Xmas Wishes: How Do You Sleep BTB

"Jared, this was never about me being unhappy with you. You were always more than enough for me. I am one hundred percent in love with you. We had no problems between us. The problem was me. You always treated me like I was gold. Even when we didn't have any God damned money you'd wipe out our savings to buy me something that I really didn't need while you went without. I just needed to try to contribute more to our finances. I wanted to help."

"I know that it was stupid. I know that it was wrong. But that money really did help us. It took some of the financial pressure off of us and we got our house a lot sooner than we would have otherwise. It didn't cost us anything and we got back..." Jared held up his hand for me to stop.

He turned away from me and started looking at something on his fucking iPhone.

"Jared," I said softly and rubbed his shoulder. He pulled away from me again.

"Audrey, can you please just leave me alone for a while?" he asked. "I kind of need to process this."

After a few minutes, I saw Jared pull out a pad and start writing something. I looked straight ahead. A few minutes later the flight attendant passed by.

I grabbed her arm before she got too far away from me. She looked at me like I'd done something terrible by touching her.

"May I have my drink now?" I asked as nicely as I could.

"I'm sorry," she began. "But the..."

"Bitch, if you don't get me a fucking drink, you'll wish you had," I said as coldly as I could muster. She nodded her head and came back a few minutes later with a selection of those small drink bottles. I took three of the vodka bottles.

"You should probably put them in a glass," she said. "And we'll be landing soon." I nodded and took the glass she offered me.

I sat back and looked around. Most of the passengers in my area who weren't engaged in staring out the window or talking to each other were staring at me. I really wanted to jump up and scream "BOOOO!" as loudly as I could. I didn't for two reasons. First, because I knew I'd get arrested. The Air Marshalls and the flight attendants were already sick of me and if I pushed them any further my ass was grass. And second because StangStar already used that "Boo," thing last year and probably wouldn't do that twice (and if he did, mikothebaby would just edit it out anyway).

Jared was scribbling away on that pad. It was like the man was trying to write "War and Peace," in 10 minutes on a legal pad. He wouldn't even as much as look at me and there were so many things I needed to tell him.

Just before the plane started to descend, he got up and went to speak to a flight attendant. He took his jacket and his briefcase with him. "Bathroom," he threw over his shoulder as he left. I saw a conversation between him and the flight attendant and the Air Marshall and then I saw him go further back in the plane.

A few moments later Airplane Barbie came back and started asking everyone to replace their tray tables and anything that wasn't restrained. We were about to land.

I grabbed her shoulder again and asked her about Jared. She said that he was still in the lavatory but not to worry. He'd be okay if he stayed there during the landing.

I wasn't worried about him falling into the miniature toilet if that was what she thought. I was worried about our unfinished conversation. At this point my X-mas wish hadn't been fulfilled. There were so many things we needed to say to each other. Where were we? Are we going to get back together? Are we going to try to be friends? God, I needed that man back in my life. It was time for us to pick up the pieces and go forward with our lives. I was still having trouble with all of the pain and hurt he'd been carrying around with him.

I mean, I guess I always knew that I loved Jared. But it just came as such a surprise to me hearing the things he said and learning the real depth of the love he had for me. I just never thought that a man could love any woman that much, let alone me. I just couldn't stop thinking it over and over again in my mind. He really loved me. ME, plain, ordinary Audrey. My betrayal had hurt him far more than I ever suspected. All this time, I'd thought that I was the one who was hurting. Maybe us getting back together would be good for both of us. The spirit of Christmas was helping two people, not one.

The plane landed exactly on schedule. I looked past Jared's window seat and watched the ground come up as we landed. There in the parking lot as we flew over it, I thought I saw Jared's Mustang GT parked there. Beside me, that car was the only thing he loved.

As the plane rolled to a stop, the passengers who'd all been in a hurry to get on, resumed their impatience and scurried to get off. Jared still wasn't back from the bathroom and I had so much to say to him. Maybe we could continue our conversation over dinner.

