Where I'm Supposed to Be

We were on a plane to Los Angeles when Matteo returned from the lavatory, sat down and a small medicine bottle fell from his pocket. He was sweaty and his hand shook as he tried to pick it up.

I grabbed it for him. "You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. Just a little under the weather. The flu or something. No big deal."

I read the label. "What's Afinitor?"

"Nothing. Just take a couple a day and I'll be fine in seventy-two hours. Seriously, not a problem. Don't mention it to Barb. I don't want her to worry."

"Okay. We'll load you up with vitamin C. That'll kick its ass. Maybe some matzah-ball soup."

He didn't look good, so I was glad to hear it was only the flu. It must have been the tail end, as there was no coughing or sneezing. I hoped he wasn't contagious, we had just spent the day with my kids.

We landed, grabbed our luggage and headed to the parking lot. It felt like there were more people at LAX than lived in Pueblo. I said a small prayer to the traffic gods as Matteo eased us out of the airport in his Caddy. From the times that I'd come to visit him and Barbara, I'd learned to live in dread of the 405.

He kept his eyes on the road as he spoke. "Hungry?"

"Sure."

"Barb's going to have Thai delivered, so how hungry are you?"

"If you're asking if I can pick at some Thai after hitting In and Out, the answer is absolutely."

"Hah! You're definitely my cousin. All right, animal style here we come."

We pulled into his driveway and I sat there for a moment enjoying the view before unbuckling. I loved his place. There was a feeling of comfort there. It was a nice home on a large plot of land. They never had kids, so they didn't need much space in the house. Everything was in pastel colors that suited the stucco.

They had two avocado trees, one in the front and one in the back. For the first few years of visiting them, I almost lept out of my skin when an avocado would fall and land on the metal roof over their enclosed porch. It was almost too perfect to be able to walk into your backyard and pick a lemon from one tree and avocados from another. Twenty minutes later, you were sitting poolside with the world's freshest guacamole.

Barbara met us at the door. A tall, willowy woman, she made their house a home. She was born and raised in California, but she reminded me of the stereotypical southern belle. Barb was graciousness and comfort embodied. After kissing Mateo, she stepped in and hugged me.

She spoke softly into my ear. "I'm so sorry, Anthony. You didn't deserve any of this." Stepping back and holding my shoulders at arm's length, she shook her blond hair from her face and looked into my eyes. "Matteo missed you. So did I. We're happy you're here. If you ever need it, this is home. You're always welcome."

Dropping her hands, she started to turn and then looked back. Looking at me again, she frowned and turned to her husband. "You idiots stopped at In and Out, didn't you?"

Matteo laughed. "Don't blame me. He was crying about it the entire flight. I finally had to give in."

Barb laughed, as well, and we sat and picked while she enjoyed the Pad See Eaw and Satay chicken. We caught up after dinner, Barb asking about my new and once old home. We talked about her mother-in-law, which led to a discussion about the kids. Seeing how that affected me, she tried to switch the conversation to something more mundane, movies, current events and anything vanilla enough to keep the conversation going without pushing me into a maudlin melancholy.

I smiled, appreciating her effort. Matteo had lucked out. He had hit the matrimonial jackpot while my marriage was a losing bet from the start. "It's okay, Barb. It hurts, but there's no sense in running from it. Yeah, she set me up and I spent time in jail. She followed that up with taking most of our assets and the house and getting crazy alimony for the amount I was making. I hate her for that, but the kids? That just wrecked me. Honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm still sort of wandering around in a fog."

"Well, while you and my husband were out having a good time, I was getting some work done. Three DNA kits should be here tomorrow by 5:00. You'll get swabs from the kids and we'll find out if she was lying or not. I spoke to Matteo's lawyer and he recommended a colleague specializing in family law. Have you thought about having your marriage annulled? You have a video of her admitting that it was fraudulent from the start and she was cheating immediately. If it's annulled, her alimony goes away."

Gobsmacked, I stared at her. "That might work? Seriously? That's genius. Yeah, I don't want her getting a dime."

"We'll go see the lawyer tomorrow afternoon. It looks like you have a good shot at an annulment."

Matteo spoke up. "I need to drive down to San Diego in the morning for work. Speaking of work, I need those vases, Anthony. We set you up in the backyard with the same equipment you have at the house. Consider it your shop away from home."

