When You're Near Me

Ashley waited patiently with a small smile on her face. But when Jessie refused to say any more, the brunette closed the distance between them, touching the blonde's arm. "Go on."

Krista's voice in the back of Jessie's head and Ashley's tender concern prompted her to continue. "Her name was Tina."

Ashley recognized that name from her talk with Krista.

"She a... we were... she was my first love." Jessie finally revealed. "Well, my only love really. That was nine years ago." The blonde drew comfort from Ashley's fingers gliding over her arm. "Anyway, she had strong feelings about what other people thought."

"Uh huh." Ashley wanted her friend to know she had her undivided attention.

Jessie looked away. "I don't even know why I'm telling you this. I guess cause of what we were talking about the other day. I don't know but... well, I understand where you're coming from and..." Jessie looked determinedly into Ashley's eyes. "I lost her because of what they thought. People who didn't even care about us. They didn't understand what we were feeling or what we had. Yet, their righteousness caused me to lose her." The blonde thought for a long moment before continuing. "That's not right exactly. Tina's concern over what they thought was stronger than her love for me."

Ashley's fingers traveled down the blonde's arm and took Jessie's hand in hers. "I'm sorry."

Jessie attempted to shrug the pain off and her eyes turned downward. "I gave her everything, all my love." The blonde let out a small nervous laugh. "She took it and then she left me and I vowed never to go there again."

"But surely someone... someday..."

The blonde sought and found Ashley's caring eyes. "I've never been one to give my love easily... I mean, not my heart, my soul.... when I do, it's forever."

Trying to understand, Ashley asked. "And you don't think you'll ever find someone else to love?"

"I...I don't know." Jessie's eyes filled with unshed tears as she stared at Ashley.I want to. "I don't know if I ever can."

Nodding, Ashley squeezed her friend's hand before reaching over and pulling the blonde in her arms.

They remained in each others comforting embrace for a long moment and even Makayla recognized a need for silence as they held each other. It was Ashley that broke the stillness. "You still love her?"

Jessie slid back slightly from the embrace. "Yes. No, I'm not in love with her.... anymore."

"I see." Ashley was torn, her emotions propelled inside her like a storm rearing its ugly head. On the one hand, she tried to reconcile how Tina could walk away from the love Jessie offered and yet on the other hand, Ashley understood the deep fear that she had long harbored in what others thought. The same fear Tina held that caused Jessie's heart to break and lock itself away from love again. "I don't know what to say."

"It's okay." Jessie calmed down considerably; having let the floodgate of those hurtful memories spill out unheeded. "Like I said, it was a long time ago."

"But it still affects you today."

Concerned that Ashley would think less of her, Jessie asked. "You think I'm being... I don't know... an idiot or something holding on to it?"

"No." Ashley lifted the blonde's chin and gazed into her moist blue eyes. "No, I don't. It's just the way it is. But... you..." The brunette reconsidered her words. "...we all let things in our past dictate our lives. It's not easy sometimes but we have to find a way to get past them."

"Like your fear of public displays of affection?"

"That and other things." Ashley considered just how much she should disclose. The nearness of Jessie reached deep inside and the courage she drew from the tiger tattoo on the small of her back helped her to find the words she never thought she would reveal to anyone. "I wonder sometimes if I'm strong enough to... not run from love."

Jessie felt the younger woman tremble upon revealing those last words. It was the blonde's turn to hold Ashley. "It's okay."

Feeling extraordinarily vulnerable, Ashley's emotions were running rampant. "I...I...." So overwhelmed, the brunette pulled from the blonde's embrace and walked determinedly across the room and to the front door.

Jessie watched Ashley open the front door and walk though it to the porch. She waited on the couch until she couldn't take it anymore. The blonde followed the path Ashley took and found her friend standing next to the wooden rail.

The blonde walked up behind Ashley. "You okay?"

Nodding, Ashley said. "Yeah, it's just that I never told anyone about that before and I had to step back and collect myself."

"It's okay." Jessie's hands begged to reach out and touch the woman standing in front of her.

With folded arms, Ashley stared at the skyline. She felt the nearness of Jessie behind her and instinctively leaned back against the blonde. Jessie wrapped Ashley in her arms and the brunette felt safe. That feeling unexpectedly spurred the brunette to reveal even more. "For a long time, I denied what I was feeling. You know, my attraction to women." Ashley could feel Jessie nod as their heads touched. "But there was no denying what was going on the first time I kissed a woman."

