Black New World Order-Lee

"Today, I don't use it any more, not unless it is in the context of explaining my racism and my diseased perception of Black people. I not only don't use it, I don't see Black people as niggers any longer. When I defeated whiteness, I was able to see the humanity and the divinity in Black people that I could not see in the Old World. I'm no longer aroused by the very concept of what the word meant to me. I'm repulsed by it now and I can't stand it in songs."

"I, too, suspect, I just have a feeling that my judgment of the word itself and the ways in which it is used will change as our understanding of language evolves. For now, I see it as a reminder of my whiteness and I want to disassociate myself from any vestiges of whiteness that remain in me. I know the diseased and racist reasons it turned me on, ways I couldn't even acknowledge to myself at the time. I would like to think that my experiences in that cabin forever changed the way I look at Black people, race, racism, and the way I look at myself."

"What happened in that cabin because I find you singularly unique in your perspectives on race for a white man?"

"My whiteness is what happened. We had been microdosing for the first few days, breakfast, lunch and dinner, and it just took the edge off, made life feel a bit more pleasant. Janquil was taking notes and approaching it like a scholar, asking me questions about how I felt, what changes I noticed, shit like that. I was bored as hell and wanted something to happen like what happened during the sexual training. I wanted to experience that sort of breakdown, that sort of emotional exhaustion, that feeling of accomplishment and transformation."

"That, and the deviant sexual desires that I had that really were the motivation for my every move, thought, and desire. I got it in my head that I was going to give Janquil a heroic dose. I was going to sneak extra tincture into her food and my plan was to molest her when she was in a compromised state. I was going to eat her pussy or lick her asshole while she was under the influence and I was going to tell her that it was the mushrooms making her think that I did something to her if she questioned me."

"Breakfast arrived at 8 every morning. Janquil had the bedroom and I would always greet whoever would bring breakfast and knock on the bedroom door and tell her that the food was here. With my plan in place, they delivered our morning smoothies, and I decided that I was going to put 5 droppers, not 5 drops, but 5 full droppers of tincture in her smoothie. Then, I had the audacity to add an extra one for good measure."

"I knew consciously that it was wrong and dangerous. I knew it. I knew it and I didn't give a fuck. That's how powerful whiteness is. I had spent my entire life lying about and denying the evil shit I had done, shit that was driven by whiteness, so I knew it was wrong. I despised her and I wanted her hatred directed at me and that whiteness was telling me, 'You can get away with it. Just tell her that someone in the kitchen made a mistake, that you had nothing to do with it if shit goes sideways.'"

"Mind you, I hadn't done any of the research that she had done about the doses and the effects. My whiteness told me that I was smarter than her and that it wouldn't kill her and . . ." He got choked up. His words got caught in his throat. "At that time, I would have lied to cover up her death so easily, so emphatically, that I could have passed a lie detector test."

He took another sip of water and collected himself.

"So, I take the smoothies out the carrying container, I open the lid on one of them and I put 6 droppers of tincture in hers and I put one dropper in mine. I thought it would have a similar effect as the aphrodisiacs and I had gotten pretty accustomed to them. This psychopathic behavior is all driven by my whiteness. I put the smoothies on the table and knock on the door and tell her that breakfast is ready. She comes out and she looks at the smoothies on the table and I can immediately tell she is suspicious of something. I start explaining that I've already put the tincture in them and they are all ready to go. She says that I never even bother to take the food out the bags and today, I not only took it out the bag, but I prepared them with the tincture. She asks me why."

"Fuck! I couldn't believe she could so easily see through me. I went into full lying mode. I didn't miss a beat, didn't even stumble over my words. I said that I realized that she had been doing all the work and I felt bad about it and I wanted to pull my weight. I said that I felt bad that I hadn't done more to help her. I sat down on the sofa with my smoothie and she was watching me intently. I'm so used to lying that I'm not even acting nervous or fidgety like people always do on TV. And just as I was about to take a sip, she said, 'Switch!'"

