All Comments on 'The Day It Rained'

Very nice thoughts and progression - but would be better without the rhyme.

You tell a really nice story of lost love via the walk and roses - then thoughts on others' lives on the way back. Subtle thinking - and thank goodness, no self pity.

Unfortunately, I think the rhyme gives it a somewhat tum-ti-tum feel that is at odds with what is being said.

I look forward to reading more poems by you.

I start with the title. The complete title is better than the partial one. Also, I disagree that it would be better without the rhyme. I tend to dislike end rhyme, but yours are worked in so that it is more of an internal or off rhyme. You could improve this poem by changing a few words here and there, and some paring would help. But I enjoyed it. The story drew me in, the subject is more important than the set-up of the poem. I look forward to reading you in the future ! :)

( I like the idea of feeling sorry for the roses. )

I like your poem in general. I think you're telling an interesting story, and there are several lines that catch my attention. For example:

s1, l2: "I was on the way to see my love"

(Sets the scene.)

s2, l5: "It made me feel sorry for the roses

And the role they were to play,

Their beautiful lives were wasted

And thoughtlessly tossed away."

(Something beautiful and created for joy was wasted and tossed away. He felt sorry.)

s3, l4: "how much a life can change in just one day."

(He notices that all has changed.)

s3, l11: "There could be tears

From some saddened-eyed dreamers

Who go to sleep with their hearts of stone.

Though they dream their dreamers' dreams

They always seem to wake up alone."

(His thoughts on what has happened.)

I think the above sentences are the "meat" of your poem. Now, what I would ask you is this: how can you get to the meat with fewer words?

I am asking you this because I think you could improve the pacing. In specific, I would drop the rhymes. I feel like you have jammed in some sentences to keep your chosen format of rhyming. I think you should free yourself from the rhymes and condense your message into a shorter, more powerful poem. Remove sentences you don't need, then remove the words you don't need from the sentences that you've been left with.

Each person reads things differently, but think about the flow of the words. Why are you rhyming these words in such a neat format, and giving them emphasis?

A good poem; I just feel you can improve some things. All the above is just my humble opinion.