Looking over at him, I saw his left hand shaking on the table near his plate. He pulled it towards him and dropped it on his lap. Raising my eyes to his, he was staring at me and slightly shook his head. I looked at Barb, back to him and said nothing.

We spoke some more before heading to bed. Barb knocked and entered the guest room as I unpacked. She slipped on some pillow cases, not speaking as I wondered about Matteo. I looked up as she started to leave. "Thank you, Barbara. It's... this has been rough. It's good to have family."

Hugging me again, she spoke into my ear. "I'll say it again. You didn't deserve what she did to you. You're a good man, Anthony."

Matteo was gone by the time I woke up. Angry at myself for not speaking to him before he left, I showered and grabbed some Mueslix and soy milk for breakfast. Barb and my cousin fully embraced the California stereotypes. I was hoping we wouldn't be having tofu for dinner.

He was right; a duplicate of all of my equipment was in a new, large shed in their backyard. I worked until about noon when Barbara came in bringing some lemonade. She was wearing a light blue sun-dress with a yellow belt. It went well with her cornsilk hair and blue eyes. I was an embarrassing sweaty mess.

Smiling, she handed me the lemonade. "We need to leave in about forty-five minutes."

"Okay, thanks. I'm gonna finish up here and take another shower."

We met with the lawyer who made sure that I understood that he was just providing me with general information and that if I wanted to move forward, it would have to be with a lawyer in Colorado. He asked lots of questions and I gave him as many answers as I could. He confirmed that my case looked good, which had me happy for the first time in quite a while.

Barb tried to pay, but I refused. I had a good amount of money sitting with Matteo until I needed it. I paid for the consultation and we grabbed some lunch before heading home. It was seafood, not tofu. She noticed my better mood and we sat for almost two hours, talking about old times, laughing at anecdotes from when Matteo and I were kids.

He called to say that he had to stay overnight. I stepped out by the pool when Barb hung up and called him. It went to voice mail. I tried again. It went to voice mail. I sent a text.

Stop fucking around and call me back. Now!

He did. "I was in the john. Can't a guy take a piss? What's up your ass?"

"Okay, sorry. I don't know, I thought you were avoiding me. What... Matteo, what was up with your arm last night?"

"The shaking? It's nothing. Remember when I broke my arm? There was some minor nerve damage and now that I'm getting older, it haunts me a bit when I'm tired. Listen, I appreciate your concern, cuz, but really, it's nothing."

"That's it?"

"That's it. Stop worrying about me and get those vases made."

Barb and I changed into swimsuits and headed out to the pool. She laughed when I jumped as an avocado hit the sheet metal. Embarrassed, I smiled at her, a bit self-conscious. We enjoyed some white wine and the warm water until we started to prune up.

Matteo was back the next morning and I spent the day in the shed, working on his vases. He had an account for me where he was holding most of the money he was paying so the bitch wouldn't be able to get her hands on it. There was about $17,000 in there and I had him get me $5,000 in cash. When I wasn't working, the three of us ate, swam, laughed and talked.

The next day was a repeat and the following I left for my visitation with the kids. I met them at the bitch's house and we spent our time together in my old shop. I had spent a bunch of the money that I got from Matteo on gifts. My children weren't spoiled, and they would have been happy to see me without the presents, but they were kids, so they lost their minds for a little bit.

The latest iPhones were a big hit and my eldest let loose with something that sounded like "Yeet!" I hadn't a clue as to what that meant, but I assumed it was good.

The social worker told me that this would be the last week of supervised visits and my time was increased to four hours every Saturday. It would be reviewed in sixty days and might be increased from there. She always maintained her aura of professionalism, but she was a nice woman. I invariably brought lunch with me for the kids, and I included a sandwich or something for her. She declined the first few times but seemed to warm up to me the more she was exposed to my bitch of an ex-wife.

The social worker watched me carefully as I told the kids I bought us all Ancestry.com memberships. They didn't question me as I got swabs of their DNA. She was frowning when I was done and stopped me when I got to the door of the shop.

"Anything I should be concerned about, Mr. Cuddo?"

"I don't think so. Why would you be concerned? The kids had a great time. I certainly did. Did you see something I didn't?"

"Mr. Cuddo, wouldn't one DNA tracing suffice? You had all three children submit swabs."

