By Midnight

"Hey," I smoothed my thumbs under her eyes, trying to save her makeup. "Don't cry. It's okay. You know me, I'll be fine." I looked at her thoughtfully. "I'd much rather be the one in pain over you. So, if I have to be a little uncomfortable for a few hours to make this day special for you, then that's what I'll do." I found a tissue and wiped off my hands, making sure they were clean, before pulling her in for a hug. "You're my best friend and I love you, too."

I'm not quite sure what possessed me to do it, but I lifted the veil over her head and looked deep in her eyes. For a second she looked paralyzed, like she didn't know what I was going to do. She looked vulnerable and I knew if I wanted to kiss her on the lips, like I've wanted to do for years, I could. I leaned forward, clasped her chin between my thumb and forefinger, turned her head to the side and kissed her gently on the cheek. The look in her eyes was hard to describe. I guess it was somewhere between sadness and curiosity.

I put the veil back down over her face just as there was a knock on her door. "Come on, let's get you married," I whispered.

Her dad walked in and whistled low. "My baby girl looks absolutely amazing."

"I'll see you out there," I said before taking my leave.

When I met up with Lauren she looked at me expectantly, waiting for some clue as to what happened with Allie, but I shook my head. I looked around for Jake, my escort, and linked my arm through his and grabbed my white roses. Turning around I saw Allie and her dad. I gave her a quick "thumbs up" to be sure she was ready, and when she nodded her head I looked to my band on stage and gave them a nod. The piano began playing and we began walking.

"You know," Jake whispered, "when this is all over we should go somewhere a little more private. What do you say?"

I let out a breathless laugh and covered it up with a smile as we walked down the aisle. "You're not quite my type, sweetie."

As soon as we reached the end of the aisle, we went our separate ways. From that moment the entire affair seemed to take hours. I watched as Lauren came to her place beside me and then watched as Allie and her father walked down. I watched Allie smile and nod to people, letting them know she was happy to see them. I watched her finally come to rest beside me and hand me her bouquet. I watched her and Mark say their vows (she came up with her own, he did traditional) and kiss to seal their marriage bond. It tore me apart.

We all filed down the aisle and took a few pictures before finally being allowed to enjoy the party. I went up on stage and sang a few songs with my band then joined in on the fun. I danced with a few of Allie and Mark's mutual family/friends. I was in the middle of dancing with Mark's cousin, Ryan, when Lauren came over to cut in.

"How are you holding up, sweetie," she asked, taking hold of both of my hands as we swayed.

"I'm fantastic," I quipped sarcastically.

She pulled me closer, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. Mine instinctively went around her waist. "It's almost over. Just a few more hours and they'll be leaving. Then we can go get a huge container of ice cream and chips and bottles of wine and drink the night away. Sound like a plan?"

"Are you trying to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me," I joked.

"I'm offended," she gasped. "I don't have to get anyone drunk, thank you very much. They want me all the time." The song ended so we pulled apart and I could see the smile on her face. I don't know what I would do without her.

"It sounds like a great plan, Lo." I looked around and spotted the bar. "I'm getting something to drink, do you want anything?"

"No, I'm okay," she said a little apprehensively.

"What is it," I moaned.

"The nights almost over, Jess. Have you even spoken to Allie?"

"Don't ask me that," I sighed, starting to walk off. I had spent most of the night on the dance floor in an attempt to avoid seeing her. I know it wasn't fair to her but I didn't know how to talk to her.

"Jess, I get it, you're hurting, but don't be--"

"I'll go talk to her, then," I exhaled walking off.

It wasn't hard to find her. All I had to do was look for the big crowd of people surrounding her and her husband. When she looked in my direction I watched a sad smile break out across her face. I waited until Mark was done talking before interrupting.

"Excuse me, Mark, but I need to steal your wife for a minute," I tried joking.

She unlinked her arm through his and walked over to me, a brilliant smile on her face. I walked over to where all the cars were parked so we could have some privacy. I unlocked my car and opened the passenger door, waiting for her to get in. Once she was inside I went around to my side.

"You're not kidnapping me, are you," she laughed.

"No, I'm not kidnapping you. I just figured we could use this time to talk." I pulled my phone from the center console and looked at the time. I then proceeded to act like I was holding a microphone in front of my face. "So, you've been married for three hours. Tell us, Allison Jefferies, how does it feel?" I moved the microphone in front of her face.

Allie groaned and looked at me. "Jess, why do you do that?"

"Why do I do what," I asked, confused.

"You're retreating into your shell. When things look like they're going to get serious you make a joke. You did this earlier in my room and then now. Can't you just talk to me?"

I looked deep into her eyes and realized she was right, as usual. I wasn't honest with her. "Allie, I don't know what to say to you. Honestly, I was trying to avoid you for the rest of the night but Lauren suggested I talk to you."

"Well then we don't have to talk," she said, reaching for the door handle.

"No, wait," I stopped her. I started twirling my fingers together making sure to not meet her gaze. "I—I'm going to miss you while you're gone."

"It's beautiful, isn't it," she questioned, looking up at the moon and changing the subject. "I've never seen it this big before."

"Yeah," I breathed, "it's beautiful." I was a little miffed that she completely ignored my comment but I guess I know why she did. This is a touchy subject. I don't know what to say to her half the time, so why should I expect any different from her. I took a page out of her book and changed the subject. "Do you remember that time we went out on the lake and stayed there all night?"

She started laughing. "How could I forget? A fish jumped up into the boat and you screamed like a little girl!"

"I wasn't expecting it," I defended myself. "It was out of nowhere! If I remember correctly, you were so scared and dug your nails into my arms so hard, I had bruises for a week."

