Yakima Ch. 11-12

Jess came into the bedroom and saw me gazing at my face in the mirror.

"You look good, Daddy. Just like you always did. When they fix your ear, you'll be perfect again," she smiled, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you, Sweetheart. That's good to know," I smiled and returned the kiss, my arm around her shoulder.

She was growing up, taller, slimmer, and prettier than a few months ago. She was going to look very much like her mother, I thought. I would have to watch out for the boys in future. She was fourteen now. Some of her schoolmates were sexually active, I learned. I knew Reese had had "the talk" with her, but I thought I had better think about what I wanted to say as well.

Matt was seventeen, driving the Focus to school and to his part-time job on the weekends. He was a supermarket box-boy and, while it wasn't anywhere near as interesting as his summer job, nor did it pay as well, he was happy to have the cash he earned. He had to keep the car in gas, have money for his dates with his new girlfriend, and other needs that came along.

Matt chose not to play football that fall. He wasn't quite big enough to make the first squad as a junior. He chose instead to join the track team to build up his stamina and used the weight room to maintain his strength. He was still growing, but like me, would probably top out near six foot, and weigh in about one-eighty. Plenty big enough for baseball, his first love.

Jess was now in her first year of high school and was on the freshman soccer team. She was slightly bigger than most on her team, and continued to play the back line, as she called it. Fullback was the official name, but she was the last line of defense on the field and she took her responsibilities seriously. She had learned to tackle thanks to a very patient instructor, and it had added to her skills. Like her brother, she loved to play and be around her teammates. I could see her on the first team varsity squad in the future.

I hadn't renewed my intention to move on from living in the house with either Reese or Ali. It had to come soon, since my ear surgery was scheduled in a week. When I knew what that involved as far as recovery went, I'd be forced to make a decision about my living in the townhouse. I wasn't looking forward to that conversation. The only firm decision I'd made was that it needed to be with both women at the same time and apart from the children. It would be difficult enough without being ganged up on by five people.

The final surgery was in early October, this time in a hospital surgery. Dr. Sylvan did the work and I was under a general anesthetic for the operation. It was strange. I lay on a gurney, the anesthetist fitted a tube into my arm, asked me to count backwards from ten, and it was over. I think I might have got to nine, but the next thing I knew I was awake and could feel a bandage on my ear, but nothing else unusual at all. I didn't seem to have any after-effects from the anesthetic.

"There we are, Mr. Rideout. One new fender on the ear and you're as good as new," Dr. Sylvan joked with a smile. "Everything went as we expected. You'll be keeping the bandage on for the next week, then we'll have a look and make sure everything is healing the way we want it to."

"Good to hear," I croaked, my throat feeling dry. "I'm anxious for this to be over with. I'd like to look in the mirror and see who I used to be. So far, I'm really happy with the results."

"I'm pleased that you're satisfied," he smiled, as a nurse and the doctor helped me to my feet. Surprisingly, I wasn't at all wobbly ... the way I expected to feel. I was assisted to a wheelchair and whisked out of the surgery and down the hall to a cubicle where I found my clothes and a nurse. She left me with an envelope with my wallet and change. I wore no rings and Ali had the car keys. She would be waiting for me in the waiting room. After I'd signed out, we headed for her car.

"One more visit and it should be over, Ali," I said as we pulled out of the parking lot heading for I-90.

"That must be a big relief, especially the way your face turned out," she smiled as she drove along.

"It is. I didn't have a lot of hope that it would be anywhere near as good as it is, so I'm really happy with it. I feel like I'm getting back to something resembling normal again."

"What do you mean ... normal?"

"I'm sure you must have noticed I haven't been exactly a happy-go-lucky personality in the last while," I said.

She turned and looked at me before resuming her concentration on her driving. "Yes ... but we made allowances for it."

"What does that mean?" I asked, guessing I already knew the answer.

"We knew you were upset about the damage to your body ... particularly your face," she said. "I could see the worry that you would never look quite right again and that bothered you."

"True. That was on my mind for a while. But ... this past year has been really hard on me, Ali. The discovery and the divorce. Moving out of my home and sharing the kids. The accident and my recovery. It was more stress than I could ever remember."

