A Town Without Honor Ch. 02

I was lying sideways on the couch, my head resting in her lap. She gave me a squeeze, pulling me close, and when she sat up, her breast was leaning against my face. I felt a familiar stirring I was instantly ashamed of.

"Uh ... Carol? You probably should sit back."

She looked down at me, and gave a little teasing shimmy, rubbing my face with her chest. "What's wrong, Honor?"

"It's been a long time for me," I admitted.

She laughed, squeezing me again. "God, you are always so damn honorable, aren't you? Are my titties bothering you?"

"Bothering isn't the term I'd use."

Carol sat back a little, her hand caressing my side. "I bet you never once strayed. Probably never even thought about it. Even after what she did. After getting separated and all. You didn't, did you?"

"I'm still married." It was comforting, being with her. I rolled over on my back and looked up at her. "You know I couldn't."

She nodded, then leaned down and kissed me softly. "I know. I could strip naked, and you'd never even think of touching me, would you?"

I laughed. "I'm not gay. I'd sure as hell think about it. Maybe even fantasize. I just wouldn't act on it."

Carol was being a little naughty, teasing. She ran her hand inside my shirt, rubbing my stomach. "She had it all. What an idiot."

"I had it all too," I reminded her.

She nodded. "Did you ever fantasize about me, Honor?"

I blushed. "What do you think?"

Carol smiled. "When?"

I laughed. "God, I guess as soon as I knew about sex. You always were a hottie. Mature version of the love of my life."

She leaned back in the couch, and looking up all I could see was her chest. "I don't mean to tease you, baby. You know this is going nowhere. I miss holding a man. Talking, cuddling. Not even the sex so much as the intimacy. You understand?"

"Six weeks alone, Carol. I understand." I sat up and drew her sideways into my lap. Her head rested on the end of the couch, her torso across my legs. I caressed her hair, stroking it softly. My other hand rested on her stomach, moving softly, comforting. I'd known the woman my entire life; she was a second mother to me. A reminder of better times, someone who hadn't betrayed me. One of the very few.

She sighed. "You two were always perfect together. From the start. The way you watched over her, the way she followed you around, looking up to you. God, it was so damned cute." Her eyes were closed, as she took a walk down memory lane. The arm nearest my body was against my side, her hand stroking my shoulder and back.

The front door opened, and my mother decided to make her appearance at that time. She took a couple of steps in the door and saw us.

"What's going on here?" she snapped.

I lifted my finger to my lips. "The kids are napping. Carol and I are just reminiscing about old times."

"Is that appropriate?" she asked.

"Was it appropriate for me to hold you in your bed when you couldn't stop crying after we lost Dad?" I didn't remind her that she'd been practically naked.

Her mouth dropped comically. "That ... that was different."

"We're just talking, Mother. I'm guessing that's why you came over, uninvited."

She looked upset, then smiled. "At least you called me Mother. No more of that Mrs Nolan BS I hope."

Carol slowly sat up, and then sat back on the couch a few feet away. "Do you want me to go?" she asked. "Give you two some privacy?"

I shook my head. "I'm still very angry with you, Mother. You hurt me bad."

She nodded sadly. "I know baby. I didn't think things out properly I guess. I really thought I was doing right. I was trying to save your marriage."

I nodded back. "I know, but I'm your son! You watched my kids, covering for her, while she slept with other men! How could you?"

She walked over and climbed in my lap. She wrapped her arms around my neck. "You hurt me too. I've never been hurt so bad. It was even worse than when I lost your father. That was terrible, but I knew he was going into danger, and I had you to take care of me. When I lost you, it was my own fault, and I had nobody. Nobody, Honor."

As if her pain could compare to mine. "Everyone betrayed me. I did all I could for all of them, and they turned their backs on me. Even my own flesh and blood. The whole world was against me. Nobody took my side. Nobody helped me. You don't know what alone is, Mother."

"I'm sorry, baby. You never lost me. You couldn't. You're my baby boy. You threw me away because of one damned mistake. I tried to protect you from getting hurt. I'm your mother, that's my job. If I could have stopped her, if she hadn't lied about it being over, we'd have all been happy again. I had to try, Honor."

"No, Mother. You screwed up. If you had come to me from the start, when her behavior away from me was inappropriate, maybe I could have done something. Talked about it, found out what was going on. Stopped her. Fired Fred. You never gave us that chance. Even after the first time, you had that chance. One mistake, maybe we could get past."

