Willow

She took the child's hand and went back into the shop. If I looked terrible it was because I felt terrible. I dropped my backpack on the floor and lay down, gazing up at the ceiling. I tried to disentangle my confused thoughts; the appalling things I'd said to Willow; a child; and the fact that while I had thought I'd searched everywhere for Willow she had been within forty kilometres of me and I'd found her only because of a pie.

Sounds came and went in the shop; Willow looked in a couple of times and asked how I was feeling and did I want anything. I'd been feeling hungry when I'd arrived in the shop, but my appetite seemed to have disappeared. Once the child Rebecca came in and stood looking at me; I said, "Hello Rebecca," and she went back into the shop.

The room looked slightly familiar, and I realised it was because the furniture was the same as that which I had known in her house, even the picture, The Soul's Flight.

A child came in, not Rebecca, and said, "Hello Mr. Clements, I remember you, you were mummy's friend." It was Ann.

I said, "Hello Ann, you've grown up."

"I go to school now; we haven't seen you for a long time."

"No," I responded, "Things have been busy."

"I've got a sister now, have you seen her."

"Yes, for a moment."

"I've got to change now, are you stopping."

"For a little while."

"Good, I think mummy missed seeing you."

"Why do you think that?"

"Sometimes at night when mummy thought I was asleep I heard her call out "Ross," and then she'd cry."

She went through a door and into another part of the house, leaving me feeling worse than ever. She came back having changed her dress and went straight into the shop. The sound of voices and she came in holding Rebecca's hand, she said to the child, "This is Mr. Clements, mummy's friend," then as an after thought, "And mine, he used to go out with us a lot."

I said, "Hello Rebecca" again, and this time got a response that sounded like, "Alo."

"Are you going to take us out again? We don't go out much now because mummy can't leave the shop very often."

"I'll have to talk to your mummy about that."

They went out into the shop leaving me to give myself another mental beating up.

Willow looked in for a moment and said, "It'll soon be closing time, we can talk when the children have gone to bed."

"Bed! It suddenly hit me; I had to get to the hostel and still had at least five kilometres to walk, it would be dark long before I arrived. I got up and went into the shop saying to Willow, "I'll have to go, I'm sleeping at the hostel tonight and..."

"Would you like to stay here?"

"I...er...yes, if it's okay with you."

"Yes, we've got a spare bedroom. I'm just closing up."

A last minute customer came in for a tin of something and the shop door was locked after her as she left. Willow breathed out a long sigh and said, "That's it for another day, I'll add up later."

The four of us went into the house part of the place and on through the lounge and into a spacious kitchen where Willow started to prepare an evening meal while Ann played with Rebecca piling up some small wooden blocks and knocking them over again.

It occurred to me that if this was a normal day for Willow she certainly had a busy life. I offered to help with the food preparations and was given some vegetables to peel and clean. We conversed spasmodically around safe subjects like how my studies had gone, how my parents were and had there been any changes in the street. I asked about how life had been for them and did the shop keep her busy. We kept it low-key because of the children.

After we had eaten it was time for Rebecca to go to bed; Ann being older lingered on for a bit longer, but finally she was taken off. Her last words to me were, "If you and mummy were friends again you could take me and Rebecca out." That really choked me up.

Willow looked very tired but we took up our previous theme, "Why?" but with less rancour on my part.

"It must be obvious to you why I left the way I did, Ross. I was pregnant and if I'd stayed I might have wrecked your life."

"We could have talked about it."

"I was in love Ross, very deeply in love, and I knew that you could have easily persuaded me to stay, but what could you do, throw up your studies before they even started; married me and got some job that would have made you miserable?"

"I'd have risked that for you."

"Yes, I knew that, so that's why I had to go."

"But to have our baby without me knowing, and this place, it obviously takes up most of your time; it must have been very hard."

She shrugged her shoulders wearily and said, "At the time I found out that I was pregnant this came onto the market. I was okay for money but I knew it wouldn't last for ever. I had to do something to make a living, I thought this would be okay so I put my bit of capital into this, but I had no idea how demanding it would be; from seven in the morning until six in the evening everyday."

"Is it profitable?"

"Just about but it's been very hard." I could see a trace of tears in her eyes.

I had intended to tell her my tale of woe, but felt it was not appropriate to burden the tired little woman with that.

There was a long pause as we each tried to think of what to say next, then she rose and said, "The day isn't over yet, I need to do the books."

"Can I help?"

"No...no...you go to bed. I'll show you your room. You'll have to make your own bed; I haven't had time to do it."

I was taken to a small room with a single bed and given sheets and blankets, and then introduced to the shower. It had been a tiring day's hike and the emotional meeting with Willow had added to my tiredness. I showered and felt a bit more relaxed but still ready to sleep, but when I got into bed sleep would not come.

I heard Willow moving about completing the final tasks of her day, then the hiss of the shower and Willow making her way to bed.

I thought of the times when I had been with her in bed and our love making. I tried to focus on how things stood with each other now, and realised that there was a barrier between us.