"And where do I fit in?" she asked, glancing at me.

"In the middle of this whole thing. Right after the divorce and before the accident, along comes Allison Bledsoe and throws everything into turmoil. Everything I thought I knew about myself and what I was going to do with myself in the future went out the window on New Year's Eve. Confusion and uncertainty mixed with lust and maybe love."

"Is that good or bad?" she asked, her brow wrinkled as she drove.

"I don't know," I said uncertainly. "I'm not sure. I'm not sure where I'm at right now. At first I was worried about my physical health. That's mostly behind me now. But I also began to worry about my mental health a while ago. I haven't said anything to you or anyone else in the family, but I've been seeing a psychologist. Someone who can help me understand how to deal with what's going on in my life."

"Really?" she said, her eyes wide with surprise as she turned her head to stare at me.

"Yeah. I'm glad I did. It helped. Most of my problems were from stress. All the shit that fell on me in the last year. I was coping, but only just. Trying to figure out where you come into the picture is hard. There are times when I'm sure I'm in love with you, and there are times when I wonder how that could be. We hardly know each other in some ways, but you have had a big effect on me. I wish I could tell you where I'm at right now. I wish I knew."

We rode in silence for a while and I could tell Ali was trying to absorb what I had told her.

"You're going to move back to your townhouse, aren't you," Ali said after a while.

"Yes. I need some alone time. I'm probably going to take a vacation on my own for a couple of weeks. I've got budget meetings coming up and if I don't take the time soon, I won't be able to. I need to get my head straight. When I get back, you and I will talk about the future. That's if you still feel we might have a future."

"I wish I could go with you ... but ... that's not what you want, is it?" she said quietly.

"No ... I need some space and time to think about what I want for myself. Matt will be off to college in the not-too-distant future, and Jess won't be far behind. I'll be forty-two this December. Half my life is gone and I want to be sure that whatever I decide, I'll be satisfied and happy with it."

I'd been staring out the side window as I talked, but I turned and looked at Ali. I saw tracks of tears on her cheeks. I didn't know what to do about that. Should I tell her not to worry? Should I tell her that it will be all right? I said nothing. We spent the rest of the drive in silence.

~*~

There was something about Ali's reaction to my comments in the truck that was bothering me. Not a worrisome bother, but a nagging feeling that I wasn't properly interpreting what I was seeing. No one was home when we arrived at the house. The children were all in school and Reese was at work. We had plenty of time before we had to pick up Jack at his school.

"I'll go get Jack," Ali said. "You stay here and relax. I won't be long."

I could tell by her tone that Ali was upset with our conversation on the way home. Maybe more correctly, she was upset with my comments about my doubts and concerns. I wasn't trying to let her down or walk away from her. I only wanted to try and make her understand how mixed up I was feeling. So much pressure and so many decisions to make. None of them were small or inconsequential.

I walked into the bedroom, took off my shoes, laid back on the bed and within a few minutes I was asleep.

I awakened when little Jack was by the bed, his hands on my arms, looking at me.

"Hi, Jack," I said groggily. "How was school today?"

"Okay. Are you all right. You were sleeping when it was afternoon. Does your ear hurt?"

I'd forgotten my bandaged ear temporarily until the dull ache reminded me of the recent surgery. I must have been sleeping on my back, since I'm sure rolling onto my right side the way I normally sleep would have produced enough pain to wake me.

"A little bit," I said with a smile. His first thought was whether I was in pain and it reminded me just how nice this young boy was. "I'll be okay pretty soon. Just one more visit to get the stiches out and I'll be good as new."

"I'm glad. Do you know why Mum is sad?" he asked.

"No. Did she say she was sad?"

"No. She just looks sad," he said, a worried frown on his face.

"Well, I'll find out. Don't you worry about it, Jack. I'll tickle her and make her happy, okay?"

He smiled. "Yeah. Tickle her. She always laughs when I tickle her."

Jess and Matt were home from school, both ensconced in their rooms. I greeted them both and gave them the short version of my surgery and then headed downstairs to where I thought Ali might be. I assumed she would be in the kitchen beginning preparations for tonight's supper. That's where I found her.

