Big Girls Don't Cry Ch. 01

"Oh God Darryl, what happend to you? Are you sick? You've lost so much weight I can feel every bone in your body! Look at you, you're emaciated! What happened, Dar, why didn't you ask me for help? I would have done anything for you, you should have known that!"

Two big tears rolled down her cheeks, and I cursed myself for hurting this sweet girl again, for trying to kill myself though neglect, because I thought I'd lost her. Right there I realised how much I needed her, and how much she meant to me; she was my little sister,and I loved her, and I would never hurt her again.

It took a while for me to truly believe my family wanted me back, had never in fact stopped wanting me, and I spent all that summer learning how to eat again. Mum had put me on a diet of simple food, steamed fish and mashed potatoes, a little fruit, sugary oatmeal, easily digested food; I was still too far gone for red meat or pork chops just yet.

I had daily counselling to help me resolve the eating and image issues I'd developed, and Lena was the one who helped me the most when the bouts of depression set in. Even today, after all these years, sometimes when I pass a mirror, I get a resurgence of those feelings, and I have to go and find Lena and she helps me until the depression and the urge to stop eating and punish myself passes.

++++

My counsellors decided I had made enough progress by September that I could go back to school, as I had originally intended. I eventually completed my two years in 6th Form, passing my exams at age 18 with a sufficient number of A-passes to get me accepted at the University of London St George's Medical School to do my MBBS medical training.

Lena was heartbroken that I would be gone for 5 years, plus another 2 years to do the General Medical Council Foundation so I could get my GMC License to Practice, but she knew it was what I wanted. She was 17 when I left, in another year she'd be at university herself, maybe she'd go into medicine too.

All Lena was focussing on, though, was the fact that I'd be gone for most of the year, with only the occasional visit home for the next 7 years.

Leaving home to start my training was the most painful thing I've ever done; mum, dad and Lena took me to London, to the student accommodation unit, to get my room ready and have a look around the hospital. Mum was definitely on the teary side, and even dad was a little gruff at times, but Lena made no bones about how she felt, and when it was time for them to leave, her expression was so forlorn I nearly climbed into the car and went back with them.

I'd never been anywhere without them, and even though I'd spent so long being such an obnoxious little cock when it came to Lena, in the last two years I'd made up a lot of lost time with her, and I missed my little sister desperately; she'd become my confidante, my partner in crime, and my best friend, and I didn't know how I was going to function without seeing her every day.

The wrench and sense of loss when the car finally turned the corner and disappeared was almost physical in its intensity. I know I was growing up and moving on, and it was supposed to be the start of the next part of my life, but I felt so fucking bad about letting go of this part.

The next five years were hectic, to say the least. I spent as much time at home as I could, but to be honest, it wasn't that much; Lena had gone to university, to Warwick, where she studied Law with a Sociology Honour for 4 years, followed by a post-graduate Diploma in International Economic Law, so I hardly saw her even when I was home, as we were usually out of sync; when I was free, she was knee-deep in lectures 150 miles away, and when she was free, I was on Night-Call or research or something. We only managed to maintain reasonable contact by phone, and that only occasionally.

At last, I qualified and obtained my GMC license, now all I had to do was find a job where they actually needed a newbie with surgical and clinical skills but no actual real-world experience. However, after seven years of running myself ragged, I decided that a job could wait; I wanted some time with my family. Lena was newly graduated as well, in the same boat as me, and looking for some family time.

When I eventually arrived home, I was disappointed that she wasn't there, but mum assured me that she would be there that evening, she was just waiting for her landlord to come around and collect her keys, as she was moving back to Bristol to save money. I spent the day on tenterhooks; I'd not seen her in almost 2 years now, and I was anxious to see her again soon; I even poked my head inside her room, just to re-acquaint myself with the place where we'd spent many happy hours talking, swapping confidences, doing homework together or just being companionable.

Eventually, I ended up watching TV in the lounge, where I fell asleep waiting for her, and was awakened by someone dropping heavily into my lap. My eyes flew open, and there was Lena, large as life, and twice as pretty. She giggled, and hugged me, and I hugged her back, bursting with happiness now I had my best friend back.

"Hello, Angel Eyes!" I smiled, and she giggled as she hugged me.

