Angel Unaware

"Hey, baby," I called. "How you been?"

I walked over and we sat in the grass. "I'm okay," she said. "Sage, do you think I could go see Buddy?" God, she was cute, and she was breaking my heart.

"I don't know, sweetheart. You'll have to ask your father. As far as I'm concerned, you can come see Buddy any time you want. Do you think he'd mind?"

"I'll go ask him," she said. She scampered away and I heard the mower stop. There was silence for a few minutes and when she reappeared, her bounce was gone and as she got closer, I could see she was crying. "Daddy said I couldn't," she sobbed. I hugged her for a minute.

"Wait right here, baby," I said. I was pissed. I marched over and saw Jackson pushing the mower on the other side. I walked up to him and he killed it.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I started. "That little girl is over there crying because you're an insecure prick! Jesus Christ, Jackson! Just because you have some sort of pride thing going on, your daughter can't go see a horse? What, you think, I'll let her get hurt? I'm finna kidnap her? All she wants to do is see a horse. Is it because she'll be with me? Am I that repulsive? I was nice to you. I get it that you want to be independent, but what the fuck?"

"Sage, I'm not, we're not, from around here." He was as vociferous as I was. "We come from a two-bit one-horse town in Oklahoma that nobody's ever heard of. Nobody has much there; the town itself will probably dry up and blow away in the next thirty years and nobody will care.

"But there are some things we do have. You can call it pride if you want; it's just how we are. You don't sponge off people. We hate gold diggers of both sexes. And you don't use your daughter to get things that you ought to be hustling for yourself. We're down right now, down pretty far, and you have every right to say so, though I won't think much of you for it. But by God, we won't stay down, and when we're up, it won't be because we've ridden on somebody's back to get there!"

He was pretty flushed, almost angry, as he stood there next to that lawn mower. I was almost angry right back at him, until I remembered that little angel.

"Well, Jackson, suppose somebody in that wonderful little town of yours needed some help, and you could give it to them. Would you?"

"Of course. If you can help, you do it."

"So why won't you let me help you?"

I could see him wrestling for an answer. "Some of you rich people think you can buy anything and anybody. Well, you can't buy us!"

I was about to turn around and stalk away when the funny side of it struck me.

"What the hell would I want to buy you for? What would I do with you? I love Reynolds, and she loves me, but you?"

He did that turning red and shuffling thing again. "I'm sorry, Sage. That was a... Well, we read about people who are as rich as you, and how they all look down on the rest of us and cause most of the world's problems, you know? I've never met anyone like you before, that's for sure. But my mother did teach me not to insult a lady, and I just did, and I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted," I said. "But seriously, Jackson, why can't you accept help from me? Is it because I'm black?"

"No, not that. Absolutely not. I'm not a racist." He was very sure of that.

I grinned. "Then is it because I'm a woman?"

Now he really turned red. I was starting to enjoy this. "N... n... no, well, not... um... I don't think so?"

I let him stew for a while in his preconceived notions then let up on him. "You're right, Jackson, I am very rich and I like it that way. There are rich people who are bastards, too. But one of the reasons I enjoy being rich is that when I see someone who deserves better than they're getting, I can do something about it.

"I'm not going to beg you to take my help, just like you're not going to beg for help. I can respect that, as long as you don't insult me or stereotype me. But I think we can work some things out that will be good for both of us, and especially will be good for that little angel we both love, if you didn't have some... issues."

I could see him flush and he was getting ready to make an angry reply. I cut him off. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, but making little girls cry isn't high on the list of things I like. Please, Jackson, just let her see the damn horse. What could possibly be wrong with that?"

He visibly relaxed. "Nothing," he said. "I just... I don't want her getting her expectations up, and then being disappointed if I lose this job and she can't come over here anymore, okay?"

"I understand," I said. "You can bring her over here any time I'm home, whether you're working, or not. That little girl deserves to be happy, Jackson, and you know how much she loves horses. Hell, I'll come and get her, whatever it takes, just give a little here. I won't bother you. I wasn't trying to insult you or interfere. I thought I was doing something positive. I'm sorry you took it as an insult; I certainly didn't intend it that way."

He looked at me for a minute. His eyes fell and he scuffed his toe in the grass. "I'm... I don't know what to say, Sage. I was kind of a dick, wasn't I?"

