All Comments on 'White Freshman, Black Coeds Ch. 11'

The breaking of the fourth wall can be an interesting literary device and a powerful one but the occasional break. The protracted ones in previous chapters are kind of like the puppet master having hand cramps and having to get physical therapy during the show. You understand the reality of it and the thinking but it ruins the illusion.

That said: the only other time you have broken that illusion for me, as a S.W.M. was during the exchanges with Mark and other men, perhaps further research into dialogue (even observational dialogue).

The characters all seem quite clinical though this certainly makes sense from the mind of an engineer and isn't a bad thing! It does tend to create character voices which tend to be quite similar. Creating a bit more variety in tone might increase the feeling of verisimilitude.

However,

The story is very erotic, Mark is a perfectly serviceable and likeable character and the female characters still feel separate and real. The sex scenes and love scenes also feel quite real.

Great story!

Thanks so much for your comments. And FINALLY I got a comment from someone who's posted stories of their own. You're the first, I swear, and it surprised me that it took this long. I guess most people here are just readers. I took a peek at your stories, and the genre isn't my bag, but they're fairly highly rated, so I should probably read them.

"Breaking the 4th wall," I think that's been noted before and I hope I learned from it. I don't remember if I did any of that from here to Ch. 24, but I'll be sensitive to it in future.

Male dialogue: I'm not a sports guy or a "bro" or a fisherman or hunter or whatever, but I've had many male friends and acquaintances over the years from many walks of life, and thought I had a good grip on "the lingo," but I'll see if I can work on that too.

"Clinical characters": I'm sorry they've come across to you like that. Maybe you're right, that it's my engineer nature that makes them like that. But I'm a pretty sensitive/romantic guy, and I've tried to get inside the heads of my female characters and have them say what I think they'd say and how they'd say it. I'll try to work on that too.

Bonus points for working 'verisimilitude' into your comment!

And thanks, really thanks, for your positive comments about the story. And for saying that the female characters feel real. Even though this is erotica and fantasy, I try not to make the situations and sex too "over the top," or things that girls just wouldn't do. I'd bet that every single thing I've written has happened to young men and women on college campuses somewhere at some time.

Take care.