A Town Without Honor Ch. 02

"I will. Not just yet, but soon, I think. I miss the kids something fierce."

"You miss your wife. Admit it."

I chuckled. "I do. I miss the wife I had, not the cheating slut who's waiting there for me."

"They're one and the same, unfortunately. She's my daughter, Honor. Please don't call her a cheating slut to me. Cheater is bad enough."

"Sorry, Carol. You're right. That was uncalled for. I'm still a little angry, I guess. Maybe I should take some more time. I still can't believe it, you know. I thought she loved me."

"She does. I don't think we'll ever understand what was going through her head. She's driving forty miles a day, each way, twice a week, to have some asshole with an advanced degree try to help her understand herself, and what you did to cause this. I could wring the bastard's neck."

I laughed. "It's what they do. Nobody's responsible for their own actions anymore, right? She cheated; I must have been the reason. My sister certainly seems to think it's all my fault. Let them blame me, I'm not guiltless. I did leave her alone. I only wish I'd known that getting on a plane made her clothing fall off and her legs spread wide. I would have taken a train or a boat."

She chuckled. "It's nice to hear you joke. I'm sorry; I don't know what we did wrong. I would never have thought this was possible."

"It's not your fault, Carol. You and Dave were great parents. This is all on her. And me, I guess."

"Not you. You did nothing wrong. I think everyone understands that now. Promise me you won't be much longer. I can't leave until you get here, and Dave's getting tired of frozen dinners and Denny's."

"Soon. I wanted to do a lot more things, but I guess I'll pass for now. I'm young. They'll still be there for a while."

"You're a good man, Honor. I know you'll do the right thing. We'll all be here waiting."

I'll do the right thing. That's what Dad had said. I couldn't help but think that was part of what got me in this mess.

"Soon, Carol. Give the kids my love."

* * *

It was a three day jaunt. While in the Caymans I did the swim with the stingrays, and put my new PADI scuba license to use. I also opened two new accounts, transferred some of my funds, and deposited my patent check. I wouldn't have to worry about money for a while.

I flew back to Miami, opened a new bank account, and transferred in several hundred thousand dollars. The IRS would insist on its blood money. I rode back to New York, stopping for three days in D.C. to tour the museums, see the monuments, and visit Arlington Cemetery. I wondered if it would be possible to have a gravestone made for my marriage. Lost in the line of duty. Then I was off to the lawyers and my CPA. My taxes were going to be a mess.

I texted Carol. I had a new phone, an over-sized android thing, almost as big as a paper-back. That and one of those 12" android tablets, which kept me connected to the world. Better than a laptop. "Soon," was all I wrote.

I was two days putting the taxes in order, and wrote out a check, getting that monkey off my back. It wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. Then again, I was paying my people a hell of a lot of money to protect it for me.

It had only been around six weeks, but it seemed like an eternity. I'd lost a few pounds if my belt notches were to be believed, and hadn't shaved or had a hair cut in all that time. I was definitely looking scrubby. No longer the tidy, well-dressed President and CEO. I looked like I belonged on the back of my hog.

I rode into town and headed for the diner. I was a little surprised nobody recognized me. It was nice to be a stranger, and eat in peace. After lunch, I visited my cousin Bev at her real-estate office. She greeted me like a piece of dirt that had come in on the bottom of her shoe. It felt great. "I want a small place. Close to downtown. Three bedrooms and at least a two car garage. I'll buy, and I'll pay cash."

I was no longer a piece of dirt. Diamond was more like it. She showed me five places. She was right. The first one was the best. I made a full price offer if I could take immediate possession. It was empty and the owners were eager. They weren't even related to me, at least not directly. A nice unexpected bonus.

Somewhere after the fourth house, and between the final agreement, Bev started looking at me funny. We were sitting down, filling out the papers, when she looked up suddenly. "Honor?"

I grinned. "Yes, Bev?"

"Jesus, Honor! Everyone's been worried sick about you! Where have you been?"

"Around. Getting my head on straight. I went for a ride. Took a little longer than it probably should have, a lot less time than I thought it would."

"Are you really back? For good? You're going to fix everything aren't you?"

"I'm back. I'm not sure how long, but I am buying a house. As for fixing things, I don't know."

She smiled. "You're back. That's all that matters for now. I know you'll do the right thing, you always do."