She shook her head. "You know better. Everything's black and white to you. We all know that. We have to live to your standards. Once you lost the trust, it would be too late. We couldn't let you know."

"So you let it get to where it is today. This is better? Instead of stopping it or cutting if off after the first time, you let her go on, bringing Dale into it. You let her fuck those assholes dozens of times. She lost my trust, but now so did you, and every other lousy bastard in this town. How is this better?"

Mom shook her head. "It wasn't supposed to happen. You weren't supposed to know."

"You sided with her. She was cheating on me and you helped her. I don't know how I'm ever supposed to get over that. I didn't throw you away, Mother. You chose her, leaving me nothing. You're right. I do see things as right and wrong, black and white. You chose wrong. You chose betrayal and adultery over loyalty and fidelity. You chose someone else over your only son. You chose evil over good. You've lost my trust. Everyone has. You've destroyed our relationship, and there's no way we'll ever get it back. I hate what you did more than you'll ever know. I thought I knew you. I thought you loved me. Now you're just a stranger, who I don't trust or respect. That's what you've done to us."

She cried, holding me desperately. "I'm sorry, baby. It was for you. I swear it was. I would do anything to keep you happy."

"I have a simple question for you. If Dad was alive, and he knew, would you have covered for her? Would he have gone along?"

She didn't answer. She couldn't. We both knew the truth.

I put my arms under her and lifted her to the side, untangling her arms. "I need to go for a bit. I ... I'm feeling angry right now. I need a few minutes."

She cried harder. "You're not going to keep avoiding me, are you? I can't stand it, baby. I can't."

I leaned over and kissed her forehead. "No. I'll give you my number. You're my Mother, I can't forget that. I ... I just don't like you right now, and I doubt I'll ever trust you again. What we had is lost. I need some time."

I turned to walk out, and Carol came running over. "You'll be back? You promised."

"I said I'd do my best. Part of that is getting away for a bit before I blow up. I'll be back."

I hopped on my bike, eschewing my helmet and jacket for the moment. Pretty stupid I know, but I was trembling from anger. My mother was still trying to hold onto the idea she was doing what was right. My own mother.

I took off down the road too fast, opening up the bike as I hadn't done in weeks. I liked the rumble, the vibration, the wind in my face. I was free and could leave if I needed too. I could choose to stay, but I didn't have to. That's all that kept me there. I passed a car like it was standing still, over those roads I knew so well.

I heard the siren and laughed at my own damn luck. I looked in the mirror and saw the lights flashing. I pulled over and waited.

The Sheriff walked over cautiously. "License and regis ... Honor?"

"Hi, Uncle Luke."

"Damn it, son, you were doing over ninety!"

"Sorry about that. I just met with Mom."

He looked at me and nodded. "Blowing off some steam. I guess that's better than blowing up your damn house again."

I lifted my leg across the bike, and leaned against it, facing him. "How come you never pulled me in?"

He looked at me in surprise. "You're family, boy. My brother's son. Once he passed, I had an obligation. You should know that better than anyone. No one takes care of family like you."

"Lot of damn good it did me."

He put away his notebook. "It's not about that. We don't do it so they'll owe us. We do it because it's right. Because we can." He took off his hat and rubbed his head. I noticed his hair was thinning. I wondered if Dad's would have looked like that.

He continued. "Sometimes we screw up. I let you down, son, and I regret it. I guess we all did, but I could have done something about it. I could have put a bullet in that fucker's ass. At the least, I could have locked him up as soon as you left town. I fucked up. You're my brother's only boy, the very best of us, and I failed you."

He put his hat back on and stood up straight. "I won't do that again. Which means I better not catch you risking life and limb on these roads. You get my drift?"

I smiled. "Yes, sir."

"Fine. You back for good?"

"I don't know. Perhaps. You going to tell me now how I have to fix things? Forgive her, forgive everyone?"

"Hell no. You're a better man than I'll ever be. You'll do what's right. You always do. I wish I could say the same."

"How is she, Uncle Luke?"

He smiled sadly. "Getting better. The work is a good outlet for her. When she lost you, she lost everything. No one will have anything to do with her. She cost us too much. She ruined everything for half the town. The entire company hates her, while she tries to save their asses, alone. She's a beautiful woman, but there's not a single man that will so much as look at her, without facing the wrath of an entire community. It's gotta be hard on her, but she's struggling forward. Her mother's a good woman. Hard to believe the little slut came from her loins."

