A Tale Of Many Mistakes Ch. 03

I suddenly realized that my outburst had been as much a sign that I was jealous of all the women fawning over him as it was a lack of attraction to him.

I know now that it was a defining moment where I could have chosen to talk with Kieran and work together with him to help me feel better. Instead, I chose to date Xavier and started lying to Kieran. I felt slightly guilty then, but I still met Xavier every two or three months, each time I had the blues of getting older.

I felt guilty now for my betrayal of Kieran and guilty for the harm to Kieran and our family.

I felt guilty for all the hurt I caused. I still had a faint hope for us, but I knew better. I sincerely wished that I had not wounded Kieran, the lovely man that I adore. I felt guilty knowing that I probably crushed something in him that might affect him for the rest of his life. His life without me!

I am not the kind of woman to make excuses, to try to coat a terrible situation with a web of artificial and tenuous reasoning. I wanted Kieran back in my life, but I found no way to reach that goal. Nothing I could say, no apologies could achieve that.

Personally, if I had learned that Kieran was doing what I had done, he would have spent a few days in the hospital. But that's not the way of my gentle Kieran.

I will not give up. If Kieran can be a willful person, so can I. I will never give up!

That morning before the meeting with Kieran and his lawyer, I spent an hour in front of my mirror trying to cover the black areas under my eyes to no avail. I looked old and awful.

I met my lawyer in the lobby of a downtown hotel. A neutral ground! We were going to a conference room to meet Kieran and his lawyer. My stomach was in a knot. A bit more stress and I swear I would throw up right then and there at the door. My lawyer took me by the elbow, said a few comforting words then opened the door.

I first saw a pretty young female, a brunette in her 30's sitting at the table in the room. Then I saw Kieran. He was pale, extremely pale, looking a bit sick. He didn't glance our way, he just stared out the window. I had an urge to go to him, take him in my arms, kiss him all over and tell him how much I loved him. I took a step in his direction, but both lawyers stopped that impulse. My lawyer had a firm grip on my elbow, and his lawyer simply raised her hand in a classic stop sign.

Guided by my lawyer, I sat across from Kieran and his lawyer. She spoke first.

"Mister Brown, Mrs. O'Malley, we are meeting today as part of an agreement that stipulates that you have the chance to talk to your husband, and that you will then sign the divorce papers and testimony agreed upon. Are we clear on that?"

Before I could think of an answer, my lawyer answered. "It is as agreed. Furthermore, I reviewed..."

While the two lawyers made sure to convince us that our big bucks were well spent, I looked at Kieran. Not once did he look toward me. Like the last two months, his complete rejection of me felt like melted lead poured on my soul - heavy and burning to the core. The man I loved above all, despite what I did, that man clearly showed me that I was nothing to him anymore, a sore memory. Tears flooded my eyes, I looked at my handsome Kieran, knowing the world of hurt I had put on him, knowing that something that shouldn't be touched was irrevocably broken.

My lawyer finally turned toward me: "You have the floor Eileen."

Despite all my preparation and rehersals, I wasn't ready. The sight of Kieran reopened wounds. I was overwhelmed by a rush of guilty feelings, of unanswered love, of a need to be understood, to apologize, and to put all that madness behind us. Refraining from crying, I took a good long slow breath.

" Kieran, I... I know you will not believe me, but I love you. You mean the world to me. I don't want to loose you Kieran. I don't care about our retirement plans, about our investments, about our house. All I want is for you to find it in yourself to forgive me, to continue to love me and let me love you. Just to let me love you..."

I had to take a long and deep breath or I would be losing it.

"Kieran, I take full responsibility for what happened over the last two months. It was my fault. I made a mistake. A terrible mistake! I should have trusted you. I should have shared with you what was happening to me..."

At that moment, Kieran finally looked at me. My heart skipped a few beats. His look was so charged with hatred that I was disoriented for a while. I was in unknown territory. Never in our 22 years together had Kieran showed such an emotion toward me or any other human being for that matter. I took another deep breath.

"Oh Kieran, I love you so much, I hurt to know how deeply I wounded you. I... I made a terrible mistake... a stupid mistake. I am not even sure exactly why I did it. The best I can come up with is what you went through at 40. Your mid-life crisis! I was feeling old. I was getting old. Gray hair appearing, wrinkles harder to hide, talking like old folks planning our retirement... all that made me try to be younger again, to feel young, to feel desirable. I still love you and I should have shared those feelings with you. That was one of my mistakes... The other mistake is that I hid it from you. I went on my own to solve my problem. I took a young lover. Now that I look back, it is so petty, so small compared to what we have -- you and me. Fuckin' gray hair! Kieran, please believe me when I say that I love you more than my life. Please, forgive me!... Please... Kieran I love you. Give me a chance to love you, to make it up to you... I will take your hate and live with it, if it means that I can live with you. Please Kieran..."

His face had changed over the last minutes. From pale, he had become red-faced and his eyes were filled with tears. He looked my way for a few seconds, as though waiting for more. I had nothing left in me except to repeat how much I loved him, how much I missed him and that I was only half a person without him.

Then, he plunged a knife in my heart. He turned toward his lawyer, whispered a few words and left the room without looking at me. I could see his face crumbling and knew he was near tears.

"Well, our part of the bargain is done!" his lawyer said. She pushed some papers toward our side of the table and said: "Now, it's your part of the bargain, please sign where I put the little arrows."

I jumped from my seat.

"But he didn't say anything. He didn't ask any questions."

"Sorry to break the news to you", said his lawyer with a quick glance at my lawyer, "but the deal was for you to talk to him then to sign the divorce papers. Not for him to talk to you or argue with you or whatever you had in mind... I am sorry to be the one to tell you this but his decision is final. He will not talk to you again, if he can help it. He wants you out of his life. Sign here please"

Tearful, unable to talk, I turned toward my lawyer.

"Sorry Eileen, I didn't think he would take our agreement so literally and refuse to talk with you. But indeed, we simply agreed that you would talk to him."

Without being able to read anything among the tears flooding my eyes and dripping on the divorce papers, I signed.