Jessie's lips brushed against Ashley's ear. "That good, huh?"

An unexpected chill ran down the younger woman's body as Ashley luxuriated in Jessie's touch. "Uh huh."Almost as good as the feeling that just ran through me. "I knew then... well, there was no doubt after that. Oh, I did have one more boyfriend after that but he was my 'I'm not gay' boyfriend. It didn't last."

"They never do." A smiling Jessie agreed, bringing a shared laugh between the two women.

Ashley and Jessie stood silently on the porch together and watched the slow moving clouds play with each other against the afternoon sky. They were content to wallow in each other's nearness, bringing with it a sense of belonging. Their breathing shared an even rhythm as two hearts beat as one. An irresistible force met an indisputable destiny in those quiet moments melding together forever what neither woman had yet to comprehend.

As the day wore on, neither of them spoke of the things they shared that day. It was enough to know that they were there for each other and the nearness comforted them.

Chapter Fifteen

As the Monday evening soccer game started, Jessie was more nervous than Ashley. "You sure about this?"

The brunette threw Jessie a puzzled look. "You're the one that said I was ready to play."

"Only for a little bit." Jessie did a quick study of the opposing team's players before she continued. "Maybe you should wait. You need more practice and..."

Ashley placed a calming hand on her friend's thigh. "Jess, I'll be okay. I promise. I'm just gonna go out there and kick the ball around for a bit to get a feel for it again. Nothing strenuous."

From the bottom of the bleachers, Morgan yelled. "Ashley! Come on. We need ya."

The brunette jumped up but Jessie placed a halting hand on her. "Wait!"

Ashley turned to look at the blonde. "What?"

Knowing there was nothing she could do at this point, Jessie resigned herself to the fact that Ashley was rearing to get in the game. "Be careful."

"But of course." The brunette squeezed Jessie's hand then turned to her brother who gave her a wink for good luck. "Thanks."

Andrew scooted closer to Jessie and nudged her. "She'll be okay."

With a worried look, the blonde nodded. "I know."

Finally, Breanne reached the top of the bleachers and sat down next to Jessie. "This is a big game. The last time they played I don't know how many fights broke out."

Shocked blue eyes popped open upon hearing those words. Jessie's eyes immediately found Ashley and she started to get up but Andrew tugged on her arm. With her eyes still glued to Ashley, she demanded. "What?"

"She can take care of herself." Andrew tried to reassure the blonde then chuckled at a recent memory. "Every time we wrestle she can still beat me four times out of five."

Even that news flash didn't comfort the blonde who determinedly jumped down the bleachers on a direct route to Ashley. When the blonde finally reached her friend, suddenly she was at a loss for words. A bit nervous, Jessie shifted from one foot to the other and that's when Ashley sensed the blonde was standing behind her. "Hey." The brunette closed the distance between them. "You alright?"

Shifting her eyes around the field before they came to rest on the woman before her, Jessie cleared her throat. "I wanted you to know... what I mean is that...well..."

"Yes." Ashley's warm smile calmed Jessie's racing heart.

"Uh, please be careful." The blonde reached for Ashley, lightly brushing her fingers along the younger woman's arm.

"I will." Ashley turned around when Morgan summoned her but immediately returned her attention to Jessie. "I gotta go. I'll be careful, I promise. Besides, you promised me a massage after the game."

That brightened Jessie's mood considerably. Now all she wished for was that the game was over. "Okay." Reluctantly, Jessie returned to her seat between Andrew and Breanne after giving Ashley an impromptu hug.

Silently, Jessie watched the game begin and her eyes never left Ashley. As promised, the young woman didn't play much and there was only one close call where one of the opposing team members hassled the brunette endlessly while Ashley drove the ball down field. Jessie smiled in proud satisfaction as the skilled brunette kicked the ball between her opponent's legs in a nice hand off to one of her teammates.

After the narrow win by Ashley's team, the brunette drove her brother home before returning to her apartment with Jessie. They walked to the front door and for effect the brunette stretched her back muscles. "I could sure use that massage now."

Suspicious of Ashley's intentions, the blonde nodded in an attempt to be playful. "Uh huh. You only played for about ten minutes."

