Without You Pt. 01

Sorry it's been so long. I've had a few stories in my head for months and have completely failed to finish any of them. I've had more of a routine in the past week or so, so this one has come on a lot more. I do want to do at least one more part for Rhythm, to tie up some loose ends and I also have a couple more stories in the pipeline. Hopefully with some more focus I won't take so long between each submission.

This one is a slow burn, no juicy stuff in this part, a lot of background setting. I'm giving myself the weekend to finish the second part so you shouldn't have to wait long.

*****

Hannah hated Monday mornings, she always had done, and she didn't trust people who didn't feel the same way. As a recent graduate she was still adjusting to the working life and was desperately trying to hold on to the party lifestyle she so enjoyed as a student. Unfortunately her favourite night at the local club was Sunday which made Monday mornings even harder.

Groaning as she noticed the time, Hannah pulled herself out of bed and stumbled to the shower. While getting herself ready she reasoned that the working day wouldn't be so hard if she actually enjoyed her job but the party lifestyle had taken its toll on her studies so she wasn't the most attractive prospect on the job market. Working as administrative staff at a local accountancy firm was at least easy and provided her with just enough money to live and party - she can worry about everything else later.

Making her way to the kitchen she found her best friend and roommate, Amy, who was irritatingly chipper most of the time but had recently declared Monday as her favourite day of the week. Not only did Amy love her job, working at a large book shop in town, her favourite customer came in on a Monday. The book shop was one of the largest in the country, serving as a regular bookshop but also the main text book provided for the local University, this led to it being more like a library than a book shop (n.b. Google Norrington Room Blackwells for an example from Oxford).

It had started a couple of months ago, one Monday afternoon, Amy noticed one of the most beautiful women she had ever seen in the history section of the shop. Amy had surreptitiously followed the woman for the hour that she was in the shop, noticing every book she picked up and put down. The beautiful stranger had eventually selected three books, one history, one fiction and weirdly one in Latin before making her purchases and leaving. Amy wasn't working the desk when the woman paid for her books so she didn't get a close look at the woman's face but could appreciate the body from afar.

Amy assumed she wouldn't see the woman again so was surprised when almost exactly the same time the following Monday the scene was repeated. Again the woman spent just over an hour browsing eventually choosing three books, always from a diverse range of subjects and languages, with books in French, German and Spanish being selected. If Amy was lucky she would be covering the till the woman ended up at but that wasn't always the case.

As was now usual on a Monday, Amy had taken extra care when getting ready for work that morning, just in case she got the nerve and an opening to actually talk to the woman that had been haunting her dreams for the past few weeks. Having made tea for herself and coffee for Hannah's hangover, Amy was sitting at the kitchen table daydreaming.

Seeing this made Hannah even more grumpy, which in a less hungover state she knew wasn't fair on Amy. This morning she once again tried to persuade Amy to take a chance and speak to the mysterious stranger.

"C'mon Ames, it's time to put up or shut up. You can't spend your life swooning over someone you won't even talk to. Just ask her out."

"Han, we've had this conversation, you're straight, you don't understand how risky that is for someone like me, especially at work, worst case scenario she could be homophobic and make a complaint about me harassing her, getting me fired."

"Your boss is cool, he wouldn't fire you for being a lesbian."

"No, but he could fire me for being inappropriate and harassing customers."

"So don't ask her 'out' out, just for a coffee or something, or talk to her about the books she buys or if there is anything she wants to order in - think outside the box woman."

"It's just not that easy Hannah, but I hear what you're saying, believe me."

Throughout the morning, Amy was wondering if she would ever have the courage or the opportunity to actually talk to the stranger, she was so engrossed in thought that she nearly missed the woman arrive but once she realised, it looked like fate was on her side. For the first time in weeks, the woman was browsing the art section - Amy's section, she had legitimate reason to speak to her - now if she only had the nerve.

After about five minutes of arguing with herself, Amy finally walked over to the woman, just as another impossibly beautiful woman walked up, hugged the object of Amy's desire and kissed her on the cheek. It was obvious that the two women were close. By this point, it was clear that Amy was trying to say something, both women had turned towards her as she stepped up to them, so she couldn't back out, instead she just lamely said, "Um, I was wondering if there was anything I can help you with?" The beautiful stranger met Amy's eyes with a soft blush and declined before picking whatever book she had in her hand and shooting off to another section of the shop, with newcomer smiling briefly at Amy before trailing after her.