"You know how kids are. If one of them has one, they all want one. I see them once a week. I didn't want any jealousy cropping up."

"Uh-huh. Okay. You have my card. Please call me if you think that there is anything we should discuss."

"Will do. Have a great week."

As I got to my car, the bitch came running down the steps from the house.

"Anthony! Don't go." She came up to me as I got in the car and she held the door open. "Listen, I need to get some money. The kids need some clothes and there's a problem with the boiler."

"The boiler is under warranty. Call them to come in. I have the kids for four hours next week. I'll take them shopping."

"Anthony, honey, can't you just help me out here?"

"Look, I'm not your husband anymore and I'm certainly not your friend. You want money? Get off your ass and get a job. You want someone to give you stuff? Find a different sucker. I've got to go. Get your hands off my car."

"What about your children, you selfish prick?"

I sat there, fuming. Looking up from the steering wheel, I glared at her. "My what? Did you say my kids?"

A look of fear crossed her face. I knew her. It wasn't fear of me finding out, it wasn't a fear of being shamed. It was a fear of losing child support. She let go of the car door. I slammed it shut and pulled out.

Sitting at the airport waiting for my flight back to L.A., I called my neighbor, Jennifer Cruz.

"Hey, Jennifer, it's Anthony."

"Hello, stranger. How've you been?"

"Good, thanks. Listen, I'm going to be in L.A. for a while. Can you do me a favor and grab the mail and keep an eye on the house?"

"Sure. Hey, can you make those little glass things that people put in their windows and they refract the light?"

"Yeah, I can do those. Why, you need a few?"

"No, I heard that Council Woman Cumberley is looking to get hundreds made for Christmas for her major donors. I thought that you might get them your info and get your foot in the door."

"Jennifer, how do you find this stuff out?"

"Oh, you know, I keep my ear to the ground."

"Okay, well, thanks for the heads up and watching the place. I'll be back some-time next week."

Mrs. Cruz had a heart of gold, but she was a yenta on steroids. She always knows what's going on in everyone's business.

Barb had held dinner for me and Matteo picked me up. Traffic was much less brutal on the weekends, and we enjoyed the drive.

He spoke as he shifted lanes. "Hey, I need a favor."

"Sure. Name it."

"I need to meet some people about a deal tomorrow night, but Barbara has this charity thing she has to attend. I just found out about the meeting today and I can't get out of it. Can you take her?"

"Yeah, sure, I guess. Is it formal?"

"Yup. You can borrow my tux."

"Tuxedo? Really? That doesn't really seem like my kind of event."

"You'll do fine. Just hang out with Barb and let her do all the talking."

"Okay, sure."

We enjoyed dinner together that evening played some cards and went to bed. I got back to work on the vases the next day, stopped at 2:00 PM, showered and shaved. Matteo's tux fit like it was tailored for me.

My cousin gave me a wolf whistle when I came out of my room. Barbara smacked his shoulder.

"You look very nice, Anthony. You ready to go?"

She was stunning. Wearing a form-fitting red dress, her slender curves were accentuated and put on display. I'd seen her in a bathing suit countless times, but somehow, this was different. I stared for a minute and Matteo laughed.

"That's why you're going, Ant. You get to beat back all the single guys. Feel free to bring a club."

"Sorry. That was embarrassing. Barbara, you look amazing."

She blushed, kissed her husband and we left. It took us forty-five minutes to get there. I kept looking over at Barb and feeling guilty. It had been a long, long time since I had been with a woman and I clearly needed to change that ASAP.

It was certainly an upscale event and I was grateful I hadn't worn one of my suits. I noticed the looks that Barbara garnered as we entered, and then again from the others at our table as we sat down. Jealousy, pride, and shame fought a pitched battle in my soul and there was no clear winner. We introduced ourselves to the people at our table, ordered our dinners, prayed it wouldn't be the proverbial catering-house rubber chicken and headed to the dance floor.

After Janelle Monae's "Make Me Feel" and two slow dances, I had to put some space between us before she felt my ardor. Again, I felt like jack-ass. We placed a few silent bids for auctions supporting pit bull rescues and she took my hand.

"Anthony, come talk to me."

She led me to an empty table near the rear of the room. We sat down, and she looked around the room for a moment, seeming to marshal her thoughts. "You're his best friend. He loves you like a brother. Have you... does Matteo seem okay to you?"