I held her out at arm's length to look at her, re-acquainting myself with her features. Her glossy chestnut hair was longer than ever, nearly all the way down her back now, and her blue eyes were, if anything, an even more intense blue than I remembered, almost violet in their intensity. And she was so beautiful; no, I take that back; my little sister was gorgeous! Her glorious eyes, deep and calm and pellucid, her fair skin lightly dusted with freckles across the bridge of her cute little nose, her lips a deep, coral pink. Naturally fresh-complexioned, and innocent of any make-up or lipstick, she was just absolutely stunning, a true English Rose.

She giggled and squirmed under my scrutiny, then jumped up and pulled me up to go and have a coffee with her in the kitchen with mum. I couldn't help staring at her as she walked in front of me, her rear view equally captivating in the Royal Blue minidress she was wearing, and I found myself deeply envying the man who eventually captured her.

"So, Darryl, any young doctresses falling under the spell of your manly charms?" she asked, grinning, and I grinned back.

"Nope, bit of a dry spell, what with being on call 24/7 for weeks on end!" I retorted, "How about you? Any rich, corporate lawyer-types circling you?"

She dimpled "A couple, I like to keep my options open!"

As we stood and chatted, sipping our coffees, I couldn't help but look her over. She really was the perfect package, her short, figure-hugging dress emphasising her long legs and small waist, and her elegant figure. Her long straight hair set-off her tall slender frame perfectly, and all I could think was how much she reminded me of a singer I'd seen on TV when I was a boy, Crystal Gayle, except Lena was much better looking! Her skin was pale, translucent, like fine eggshell porcelain, no marks or blemishes except that adorable spray of pale freckles across her nose, and her eyes were the deepest blue-violet I had ever seen; my little sister really was a stunner, no two ways about it! Why she wasn't already married, or at least engaged, was a mystery to me.

Dad came in from work while we were chatting, and we gave him the lowdown on career prospects, preferred jobs, and what we intended to do next. I had applied for Orthopaedic Team internships and locum slots at several London and Home Counties hospitals, as well as signing up to several specialist medical recruiters. Lena was looking for a Civil Service position, hopefully with the Department For International Development (DFID) in Whitehall, in London, as well as various international agencies and public bodies, but it was summer, nothing much was popping in the job world for either of us, so it seemed like a good time to come home and get together for a while.

Dinner was wonderful, although dad seemed to be having some sort of coughing fits, periodically wheezing and coughing discreetly into a wadded handkerchief, and I resolved to pull him aside after dinner and have a listen to his chest. In the meantime, I settled down to enjoy the meal.

Mum had pulled out all the stops, it was the first family meal I'd had in over two years where we were all there, which made it all the better for me. Dad looked older since the last time I'd seen him, and I realised with a shock that he'd be retiring soon; he must be, what, 61? 62? Whatever his age, he'd seemed preoccupied during dinner, like he had something on his mind, and even mum seemed a little distracted, and this continued after the meal, when we were sitting around in the lounge, having a coffee and chatting. Eventually, dad seemed to come to a decision.

"Darryl, I...we need to talk to you, there's something I need you to know, about you...and us."

The way he said it immediately put me on alert.

"What's up, dad, what about me and you?" I asked.

Dad looked at mum, and she nodded, so he looked back at me.

"Son, it's about your mother...and your father." Now I was confused. I looked at mum, but she was watching dad, and, strangely, Lena.

"But you're my father, surely?" I asked him, still confused, and watched his head shake slowly.

"No Darryl, I'm not. Your father was Robert Fraser. His...partner was Elizabeth, my daughter, your mother. I'm your grandfather, Darryl."

Lena clutched my arm so tightly I thought she'd stop the circulation, but it was barely registering.

I was floundering.

"And Lena, is she...? and dad shook his head.

"No, Lena's my daughter; she's Elizabeth's half-sister...and your aunt."

Lena started whimpering, her eyes fixed on my face as they filled up and spilled over. I put my arm around her, trying to get my balance here. Lena wasn't my sister, I wasn't their son, and my whole family life here had been a lie!

