my own path. Focus on my own issues and read everything I can get my hands on to figure out why I keep doing what I'm doing. Break the cycle."

"And tell your folks?"

She laughed. "Hell no! What, are you nuts? They'd cut off all my money and make me go home." Tear's ran down her cheeks again and she moaned, "But, Em, he was just perfect for me. He's everything I want in a man. Strong, brave, he cares about things. He's the fifth in his family to be in the Navy. I respect him and what he's done. I...I don't see how I'll ever get over him. I feel so empty. A part of me is missing."

"Tonight you just need a good cry. No planning or wondering why. Just cry and get it out. And, Sam, I read somewhere that you should take every chance in life because sometimes things only happen once. You took a chance. And, after all, the little birdie may come to his dumb ass senses, realize what a remarkable person you are and fly back. Don't give up yet. Even unbroken guys are dumbasses, at least sometimes."

Six months later:

"Phew! Midterms are done and it's Spring break. Thanks for meeting me Em. I think I did pretty well. Why don't we get some lunch at Maggie's bakery? I don't get to see you much since I'm not taking any business courses with you.

"Sure. I love her sandwiches. We can catch up, but, Sam? You still seem kind of empty, lost or something. Why don't you go home for the vacation?"

"No, Emily. Really. I'm...well I'm making a little progress. And spend time with my family? No. They'd be about as helpful and understanding as...well, they'd be worthless."

"Then come home with me. I'll show you around the sites."

"Emily, from what you've told me about the sites, that'd take all of about five minutes. No way. And you're seeing the wonderful Justin, aren't you?"

"Well sure. But he has a friend..."

"Thanks but no thanks. And since I dropped my business courses I've added all these nursing prerequisites, I'll be working my ass off to make sure I've got a handle on all of it. Fortunately, I can do a number of them online, you know, like chemistry, microbiology, and pharmacology.