'Damn, damn, damn, I'm such an idiot, of course it wouldn't be so easy for me. I finally get to speak to her and it looks like I have Wonder Woman as competition - where are all of these beautiful women coming from?' Amy thought. Amy was far from ugly, she was just under average height, with brown hair, brown eyes. She was a little overweight but had the curves and breasts that went with that. Usually she was happy with how she looked, but it was hard not to compare herself to the woman she'd been fantasising about who was tall, with beautiful copper hair and piercing green eyes. Today's newcomer was just as tall with black hair and even the short time they were around Amy made her confidence drain away. Sighing to herself over another opportunity missed, Amy went to help another customer.

The following day, on her lunch break, Amy popped out of the shop to grab a sandwich from a shop down the road. Lost in thought and listening to music on her headphones while waiting for her order to be ready, it took a while before Amy noticed someone was trying to get her attention - it was the 'friend' of her favourite customer. Smiling apologetically and removing the headphones, she apologised to the woman, who said, "No problem, sorry for disturbing you on your lunch. Have you got a few minutes?"

"Sure, let me just grab my order then we can sit outside."

"Perfect."

Once settled on a bench in the sun, Amy turned to the stranger waiting to hear what she wanted to say. "Before we start anything, I'm Helen."

"Amy, nice to meet you."

"You too, this is going to sound crazy and I'm going to come over as a weirdo, but please hear me out. I wanted to talk to you about my sister."

"Your sister?"

"Yes, you know, the woman who's been coming to your bookshop every week for the past few months."

"You're sisters? You don't look anything like each, apart from tall and beautiful." Amy blushed furiously when she realised what she'd said but Helen took it in her stride.

"We get that a lot actually, red hair is a recessive gene and Jen is the only one that got those odds."

"Oh, I guess that makes sense. Anyway, she hasn't been coming to 'my' bookshop, yesterday was the first time she'd been in my section for weeks."

"Well, she's nothing if not subtle, but believe me when I say she has been coming because of you. Like I said, I'm going to come across as super weird at the moment but please hear me out. Again forgive me if I'm completely wrong about this but I get the impression that you like her too, and that you are gay or at least bi?"

Again blushing at this very random conversation with almost a complete stranger, Amy shyly nodded.

"Excellent, well I have good and bad news for you. Good - Jen likes you too, bad - she's so shy she's unlikely to do anything about it. So I, the devious but big hearted sister, am stepping in to save the day. I am making friends with you - that's what's happening now by the way - then you are coming round for drinks at the weekend when Jen will also be there - how's that for a cunning plan?"

"Um, I'm a bit floored actually, you seem to be going to a lot of trouble, and I don't mean to be rude or anything but I don't usually go round to the houses of people I barely know. Also, how can you be so sure she even likes me, we've never even really spoken?"

"Completely fair points, I guess me telling you I'm not an axe murderer isn't going to help? How about this, I'll add you on Facebook, you can see that I've had these drinks planned for weeks and that plenty of people have already said they are coming. My balcony overlooks the park so it has a perfect view of the town fireworks. And believe me, she likes you, she's not brilliant with emotions and things but I can read her like a book."

After thinking for a bit, Amy said, "That seems ok. Can I bring my roommate?"

"Absolutely, the more the merrier." Helen gave Amy her contact details and confirmed the plans for the weekend before leaving Amy to eat her lunch. Amy pondered over the interaction all afternoon. When she got home she told Hannah about the invitation and they both looked through Helen's Facebook page. She was clearly a very outgoing girl, there were lots of photos and posts but only one or two had a photo with her sister. At least Hannah could finally see who Amy had been swooning over for the past few weeks. Hannah agreed to go to the party with Amy, she also wanted to see what the fuss was about.

On the other side of town Helen was talking to her sister, making sure Jenny was going to be at the drinks she had arranged Amy to be at. Jenny was extremely shy, an introvert and suffered from social anxiety which meant that she couldn't be relied upon to be at an event, even if she had previously agreed to go. She never lied about not going, she wouldn't even try to think up an excuse, she would simply say she wasn't going.