I stayed in my seat as the passengers all got off. When the last person had left the plane, the flight attendant came over to me.

"You have to get off of the plane now, ma'am," she said.

I couldn't believe the bitch had the nerve to call me ma'am. She was acting like I was an old lady or like I was slow.

"I'm waiting for my friend to get out of the bathroom," I said. She looked at me with a really concerned expression on her face and sat down next to me. God damn it. It looked like she really cared.

"He never went to the bathroom," she said. There wasn't an ounce of malice or venom in her tone. She really was trying to be nice.

"He asked us to let him go to sit in the back," she continued. "I guess the things you two talked about were very painful for him. He was having trouble not crying. He asked to sit right by the rear door. That's why he took all of his things with him. We'd never have allowed him to take his briefcase and belongings into the lavatory. He was the first person off of the plane."

I was crushed. I started crying then, I just couldn't help myself. The flight attendant that I'd called all kinds of names the whole flight hugged me and rubbed my back. She let me cry all over her uniform. She sat there with me while I poured out the whole story of my relationship with Jared and how I'd cheated on him. She listened to me talk about how he'd found out and left me and how after a whole year apart I still couldn't face life without him.

It was profoundly funny how a woman that I thought hated me turned out to be the best friend I had when I needed her the most. I couldn't remember any of those quotes about the kindness of strangers, but I was sure they all applied.

Finally, when I got myself together, she smiled at me and told me that there was always tomorrow. After all, he'd never said that he didn't want to ever see me again and at least we were talking now. I also knew that he still worked in the same place, so I could find him.

I realized then that the things we had to work out were far more than we ever could do in one talk. But I had hope that someday, we could work them out.

As I stood up to leave, she smiled at me again and handed me the envelope she'd been holding.

"He told me to give this to you," she said.

She gave me a letter. It was in an envelope with the airline's logo on it. I looked at it cautiously. I turned it over in my hands as if seeing it from a different angle might change something.

"Hey," she said, as I walked out of the plane. "Have a Merry Christmas. And good luck, maybe it will be good news. You know how the magic of Christmas works."

I smiled back at her and nodded my head. The magic of Christmas was a good thing to consider. As I walked slowly through the airport, I saw one of those electronic signs that look like score boards. They give you all kinds of information on anything you'd want to know about your flight. This one was telling me that the luggage was just arriving at baggage claim for my flight. Apparently the flight had been on time but the luggage was late coming off the plane. I looked at my watch. Only seven minutes had passed since the plane landed. If I hurried, I could still catch Jared at the baggage claim.

I looked at a map of the airport. I'd flown in and out of this airport dozens of times so I knew where I had to go. I glanced at the map to see which baggage claim area I needed to go to.

I took off running as fast as my slightly flabby legs would carry me. An old man suddenly stopped right in front of me. He bent to look at something in his suitcase. I leaped OJ-like over the startled man and came down heavily on my right foot. It hurt like hell but I continued. The magic of Christmas may have indeed been active. Something was helping me.

As I rounded the last corner only slightly out of breath, I stopped and scanned the large room. Just as my eyes neared the exit I saw him. I saw him as clear as day. I could even make out the despair on his face. He grabbed one suitcase off of the luggage carousel and turned towards the exit.

Just as I drew in breath to shout his name, I saw his expression change. His face in that instant went from very sad to extremely happy. His eyes were focused on the doorway. He dropped the suitcase and opened his arms. They were the same arms that I so dearly missed having wrapped around me, holding my body in his loving embrace.

I knew in that instant that those arms were no longer mine and they never would be again. She was younger than either of us. She was probably only twenty six or twenty seven at most. She had long dark hair and that creamy Irish skin, with just a smattering of freckles. Her long thin arms and thin but curvaceous legs told me that normally she had a very nice body. Her boobs were huge but I was sure that was because of her condition.