"I was sent down here to tickle you," I announced as I wrapped my arms around her.

She laid her head back on my shoulder and once again I could see tracks of previous tears. Something was bothering her and I had a pretty good idea of what it might be.

"What's the problem, Ali? Jack says you look sad and I can see you have shed some tears. Talk to me."

"I'm afraid. I'm afraid you're pulling away from me. I'm afraid that I might lose you," she confessed.

"No ... not going to happen," I said. "I just need some breathing room, Sweetheart. There is only one woman in my life right now and that's you. You aren't in competition with anyone."

"When you call me Sweetheart, everything seems to be all right. I'm trying to be a big girl, Grime. I know I've been very aggressive with you. That was stupid of me, but I was so ... so ... taken by you, that I couldn't help myself. You are everything that Pete wasn't. When I see you with Jackie, I just get warm all over. He loves you almost as much as I do. Please don't give up on us ... please."

"I don't give up easily, Ali. You'll just have to be patient with me for a little while longer. If I'm going to make another life-long commitment, then ... well ... you know what I'm thinking. I've got to be sure in my head that I have no doubts about us or our future."

"Grime, surely you know I would never do what Reese did to you. I've been through that myself. I know the pain and I know the mess it makes of your life. It's the thing we have in common. I love you, Grime. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. I would never do anything to jeopardize that."

I had wrapped her in my arms as we spoke. I didn't know how to respond to her declaration of love. I was close to believing I was in love with her as well, but I needed certainty. I was saved by the front door and Reese's arrival from work. I could defer more conversation with Ali for a bit longer.

~*~

I took a couple of days before the timing was right for my conversation with Ali and Reese together. It was a Saturday afternoon and Jack was visiting with his grandmother, while Matt was out with his friends and Jess was at Mindy's. It was a cool, rainy afternoon and both women were curled up on the sofa watching some movie. I waited for a commercial interruption before I sat down.

"Reese, Ali, I wanted to talk to both of you together. I want to tell you how grateful I am for all you've done for me after the accident. You made my recovery so much better than it might have been. But in a week or so, I'm going to be completely healed and it's time for me to go back to my regular life. When I come back from Seattle, I'm going to move back into my townhouse. I've imposed on you enough, Reese, and while I really enjoyed being with Jess, Matt and Jack each day, I need to restore my routine and our agreement"

The look of despair on Reese's face was immediately evident. I was pretty sure she thought there was still hope that I would remain in our home and that there was an outside chance that she might win me back. This was no surprise to Ali, since I had already told her of my plan, but it was interesting that she had not shared it with Reese.

"I'm going on vacation for a couple of weeks in a few days. I need a break and I need to get away from here temporarily to have some time to think. When we resume the custody agreement, Reese, you can take the first two weeks I'm away, then I'll pick up the next two weeks. Ali already knows of this, so she and Jack won't likely be here every night. I'm going to practice my limited cooking skills on them and, if I don't poison them, I might get better," I grinned.

I saw Ali smile for the first time in a while. Reese, however, looked disconsolate.

"You don't have to go, Graham," she said sorrowfully. "This is your home. You can live here even if we aren't married."

I recognized her desperate plea.

"No, Reese. My future isn't here in this home. It may not be in that townhouse either. Our time is over. We'll both be involved with our children, but our time together is over."

I tried to be as gentle as I could, but I knew what I said hurt my former wife. I had guessed correctly that she had hoped we would reconcile and that all would be forgiven. It was never going to happen, but telling her that was very difficult for me to say and her to accept. This time it was Reese whose tears were evident. Ali wasn't smiling, but I detected a look of both sympathy and relief.

I had accomplished what I set out to do. It wasn't a discussion that led to a debate. It was the announcement of a decision I had made and wasn't about to retract. Neither woman liked it, but it was harder on Reese than it was on Ali. Ali still held out hope that we were going to be together in the future. I was certainly leaning in that direction, but I wanted to be sure in my heart when I made the decision.

~*~

When the bandage was removed and the sutures taken out, I looked at my reconstructed ear. I was used to the look of the discoloration, so I wanted to see beyond that how it might look in a week or so. I was satisfied. It might not be perfect and it might not be exactly the same as my left ear, but it was close enough and I could ask for no more.