"Yeah, but you're a dick with a beautiful little girl," I said.

He grinned a kind of lopsided grin. It made him look like a little boy being scolded and it was absolutely charming. "I do have a beautiful little girl, don't I?" he said. He stuck out his hand. "I'm sorry. Friends?"

I shook it. "Maybe friends," I said. "She can come up to the house with me?"

"Yeah, let's go tell her," he said.

We walked back and she was sitting all slumped and dejected-looking. He snatched her up and squeezed her. "I think there are some horses that have been missing my baby," he said.

She looked up at his face, those huge eyes full of hope. "Really, Daddy? I can go see them?"

"Really," he said. "Sage will take you and I'll come pick you up when I'm done, okay? I'm sorry I made you cry."

"Yeet!" she said. "I won't cry anymore. Can we go now?"

He laughed and kissed her, set her down and she tucked that little hand into mine. "Let's go," she said. "Thanks, Daddy."

We had a blast. She rode Buddy for a while and I rode Misty; we fed them some treats and went back to the house. Julie brought us finger food and sweet tea, and we were watching the new live-action Lion King when the doorbell rang. Paul let Jackson in, and Julie got him a glass of tea. I was sitting on the floor with my back against the sofa and Reynolds between my legs, leaning back against me. He sat in a chair and finished watching the movie with us.

When Reynolds noticed him she went over and sat on his lap. I got a little wistful as I watched that little blonde angel snuggle up against her daddy's big body, safe and secure without a care in the world. I realized again just how much I missed my father. I gave them a ride home and all the awkwardness of the previous trip was gone. She regaled him with her adventures all the way home and he had a permanent goofy grin affixed to his face.

He promised that he'd check to see if I was home next time he mowed, and we talked about me coming to pick her up the following Tuesday. He was good with that, and she hugged and kissed me goodbye. When she released me, she looked expectantly back and forth between us. "Daddy, aren't you going to hug Sage?" she finally asked. We laughed and he turned all red as he tried to give me one of those awkward side-hugs. It was like trying to hug a fence post.

I grabbed him and made him hug me right. He laughed and his reserve vanished as I hugged him for an embarrassingly long time. "Okay, I get it," he said. "Thanks for everything, Sage."

Reynolds' brown eyes shone up at us and she looked very happy. They went inside and I drove home feeling happy again.

The week was a busy one for me, but I made sure I blocked out the time for Reynolds' visit on Tuesday. I walked her to their apartment door when we got back and some creep made a comment when we walked past where he was hanging out on some steps. We ignored him and just kept walking.

Jackson was making macaroni and cheese with hotdogs when we went inside. He asked me to stay and eat with them. "I know it's not four-star dining," he said. "It's Reynolds' favorite, though."

I just laughed. "You don't know how many times I ask Julie to make this," I said. "I lived on this when I was a kid. Thank you, I'd love to stay."

We had a nice time, and they walked me out. The creep was gone, and when Jackson opened my door, we did our little hugging ritual. He looked like he wanted to say something, but he couldn't get it out. "So, we on for next Tuesday?" I asked Reynolds. She was, and that became our routine. Every Tuesday, I picked her up at 11:30; we had lunch and went riding. My horses needed the exercise, and I enjoyed every minute Reynolds spent with me. I was falling deeper in love with that little angel.

I had never been around kids that much. I hadn't much enjoyed the experience when I had been around them, so Reynolds had been a welcome eye-opener. I wasn't all that domestic. I'd dated and had a couple of long-term relationships, but never really experienced anything like Jackson and Reynolds. It had been just my father and me, along with Paul and Julie, and that was my family. Having Reynolds in my life was something new. Jackson and I were becoming closer, as well. It took him three months to finally vocalize what he'd obviously been holding inside all that time. He asked me out! It wasn't without prompting.

We were doing our "Sage is leaving" thing, and he was doing his awkward thing. "Daddy, ask her," she said.

"Ask me what?" I said.

"He wants to take you on a date," she gushed.

I looked at Jackson and raised one eyebrow. He was blushing furiously. "Well?" I said.

He stammered around and finally got it out. "I was wondering... Sage, would you like to go to a movie with me?"

"Jesus, Jacks," I said. "You've been thinking about this for three months and a movie is what you came up with?"