"Dad, why are you telling me, now of all times, I'm 25, and now I find out my whole family isn't my family, I don't have a little sister, my mother isn't my mother, it's some woman I never heard of, where is she, where's she been my entire life? Where's this father of mine, this Robert Fraser, why has he never showed up? "

"Daryl..." began mum, and I glanced at her.

"And you're my grandmother, are you?" and she shook her head.

"No Darryl, Elizabeth is from a relationship your grandfather had when he was in his late teens. Elizabeth's mother had left her with him and disappeared, so he brought her up alone. I married him just after you were born; Elizabeth was nearly 18 then, and your father, Robert, had been killed in the Falklands in 1982, a few months after Elizabeth found out she was pregnant; he was still only a boy himself, only 19. I met your grandfather soon after that, and we decided to get married. Elizabeth couldn't handle bringing up a child alone at such a young age, so we took you to bring you up as our son. Lena came along 10 months later, and we brought you up as brother and sister."

"But you didn't adopt me, yes?" I asked her, and she shook her head.

"And you're not my grandmother?" I asked her, and she shook her head again.

"So you're not my birth-mother, you're not my adoptive mother, you're not my grandmother, so really, you're nothing to me, no relation at all, yes?" and I saw the hurt in her eyes again.

"No, Darryl, I'm still your mum, that hasn't changed..."

I interrupted her. "No you're not. You never made a move to make me yours, you just kept me around, like an umbrella you found on a bus, then suddenly, completely out of the blue, you choose to tell me. Both of you lied to me my whole life, you take away my family, you take away my little sister, you tell me I'm not even who I thought I was, and you expect me to be, what, happy that the truth's finally out? I was happy! I was happy not knowing, did that ever occur to you? How could you rip my family away from me and shred my life, and not expect me to feel anything? Why didn't you just shoot me and stuff me in a fucking dumpster?"

Dad stirred at that, but said nothing, and mum just looked stricken. Lena never took her eyes off me, her whimpering getting louder, until, with a high-pitched keening, she began crying, holding on to my arm in a death-grip, rocking as she sobbed, holding me tight. Mum tried to comfort her, and she shook her off, pushing her away and scrabbling for a handkerchief. I gave her mine, which only seemed to make her cry more.

I stood up, absolutely sure of only one thing; I had to get out of there, away from this nightmare, from these people who'd lied to me every single day of my life.

As I went to get my jacket and holdall, mum came out and put her hand on my arm.

"Daryl, don't go, please, we need to talk!"

I grimaced, trying not to cry. "We're done talking, mum, or should I call you 'Gran'?" and she flinched.

"Please Darryl, come back in, talk to him, he needs to talk to you some more, at least hear him out, won't you?"

I shook my head.

"There's nothing more to say; you just destroyed my life, you took away my family, you took away Lena, so I think you've said it all! Now I have to go, this conversation is over!"

"Please Darryl, he has his reasons for telling you, won't you at least give him a chance to tell you what they are?"

I took her hand off my arm.

"I don't care what his reasons are. You people play-acted around me my whole life; you aren't my mother, he's not my father, Lena's not my sister, nothing here is mine; it didn't stop you taking it all away, though, did it? You took it all away, and now you want to talk! No, you can't fix this, mum, or Granny, or whoever the hell you are. The only person round here who didn't lie to me is Lena, and you had no problem lying to her too; I loved being her big brother, she was my little sister, and you took that away from both of us!"

"I hate you for what you've done to me, and what you've done to Lena; she didn't deserve this. Our whole life has been some kind of weird theatrical production; no-one in it is who they say they are, not even me; I'm 25 and I don't even know who the fuck I am. That's what you did to me, so are you satisfied now?"

I picked up my holdall and took out my keys, taking the front door key off my key-ring and tossing it to her.

"I won't need this anymore, because I swear to God I will never set foot in this house again!" I told her, her expression stricken as I turned to leave.

Lena came hurtling out to hug onto me, holding me desperately, then grabbing her coat and bag as well.

"I'm coming with you; I'm not staying here another second!" she gritted.

"Lena, what are you doing?" asked mum, and Lena whirled to face her.