It often happens that when people meet after many years of separation, even when they have been as intimate as Willow and me, they have trouble relating. The years have brought about changes in them and they are not exactly the same people they had been years before. The barrier between Willow and me was higher than most; it was a barrier of pain, anger and misery. If I had suffered because of my loss of Willow, it was clear to me from the little that had been said that Willow had also travelled a hard road.

I thought grimly that it was so much easier when there is a fuse to be mended or a toilet fixed, that smooths the way for friendship to grow and perhaps develop into the sort of relationship Willow and I had once had. Now that deep emotions were involved; emotions that hurt, the way did not seem to so easy.

Willow had given birth to our child, but that was a double edged sword that could cut either way. It could bring us together or separate us still further.

At last I drifted off to sleep still pondering the problems and no dreams came to resolve them, if I dreamt at all.

Chapter 12Words' of a Child

I was awakened in the morning by the sounds of activity in the house and Willow's voice, "Ann do get ready, you'll be late for school."

I dressed and went into the kitchen. Rebecca was seated in a high chair while Willow tried to feed her. Ann was still in her night clothes and was also eating. It was after seven o'clock and the shop was open but for the moment there were no customers.

Looking distracted Willow said to me, "Would you try and feed Rebecca, I've got to get into the shop; some of them will want their newspapers soon."

Feeling somewhat inadequate for the task I sat beside the high chair and tried to supervise Rebecca. The child could feed herself to some extent but made a mess while doing it. My job seemed to involve face, high chair tray and floor cleaning.

Ann left, apparently to shower and dress for school while Willow had disappeared shop-wards. I managed to struggle through the Rebecca breakfast process and finished off giving her some milk in a child's cup.

I could hear people starting to arrive in the shop and it was some time before Willow returned to the kitchen.

"Ann's going to be late for school," she lamented; "Ross could you drive her?"

Without waiting for my reply she tossed some keys on the table and said, "Ann can show you the way; its pension day today and the oldies will be in soon spending up big."

Seeming to have no alternative I picked up the keys and awaited the appearance of Ann. She arrived more or less spick and span and went out into the shop. There was a brief conversation and Ann came back and said, "You're driving me."

"Yes, where's the car?"

I was led out to a garage at the side of the shop/house and after a bit of fiddling around I got it started and with Ann's directions headed for the school.

As we drove Ann startled me by saying, "You didn't go to bed with mummy last night like you used to."

I nearly drove up a roadside gum tree.

"How...how did you know that?"

"Oh, I used to hear you when I was still awake. You used to talk and then you made funny noises."

I felt the blood rush to my cheeks as she went on, "Even when I wasn't awake I always knew when you'd gone to bed with mummy."

"How," I gasped, trying to keep the car on the road.

"Mummy was always happy the next day; she used to sing a lot and be extra nice. Will you be going to bed with mummy again? Here's the school."

I stopped the car; she got out and said, "Thank you Mr. Clements," and departed as if she'd just been talking about pleasures of eating chocolate.

I sat in the car for a while trying to recover from this revelation. "My God and we thought we had been so careful keeping it from her." I had to revise my views on what even little children notice and remember.

When I got back to the shop Willow had Rebecca there still sitting in the high chair while she tried to deal with the predicted pensioners buying little treats they would not able to afford again until next pension day, a fortnight hence.

I felt superfluous in the situation so I went off and made my bed and did the washing up. This done, and feeling that there was little prospect of any extended talk with Willow I made ready to leave. I would have to by-pass the hostel I had intended to stop at the previous night and slog on to the next one or I would not be at the place where mother would be picking me up at the end of the week.

I picked up my backpack and made my way into the shop. Things had calmed down a bit and only two customers remained. They seemed to be having difficulties about choosing between a container of ice cream and an iced cake.

Willow stood there patiently waiting for them to make up their minds. I said to her, "I'd better be off Willow; I've got a bit of extra walking to do today to get to the hostel after the one I was going to stay in last night."

The pensioners chose this moment to make up their minds and Willow had to attend to them. I said, "Goodbye, and thank you," and went out.

I got a dozen metres from the shop and stopped. It was no good; the old love and passion was still there and I'd walked away with a bare 'goodbye.' I was leaving the love of my life, the mother of my child, and I nearly broke down weeping with despair.

I turned back and re-entered the shop not knowing what I was going to say, or how whatever I said would be received.

The two pensioners were still there and I stood just inside the doorway fumbling for words. The last words Willow had said to me when I had left her that night long ago came back to me and I spoke them now.

"Remember, I love you."

For a moment I saw the startled faces of the pensioners and Willow staring at me. I turned and fled. I got some way along the street when Willow's voice, unusually loud, called, "Don't go Ross; don't leave me."

The two pensioners were just behind her with grins on their faces and the woman called, "That's right, don't go Ross, don't leave 'er." The man chimed in, "Yers, don't go, yer lucky bugger."