Ashley swung around, not joining in on Jessie's game. "Fine. Then next week I'll play the whole game."

When the brunette turned back around on her heels, Jessie quickly followed Ashley through the front door. "I don't think you're ready for that." The blonde was not particularly pleased with one of the opposing team members who crowded Ashley every time her friend was on the field. "You gotta take it slow."

Ashley spun around again, facing Jessie causing the blonde to come to an abrupt stop. The brunette moved closer and Jessie backed up a bit. Unrelenting, Ashley inched closer and closer until the retreating blonde was backed up against the closed door. Within inches, Ashley playfully demanded in a low Texas twang. "Then make good on your promise."

The nearness of Ashley's lips mesmerized the blonde. Jessie licked her own lips in sweet anticipation before her eyes flickered up only to drown in the pool of Ashley's enchanting green eyes.

Suddenly it turned serious in that moment that time seemed to freeze. Ashley was caught surprised by the overwhelming feelings dwelling up inside her and just as quickly a thought propelled to the forefront of her mind. She backed away. "I'm sorry." Ashley took another step back, realizing she had almost kissed the blonde. "I know that's not what you want."

Confused by the missed opportunity to explore these new and yet familiar feelings raging throughout her mind and body, Jessie willing went along with the brunette. "Yeah, that was a close call. We're better off just being friends."

"Yeah." Ashley agreed but her heart refused to accept that conclusion. With her body primed and ready to explode, Ashley cancelled the promised massage since the touch of Jessie's hands and fingers would surely be the trigger that would set her off. "It's been a long night. I think I'll just go to bed. If you don't mind."

Realizing that giving her friend a massage would probably be too much for the blonde to handle since her body was blazing with a burning fire from Ashley's near kiss, Jessie quickly agreed.

That night both women found very little sleep.

*************************

Over the next two and a half days, Ashley contemplated going to Jessie's game Thursday night. They had talked on the telephone a few times but their conversations were evasive and stilted as they both tried to reconcile what nearly happened between them on Monday night. Ashley didn't want to lose Jessie's friendship by pushing the blonde too far and the brunette also had her own issues to deal with should anything more develop between them.

For Jessie's part, she was a mass of confusion. Her heart had been sealed for so long, Jessie wondered if she could possibly give another woman the love they deserved and commit herself fully. The blonde knew that Ashley deserved no less.

To Jessie's great relief Ashley showed up at her game with Andrew in tow. The young man sensed something was amiss between his sister and her friend after Ashley nearly demanded he accompany her to the game. And when he observed the blonde and his sister's interaction, the astute young man knew something had transpired that both women desperately were avoiding. "So, why don't you two beautiful women take me to get a pizza?"

"Like that's gonna happen." Ashley bumped up against her brother. "You forget we grabbed something on the way over?"

"What can I say? I'm a growing boy." Andrew eyed his sister then winked. He turned to Jessie. "See what I have to put up with?"

"Hey!" Ashley mussed her brother's short hair. "You act like I'm some kind of burden." The brunette reached for her brother and began tickling his stomach. He retaliated the attack with a huge grin on his face.

Jessie smiled at the interplay between brother and sister. She was relieved to have Andrew there as a kind of buffer between them. His presence helped them to regain the unhinged equilibrium that came precariously unbalanced just three nights before. "I'd take you but I promised Jack I'd work tonight."

"They serve sandwiches there, don't they?"

Before Jessie could answer, the brunette glared at her brother. "You're not going, bubba."

Hesitantly, Jessie asked her friend. "What about you?"

"Oh, I..." Ashley's eyes dipped to the ground shyly. "You want me to?"

Andrew rolled his eyes at his sister's reluctance to agree. "What's going on with you two? You're acting all shy around each other like... like..." It suddenly hit Andrew square between the eyes. "Oh!"

Ashley's curious green eyes shot a look at her brother. "Oh what?"

"Oh nothing." Now it was Andrew's turn to pretend nothing was going on. "As a matter of fact, I do need to get home. Lots of homework." He offered as a way of explaining his change of plans. "Jess." The young man hugged the blonde. "Maybe I'll see you next Monday at my game?"

"Sure. I'll be there." She eagerly agreed then looked to Ashley for approval.

"We'll be there." Ashley concurred. "Then you can watch my game. It starts a half hour after yours."

