Where I'm Supposed to Be

I looked over at Jennifer who raised her eyebrows in a "don't fuck this up" look.

"Uhh, sure, Ted. What've you got?"

"We've got cucumbers, tomatoes, basil, and peaches. But, listen to this, if you buy $5.00 worth you get free recipes for whatever you buy."

It had been a good weekend, Jennifer knew these kids and they seemed earnest. "Okay. Give me $10.00 worth. Jennifer, you need any vegetables or peaches?"

"Well, Anthony, I think I'll also take $10.00 worth."

Ted picked out a bunch of stuff and was packing them in cardboard boxes while Wendy used her phone to show me how to access an app she seemed very proud of. It had recipes, pictures, and coupons for local grocery stores.

We paid them, and they left happy. I gave Jennifer half my bounty and made a salad that night for dinner.

My meeting that morning went well with the lawyer and she concurred with the other attorney that we had an excellent chance of getting the annulment. The results of the DNA tests arrived as UPS said they would, and they confirmed that I was the father of all three of my children. I had no idea what that loopy bitch was talking about. Did she fuck so many guys on the side that she thought there was no way I could be their father?

I was ecstatic. It was the best day I'd had in years. Until it wasn't.

Barbara called me that evening. "Anthony, you... Anthony, you have to come home." I could hear the tears in her voice. "He, oh my God, Anthony, he has a brain tumor."

It would take me just under two hours to get back to Pueblo. They had a direct flight leaving in three hours. I was on it. I didn't pack, I don't even think that I locked the door. I was numb and couldn't keep my mind thinking about any one thing. Thoughts of our childhood skittered over to his helping me after I found out about the bitch.

Did his mom know? I had almost called to ask her to look after the kids. I could have accidentally told my aunt her son might be dying. I went into the lavatory in the plane and sat on the toilet, sobbing. I pulled myself together when someone knocked on the door. Splashing some water on my face, I got a grip and went back to my seat.

Feeling like an idiot, I stopped looking for Matteo at baggage claim. Hertz was kind enough to take my money and I rented a mid-size car. I was at their house ninety minutes after leaving the airport. Why was I now thinking of it as their place? What happened to it being home?

Sitting in the car in their driveway, I wondered if I was strong enough for this. Fuck cousins, he was my brother. No child of my parents could possibly be closer than Matteo was. I got out and went to the door. Barbara looked both horrible and beautiful as she answered my knocking. She pulled me in for a hug, crying on my chest.

Matteo was sitting on the couch. "Hey, I'm still alive, folks. Can we stop with the tears for a while?"

I guess I was cried out because I sat down in a chair and just watched him for a while. He eventually turned to me, perturbed. "Would you stop that? You're freaking me the fuck out.

I kept watching him. "How long have you known?"

"A while. A long time."

I closed my eyes for a second. "Did you know before I found out about the bitch?"

"Yeah. I'm not going to apologize for that."

"Matteo, why didn't you say something? You were there for me when I needed you and you took away my ability to be there for you. If... if things go bad, I'm going to have to live with that."

"Okay, I can see where your coming from, but the difference is that I could do something for you. No one can do anything for me."

I was wrong. I wasn't cried out. It felt like a giant had kicked me in the stomach. With a catch in my voice, I asked the question I didn't want answered. "How long?"

"Probably less than ninety days."

Ninety days. I had less than three months left with a man I would take a bullet for.

"What can I do? Do you want me to talk to your mom?"

He smiled sadly. "No. Barb and I are flying back next week with you for your visitation. We'll talk to her when you're with the kids. Have you heard anything, by the way? About the kids?"

In spite of my pain, I smiled. "Yeah, they're mine. All of them."

"That's amazing, Ant. Really. Fantastic. We'd all love them the same, but, really, just great."

"Matty, let me do something. What can I do?"

"This is really selfish, but what the fuck, right? I might as well push all my chips to the center. If you could spend as much time with us as you could outside of time with the kids, it would mean a lot. I'm a little scared, Ant, and it was always you and me against the world, you know?"