Helen purposely didn't tell Jenny that Amy was going to be there, that was bound to be something that would bring the nerves on, even though this weekend was the one event of the year she could rely on Jenny attending - although not 5th November, it was the closest Saturday and Jenny had always loved Bonfire Night. Helen's flat had a balcony overlooking the main park for the city which meant it had a near perfect view of the fireworks. Even if Jenny wasn't feeling sociable, she would attend and sit on the balcony all night.

By the time Saturday evening came around Amy was a bag of nerves. She was well aware that Helen's plan could massively backfire. It was one thing having a crush from a distance but something else entirely doing something about it. She was also having an ongoing argument with Hannah who was as usual up for making a big night of it and going onto a club after Helen's flat. Amy had been drawing away from the party lifestyle for the past few months and could feel the tension building between her and Hannah.

When they arrived at Helen's flat there were already plenty of people there which helped Amy's nerves - she had been concerned that Helen had been completely setting her up for a fall. Helen spotted them and came over to welcome them and get drinks sorted. Amy introduced Hannah and Helen wasted no time in pointing out the Jenny was already out on the balcony and all but pushed Amy in her direction, saying, "Most people here aren't interested in the fireworks at all, so will only use the balcony to smoke."

Amy was wracked with nerves and as she approached Jenny, knowing that this was basically an ambush and could go horribly wrong. Jenny looked up as she approached and Amy was pleased to see that happiness was the first emotion she saw in Jenny's face, even if it was quickly followed by shock, confusion and fear. In fact, Jenny almost immediately looked past Amy to find Helen who wasn't doing a very good job of hiding in the background. Helen made encouraging gestures with her hands and slid the door mostly closed, effectively locking them on the balcony.

Seeing that Jenny was all but frozen to the spot, Amy tried to diffuse the situation. Smiling in what she hoped was a reassuring way she said, "I'm guessing that Helen didn't tell you I was coming?"

"No, I didn't think you knew each other."

"It's a long story. Look, I can go if you want, I'm sorry if you feel ambushed. How about we just hang out and watch the fireworks?"

Jenny said nothing for a few moments but eventually smiled and nodded, offering Amy the other seat on the balcony before sitting back down herself. Fighting an internal battle, Jenny forced herself to make some conversation. "You know, I don't even know your name."

Amy laughed with embarrassment and stuck out her hand saying, "I'm Amy Cooper, pleased to meet you."

Jenny smiled and shook Amy's hand, slightly flinching at the tingles that shot up her arm, she eventually replied, "I'm Jenny Williams, but then I guess Helen already told you that."

Amy nodded and smiled, waiting for Jenny to let go of her hand. Eventually Jenny realised she was still holding Amy's hand and suddenly dropped it, turning away and blushing. They sat in a companionable silence for a while and watched the fireworks. When it appeared they were over, Amy turned to Jenny and asked if she wanted another drink. Jenny looked back inside Helen's flat and seemed to shrink away from the amount of people, she smiled apologetically and said, "Sorry, but I think I'm going to go home, I'm not really a party kind of person."

"Hey, no worries, I know what you mean. I just want you to know that I like you, and I think that you like me. If you want to do something again, please call me. Helen has my number, or you can speak to me at the shop next time you are in. It was lovely to finally meet you Jenny." As she said this, Amy stood up, bent to kiss Jenny on the cheek and made her way inside to find Hannah. She couldn't work out how she felt. There was definitely attraction there, from both sides she thought, but she felt like Jenny was fighting within herself and Amy didn't know if she would end up on the winning side.

Amy wandered through the party looking for Hannah, a couple of minutes later she noticed Jenny out of the corner of her eye make her way across the flat and leave, pointedly ignoring Helen who tried to speak to her. When Amy found Hannah it was clear she had witnessed this interaction. "Beautiful but weird hey Ames? Ah well, at least maybe you'll move on now and come out a bit more often."

"What are you talking about?"