"He may not be your son, but he IS my brother, and I'm going with him. Can't you even see what you've done? How dare the two of you pull his whole world apart! You took away his whole identity, and then you try and act like it was necessary. Did you ever stop to think that this is exactly what might happen? He was right; he was happier not knowing. If you ever really thought of him as your son, you'd never have done this! He's right to hate you; I hate you for what you did! You didn't have to tell us, can't you see it was cruel and unnecessary?"

I opened the door and she walked through it, dumping her bag into the car boot along with mine, and climbed into the passenger seat. I pulled away from the kerb, and got as far as the end of the road before I had to stop, the tears were making my vision blurred. Lena held me while I cried for the past that was gone, and the family I'd lost, and the life that had all been a lie.

My mum was gone, my dad was gone, even my little sister was gone, taken away in a couple of sentences; but then, none of them had ever really existed, none of it had been true, nothing.

Eventually I calmed down enough to drive safely, and headed out of town, down through Clifton and through the centre of Bristol, heading for the M4 and London. All the way home, it drummed in my head. Mum and dad had been lying to me all my life, they'd been lying to Lena all her life, just told us a convenient lie and left it at that. They'd said no more about my real mother, who'd certainly never made an appearance in my entire life; was she dead, or had she never wanted me in the first place, and dumped me with...them because they were convenient and I was cramping her style?

My phone rang endlessly, one or other of...them (I couldn't bring myself to call them mum and dad anymore; they weren't, were they?) hanging on the line, hoping for me to pick up. I let it ring, until they switched to Lena's phone. She just switched hers off and dumped it in the glove compartment along with mine.

We eventually got back to my place in Tooting Broadway, just around the corner from St George's, about midnight, only stopping once at the Chieveley Services on the M4 for Lena to stretch her legs a little. I live in a 2 bedroom maisonette, the top floor of a medium-sized Edwardian house, what they used to call a gentleman's residence back in the days of 'la belle époque', but the second bedroom was set-up as an office/storage/work-out space for me, so I gave Lena my room and made up a bed for myself on the couch in the living room.

We changed out of our day clothes into something more suitable for sleeping; Lena into a long Tee-shirt, and me in a University College London rowing shirt and shorts, and made some coffee while we discussed what to do next.

"We can't go back, can we?" said Lena morosely, and I nodded agreement, although I'd been thinking about why she'd come with me in the first place.

"You didn't have to come, Sis, they're still your parents," I observed, and she grimaced back at me, eyes filling again.

"Fuck 'em! They should have been yours as well; they should have just kept quiet and just been your mum and dad and taken it to their graves, full stop, The End. You're my brother, no matter what they said, and I'll take my chances with you, thank you very much! Like I said, fuck 'em!"

I had to grin; Lena never swears, she always said swearing is the last resort of the verbally constipated, and now here she was, cursing her own parents!

As if on cue, my 'phone started ringing again; one glance told me it was...them, again, as if they hadn't got the message by now. Lena grinned nastily.

"Turn it off, let them sweat. Mine's off, and it's staying off. Tomorrow I'm getting a new number, let them try and get hold of me. You destroy your family, this is the price you pay. Bastards!"

I looked closely at her. She really was furious, I'd never seen her so angry before and it was a revelation; Lena was the calm one in the family, totally unflappable, with the kind of nerveless self-control that would let her face a charging rhino with a slightly raised eyebrow, and here she was, simmering and steaming, her legendary self-control finally cracked wide open.

"Hungry?" I asked her, and she shook her head.

"I'm going to bed, Darryl. You know, you don't have to give me your bed, I'm quite happy to bunk out here, or we can share the bed, it's got to be more comfy that that horrible couch!"

She was making sense. I was emotionally and physically drained, and that bed was looking attractive. Still...

Lena cocked an eyebrow at me and grinned. "If you're worried about climbing into bed with me, I assure you, you're safe; I find you completely resistible!"

I had to grin, and nodded assent, if the day ever came when I couldn't split a bed with my little sister, it would be a bad day indeed.

We climbed in and killed the lights, and lay there, slowly drifting away; at least I was, until I became aware of Lena trembling and quivering. I turned and put the bedside light back on, and she was crying, sobbing silently. I didn't ask stupid, inane questions; I knew why she was crying, I was only a sob and a sniffle from joining her, so I put my arm around her, and pulled her close, letting her sob into my chest while I stroked her hair, but not saying anything; what was there to say?