It seemed that I was far from cried out. "I'm not going anywhere. Maybe I can offer the bitch money to take the kids to the airport so they could visit their aunt and uncle for a couple of weekends."

His tumor was inoperable. We spent his last few months trying to make him as happy and as comfortable as possible. He showed me where his money was so I could get it to Barbara once he was gone. Not in a figurative way, giving me access to hidden accounts. He literally showed me his money. He had buried bar after bar of gold in property he owned outside of Ontario, near the desert.

My ex-wife called a few weeks after I heard about Matteo's tumor. It was a bizarre conversation and I felt like I was talking to a pod person.

"Anthony, please don't hang up on me. I'm not asking for money, I just need some information."

At least she was taking a new approach. "Okay, what do you need to know?"

"I need to find out about skateboarding. It's... I need to get closer to our kids and it's all Jimmy talks about."

I didn't know how to respond. Was she trying to play me? "Why would you care?"

"Listen, I'm trying, okay? I'm trying. I know that the kids always preferred you, but I thought that I was at least there in their hearts somewhere. Dad was always number one, but I thought I was at least a strong number two. Please, no scatological jokes. I was wrong. They don't know me or love me or even care that they don't love me. I'm not blaming them or you. I... This isn't easy, okay? I know I wasn't everything I could have been, but I want to be better. Can you help me?

Anthony, are you still there?"

"Yeah, sorry. I was just lost for a second. Listen, let me think about this and call you back tomorrow."

"All right. Anthony? Thank you."

"Okay. I'm glad you called, Camilla."

That was just bizarre. I gathered up some basic information on stuff that our kids liked, including YouTube links, local stores for skateboarding, camping and comic books and some Amazon links to primers on each activity. We spoke civilly the next day and I emailed her the information.

Two weeks later Aunt Sylvie moved in. I insisted that she take the guest room and I put a futon in the shop out back. I worked half-days. Jennifer was still taking care of the house for me and she mailed care packages to me for Matteo. She knew us when we were boys and she was in high school. She remembered his love for chili verde and sent some weekly. It came in triple sealed Tupperware, same day delivery. I don't know how much that cost her, but when Matteo barely pecked at other food, he ate every ounce of what she sent.

I was back in Pueblo, and I spoke to my lawyer. It turned out that being married for almost two decades and having fathered her three children meant that the annulment was almost impossible. If I wasn't the father, it would be a different story. I was fine with it. Paying her some alimony for three years was worth it if that was the cost of the children being mine.

The kids and I were heading out to take them to L.A. when Camilla stopped me at the door.

"Kids, go wait in the car. Your dad will be right out."

Whether they liked her or not, they listened. She turned to me, looking at the floor, silent.

"Camilla, I need to get going."

She raised her hand as if to touch me, stopped and lowered it again. "You know better than anyone that I'm not the best cook, but hold on a second." She grabbed a good-sized box and handed it to me.

"Remember when we were kids and there were like seven or eight of us? We'd go down to Sweeney's, chip in our money and buy a couple of Peanut Butter Silk pies and some cokes? Matteo loved those. Mine is probably pretty bad, but give it to him anyway. Tell him I tried, okay?"

I'd forgotten about that. I'd forgotten a lot of things that involved Camilla. I think that I needed to in order to survive. She was right, he loved them.

"I'm sure he'll love it. That was... nice of you."

"Anthony, I'm sorry. For all of it."

"Okay. I appreciate you saying that."

"Fly safe."

What the hell just happened? Who was that person?

Matteo loved seeing the kids and he even ate some of the pie. It wasn't bad. He had a hard time believing her behavior didn't have an ulterior motive, but he wasn't going to look a gift pie in the mouth. Gently prodding the kids revealed that she did seem to be making an effort. There was a thaw in their emotions towards her, which I guess was a positive.

