Angel Unaware

"God, Jacks, are you always this horny?" I asked when I recovered a little. "My pussy sore as hell! You gotta let me rest, lover."

He chuckled. "You make me this way, Sage. I have a dusky goddess in bed with me, naked, and it just makes me crazy. I have to have you."

"Well, you ain't having me any more this morning," I told him. "You wore me out. Set your alarm for an hour. We want to be up before Reynolds."

We were, and had waffles making when that little angel came in the next morning. She was a little different in the morning. Usually, she was a bundle of energy, chattering a mile a minute, asking a million questions. In the mornings, she was quiet. We ate, then she wanted to cuddle. We had her between us on the sofa, and she laid on one of our laps while we just petted her. There came a point when she was ready for the day, and then she transformed into that daytime dynamo.

That set the pattern for the next several months. Jacks and Reynolds went to their apartment during the week. They had moved to a better apartment with less sketchy neighbors. They would come over Friday night and spend the weekend at my house, and Jacks and I fucked constantly. It seemed like he couldn't get enough of me, and I couldn't give him enough.

Our sex life was off the hook, sick nasty, and we could talk about pretty much anything. That was good, because we still had some stuff to work through. I forget what we'd been talking about, but we were getting upset with each other and he said, "You know what the trouble with you is, Sage? You've never been powerless. You don't know what it's like. I know you well now, and I know you'd never try to hurt me, but you don't know how it is to feel like everything is already decided, even by someone you love."

I thought about what he'd said. My father had told me that power was the ability to make things happen at the time and in the manner you want them to happen. It could be physical or athletic power, financial power, or the power you get when you have authority, such as when you own the company.

"You're right, I've always had power. I do my best to use my powers only for good, and I think I do, most of the time. I don't believe anyone is actually powerless. As long as you have a choice, you have power."

Jacks shook his head, setting that mop of brown curls into motion. I wanted to go over and run my fingers through them and see if I could make them any more disordered, but we'd stumbled into a serious conversation, so I thought I'd better not.

"See, that sounds great theoretically, but you've never been in a place where all your choices suck, and you don't have the money or the power or whatever to use to make better options for yourself. You've never had to try to figure out what option sucks the least."

"Sure I have. Just last night, you were holding me down and doing that thing with your tongue, and I was blowing up and you wouldn't let me up and I couldn't move you because you're too heavy. See, I had no power at all."

He grinned at me. "Yeah, that was pretty sweet, but it's not the same."

"Well, maybe not exactly. I don't see it like you do, Jacks? You did have choices. You could have abandoned Reynolds and her mom and made a new life for yourself, after she turned into such a bitch. You could have been totally irresponsible and not worried about hours or daycare or anything. You didn't have many good choices, true, but you made the best choice for Reynolds. You used your power for good."

Six months after the first time we made love he took a knee in my living room, in front of Reynolds, and asked me to marry him. Many times since that first night I had reminded myself I wasn't going make the same mistake Reynold's mom had made and let him get away. This was the moment to make sure that didn't happen.

"Yes, Jacks. I'd love to be your wife, and you my mans; you know that, whether you marry me, or not, right?"

"Yeah, but I want you for the rest of our lives," he said. "This is going to be so right, Sage."

I held out my hand and he slipped on the ring. It was nice, too. He'd been promoted three times at work, and he was making good money. I knew he'd dropped a chunk of change on that ring. Reynolds squealed when he put it on me and came flying over to hug me. She pulled me down so she could kiss me.

"You know what this means, Sage?" She was very excited.

"What, baby?" I asked.

"It means you're going to be my mom!"

She burst out crying. Jacks and I knelt and squeezed her between us. I brushed away tears with a tissue. "Why you crying, baby? I thought you would be happy."

"I am." She gave us a watery smile. "I love you so much, Sage. I wanted you to be my mom for so long. I just... it was like a dream, and I... I just never thought I would..." She couldn't go on.

I kissed away her tears. "You deserve every dream you have to come true, Reynolds, and this one, especially. I'll never let you go. Neither of us will."

*****

We got pregnant about three months after we were married. And when I say we, I mean it, and we had the time of our lives. Making a child with that man was beyond anything I had ever imagined. Carrying her for nine months, and seeing her born? There aren't words in any language to describe what that's about. As for Reynolds' mom, who gave all this up? I didn't think there was that much stupid in the world, let alone in one woman.

We were all over-the-moon happy, including Reynolds. She would want to stay with little Samara instead of the horses, sometimes!