It hurt me to hear him call her a slut. I don't know why. I certainly did it often enough. "I'd prefer you don't call her a slut, Uncle Luke."

He nodded. "I know you love her, boy. What she did was bad."

"I know. It still hurts to hear it."

"Understood. Cheater work for you?"

I chuckled. "Yeah. I guess it's hard to deny that."

He rubbed my head. I felt like I was a teenager again, for just a moment. "Wear a helmet, okay? When you get angry, don't bottle it up, and don't blow anything else up. Give me a call and we'll go down to the range and shoot off a few hundred rounds."

"Sure, Uncle Luke. I thought I was getting better, but Mom ..."

"I know. Women. Some fucked up thinking going on there."

I heard his radio go off, and couldn't make out what was said. I guess thirty years had honed his hearing. "Jesus. Fucking Zach is at it again. Gotta run, son. It's good to see you back. I'm here if you need me."

"Thanks. I'll call."

He was jogging back to his car. "Do that!" he called out.

* * *

Mom was gone, and the kids were up. I settled in with them, while Carol started the dinner preparations. She'd check in every once in a while as if I didn't know how to take care of my own children.

The thought of taking them and leaving had crossed my mind. I could go abroad, anywhere really. I had enough money to last a good long while. I had a patent that was probably worth more than the one I had sold, and another still in the works, which was probably worth a couple of hundred grand to the right people.

It didn't seem right. I might detest my wife, but she'd always been a good mother. A better parent than I had been, if I was honest with myself. I was going to change that.

I was working on building a castle of blocks with Marie when I heard my name.

"Honor?"

I didn't even turn. "Hi, Beth."

I felt her arms wrap around me, and I stiffened.

"Thank you for coming back," she whispered.

"For the sake of the kids, Beth. That's what matters now." I didn't push her away, but I didn't encourage her either.

She eventually let go. "I'm going to change now. Maybe we can talk afterward."

"Sure."

I heard her walk away.

"Is Mommy gonna cry again?" Marie asked.

"I don't know, Precious. I hope not."

"You shouldn't let her, Daddy."

As if it was as simple as that.

Carol came in to take over the kid watching duties, keeping them out from underfoot. "I've got it from here. She's in the living room. Try not to hurt her, please? For me?"

"No promises, Carol. Sorry," I told her.

"Try, that's all I'm asking. Her hopes are so high now; you've got to be gentle with her."

I didn't have to do anything. "Okay, I'll try. For you and for these two."

I walked back out to the living room, and she was sitting there, waiting for me anxiously.

On the couch. That couch.

I can't explain myself. I don't know why it didn't bother me when I walked in the door, or when I was seated there with Carol, but now it was like a punch to the gut. The image of her so vivid, naked back, long hair hanging free, one hand holding the back of the couch for balance, rising up just a few inches, her hips rolling forward, then dropping quickly to the accompanying sound of flesh-on-flesh, loud enough to be heard over the music and video porn. My nightmare, clear as day. I turned away. I couldn't stand to see her there. Not there.

"What's wrong, Honor?" she asked softly. "What did I do?"

"I ... I have to go outside," I told her, trying to tamp down the flames of anger. I almost sprinted to the door and was soon back out front. I was a hair's breadth from jumping on my bike and leaving.

Beth was on my heels. "Honor! Don't go! Speak to me, please. What did I do?"

I couldn't even face her. This wasn't good. I needed more time. "I wanted to, BB. I did. I wanted to sit down and talk. Clear the air. It's just too much. Seeing you sitting on the couch, that couch. Where you fucked him. Fucked them." I ran from her, leaning over the bushes and lost what was left of my lunch. I dropped to my knees, heaving.

I heard her sobbing, and looking back, saw her run inside, the screen door slowly closing behind her. The mother of my children was crying, and all I felt was anger and disgust. Lots of anger. Too much. I wanted to strangle her, feel her slender neck in my hands and squeeze. She'd destroyed me. Everything I am. Everything I was. Everything I'd ever be.

I went to my bike, put on my helmet and jacket, and started it up. By the time I was pulling out, both Beth and Carol were coming out of the house. I gunned it.

"Honor?"