She was very beautiful. But apparently she didn't care about things like that. All of that hair was casually tied to one side with a scrunchy. She was also very pregnant. She walked into Jared's arms like she belonged there. She acted as if my Jared was hers. He hugged her to himself as if his life depended on it and lifted her gently off the floor. She leaned her perfect chin up and their mouths meshed into one. He kissed her gently but intensely. She did that thing that women in movies did back in the forties. As she kissed him back, one of her legs folded up.

I let the breath I'd drawn in to shout his name whoosh harmlessly out. Instead of calling his name, it became a forlorn moan. I slumped back against the wall after deciding to wait until they'd gone to pick up my luggage.

She molded herself into his side as they walked out of the door. I hated that little bitch with a passion so intense it would make the sun seem like a fucking candle.

You know how they don't let you park at the curb at airports? Maybe it was because the little bitch was pregnant, but they let her. She threw Jared the keys to his Mustang GT and I saw them drive off a few moments later, after stowing his luggage in the car's miniscule trunk.

I watched the Mustang GT's dual three bar lights fade in the distance and with them went any hope of my Xmas wish coming true. The lump in my throat was so big that I was having trouble breathing. My eyes were wet from tears I had yet to shed and I knew that this cry was going to be a big one. I tried my best to compose myself because I really didn't want to break down in the airport and start bawling in front of a bunch of strangers who would only use my pain as something to talk about.

I could imagine them gathered around their dinner tables with their families, talking about the crazy old woman who sat there in the airport crying her eyes out for nothing.

As I shuffled into the baggage claim area the carousel was still running. There were only two suitcases still on it. One of them was mine. My ankle was beginning to really hurt. I got to the carousel just as my bag went by. I snatched at it and missed falling heavily to the floor. I heard a laugh from somewhere so I was sure that my athletic performance had been funny to someone. My ankle hurt even more. The bags went around in a huge circle and most of it was outside of the room, so I had to stand there and wait for the bag to go all the way around the circuit again.

When it came back around I grabbed it and walked out through the door towards the parking lot. I asked the bag check guy at the curb when the next shuttle would come through. He told me that I'd just missed one and would have to wait about twenty minutes for the next one.

I wasn't sure that I could keep it together for that long. So I decided to walk all the way to the parking lot.

"Merry Christmas, ma'am," he said cheerfully. His voice sounded like the one that had laughed when I fell on my ass reaching for my bag.

"Bah humbug," I replied, causing him to laugh again.

By the time I'd walked all the way to my car, my ankle was throbbing. I threw my suitcase in the back seat and got in. I started the motor and turned the heat and defrosters on. Sitting there in the darkness of the car as it warmed up, I finally let all of the feelings I'd been holding in go. I sobbed long and hard. I cried not only because the spirit of Christmas had fucking lied to me, but for the fact that I'd now truly lost the only man I'd ever loved.

My despair turned to anger after a while. I was pissed at the spirit of Christmas. I was pissed at Jared and I was pissed at that pregnant little cow who'd rubbed herself all over him in public.

All of this Christmas shit was for the birds. It never worked out this way in any of those movies. Yeah, I'll bet it's a wonderful fucking life.

I wiped my face and got ready to drive home. Before I put the car in gear, I spotted the envelope form Jared on the seat beside me. I picked it up and opened it. Two pages back and front of Jared's distinctive scrawl.

Jared as usual got right to the point. There was no opening salutation, he just mentioned my name so it was clear who he was talking to and launched into his points.

"Audrey, I'm sorry to do this to you, but after our conversation, I found myself in far too emotional a state to continue. In actuality we never even got to finish the conversation, but you told me too many things that required time and distance for me to process."

"The first thing that you need to understand is that walking away from you was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I had no choice though because what you'd done had left me devastated. I had no idea what I'd done to cause you to stop loving me, but I knew that it had to be an immense mistake for you to go that far."