"I was watching you, she barely spoke a word, or even looked at you and now she couldn't get out of here fast enough, clearly a weirdo. And ever since you've been moping after her you don't come out anymore, time for you to re-join the party my friend. If we leave now we can get to the club before the queue gets too long."

"OK, one, you don't know what you're talking about, you don't know what happened on the balcony. Two, we're not students any more, maybe I don't want to party every week and have endless hangovers. Three, has it ever occurred to you that maybe you dragging me out to a non-gay club, watching you hook up with some random dude in the first half an hour isn't exactly fun for me? You go to the club if you want, I'm going to say thank you to Helen then I'm going home." Amy turned and left Hannah who was drunk enough to not really hear the main points of Amy's mini-rant, and deciding to make the best of a boring night, she quickly called an Uber to take her to the club, sure that Amy would come around and apologise soon enough.

Amy soon found Helen who was quick to draw her to one side to find out what happened. Helen had a questioning look on her face and simply said, "Well?"

"I have no idea Helen, she seemed happy enough to sit with me but that's where it ended. I told her you have my number if she wants it, I'm interested if she is. Thank you for inviting me, I'm going now, I think Hannah has already gone."

"I'll talk to Jen tomorrow, hopefully see you soon Amy."

Jenny hadn't answered any of Helen's texts or calls so the next afternoon she went round to her flat. Opening the door, Jenny begrudgingly let Helen in, knowing that Helen would let herself in with her spare key anyway. Sitting on the sofa, Jenny waited for Helen to explain herself. Helen paced in front of the TV for a few moments before saying, "Look, I know you must think I was out of order getting Amy to come last night, but I know you like her and more importantly I know you would never do anything about. She likes you so what's the problem?"

"You had no right."

"I was just giving you a shove in the right direction."

"You had no right to interfere, what am I supposed to do now? I can't go back to the bookshop. So instead of allowing me to admire her from afar, you've tried to force it and ruined it all."

"How is it ruined? She likes you, she told you to call her, what's the problem?"

"You know I can't call her, she won't want to go out with me, not when she actually realises what that would mean, she'd be too worried about what her friends think, having to explain all the times I cancel. It's just easier if don't start it in the first place, instead of getting hurt when she realises. Except, now I can't even have the fantasy in my head because I can never see her again."

"You said I had no right, well that may be but you know what - you do, you have a right to happiness and shutting yourself off like this is insane. Maybe it won't work out with Amy but what if it does, what if you are soulmates and the perfect match for each other? You are trying to stop yourself getting hurt but hurting yourself in the process, I just don't get it." Softening her manner, Helen went to sit next to Jenny, putting her arm around her and continuing, "I know this is difficult for you, why don't you try texting her, chat a bit offline before you decide whether to go further or not, instead of ruling it out completely?"

After a while, Jenny replied, "Yeah maybe, I'm not sure I can face the bookshop tomorrow but maybe I can text her instead."

Letting Helen store Amy's number in her phone, Jenny wondered if she really could open herself up again. As far as Helen knew, Jenny had only had one serious relationship, with her roommate at University. They were together for just over two years, including 6 months after graduation. Since that relationship, Helen didn't think Jenny had dated anyone else and she hadn't really shown interest. Jenny was an independent financial advisor, with a few steady clients that she worked well with. This meant she could mostly work from home and keep her own hours. Helen was worried this allowed to shy away from the world and restrict her social interaction even more.

It had taken weeks of coaxing from Helen before Jenny had told her what happened. The distance that the breakup had caused, allowed Jenny the space to reflect on what she now felt was a toxic relationship. Roommates experimenting with each other wasn't necessarily uncommon, but it doesn't always develop into a full relationship. That it had with Jane initially worked well for Jenny, she was happy and being in a lesbian relationship didn't worry her or her family at all.

After the breakup, when Jenny finally got around to talking to Helen, once she had sorted her own feelings out, she said, "I think she did me a favour you know, I'm not sure I ever would've left her, not because I was happy, but because I didn't know I could. Also, I've realised that she liked having me around, because I made her feel better about herself, not because I was nice to her and treated her well, but simply because she thought she was better than me, and she needed to feel that to be happy." This was an unusual bout of self-awareness from Jenny and Helen had made consoling and reassuring noises.