All Comments on 'With Friends'

Is one of my favorite places. Those people love their town, pound for pound, no one loves such desolate space anywhere else on earth. I'll give this a 4/5 as a whole, fairly sloppy, probably wrote it all in a few hours.

that is the problem I have with you, your comments are vague, ill conceived and always wtth that air...which would be OK, except for the effrontery of you to make an issue of mine.

No, it took me more than I few hours to just type and submit it. And I see the format didn't quite take.

Some of the sloppiness is studied. I always see a few things that could be changed.

And as for the "few hours", charge, how many here could I make that claim against, including yours?

No I edit, I reconstruct. Parts took a mere few minutes, as I am sure is true of yours. Why, previous practise.

Poetry is not in just the ear, nor the eye, always in the head. I know that.

To your credit, a 4, for something deliberately conceived and written to offend your sense of what poetry is all about. I'll accept that.

I'd give it a 5, for the internal progressions.

"in clearly defined days" should read "in clearly defined lines", that is a fatal error, it crept in during editing (ironically), in my shift from the macro to the micro., change removes an important cue

"or Billy's sisters after the mailman died" should read "or biily's sisters wailin..." minor, micro, as opposed to fatal, major

pan to a bunch of aged a-holes singing "American Pie" shold be italized, of a little more importance.

as always, I'm sure there are others, but it is that fatal one that bothers me

A rating of 3.67? No way.

Five.

I love this sort of stuff and would buy it. As to whether it is good poetry as in "Good Poetry", I'm not sure and don't really care. It comes across as punkish but with too much knowingness and due consideration to actually be punk.

OK. A rather pointless comment but I've been trying to focus on the poems faults and shortcomings but I think if you subtract them, whatever you decide they are, you subtract from the poem.

I don't know if you dismiss this sort of stuff but if you do, you shouldn't. I have a pet theory that poetry like painting can improve with chance mistakes and not being overly worked.

though falling asleep at the keyboard - NOT down to your writing

i see how lines and days change things up quite a bit - both work, but the mood changes considerably when i substitute the correct 'lines'.

i will come back to this when i'm awake, 12oh. it'd be unfair to comment further right now. as for the sloppiness, i read it as quite engineered and it feels right considering the voice of the narrator.

broken down ....

A bag of chips - -

the sunlight sharpens things

brings shit into focus

have some student cut off your penis

and wave it around like a wand

to the soggy grey and green of new buds on the trees

maybe I should of been a poet

'cause I see these things

and the language.. it all just seem to fit... at least it did for me!

What the tadpole saw --

eh it was ok... the last two lines I liked

My hand Controller shakes on its own --

I liked it all

accept the last line

didn't seem to fall inline

with the rest of the rhyme

A game of mumblety - peg

The words were musical

the singer however,

seemed a bit off key

Rotten Epilog --

I like this ending

I bet that doesn't surprise you

Alternate Ending --

in a word... CHEEKY

an attribute to your style of writing.

The contrast of comparison...unique... I like it.

Inside you are this...outside you are that...meld into reality is your work, outwardly projected.

Very nice, hit 5

i never got to see this but glad i stumbled across it now.

something worth chewing on, youpicked me up and dropped me right into the body of this, twelve, just like the best writing always does . . . the rest disappears and it's all about what's happening, what's being said, felt

oh man, fish in a can and billy's a jerk off

was so tired i forgot. my brain does that sometimes and i can only ever apologise x