"Cool." Andrew shifted his eyes between the two women in front of him before he announced. "I'll wait by the car."

"Bye." Jessie waved.

An awkward moment passed slowly until Ashley let out a heavy sigh. "So, you gotta work, huh?"

"Yep."

"I see."

Jessie sighed.

"Well..."

"Yeah, well..." The blonde shrugged. "Guess I'll see you there?"

"Yeah, okay." Ashley nodded before quickly heading toward her truck to take her brother home.

On the way home Andrew finally broke the unbearable silence between brother and sister. "You wanna talk about it?"

Somewhat annoyed by her own confused feelings, Ashley said sharply. "Talk about what?"

They rode the rest of the way home without saying a word until Ashley stopped her truck in front of the house. Andrew started to get out but hesitated. "Ashley?"

"Yeah." The brunette kept her eyes straight ahead.

Andrew carefully formulated the words he wanted to express and after one deep breath, he ploughed ahead. "I just want you to know that whatever it is... or whoever it is you want in life, you'll always be my big sister and I'll love you no matter what."

Ashley recognized what her brother was offering her. His unconditional love. Yet, she was not ready to deal with her feelings nor ready to face the consequences of those feelings so she shrugged off his sincere sentiment with a cocky retort. "It's in the contract. You're my bro... you gotta love me."

Andrew recognized what his sister was doing and played along. "Well, if you won't get me fed when I'm hungry, we're gonna have to re-negotiate that contract."

"You're always hungry. That doesn't mean I gotta feed you all the time." Ashley slapped at his arm.

Andrew grinned. "Yeah, but you gotta love me."

With slitted eyes, Ashley glared at her brother before she produced a huge smile. "That I do."

***********************

Jessie's searching blue eyes kept close watch on the front door of the bar. Several customers failed to get her attention so Jack hurried over to serve them. When he found a spare moment, the owner of Belle's whispered to his part time bartender. "Hey? Something on your mind?"

Bringing the blonde out of her musings, Jessie shrugged. "No, why?"

"Your mind's not on your work." Jack guided Jessie toward the office door for a bit of privacy. "You wanna talk about it?"

"About what?" The blonde shook her head. "Between you and Krista..." She never finished that sentence as her complete attention was drawn to the open door where Ashley had just made her appearance.

Noting where the blonde was staring, Jack pursed his lips and rubbed his week old beard. "I see."

"What'd you see?" Krista popped her head around her uncle. She had seen Jack take Jessie aside. Realizing they were in a private discussion, the ash blonde moseyed over to where they were standing.

Jack nodded at the door.

Krista recognized Ashley and observed the brunette's eyes searching then finding the woman standing next to her. Jessie was returning the look to Ashley that blazed a trail across the bar.

"I'll be back." Jessie said to Jack and her best friend, but her eyes never left Ashley.

"Sure you will." Krista called after her friend before an idea perked in her head. "Uncle Jack?"

"Hmm...?" He watched Jessie meet up with Ashley near the door.

"You up for a little fun?" Krista plotted her next move.

"What do you have in mind?" Jack leaned closer.

Across the bar, Ashley smiled when Jessie came to meet her. "Hey."

"Hi." Jessie's eyes gleamed. "You wanna sit at the bar. I saved you a place. And I gotta work... unless you wanna sit with the team."

"Nah." Ashley stepped closer. "The bar sounds good to me."

"Cool." Jessie nearly grabbed the brunette's hand, but at the last moment caught herself from indulging in that desire. "Come on."

Now settled at the bar with a bottle of water in front of her, Ashley watched Jessie wait on the customers. She was content to sit there knowing that the blonde would spend any spare minute she had with her. Ashley waved to Krista before the ash blonde headed toward the jukebox.

Several times a woman would come up to Ashley and ask her to dance. Each time the brunette politely turned them down. Instinctively feeling the blonde's eyes on her whenever a woman did approach her, Ashley found Jessie staring at her. The blonde always displayed a huge smile after the rejected woman finally left. And at that point, the busy bartender stopped what she was doing even if she was in the middle of pouring a drink for a customer and found her way over to Ashley.

"You doing okay?" Jessie grinned.

"Uh huh. I'm fine."

Jessie leaned against the bar. "You sure? Cause I know sometimes it can get annoying with people hanging around and all." The blonde wasn't happy with all the women looking for her friend to be their potential dance partner.