I had driven to Seattle on my own and I was glad that I didn't have to make conversation on the way home. Home was once again my two story townhouse. Ali would meet me there after her work and "Grams" would look after Jack while we spent some intimate time together.

~*~

"I'll drive you to the airport," Ali said as we lay together in bed a week after my Seattle trips had ended.

"Thanks," I said. "It's an early flight so that I can make my connection to Florida."

"Yeah ... a Caribbean cruise. All those hot looking, bikini clad women running around tempting you. I'm very suspicious of your intentions, Grime," she said, poking me lightly in the chest.

"Yes ... I'm sure I'll be tempted. I don't know if I'll be strong enough to resist," I teased.

"You could always take me with you to help keep your virtue intact," she tried tentatively.

"I appreciate the offer, but this time ... it's just me. Sorry, but don't worry. I'm not looking for anything new. I just want some quiet time for myself. I'm sure that sounds selfish, but ... well ... it's what I need."

"You'd be surprised at just how much I do understand. When you reminded me of all the things that have happened to you in the last year, I was ashamed at how much pressure I'd put on you. I was the one being selfish. I saw someone who I was immediately attracted to and I wanted him before anyone else had a chance. I'm sorry, Grime. I didn't mean to put all that on you."

"It's okay, Ali. I understand. We're both from busted relationships. I can imagine that if I was still single five years from now and I found an attractive woman that I was compatible with, I might be in just as big a hurry. I'm not looking for someone else, I can promise you that. I need to get my head straight and think about the future. I hope you understand."

"I do. I should have been more aware of all this piling up on you. I'll be here when you get back ... remember that."

"I know. I'll remember."

Ali dropped me off at the Yakima airport in time for my six am flight to Seattle, where I changed to a non-stop to Fort Lauderdale. I would arrive in Florida before six pm that afternoon. I'd never been to Florida and was interested in seeing some of it for a day or so before my ship departed. I was to be aboard the Norwegian Sun for ten days, making five island stops along the way. I splurged and booked a balcony cabin, giving me a view and some daylight in the cabin.

~*~

I'd never been on a cruise ship before and this one was more than big enough for me. It was like a floating city and I studied the deck layout to see where things were. There were at least ten places to eat, a shopping arcade, exercise center, Internet café, casino, theatre ... well, you get the picture. It was self-contained and, for a price, your every whim could be catered to. I was located on deck 8, with the entertainment, shopping area and dining rooms all below me, while the exercise room and other features were on the decks above.

I wondered if the cruise and the facilities would live up to my expectations based on the glowing promises on the company's brochures and website. I had pledged that I would not shortchange myself on this vacation. It was being paid for by a reckless young man with a pickup truck who had caused me a great deal of pain and discomfort. When the cruise ended, I would be flying to Washington, D.C., to see the capital and especially the Smithsonian. From there it was home, after fifteen days away.

The vacation was everything I had hoped for and more. The weather cooperated, the service aboard the ship was excellent, and the ports of call were interesting, each unique in their own way. I got a nice tan lounging on the upper deck, carefully protecting my face, of course. I worked out first thing each morning in the exercise room, ogled the skimpily clad young and not-so-young women, gambled sparingly in the casino, ate too often but not too much, and walked and taxied around the islands to see the sights and enjoy the total change in scenery and lifestyle.

I met several people, mostly couples, and made some new friends. As a single, I was an object of curiosity. Why would a man of my age be on a cruise ship alone? More than once I was offered an introduction to a single woman, but turned them down politely. It wasn't the reason I was on the cruise. I tried to explain what this vacation was all about, but I'm not sure the people who asked really understood ... or cared.

I used the Internet café to keep in touch with Jess, Matt, Ali, and Jack. I had my little digital camera and took plenty of pictures, sending many of them back to Yakima with my daily notes. I got some fun return emails from both the children and Ali. They were envious and wanted to know when they could go on a cruise as well. I had already given that some thought. If Ali and I were going to be together, then a cruise with Jack, Jess and even Matt would work well. They were expensive, but now was the time to splurge a little while I could afford it.