"Honor!"

"Honor!"

"HONOR!"

* * *

All I had was the one small bag I'd traveled with most of the last month. I'd given away the tent and sleeping bag after the trail hike. I carried a change of shoes, shirt and pants. A couple of boxers. I had my tablet, my phone, my wallet, and the guitar which was already lookin' worse for wear. A little Dopp kit, with my toiletries. Hell, how much more did a man need? As long as he had a working ATM card.

I didn't stop until I was in Beantown. Got a room, and suffered through my nightmares. Her, on that couch. Pounded by an army of my employees, looking over and laughing at me. They walked past me as they were finished with her, and I handed each a check. Mom was standing near her and would give each one a voucher to determine which hole they got to use. Mom would glance over at me every once in a while, "I'm doing this for you, baby. I'm trying to protect you." After each new deposit, Beth would smile at me. "I love you, Honor," she'd say. "It's just this one time."

I have no idea why there was a dancing bear in the corner. Even my nightmares were fucked up.

The next morning I made a few calls and located Ben from college. Thoughts of him were bitter sweet. He'd been a good friend, but he was also the guy who'd loaned me his car. If not for him, I never would have gotten together with Beth.

I got hold of him, and he agreed to meet me for a beer. While I was waiting, I decided to clean up some loose ends. I called LuAnne, my decorator.

"Hey, Honor," she said. "The place is coming together. You forgot to mark up the catalogs for me."

"Sorry. Something came up, and I had to leave town. Do whatever you think is best. Email me an invoice, and I'll get you a check, okay?"

"You don't even want to see it?"

"I can't right now. I appreciate you taking care of things." I had to make some more decisions and got lazy. "Lock up when you're done, and leave the keys under the back door mat."

She laughed. "No way! I'll get a hide-a-way rock for the garden, and put the key in it. It will be under the azalea on the left side of the entrance, facing the house. The security system code is the last four digits of my phone number, so you won't forget them."

"Perfect. I appreciate it. I'll call if anything else comes to mind."

"Email address?" she asked.

Shit. I couldn't use the business one. "I'll text it to you tomorrow."

"Better yet, email me. You have my card. It's on there."

I opened my wallet and she was right. "Great. Thanks again. Gotta go."

My second call was to the only man who had apologized to me after everyone else betrayed me.

"Uncle Jimmy?"

"Honor, I hear you're back in town. That's great."

"I'm not. I tried, but it's too soon."

"Damn. I'm sad to hear that. What can I do for you?"

"I'm glad you asked. First, I wanted to tell you that all is forgiven. Thank you for talking to me that day in the diner. Do you know that you're the only one from the company that ever apologized or offered any explanation? More than even my own mother and sister did."

"Thank you," he said simply. "But I believe if you stuck around, you'd hear more than your share now."

"Sure. Now that they think they need me. Too little, too late. I want to ask you a huge favor."

"Anything. You only have to ask," he answered quickly.

"Not so fast. Listen first, okay?"

"Sure. What can I do?"

"First, this has to be secret. Nobody can know. I hate to do that to you, but I don't want to be bothered right now. I'm not doing anything wrong, or that I'm ashamed of, I just need some privacy. Can you agree to that?"

"Can I tell Jean?"

I laughed. "You're going to have to. But nobody else."

"You got it."

"I need an agent or assistant. Someone to take care of some things in town, and to do some work for me now and then. If Aunt Jean is still available, I'd like her to do it."

"I'm sure she'd be willing, but I'd have to ask her. Can I put her on the phone?"

"That would be great. If I forget to mention it later, thanks."

I spent a few minutes talking to Aunt Jean. She was nervous about taking on the responsibility, but she agreed. I'd pay for her phone, and she'd be my personal assistant. She'd have access to a checking account, and she could pay bills for me, make appointments, deal with things like closing the house deal and keep the checks going to my mother. I told her I'd be sending her a limited power of attorney for my property, and for my banking. For her trouble, I'd pay her $800 a month to start.

"It'll take a day or two. I need you to open a bank account in both our names and send me the routing number so I can put money in it. I don't know how often I'll contact you, and it might be for any number of things. Some might get complicated."

"Of course, Honor. Thank you for trusting me. I'm sorry I didn't make Jim talk to you. Maybe we could have stopped all this."

"I appreciate it. It's water under the bridge now. Can you do this for me?"