The right thing. Sure. "We'll see," was all the assurance I'd give her. The truth was, I was bone tired of always doing what others considered the right thing.

By 7:00 pm, I had handed over $5000 in earnest money, and took the keys to the house. The contracts would be completed in a few days. I knew the phone lines would be buzzing, so I made the call.

"Hello? Honor is that you?"

"Hi, BB. I'm back in town."

"Where are you? Why aren't you here?"

"Where's here?" I asked.

"Our house. Come home, Honor. Please."

"I can't yet. I'd like to visit, though. I'd like to see my kids."

"Of course. Whenever you want. Now is good. They'll be up for at least another hour."

"No. Tomorrow is fine. When is a good time?"

"I go to the office at eight in the morning. You can have them all day if you want. Mom is here with me, so you can stop by any time. I'd like to see you if you don't mind."

"I think I'd like that too. We do need to talk."

"Stay for dinner?"

"Sounds nice. I have some things I need to do in the morning, but I can stop by after lunch if you'll let your mother know."

"That would be perfect. Thank you so much. I ... I love you. I hope you don't mind me saying that."

"No. I don't mind. I love you too. Our lives are a mess, aren't they?"

I could hear her crying. "I know. I hate it. I fucked everything up so bad. You're going to fix things, aren't you?"

"I don't know yet. I'm not sure about anything. But I do want to see you."

"Have you called your mother? She's not doing well."

"No. Not yet. I'm not ready for that confrontation. Maybe soon."

She was quiet a moment. "Say something else, Honor. Anything."

I laughed. "What?"

"Talk. Speak to me. Tell me something. What you did. Where you went. Who you slept with, anything. I just want to hear your voice."

"I missed you, BB. I did lots of things I'd always wanted to do. Things that I thought we'd do together. I did them alone. It gave me lots of time to think, but I hated the fact that you weren't there with me like you should have been. Your actions cost us that. I'm not accusing you; I'm just trying to let you know what I was feeling. Everything I did, I thought about how it wasn't the same without you to share it with. I didn't sleep with anybody. I'm a married man. I would never do that. You of all people should know that."

"I know, honey. But we're legally separated. I thought you might use that. I wouldn't blame you."

"Is that why you think I got the separation? So I could get even? Sleep with women up and down the eastern seaboard?"

"No. But it's been over a month. Maybe you'd meet someone. Before you ask, I didn't. Meet anyone that is, or sleep around. I won't make that mistake again."

"I wasn't going to ask," I told her.

"God, I love hearing your voice. You sound better. You were so angry before."

"I was. That's why I had to get away. I'm not totally over it, but I think I'm better."

"I understand. I didn't at first. Dad finally spoke to me last week. He sounds like you did. I think I hurt him pretty bad."

"You were his perfect little angel. You were always Daddy's girl."

"Until I became Honor's girl."

I laughed. "You were his girl before you were mine. And you'll always be his. I would never begrudge him that. He'll forgive you."

"Will you, Honor? Forgive me?"

"I'll try. I could say the words, but in my heart, it wouldn't be true, and I never want to lie to you. Even if I could forgive you, it wouldn't make things right, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over what you've done to us. I don't know how to regain the trust, respect or loyalty. We can never get the faithfulness back, that's gone for good."

"I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't keep repeating it. It sounds stupid even to me. I can't help myself. I'm sorry, Honor. I love you. Tell me you love me again."

"I love you, BB. I always have. I'll never love anyone else like I loved you. I don't know if that's enough. But we have to start somewhere."

"Bring me something of yours tomorrow. Please?"

"Something?"

"Something that smells like you. I didn't do your laundry once you left. I would sleep with your clothing, so I could smell you, but the clothing doesn't smell like you anymore. I could close my eyes, and pretend that you were there, that everything was going to be okay. It's not working. I can't sleep at all. Bring me something. The shirt you're wearing now. Something. Pretty please?"

"I don't have much. I buy new clothes when the old ones get dirty, and just throw those away."

"Oh no! God, that's terrible! I would have paid anything to have you send those home. That's so cruel."

"I need to go, BB. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Just a little longer? Please? Tell me you love me. Tell me you'll try to forgive me. Remind me of how we were. Do you remember taking me out when you were going to college? I was fourteen, just an ignorant little girl, and you treated me like a woman. Do you remember that first time we slept together, in my parent's house? I snuck into your bed. You held me and kissed me. Not a friendly kiss. A lover's kiss. I knew then. I had always dreamed, but I knew that night. You were going to be mine. Do you remember?"

