A Town Without Honor Ch. 02

"Why do you have to go? Why can't you be with us?"

"It's hard to explain. Your mother and I just need to be apart for a while."

"Is that why Mommy cries so much?"

"I'm sure that's part of it. You know I love you and your brother more than anything."

"Then come home! I don't like you being gone."

I had a hard time holding back the tears. How do you tell your child that you may never be able to come back? That her mother broke your heart and destroyed your marriage.

"Not much longer. I'll be able to call more often, okay?"

"NO! I don't want to talk like this. I don't like it. I want you home."

"When I can, Precious. Let me talk to your Grandma, okay?"

She was still angry when she passed the tablet off. I hated to leave her like that. Carol's face appeared on my screen. "She doesn't understand; she's only four. All she knows is that her Daddy's gone. She'll be fine."

"Thanks for watching over them, Carol. You're the best."

She grinned. "I know that. I miss you too. You can only imagine how bad it is for Beth."

"I know. Everything everywhere reminds me of what we had, and all too often of what she did. Can I speak to her now?"

I could see she'd been crying again, but she put on a good face. "Thank you, Honor. I miss you terribly."

"I miss you too, BB. How are you holding up?"

She shrugged. "Not bad. I'm getting by. I hear you've got a new house in town. I guess you won't be coming back here anytime soon."

Of course, word would get out. No chance of avoiding that.

"I need my own place for now. I hope you understand."

"No, I don't understand. How are we going to make things better if you're not with me, in our home, with our kids?"

"I need time, BB. I ... I'm dangerous now. I have a very hard time controlling my anger, and I have a lot of it. I'm trying to resolve some of it, let the pain diminish. I wouldn't trust myself around you right now. I'd lash out at you. I might even hurt you."

She looked surprised, then laughed. "You'd never hurt me, Honor. I know that."

"You're wrong, Beth. When I burned the cars, I was seriously considering burning down the entire house, with the three cheaters in it. When I saw you last, on that damn couch, I wanted to put my hands around your throat and squeeze. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. I'm not safe around you right now."

"But you didn't! You couldn't. I know you're angry. You should be." She took a breath. "I'm sorry. We weren't going to talk about this. What are you doing in St. Johns?" she asked.

"I'll be visiting some family. Some of Dad's cousins are here. You know that Grandma Jane was from here, and several of Dad's aunts and uncles are in the area. I always wanted to reconnect. See the old family homestead down in the Harbor."

"What's it like? Is it nice?"

"Beautiful. So different. Lots of little fishing towns, beautiful coves and harbors. Rolling countryside." I smiled. "Big hearted people, friendliest I've ever met. Moose and caribou. I almost hit a Caribou on my ride. The horns on that beast were huge! It was big, bigger than any deer I've seen, but the moose I saw was gigantic."

"How's your motorcycle holding up?" she asked.

"Not bad. I got pretty stiff riding for long distances when I first got it, but I guess I'm used to it by now."

"I'd love to ride on it sometime."

"We'll do that," I told her. I don't know why. "I wish things were different BB. I do. I wish it was us, and not just me."

She nodded. "It could be. Whatever you want, Honor. I'd go anywhere with you. Do anything. This was supposed to be us. It still can be. Say the word, and I'll fly out there tomorrow." She got a hard look in her eye. "Fuck the business. Let it rot. Ask me, Honor. Ask me to come. We can ride back together."

"No Beth. You're not the person I want with me. That girl died several months ago. I'll never get to take her the places I dreamed of. She's only a ghost now. A memory."

"You're wrong, Honor. She's here. She loves you as much as she ever has, maybe more. She knows what she's lost and is devastated. She wants you back. She wants to hold you, and love you, and prove to you that she's still the same girl. She made a mistake, a horrible one. One she'll regret for the rest of her life. But she needs you, like oxygen, like water. She's dying without you."

"No. She's not dying. She's dead. I don't know who you are. My perfect wife could never have done what you did. She loved me as much as I loved her. We were soul mates. You are just some slut who's taken over her body. You killed her, and I hate you for it."

She started crying, large tears rolling down her face. "Don't say that, Honor. Don't say you hate me. You told me you loved me, just a few days ago."

"I did, and I do. I love you, and I probably always will. I love you for what you were, and I hate you for what you've become. I wish it wasn't true. God, how I wish it wasn't!"

She wiped her eyes and tried to smile. "I guess you'll be happy to know you're not alone. Everyone hates me. Everyone. My own father. My husband. The entire town. Every single person I try to keep employed detests me. Yet nobody hates me near as much as I hate myself. You need to come back soon, Honor. For the kids. They're going to need you."

She cut the connection only moments before I did. I wouldn't allow her to manipulate me. She'd done enough of that. I'd go back when I was good and ready, and that wasn't yet.

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