"GODDAMN, now I'm really getting scared. Not only am I afraid of getting caught, because now the realization that Scottie is going to find all this out hits me, but I am freaking out about the ramifications of what's going to happen to me. I'm immediately thinking about being in a Costa Rican jail, and I kid you not, my first thought was, "Mmmm, maybe I'll get raped by some hot Latin drug cartel member.'

"'This bitch is fucking smarter than me again' is playing over and over in my head. I'm in panic mode, my brain is coming up with lies and excuses in typical white fashion. I act shocked and offended that she would suggest that I would do something nefarious. I give her this bullshit arrogant attitude that I'm going to really have to reconsider if I want to continue on if she doesn't trust me. I'm gaslighting her left and right and I tell her that if she doesn't trust me then we should end our little experiment right now and maybe it's me who can't trust her. Classic whiteness. We're talking whiteness 101."

"She says, very calmly, 'Switch!' and my dick and my whiteness are at peak arousal.'"

"Rather than confess and tell her that I was planning on drugging her, I switched drinks and drank it all down. At the time, in my mind, I figured I could handle it. I was even fantasizing that she would molest me when I was incapacitated."

"Then, I'm not sure how long after I finished the drink, I would move my hand and I would see colors and trails. I say to myself that I'll just lay down and either pretend I'm asleep or really take a nap and just sleep it off. But as I'm sitting there on the sofa and trying to figure out the best way to get to my little twin bed that is behind the room dividers less than 5 feet from me, I am suddenly in a psychedelic cartoon, I'm some sort of alien bug in an animated world."

Marvin wasn't an academic of any sort in the traditional sense of the word but he was an explorer. He never trusted anything he heard or read without getting different perspectives and forming his own opinions. His natural curiosity and his need for answers would not go away. He was enrolled in The University of YouTube and he was fully matriculated. He had seen videos describing the magic mushroom experience so he wasn't completely unfamiliar with what Lee was describing even though he had never had the experience himself.

Lee described his trip. "I'm walking around this animated world and I'm in awe of everything. I see waterfalls and I am blown away by the colors and at this point, everything is beautiful. Birds are singing and I understand what they are saying. The grass is communicating with me and it is expressing this unconditional love for me, but there is no difference between me and the grass. I hear the bees and they are all buzzing and working and existing to serve the Queen, the Goddess Mother."

"Then, I hear someone say, 'Psssst, psssst. Hey, you! Wanna see something?' It's one of those giant prehistoric spiders. He starts taunting me, telling me that I can't handle where he is going to take me and I tell him that I have to be really quiet because I don't want Janquil to know that I had been trying to lick her dirty asshole and pussy. In my mind, I'm not saying any of this out loud, I'm pretty convinced that I'm sitting there calmly and she can't tell that I'm tripping at all."

"The spider says, 'Follow me,' and he starts flying. I'm running to keep up with him but I feel like I'm moving really slowly. I'm running and I can feel the colors that are all around me and I know that I am the colors. I can feel the breeze and then I am the breeze. I remember the sensation of not being afraid because I said to myself that all he's going to do is trap me in his web and eat me. I know that I'm not really a cartoon bug, I'm everything and I can't die so I don't really care."

"All of a sudden, it gets really dark and I'm immediately at the bottom of a lake and the lake is in a cave or some place that has no sunlight. I start swimming to the top and it feels like it's taking forever and cartoon water is much harder to swim in than regular water. I start to panic because I'm not going to get to the top of the water and I'm going to drown and the feeling of being eternal is gone. I'm fighting and fighting for my life and I am really starting to panic now. I was legitimately afraid I was going to die in real life."

"I finally get to the top and I'm no longer me, I'm a baby. Oh, shit, I was just born. That was pretty easy to figure out. I'm a baby, but I'm still me, I can still think and talk and understand everything but I'm in this baby body. Then I realize, it's not my body, it's Janquil's body, I'm her as a baby. For the next six hours, I live her life. I experience all the abuse, neglect, I experience what I recognize as racism but she doesn't recognize it as racism because it's all she's ever known, because she's so used to being mistreated.