He asked me to escort Barb to another charity event. It was a circus for terminally ill children. Barbara was on the Board of Directors and he insisted that she go. "Ant, she needs to get out. Try to get her to smile. Just a few hours.

I didn't have to wear a tux this time. We did have fun and even managed to laugh. I felt guilty every time that happened, thinking about Matteo at home and the poor kids all around us. The event was at an animal reserve and was packed. Everyone seemed to know and love Barbara, including most of the single men. She spoke to everyone that spoke to her, again, including most of the single men. That rankled more than it should have.

Matteo started to find a need for home improvement equipment. I don't know what repairs he thought he'd be doing when he spent most of his time in bed, but he would send Barbara to pick up what he wanted and asked me to go to carry it for her.

We were wandering down an aisle in Lowes when she asked without turning towards me. "Does he think he's being subtle?"

I laughed. "I certainly hope not. How much do you want to bet that he's going to say we got the wrong stuff and we should go to Home Depot? Maybe he'll insist we have lunch while we're out."

She laughed in return and we found our items and headed out. We were driving home when she addressed the elephant in the room.

"Anthony, you know that I care about you, right? But this..."

"I know. He's a good man. Matteo's trying until the end to do what's right. Let's make him happy and keep going on his little missions and when... when it's over, I'll head back to Colorado."

She was silent for a minute before her soft, sad two-syllable response. "Okay."

He passed three weeks later. I stayed for a week trying to help Barbara. If I hadn't, I would have lost myself in grief. Aunt Sylvie stayed for an additional week before heading home. We all made promises to meet up regularly, but it didn't work out that way.

Six months to the day after he died I received a package in the mail. It contained an itinerary and ticket for a two-week cruise and a DVD. I assumed the video had cruise ship information and maybe details about the different ports where it would be stopping. It certainly couldn't be worse than the last DVD I received.

The DVD went into the laptop and there was my cousin, my brother, looking frail and lying in his bed.

"Hello, Anthony. Mom is helping me make this. Say hi, Mom." The angle swiveled, and Aunt Sylvie waved at the camera. Swinging back again, she focused on her son.

"I'm going to tell you two things with certainty and then I'm going to ask for a favor. The first is that you're an idiot. The second is that Barbara loves you. She always has but as a brother. During these last few months, that's changed. I know her better than anyone. She's in love with you. I know you better than anyone. You love her.

Listen to me carefully, Anthony. I want this to happen. I can't be more clear. I know that you'll feel that it's a betrayal of some sort for the two of you to be together. I'm going to repeat myself. It's what I want. I love the two of you and Mom more than anyone else on this planet. Please do this for me. If you doubt my sincerity, call Mom. Talk to her.

Anthony, if you loved me, if you respected me, be on that cruise. She needs you and you need her.

I love you, man. I'll see you again someday."

It was a beautiful room with a large balcony and must have cost him a fortune. I was alone, but that was okay. I couldn't expect her to feel the way that I did. She was wealthy, beautiful and sophisticated. I was comfortable, okay looking and rural.

It was all right. It really was. I was going to enjoy the cruise and toast Matteo at every port along the way. I wore the tux he bought me for the first dinner aboard. It was a little disappointing. From the movies I had seen, I expected everyone to be dressed to the nines. I sat and introduced myself to the others at the table.

We were chatting when the men and a few of the women looked past me, over my shoulder, staring.

"I believe this is where I'm supposed to be?"

I turned and stood. She was wearing the same red dress from the charity auction. She was the most beautiful woman there. Maybe anywhere.

Smiling, I pulled back her seat. I swallowed hard before replying. "Yes, I believe so."

With thanks to Anomic, Randi, Steve M., Chris S., Pauline French and Steve B.

Credit needs to be extended to the wonderful people at Sports Illustrated. I appreciate their support.

Looking for something else to read? This was a story about a relentless and inventive husband and how he puts the kibosh on an attempt to cheat. It made me laugh. Take a look, it's only two pages long. Telephone Blitz by PapaToad HERE