"I remember everything. I've gone over it a thousand times in my head. That first night, when I knew I loved you, and that I always would. When I took you to prom and my world changed forever. When we got married, and you bragging the next day why we were late. I remember it all. Sadly, I still remember some other things. Horrible things. Those memories just won't go away. They give me nightmares almost every night."

"You love me, though." She said it anxiously.

"Yes. I love you. I hope someday I can honestly say I forgive you. I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow."

"Dream of me tonight, Honor. A good dream. No more nightmares. I forbid you. Dream of our honeymoon or our first time. Dream of our noon lunches, fooling around in your office when I worked for you."

"I'll try. Kiss the kids goodnight for me."

"Do you have to go?"

"For now. I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight, BB."

"Goodnight Honor. Thank you for this. I ... it helps. I needed it."

* * *

I spent the morning shopping for furniture. I had an empty house that needed filling. I grabbed a sales person and walked through the warehouse, pointing. In less than an hour, I had two bedrooms, the living room and dining room outfitted. For a usurious fee, it would be delivered during the day. I signed the papers, gave the surprised salesman a key, and told him to have the delivery guys put it anywhere that seemed reasonable.

He was a little weird about everything but came up with a reasonable solution. He called a home decorator who agreed to take the delivery, and fill in the rest as needed for another outrageous fee. LuAnne was quite confident in her ability to make the place presentable. She was a take charge girl, asking about bedding, linens, kitchen utensils, dishes and cutlery, all the day-to-day items I'd need.

"I'll need three days," she said. "I'll start today with the basics, and get your feedback. I'll leave some catalogs you can browse to get your tastes. By the day after tomorrow, I'll have you setup." She giggled adorably. "I love these kinds of projects. Will you allow me to use you as a reference, and get some shots of the before and after?"

"Sure," I told her. "Free rein. I don't need anything too fancy, but I like comfortable. One bedroom is off limits, as is the garage. Other than that, go ahead and do what makes sense."

"Budget? Ballpark?"

"Hell if I know. What would something like this usually cost?"

"Without original art, antiques, or any specialty items, we can probably do most everything for under twenty grand."

Like I said, outrageous. But hell, it's only money. "Make it nice. Top end of forty thousand sound reasonable? Do I have to front you, or give you a deposit?"

"You have a credit card number I can use? That will take care of ninety percent."

I did, and I gave it to her, thinking it would put a big dent in the fifty thousand limit. Maybe I was still too trusting. Giving my number out to a woman I hadn't even met.

I didn't want to scare the kids, so I hit the barber shop and got my beard trimmed just a little, the same with my hair. Hirsute, but no longer quite so shaggy. I got new jeans and a shirt, laughing to myself as I placed my old one in a plastic bag. Beth was weird.

I realized it was one of the few times in the last month I'd been able to think about her with a smile, and without the anger. I guess that's an improvement.

The drive back to town had me antsy. I couldn't wait to see the kids and was looking forward to chatting with Carol. I had mixed feelings about dinner with Beth, which seemed so reasonable on the phone the night before.

I pulled onto the property and saw the mess I'd created had been cleaned up as simply as possible. There was a carport where the garage had been, and a nondescript dark blue four-door was parked there. The driveway and parking area had been resurfaced. If you didn't know what it had looked like before, you'd be hard pressed to tell what had happened. I pulled in beside the car and parked, removing my helmet and trying to neaten my hair a little in the rear-view mirror. I left the helmet and my jacket on the bike and knocked on the door.

My mother-in-law Carol met me with a hug.

"It's so good to see you, Honor. Thank you for coming. The kids are in the playroom."

"You're looking good," I told her.

She blushed. "It's nice to be around the kids. Having something to do. They keep me running around, that's for damn sure."

"You've lost weight," I observed.

She grinned. "Eight pounds. It shows?"

"It shows. We better get Dave up here, or you back home, before all the men realize what they're missing and are all over you."

She laughed. "Too late. I guess they don't see much new blood in town. If I was single, I'd never have to eat alone or with the same guy twice, it seems."

"Be careful. There are a few bastards in this town that don't care if a woman's married or not. More than a few. Hell, the whole damn town, now that I think of it."