"When we parted, I spent weeks in a cocoon of depression and despair, wondering why, among other things, you had never bothered to tell me the areas where I was so inadequate that you needed to seek solace in the arms of a man old enough to be your grandfather. Try as much as I could, I was unable to discern my problem. You always seemed to be happy when we were together and you always seemed to be fulfilled when we made love. I began to think that maybe you were just being nice to me or didn't want to hurt my feelings, so you looked for what you needed on the side."

"For a long time, I never thought that I should even try to find anyone else. I've always told you that my requirements in a mate were very rigorous and very unique. Look at how long it took me to find you. I always told you that it was like looking through a haystack and trying to find not only a needle, but a golden needle. I never thought that I'd find that again. I need a special type of woman. I need a woman who looks at me not with her eyes but with her heart. I was very sure that I'd go through the rest of my life alone, constantly reminded of what I'd once had and had lost."

"Imagine my surprise when I met Corinne. The reaction between us was very much like when I first met you. Of course, I was more cautious with her after what happened with us. But the bottom line is that I really didn't want to go through the rest of my life alone. I'm the kind of man who really is only happy when I have someone to love. As much as I tried to fight off my feelings for Corinne, they simply continued to grow. Within a few weeks we both knew that we were meant for each other."

"Audrey, Corinne is not a replacement for you. She's simply another chapter in the book of my life. Her chapter will hopefully last longer than yours did, but it won't be any better or any worse for that matter, just different."

"Speaking with you today brought back a lot of wonderful memories. I'm sure that had we not parted, we'd have grown old together and done all of the things we dreamed about and I'd have died a very happy man. But it simply wasn't meant to be. For a long time, I guess I'd forced myself not to even think about our time together or how or why it ended. I never for a second considered that it might not be my fault."

"Speaking with you today also angered me, because I lost what was until we parted, the most important thing in my life, for nothing. Audrey, unless you were lying to me today, there was never a reason for you to do what you did. Remember back when we were together and we talked to lots of couples who'd been married for longer than we had. All of them started out struggling just as we were. In their later years, they always looked back favorably on the times they did without. They always loved talking about the times when it was the two of them against the world. As you said, what you did got us our house in a shorter period of time, but it also ended our marriage. Thinking back on it now, I'd much rather have struggled for a few more years and still been together, than had you doing what you did and losing you."

"To be totally truthful, the information you gave me today was a huge weight off of my shoulders. I no longer have to worry about disappointing Corinne the way I thought I'd done you. I'm also more relieved, because Audrey, you couldn't have loved me the way I did you. The whole time that we were together the thought of being with someone else would have made me sick. It obviously didn't affect you that way since I now know that the old bastard I caught you with was neither the first, nor the only one."

"In closing, I'd like to begin by answering your original question. On the plane, you asked me 'how do I sleep?' You told me that you'd been having trouble sleeping since we parted. Well Audrey, so have I. I've been having trouble sleeping for about a year now. At first it was because I missed you so much. Then it was because I was so afraid of failing Corinne the way I thought that I'd failed you. Lately it's because sleeping with a very affectionate pregnant woman is awful. She constantly moves trying to find a comfortable position with the weight of her tummy pulling her to the side. At the same time if I move away from her, she tracks me down and wraps herself in my arms no matter how uncomfortable I am. Besides that though and with the new information you gave me today, I'm sure I'm going to sleep very well from now on. No matter how uncomfortable I may be, I'll be sleeping with a woman who loves me and grades our life not on how much money we have, but on the good times we have together and the way we treat each other."

"I bear you no bitterness, Audrey. And if you need closure or forgiveness, it is granted. I truly hope that you can move on with your life the way that I have. Talking to you lifted a lot of the guilt about our parting from me, because I now realize that it wasn't my fault at all. I've also realized that it was all in the past and none of it matters any more. Have a Merry Christmas, Audrey."

He hadn't even bothered to sign it. I read the letter again and folded it back into its envelope and drove home uneventfully.

I thought about his words all the way there. How the hell could I have let someone who loved me that much get away? Why was I angry at him? Jared hadn't done anything except everything he could for me the whole time we were together. It was my fault that we divorced, no one else's.