"I experience myself being manipulated and lied to by white men who want to humiliate and degrade me, who hate me just like I hated her. I experience her pain, her disappointment, her frustration. I experience her feeling like she deserves better from life and she doesn't understand why her life has been so hard at so many turns. I feel every life choice she's ever made and I clearly see that she thought she was doing the right thing, making the right choice at every turn. I feel her decision-making processes and I realize that every choice she's made has been with the best possible intentions, to survive, to be loved, to try and do the best for herself and her family."

"Then, that damn spider shows me my choices in life, like a movie, and he's taunting me, showing me my lies, showing me how easy my life has been in comparison to hers and how many fucked up choices I've made in my life, all in the name of upholding this concept of whiteness, this fallacy of white supremacy. The spider shows me that none of my choices have been to benefit anyone but me. I'm pissed at this point. I want out. I don't want to play this game anymore, I want to be back in my real body, in my real life where I didn't have to feel guilty or ashamed of any of my life choices. I wanted to go back to my whiteness."

"I wake up and it's late in the afternoon and I'm in the bathtub and I've pissed myself, there's vomit on my clothes, and a pillow is under my head. The thing was, I knew that something had happened and I was different the second I woke up. I knew my whiteness had been altered because all I wanted to do was apologize."

"I took a shower and there was a stack of clothes in the bathroom for me. The fact that my comfort was a consideration evidenced by the fact that I had a pillow and clothes ready for me . . . I experienced a sensation of gratitude and respect that I had never had before. It was yet another reminder of how superior she was to me because I had just tried to drug and molest her and she still showed me respect after what I had done."

"I came out into the living room and Janquil, Scottie, and Javier, a local who had worked at the resort before Scottie bought it, who was understood to be the muscle on the compound, were all sitting and talking when I walked out of the bedroom. I sat down at the small table and I was ready to face the consequences of my actions. I knew I deserved whatever they were going to do to me. I knew if they said I was going to go to jail, I knew I deserved it. My whiteness was broken. I would have never, not in ten million years, been able to entertain the thought of going to jail for something I did, even if I knew I was guilty."

"Without being asked, I apologized to Janquil. I came clean. I confessed what I had done. No lies, no excuses. I told her about my experience. I explained how I thought I had lived her life while I was under the influence. I told her about the things I had seen and experienced through her eyes. And I felt compelled to tell her how vile and evil that part of me that didn't value her life, that didn't respect her, that hated her was."

"I confessed to shit I'd never even told Scottie, and Scottie was the one person I had been the most honest with in my old life, even though I wasn't very honest with her. I explained how much I had hated her and I explained that it was coming from a compulsion deep inside me that I couldn't control. I confessed how I was nice to her, well, I pretended to be as nice as I could be, while I was seething with anger for her. I spilled all the dirt on whiteness, how it made me feel, how it had no fucking filter, about how it would push me and taunt me to seek out pleasure, humiliation, and pain and it didn't matter if I lied, cheated, or hurt anyone in the process. I told them I was never even able to put into words how I'd felt deep inside before, not even to myself, because I didn't even understand what whiteness was before that psychedelic trip. Now, after that harsh wake up call, seeing how all my actions and behaviors were motivated by selfishness, I regretted a lifetime of ignorant behaviors."

"Scottie asked her what she wanted to do. Do you know this Queen said, 'Let me sleep on it and tell you tomorrow.' I would have, if the situation was reversed, at the very least, kicked my ass out with no way to get home, and having me arrested was still a very viable option on the table. She said, essentially, let me take a breath and make an informed decision after I've considered all my options. That ain't nothing but God right there."

"In the morning, I was ready to face the music. It was time for Janquil to speak. For the first time, she told her story about her experience during The Shift, about how she had woken up and she felt this weight lifted off her, that she felt lighter, that she knew she was destined for something much greater than she had ever imagined before. She said she had spent the last six months unpacking the lies that we had been told and figuring out how it had impacted her identity and she wanted to know who she really was. She said she was healing and growing in ways she didn't know were available to her before because all she had known was a life of pain and suffering and lies. She knew now that her mission was to be the person who would help other women like her heal. She knew she had been a healer, a shaman in her previous lives and she was really anxious to grow into her destiny."