Willow came to me and I put my arms round her and kissed her. The pensioners passed us and the man remarked to his wife, "Those two got it real bad." They cackled suggestively.

Willow said, "You can't go like this, we've got to talk, you can't just leave me now, not like this, come back, I'll close the shop for an hour and we can talk, we must."

In something of a daze I went back into the shop. Willow shut the door and locked it, turning the notice from open to closed, and then we went on into the lounge with me carrying the highchair with Rebecca still in it.

I dropped my pack on the floor but was unable to find words myself. Willow took the initiative saying breathlessly, "I couldn't let you go, not after what you said. I couldn't say it myself because I know I hurt you badly and you might think I was trying to manipulate you; I wouldn't...I never did, and there's never been anyone else...I don't think there ever would have been, but if you meant it...what you said..."

I nodded my head in Rebecca's direction. The child seemed intrigued by what was going on and I was trying to warn Willow that she was listening. Willow took the hint but said, "Oh, she won't be able to understand." I thought it was not the time to tell her what another little girl had understood so I let the matter go.

"I did mean what I said, Willow, and if it's of any importance there hasn't been anyone else for me either."

Now we both seemed stumped for words, both of us perhaps fearful of taking a step farther than the other was willing to go. The silence hung between us for what seemed like an age, until I said, "Can we start again?"

"If you want to, Ross, but we've got a few bridges to mend."

Despite the seriousness of the moment I could not suppress a grin; "I'm quite good at mending things as you should know so I'm sure I can repair a slightly cracked relationship."

"A bit more than slightly cracked, darling, but I do love you and if you love..."

"If? Didn't you believe what I said?"

"Yes, of course I did. Can you stay with us? You can get to know Rebecca...and Ann again."

"Yes, I can stay but I think I need to telephone home, otherwise they'll start sending out search parties for me at the end of the week."

"Will you tell them where you are...what you're doing...I mean that you're with me?"

"Yes, I think I shall tell them I've found you and that I shall be marrying you."

"Marry, I didn't ask you to..."

"I'm not a young man just starting on his studies any more; I've got some good job prospects and you're the mother of my child..."

"Our child."

"Yes, well, our child. I love you and I'm asking you to marry me, but I warn you, if you say yes I shall want you out of this place. I've seen just a little of what you have to cope with and I don't want our children brought up in an environment like this."

"Of course not master; so what do I do, sell the business?"

"Yes."

"There aren't many naïve people around like me; I won't get a good price for it."

"Sod the price I can..."

"Don't swear in front of Rebecca."

"You said she wouldn't understand."

"No, but she will one day and it's not good for you either."

It seemed the right moment so I told her about my conversation with Ann. Willow was unsurprised and said, "I know, she's often asked me why you and I don't go to bed anymore and are we still friends."

"Ah...by the way, you haven't said yes or no."

"I'll say 'yes' but only if you promise not to shout at me anymore."

"Oh God, Willow..."

"Don't use that phrase Ross, Ann goes to Sunday school and..."

"And she won't like it, I know. I was going to say that I've said a lot of hurtful things to you and I don't know how you can believe I love you."

"I don't have any trouble believing that you love me, but I do wonder if you love yourself enough; I really will have to teach you a bit of self love. Now, I've not sold the shop yet and when I do I want it to be going concern, so I've got to re-open, but before I do, kiss me and tell me you love me again, it'll help me get through the day."

I think she got though the day relatively well since I was detailed off to a number of tasks that included doing the washing, vacuuming, preparing lunch and taking Rebecca out in her pusher. Fortunately I was not sent out to do the shopping because Willow's was the only shop in the place.

I helped again with the evening meal and even participated in putting Rebecca to bed. After Ann departed Willow sat down to deal with the days takings while I sat and feasted my eyes on her.

Eventually she closed the books and looking at me asked, "Do you think we're friends enough to share the same bed?"

"I'm going to marry you, aren't I, isn't that friendly enough?"

She came and sat on my lap and kissing me said, "Of course it is, but do you want to take the risk?"

"Risk?"

"Yes, the risk of becoming daddy again?"

"You mean you could get..."

"Yes, I could."

"Then I'll only risk it if when you do get pregnant you don't run away again."

"No more running away darling, you're stuck with the three of us now...or possible four."

"Do you think it might be a boy next time?"

"Darling, unless you take me to bed and start the process we'll never know."

"Yes, I suppose you're right – you know we've really been quite abstemious."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, only once in four years."

Epilogue

I could say it was a happy ending, but more accurately it was a happy beginning.

I got a good job; the business was sold and we bought a house with the money; mother squawked a bit when I told her Willow and I were going to get married, but then she calmed down and decided she liked the grandmother image. Father? Well, he winked at me a bit lasciviously and said, "Don't blame you boy, one of the best looking and nicest women I've ever met."

Willow wasn't pregnant when we got married but was soon after. It was another girl so we decided to give it one more try and then take advantage of some of the modern contraceptive methods.

I'd better stop now because its my turn to change Felicity.