Jacks had been promoted again; the head of another unit wanted him, and I agreed. A few months later, he told me someone in his old unit was spreading stories that he only got his promotion because he was sleeping with the owner. I was furious, but Jacks wouldn't tell me who it was. That made me madder.

"He doesn't need discipline, Sage. He's a good person, someone you want to keep, but he's had a couple of bad breaks, and just lashed out. He's not the only one, either. If you come down on him, it will look like you're just sticking up for your husband."

I sighed. "Jacks, you earned everything you've received. I have not intervened one time, given your supervisors a single memo about you. Is this something that's going to come up again?"

"No, Sage, I know you use your powers for good." We both laughed. "I'm trying to think of the company, too. I've been talking with Paul, and he's starting to feel a little overwhelmed. Besides, we've talked about wanting one of us to be home with Samara more.

"Let me run something by you. Don't say anything. I'll resign my position and spend my time here at home. I can take some of the yard work off him, and some of Samara's care off Julie."

"You mean be a house husband? Seriously?"

"You weren't supposed to say anything! Well, a couple of years ago I'd have run for the high hills of anyone had suggested anything like that, but I've learned some things from you, Sage. My worth as a man doesn't come from a paycheck or a job, it comes from the choices I make for my family and for your company. You're already the main breadwinner, anyway, so it wouldn't change that much. We don't need my salary. Hell, you've never needed it, but it made me feel good at the time, I worked my ass off for promotions and I feel like I have the confidence to not need an outside career to validate myself. What do you think?"

"I think somebody's changed a hella lot from the big strong man who wouldn't let his daughter go see the horses." We laughed, but it was true. We'd both changed.

That's what we did. I'd always felt responsible, been responsible. The company was my father's legacy, and I wanted make it something of which he'd have been proud. With Jacks, Reynolds and Samara, I also had my family to support. It was seductive. In the marketplace, I was a big deal. When I went home, I was Mom. Don't get me wrong, I loved being Mom, but the sense of responsibility I felt, along with the ego stroking I got changed me. It wasn't for the better. Gradually, incrementally, I changed. I became a workaholic bitch, and would have stayed that way if my family hadn't called me on it.

*****

Nine years later, I was in a meeting with an important client when I heard a ruckus outside. There were raised voices, and the door burst open as I heard Maria, my secretary, saying, "You can't just..." Evidently, they could.

A blonde Valkyrie strode into my office, followed by a smaller dusky cherub, who had that same war-paint look on her face as the Valkyrie.

"Mom," the Valkyrie said, "we need to talk."

"Reynolds, I'm in a meeting," I told her. "You're being rude."

She cocked her head to one side in that way she had. "Do you want to see rude?" she asked.

"Excuse me," I said to Mr. Yamoto. "I seem to have a domestic problem." I went to the door. "Maria, could you have Olivia come in here, please?"

In about two minutes, my PA came in. "Olivia, I have something I need to handle. Could you take care of Mr. Yamoto, please? Sorry, Mr. Yamoto, Olivia knows everything about this deal, and I'm leaving you in her capable hands."

He got up, gave me a smile and a little bowing thing and Olivia took him away.

"Please, girls, sit down." I gestured to chairs, got them both a coke and myself a cup of coffee, and sat behind my desk.

I looked at them seriously. "So, I understand you have a load of onions you need delivered to Katmandu, by Friday," I said with a straight face.

Their facades cracked for a moment, and Samara, the little dusky one, giggled.

They regained their composure. "That isn't going to work, Mom," Reynolds said. "We know you can be charming and funny when you want to be. The problem is, we never see that anymore. Do you know why, Mom?"

"I'm sure you're about to tell me," I said.

"We never see it because you're never around!" she practically yelled.

"Mom, do you know what happens tonight?" Samara asked.

"What, baby?" I asked.

"I'm playing Vivaldi's Concerto for Two Violins in A Minor," she said. "It's at the Louise M. Davies Symphony Hall. Did you know that?"

I did, now that I thought about it. "Yes, I remember you telling me."

"Do you know what happened last night?" Reynolds asked.

"Well, I know some things that happened," I said. "Did I forget something?"

"Not much," she said, sarcastically. "I got third place in the Large Junior Hunter class. Where were you, Mom? Do you know we waited for you? We were nearly late before we realized you weren't coming. Do you know how many times we called you, Snapped you, texted you?"

"I was at dinner with Mr. Yamoto and I turned off my phone. I'm so sorry, baby; we just needed to get this buy-out done."

"Why?" Samara asked.