She turned serious. "Honor, your mother keeps calling. I know she's probably going to show up at the door. I swear I didn't invite her, but there's no way your presence is going to remain a secret. What should I do?"

I shrugged. "I'll have to talk to her sometime. If she does show up, be polite and let her in. We can talk. If she's an ass again, I'll just leave."

"No! Don't leave, whatever happens. I'll throw her out if it comes to that. You can't leave before dinner. Please, promise me you won't."

I gave her a hug. "Alright. I'm not going to promise, but I'll do my best, okay?"

She nodded, grabbing my hand. "Your kids await. Do you need me to get the papers proving they're yours?"

"No. I trust you."

She dragged me into the playroom, and my daughter took about five seconds to realize who I was. She launched herself at me. "Daddy!"

I sat on the floor with her, while little Billy tried to figure out who I was. He kept his distance at first, slowly approaching.

My girl was tugging at my beard, giggling. "You're furry."

I nodded. She pulled hard, glaring at me. "No more trips, Daddy. This was the worst."

"Okay, baby girl, I'll try to take fewer trips."

She tugged my beard harder, almost bringing tears to my eyes. "No more trips, ever!"

For a four year old, she had some very strong opinions. She reminded me so much of her mother it hurt. "I can't promise that, Angel. But I do promise if I have to take a trip, I'll call you. We can even see each other over the computer. Alright?"

"You're gonna make things better? Fix everything? Mommy cries all the time now. You gotta make her stop crying."

"I'll do what I can, Precious."

Billy was walking better, and he stood up and staggered to me. I caught him in my arms and held him close, my face in his hair, smelling him. Damn, I guess I'm almost as weird as BB.

I played with them for a couple of hours, and Carol joined us on occasion. We didn't talk about anything but the kids. About mid-afternoon Carol informed me it was nap time, and she had them on a schedule. We took them to their room, and I read to them for about ten minutes, until they were out. I gave each a kiss and closed the door.

Carol sat down with me in the living room, and I joined her in a beer. She laughed. "These kids are driving me to drink. I'd drink about once a week at home, but I'm up to a day-time beer, and a night-time cocktail."

"The calories don't seem to be hurting you," I teased. She was a beautiful woman. Beth was her spitting image. A painful reminder of what I'd lost.

She laughed and scooted over next to me on the couch. She leaned against me, and I put my arm around her casually. "They're great kids," she said.

"I know. I'm looking forward to spending a lot more time with them."

"You want to tell me what you're up to now? You don't have to."

"Later, Okay? I'm still flying by the seat of my pants."

"Are you moving back in?"

I chuckled. "Later, Carol. Tell me what's going on."

She snuggled up against me, sipping from her beer. "It's a mess, but you probably figured on that, didn't you?"

"I expected it. I was hoping it wouldn't get bad for several months. Maybe they'd be able to handle it, in time."

"They're talking layoffs. Business is tanking. A lot of people are unhappy. They blame it all on Beth. She's trying. She is. She's in the office ten hours a day and still working here late at night. I don't think she realized half of what you had to do."

"What's Fred doing?"

She hesitated. "I'll let her explain that if it's okay."

"Are they still involved?"

"God no! She detests the man. She doesn't have time for messing around. It's all business all the time, except for maybe an hour a day with the kids." She leaned up and kissed me on the cheek. "Your call last night was like a life-preserver thrown to a woman going down for the third time. Thank you."

"She hurt me, Carol," I told her, my chest constricting. I felt my eyes watering.

She put her arms around me and pulled me down into her lap. She brushed my hair back softly. "I know, baby."

I let her hold me, while I cried for the first time. I sobbed like a baby, while she hugged me and rocked me. It was comforting. "It's going to be okay, Honor," she whispered.

I shook my head, the words trembling as they left my lips. "I don't think so. Not ever again. She broke my heart."

She held me tight, leaning her head down against mine. She kissed my temple softly. "It will, sweetie. It will never be the same, but it will get better."

"How could she?"

"I don't know. I suspect it was post-partum issues. It all started a few months after Billy was born. It's no excuse, but a lot of times we get squirrely afterward. I almost killed Dave a couple of times; I'd get so angry for no reason. We feel fat and ugly, like our lives as women are over. Sex feels wrong. I was a mess for a year after Beth. Like I said, it's no excuse, but I'd guess it hit her hard."