"I felt the last of the whiteness in me, it was fighting to stay alive, it was kicking and screaming to remain in control of me and Janquil was crushing it, extinguishing it with her Love. She wasn't even trying to, she was just being this radiant, graceful woman. In that moment I could feel whiteness dying in me. I could feel it losing its grip on my spirit, my way of thinking."

"With emotional release comes healing. That's how they imprisoned men in the Old World, telling us that we weren't allowed to cry. I had never in my life felt more pain. This was far deeper than not answering a question, or not showing empathy to someone for their pain. This was my whiteness dying. I started crying again, snot flying, and pleading with her for her forgiveness. I say, 'I offer no excuses for my behavior. I can only tell you that I felt this need, this pull inside me to hurt you and for that . . . I'm so very sorry.'"

"My entire identity, the pretense of my whiteness, the walls of Jericho were crumbling before my eyes."

"Janquil spoke the words that will stay with me forever. She said that she would not forgive me because there was nothing to be forgiven for. She said that she had done things to hurt her children, to hurt herself, unknowingly, because she had been deceived and tricked into believing the wrong things. She said that she was no more guilty of believing the lies that were told to her than I was."

"It was in that moment that I began to see Janquil's beauty to really see her. I obviously had seen her intelligence before; that's what angered me so much. I hated seeing her taking control and seeing her efficiency and competence and her ability to assess the situation and see beyond the superficial, especially because I didn't have the same skills and abilities as her."

"To make a long story a tiny bit shorter, the day after my calamitous fuck up Janquil was treating me with respect and dignity, that I very much didn't feel deserving of. That, for me, was evidence of true Black superiority. And it had nothing whatsoever to do with sexuality."

Marvin had been hanging on every word. "First and foremost, you don't need to shorten the story for me. This. This conversation. This level of communication. This intensity of truth and disclosure, this is what I've spent my entire life in search of. I suppressed my inner longing to understand how the world works. I pushed down feelings of wanting to find someone who I could talk to for hours, who would get me, I figured there was no reason trying to understand the cosmos cuz I was just a guy from Christiana, DE who was never going to be anything more than that. Then, I found In Loving Color, and Wequilibrium, and you, and I feel like I'm living the life I was supposed to live. So, I said all of that to say this . . . whatever you have to share, I'm willing to listen because this is so much more than the superficial and meaningless life I lived before."

"Second . . . wait, what was I going to say? I forgot. I had some question I wanted to ask. I'll think of it later. Go on. I hope I didn't distract your train of thought."

Lee reassured him that he hadn't. "It was humbling to see someone who had been served a shitty deal in life, she had more weapons formed against her than anyone, and I was witnessing her flourish and find herself. I felt that anger turning to respect. And that respect would eventually turn to love. Today, I would lay down my life for her."

"Ohhhh, that's what I wanted to ask you. What happened when she took her heroic dose?"

"I have no idea. I suggested that since Scottie had more Divine Consciousness in her, she would be a better guide to help Janquil navigate the other realms and knowledge she would access. I do know that after her experience, she was more radiant and beautiful than I had ever seen her before. I'm not sure if that had something to do with me or her experience but she looked like a Queen, she walked like a Queen, she radiated this God-like beauty that was a bit intimidating."

"At the next Moon celebration, she shared with the family about her journey. I'm paraphrasing again, the way she said it was so powerful that I can't dare to try to even replicate it. She said she came out of her journey and she had experienced her life all over again, from birth to now. She saw herself as an innocent baby, beaten and abused. She saw how it hurt her spirit, dimmed her light, imprisoned it in a life of pain."

"She saw how not dealing with her traumas, not healing from them, had kept her trapped in a cycle of pain. Not because she wasn't smart enough, not because she didn't try hard enough, not because she didn't want better for her life, but because she did not have the right tools, she did not understand how to solve the problem because she was given the wrong variables. She saw her rage and anger from a perspective where she could finally see it was unhealthy for her. She came out of her experience with a tremendous sense of love for herself, an overwhelming sense of compassion for the little girl who deserved so much more in life, and an understanding that she had been sabotaged by the system to live a life of pain.