I sputtered. "It's worth millions, girls. How do you think we pay for your lessons, Samara? How do you think we got Hildy and Salazar, Reynolds? Horses like that aren't cheap. I have to work so we can get the things we need."

"Sam and me have decided we don't need horses and lessons," Reynolds said. "We need a mother who we actually see once in a while. Do you know how mad Dad is at you?"

I did, actually. Our house had experienced a temperature drop into the arctic zone in the last few months. "I'll make it up to you all. I'm so sorry." That was all I could say.

"That's what you always say, Mom," Samara broke in. "If you would just stop working all the freaking time, you wouldn't have to 'make things up'."

"How much is enough, Mom?" Reynolds asked. "Is it when you're old, you've driven Dad away and your daughters have forgotten who you are? Will it be enough then? Jesus, Mom. Get your head out of your ass." Samara's mouth dropped open at the "ass" thing. "That's all we wanted to say to you."

They stood, dropped their empty cans in the trash and walked out. I sat there for a minute, stunned. Was this really what I had become? I was alienating my husband and my girls? I knew I'd been working a lot, for the past year or so. There always seemed to be that next shipper to acquire, that next big contract to land, fires that needed to be put out somewhere, and I was the firefighter. I went to the window and I could see my babies standing in the parking lot. I guess they came in an Uber. Tears filled my eyes. I grabbed my purse and coat and rushed out.

"Cancel everything, Maria," I said as I ran for the elevator. "I don't know when I'll be back. Tell Olivia to handle things."

The door opened and I prayed that they would still be there. I rushed through the lobby and they were just opening the doors of the Uber when I ran outside. I lost one of my shoes, but it didn't matter.

"Girls, wait," I called. They stopped and I ran across the parking lot. "Here, we changed our mind," I told the driver. I handed him a hundred and grabbed my babies.

"Come on," I pulled them by the hands over to my parking space. "I'm going with you. Were you going home?"

"Yeah, Mom, but don't you need to work?" Reynolds asked. I knew she was just upset.

"Yes, I do need to work. Work is important, girls, but not as important as you," I told them.

The drive home was quiet, and I spent the time in introspection. How had I allowed it to come this far? As I thought, I realized that our lack of communication as a family was appalling. That was mostly my fault. I was busy. I was going to be much less busy. It should never have gone this far. I had become unapproachable. It took something like this shock treatment by my babies to jar my brain out of its groove. I was going to erase that groove.

Jacks was outside somewhere when we got home. The girls wandered off while I was finding him. I rounded them all up and sat them on the sofa in the living room, Jacks in the middle and the girls on either side. I knelt on the floor, made the girls hold hands with their father, and I held those hands.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," I said. I couldn't help it, I started crying. I hardly ever cry, but those tears just fell like rain.

"I know what a lousy bitch I've been," I said. "I get caught up in things that seem important and I forget the things that are really important. Before I met you, Jacks, I had my life all in order. Before I had you, Reynolds, I was an independent woman; I did what I pleased, when I pleased, and I didn't answer to anyone. You rocked my world.

"All of a sudden I had a husband; I had a little girl who depended on me. When you were born, Samara, I had another little person depending on me. Try to understand me. I have always felt like the way to take care of you, of all of us, was to make sure we were financially stable. I lost sight of what is really taking care of you all: showing you how much I love you, every day, just being your mother, and your wife, Jacks. Do you still love me, girls?"

They both knelt on the floor with me and hugged me, tears flowing down their cheeks, as well. "Yes, Mom, I love you soo much," Reynolds choked out.

"We just want our Mom back," Samara sobbed.

I looked up at Jacks. "Is it too late? Do you still love me?" I asked.

He slid down to take us all in those huge arms. "More than my life," he said. "I was afraid I was losing you, Sage." His voice caught as his emotion got the better of him.

"I'm so sorry," I sobbed. "I'm going to change, starting now. You all have to help me, love me, keep my head out my ass, Reynolds."

That got a watery chuckle. "Hey, we have a violin recital to go to," I said. "We all look like witches. Got to fix this!"

As I washed my face and reapplied my make-up, I was drafting letters in my head. This was going to be hard, but I was determined. When I'm determined, nothing can stop me. Olivia was about to receive a promotion to COO. I'd been training her long enough. It was time for Sage to take a step back and re-connect with her family, before I lost the things that mattered most: my husband and my children.

I went out to collect them and they were waiting, sitting on the sofa. I stood in front of them and looked down into three faces, a little sad-looking, from the tears, but hope in those eyes. I doubt many people get to see hope in the eyes of angels. I was going to make sure they weren't disappointed. I was back!