What was I supposed to say? I felt like I would be breaking an unspoken trust if I said anything. I guess she saw my hesitation.

"I know how close the two of you are and you might not want to say anything you think he wouldn't want me to know, but if he's keeping something from me, I need to know. Anthony, a few weeks ago I found him asleep near the pool. He was so sunburned he had to see the doctor. He slept for more than eighteen hours that day. When your equipment was delivered he was talking to the delivery guys when he started slurring his words. He said he was just tired, but I could tell it was more than that. I'm scared to death."

I didn't know what to say. Stunned, I leaned back in my chair. "Barb, this is... why would he hide something like this from us? When we first flew back here he looked really sweaty and pale. I was concerned and noticed his hands were shaking. A medicine bottle fell out of his pocket. He said he had the flu. A few days ago at dinner, his hand was shaking so bad he put it under the table so you wouldn't see it. Supposedly it was nerve damage from when he broke his arm."

"Did you see the label on the bottle? Do you know what the medicine was or who prescribed it?"

"Uhmmm, no. I think it was like Abirov? Abitov? Something like that. What should we do? Should we confront him?"

Barb was holding back tears as she answered. "Let me look into it a bit first." She took my hand again. "Thank you, Anthony. Would you mind terribly if we skipped dinner?"

"Can we hit In and Out on the way home?" I was joking with her, but there was a naturalness when I said 'home' that scared me. It wasn't my home. It was theirs. My home was in Colorado.

She stood, hugged me and we left. We walked through the door with bags of In and Out and Matteo was exactly where we left him, asleep on the couch. Did he go to his meeting? Barbara walked over to him and took his hand with her left. She stroked it with her right.

"Honey? Matteo?"

Blinking slowly, he looked at both of us and smiled. "Back so soon? Did you bring me some burgers and fries?"

A horrible sadness was settling in my stomach and I didn't know why. It was a feeling of dread and I couldn't trust myself to speak for a minute. "Sure did. I'm gonna change out of your tux. Don't want to pay for the cleaners to get grease and ketchup out of it."

Barb looked confused. "What? Anthony, that's your tuxedo. Matteo bought it for you last week."

Looking from Barb back to my cousin, I tried to push down all the questions that were springing to mind.

"Oh. Okay. I... well, let me go get changed." He knew for a week that I would need a tux for tonight. This wasn't a last-minute meeting. If there was a meeting.

After changing, we enjoyed the food while sitting poolside. "So, Matty, what happened tonight?"

"They called about half an hour after you left. Cancelled the meeting."

"That sucks. I hope you didn't lose out on a deal."

"Nah, it's fine."

Barbara collected some of the wrappers and the bag and headed into the kitchen. I could see her over Matteo's shoulder as she grabbed his phone off the counter. She made a few swipes and looked out at me, shaking her head.

I continued. "So, they just called and cancelled out of the blue? That happens a lot?"

"Sometimes. I'm not really in what people would call a stable business."

Life went on and Matteo seemed tired but otherwise fine. I finished his vases and started work on some designs to present to the Council Woman. I flew out on Friday night. It felt amazing to spend time with my kids, just the four of us. As nice as the social services woman was, her presence was like an anchor on my emotions.

I took them go-cart racing and out to dinner before bringing them home. When the bitch came out of the house and started walking my way I put the car in reverse and got out of there. Singing along to the radio on the two-hour drive home, I was in a great mood.

I needed to get more clients and Jennifer's lead might be a huge help. I needed to get the results of the DNA tests, but that was coming on Monday. I needed to see what could be done about the annulment and I had an appointment Monday morning with the same attorney who handled my divorce. I desperately needed to get laid before I embarrassed myself in front of Barbara again.

I spent Sunday working on samples for the Council Woman and making some extras for Jennifer as a thank you. She stopped by in the early evening with my mail and we sat on the porch chatting. She spoke softly but sternly as two kids approached with a wagon.

"Be nice!"

The older kid was a preteen boy and the younger was a girl around ten. The boy was black, and the girl was Asian. The boy had a smile on his face that looked permanent.

"Hi! I'm Ted. We live down the block. Wanna buy some vegetables? We grew them ourselves, with our Dad and sister. She didn't do too much. She's pretty young. Oh, this is Wendy."