He laughed. "Hey, I'm not very good at this, okay? I also don't have a lot of money. I hope you're a cheap date."

I took them back to the apartment and asked Reynolds to wait inside while we talked. She got in a parting shot. "Please, Sage. Daddy really likes you a lot, and I love you."

Well, what the hell do you say to that? I hugged her. "We'll see, baby."

She turned on the TV and Jacks walked me back to my car. It was my turn to stammer and be unsure of myself. "Jacks, I'm flattered, and shit, but I kinda have a "No white boys" rule. I like you, and I do love Reynolds, but I don't know."

He looked kind of shocked, then he recovered. "Well, I guess you won't have to worry about that, since I'm not a boy." He gave me that lopsided grin and I rolled my eyes at him.

"You know what I mean."

"I guess I do. Seriously, Sage? You don't want to date me because I'm white? Is that what I'm supposed to tell Reynolds? I'd like to hear you explain this one."

I laughed to cover my nerves. "I don't know if I can. I guess I've never really tried before. It's just awkward as fuck. It's as exciting and intense and interesting dating a white guy as it is dating black guys or white girls, but it starts to get annoying after a while. It's the little things: How do you describe me if we go out and meet at a restaurant? If you don't see me, how do you tell the person who to look for, the black girl? The tan girl? How does that make you feel, awkward, right? When we're together and people are surprised that we're together, how does that make you feel?"

"I don't know," he said thoughtfully. "I've never dated a black girl before. I think I can handle it. I'll never know until I've tried it." He looked pointedly at me. I tried again.

"Look at me, Jacks," I said. "I'm... curvy. I have a phat ass. I don't know if it's because I'm black, or because I work out a lot. Whatever, it's not okay for a guy to compliment me on my "black ass" the first time he sees me naked. I have big lips, I'm black. I went out with this one white boy who told me I have 'blow job' lips. Who the hell came up with that? I guess he didn't realize he was being a sexist fuckwit when he said that. Even worse, he was a racist sexist fuckwit, which is the worst kind of sexist fuckwit."

He broke down laughing. I just stared at him for a minute, then I started laughing, too. "Okay, it's funny, but you see what I'm talking about?"

"Yes, I do, and I promise not to be a racist sexist fuckwit. If I have to be a fuckwit, I'll choose one or the other." He burst out laughing again.

We broke down again, and when we recovered, he said, "Just give me a chance, Sage."

"Okay, one date," I said. "Just don't let the little things get annoying, okay? No strings. If it feels right, we'll try it again. I'm only doing this because Reynolds wants me to. I really hate you, okay?"

He laughed again. "Yeah, I use her to get all my dates," he said.

"How many have you had, recently?"

"Um... well, you'll be my first since..." he trailed off. The laughter left his face and his eyes.

"Yeah, the elephant in the living room you don't want to talk about," I said. "You realize that isn't going away, right?" I was as serious as he had become.

"Yeah, I know," he said. "I'll tell you and we'll get rid of that particular elephant. I just... I don't like to talk about it, but I know you deserve to know. We'll talk, okay?"

"Sure," I said. "What are you going to do with Reynolds while we're out on this date?"

"I'll have to get a sitter," he said.

"Want me to ask Julie?"

"Do you think she'd mind?"

"No, she loves Reynolds almost as much as I do," I told him.

That's what happened. They came in a cab, and Reynolds stayed with Julie. We went to the movie and out for dinner, afterward. We went to a little diner, and they had a good cheeseburger. I got a piece of peach cobbler, and it was the bomb. We had that talk. It started awkwardly.

We were talking about the movie, and there had been a mother/daughter thing in it. He started to say something, then he went all quiet.

"What the hell, Jacks?" I said. "We hit a wall here or something?"

He shook his head. "No, this is just that thing I said I would tell you about."

"Ah, the thing. Well, I'm all ears."

"Yeah, I don't know how to start." Well, that was obvious, as his face turned red and he stared at the table as if he was looking for a script or something. I wished I could help him, but I knew how he felt about boundaries. Finally, he found words.

"Reynolds has a mom, you know."

"Most people do," I said. "I imagine even you." I hoped that would lighten the moment, some.

He laughed. "I meant she's around somewhere. Not around here, but back where we came from."

"Where did you come from?" I asked.

"Just a little town in Oklahoma," he said. "I'll tell you the name of it if you want to know. It was just one of those places with 2000 people, nothing special, you know."

I nodded. "Yeah, I know. Is that where you grew up?"

"Pretty much," he said. "I graduated from high school there and I went to one of those regional universities. Reynolds' mom was my girlfriend all through school."

"Were you married?"

"No, that's one mistake I never made. We went to the same college; she was two years behind me. When I graduated, we got engaged and moved in together. We were planning to marry right after she graduated."

"What happened?" I asked.

"Well, we did all the typical college kids shit," he said. "We did a lot of partying. I was doing less of that as we got toward graduation, but she wasn't. Then she told me she was pregnant. It was still pretty good until Reynolds was born. She wanted to go right back to being the party girl. We had a bunch of really big fights. She moved out and left me with Reynolds. She got busted at a party and there were a lot of drugs involved. I had enough. I quit my job, packed up Reynolds and her stuff and came out here."

"Do you know anything about where she is?" I asked.

"I don't want to know," he said. "The night she moved out she said some pretty bad things, Sage. She was tired of being tied down to a 'squalling brat.' Can you imagine anyone talking about Reynolds like that, much less her mother? She was sick of me, she wanted to have a life, not be some 'dumb married bitch with a pack of rug-rats'."

"Damn, dude. That's cold," I said.

"Yeah, I figure we're better off just closing that book. What about you, Sage? You ever been married?"

"No, I've never found anyone I was interested in like that," I told him. "It was just me and Dad, all my life. I never knew my birth parents. He left some pretty big impressions on my life. I miss him every day. I guess I'll always be a daddy's girl. A guy would have to be hella impressive for me to think about marrying him."

It was a nice date, and when the cab dropped me at home, he asked me if I would like to go out again. It had been fun, so I told him I'd take him out the next time. I really didn't have that much of a social life. I went to business functions and did anything I wanted on my own, but unless Mr. Right happened to stumble into my living room, that romance thing wasn't happening. I got asked out a lot, but I rarely dated.

It took him five dates to work up the nerve to kiss me, and it was... nice. Not a lot of fire, but I liked it. It took him three months to get around to asking me if that offer to set him up with my HR people was still open.

"I don't know, Jacks," I said. "This kinda went sideways, last time. You sure?"

He grinned ruefully. "Yeah, I know I got all bent out of shape. Sorry, Sage. We know each other better now, don't we? The thing is, I'm just not getting a lot of responses to sending out résumés and filling out applications. I get offers, but not for what I need. A lot of them want me to travel, or work hours that don't fit with Reynolds' schedule. I need some stability for Reynolds and I need to make enough to pay for daycare, a better place to live and things like health insurance and a car."

He was right; we did understand each other better. Our dates hadn't produced a lot of passion (yet, I told myself), but we did have a healthy respect going on that we didn't have before. I set it up, and my peeps found him a position in scheduling. We owned a fleet of trucks, but much of our hauling was done by independent owners and operators. They would log on, find a load they wanted and put in for it. It was mostly computer work, and he did well, from the reports I was getting. The best thing, for both of us, well, all three of us, was that we had a daycare in the building for employees. Until school started, Reynolds came to work with him every day, went to daycare and was there when he got off work.

He got a laptop from the company to do his work, and a cell phone. I made sure he got two, so Reynolds had one. He also bought a little car after about a month. The company leased about 30 cars for employees to use as company cars, and I had one assigned to him for a work car. I gave the employees a chance to buy one when the leases expired. They had about 100,000 miles on them, but we took good care of them, serviced them regularly and they were in good shape. His credit was non-existent and he couldn't get a loan, but the company financed the car for him and it was a good deal.

We went out about once a month, and I saw Reynolds nearly every day when I was at home and in the office. At 11:50, she would ride the elevator up from the daycare, come to my office and we'd go to lunch. Sometimes I'd get it delivered and we'd eat in my office. When school started, she rode the bus to the office and stayed with me if I was there. If not, she went to daycare.

It would be impossible to describe how much I loved that little angel. I found myself anticipating that elevator ding at lunchtime. If I was out of town or had a business function, I missed her so much it would make my eyes mist over when lunchtime came. I took her home from work with me two days a week to ride and Jacks would come and pick her up. Sometimes he came to lunch with us, sometimes he took a late lunch and it was just my little angel and me.