We dissolved into a fit of giggles recalling the good ole' days. She leaned her head to rest it on my shoulder and, in turn, I rested my head on top of hers. She then looped her arms through my right one and snuggled deeper.

"Things aren't going to change, right," she inquired. "We're still going to hang out and be best friends."

I took my left hand and lifted her face to look at me. "We're always going to be best friends, I promise."

"You know, I'm going to miss you too," she revealed. "I know it's for only two weeks, but do you realize we've literally spent almost every day of the last year together?" I knew she wasn't really asking me if I knew. It was more of needing to reaffirm the obvious. "And in that year, I—I feel like we've gotten so much closer."

I wasn't sure of what to say to her so I pulled her in for a hug. She hugged me back just as fiercely. We sat there for who knows how long, silently realizing that everything would, in fact, change no matter how much we wished it wouldn't. She was married now and had a new life to look forward to. We both knew we wouldn't be seeing each other as often: 1) because she would need to begin her new life, and 2) we both knew I would try everything to leave her alone.

"You should probably head back," I said, leaning back away from the hug. "People might think I actually kidnapped you."

"Are you not coming?" She looked crestfallen.

"I think I've had a little too much partying for one night." I gave her my best smile, but she knew why I was leaving. "You go back and enjoy, and I'll see you when you get back. Can you tell Lauren I'm tired and have her call me tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure, no problem," she answered. "So, see you in two weeks?"

"Two weeks," I repeated.

I watched as she got out of the car and walked back over to the party. Cranking the car, I backed out and started the drive to my house, feeling lower than I ever have before.

~~~~~~~~~~

July 20, 2010

~~~~~~~~~~

Over the last month I would like to say that I wasn't a "pussy-ass-bitch," but that's just not the case. I was being lame and pathetic and I could tell Lauren was giving up on trying to get me out of the house to do things. Every time she called I just wanted to stay in and watch a movie. I had managed to pull myself together enough to be a semi-decent person at Allie's wedding, but after that I shut down. I let every emotion I held back that day come out full-fledged and it was terrible. So, needless to say when I saw that Lauren was calling me, I was shocked.

"Hey, get your ass off of your couch. Allie and I are going to Joe's, so meet us there in fifteen. I've got some good news for you." Click.

Short, sweet, and to the point. I knew the only reason she did that was so I couldn't refuse to go. I've only seen Allie once since she got back from her honeymoon in the Caribbean, and I was trying to keep it that way. I wasn't unpleasant to her by any means. I replied to her texts and phone calls and we have talked briefly, I just wasn't quite ready to see her yet. I couldn't get over her or the fact that she was married, and frankly it hurt to see her. I'm sure she knew this because she kept her space and didn't push me to hang out. I'm also sure that Lauren had something to do with that.

I threw on a pair of jeans and a blue tank top, slipped on my rainbow flip-flops, and walked out the door with my car keys in hand. Joe's is a little burger place that has been around forever. Some of the biggest, greasiest burgers come out of this place, but if you haven't had it once in your life, you're not living. Every Friday night during high school Lauren, Allie, and I went to Joe's and unwound, and we always sat in the same booth in the back. This was our safe haven.

I parked right in front of the open sign, and walked in. Allie and Lauren already had "our" booth and motioned me over. They both stood and I could tell we all went for almost the same attire. Lauren was wearing jean capris with a white tank top, while Allie was wearing a jean skirt and a pink tank top. I couldn't help but swoon at the sight of Allie's tanned legs; however I managed to pull myself together before I gave them both a quick hug.

"Okay, Lauren," I said, sitting down across from them. "What's the good news?"

She smiled at me. "Okay, the good news is that we're all fabulous looking 23-year-old best friends that are finally hanging out again."

"You made me leave my apartment just so you could tell me I look fabulous," I scoffed. "You could have said that on the phone." I picked up a menu and began mulling over my options.

"Oh, shut up. We needed a day for all of us to chill, forget our troubles, and just enjoy each other's company. I for one--" Her cell phone rang. "I'll be right back. I have to take this." She quickly exited the booth and walked outside.

Great, Lauren, just great. Leave me alone Mrs. Jefferies knowing full well how I feel. I buried myself deeper into the menu hoping she wouldn't say anything. Of course she did.

"So," Allie started, clearing her throat, "how's your week been? We haven't talked much."

"It's been good," I sighed. I really wanted to just leave the conversation there, but I couldn't. I hate when people give short responses and never open the conversation up further. "I've been working on some stuff around the house, getting it fixed up. What about you? How was your week?"

She smiled. When I say she smiled I mean it was huge and I could see the look of relief wash over her face when she knew I was talking to her. "It was great! I've been cleaning up our house as well; getting things in order for all the upcoming functions at Mark's job." She hesitated briefly. "Jess, are you okay?" She sighed before backtracking in her statement. "That's a stupid question. Of course you're not okay. I'm sorry. Lauren just mentioned how you've been keeping to yourself lately, and I've noticed that as well." She paused again when I scowled at her assumption. "I'm not going to sugar coat it, Jess. You're pushing her away. You're pushing me away, too. I miss my best friend."

"Allie, I'm still you're best friend," I tried to reason with her. "We still talk every week and--"

"And those conversations have been feeling strained. I get that we can't go back to the way we were, but can't we at least try to get somewhere near there?" I started to speak but she stopped me. "I know it's hard for you. You put your heart on the line and I hurt you. I just want you back in my life and for things to not be so strained. I am so sorry for everything that happened, Jess."

I looked into those eyes that captivated me so many years ago and saw pain; pain that I was causing because I couldn't get over my feelings. I had taken on the mentality that I had hurt enough, and now it was her turn. I lost the love of my life so I was going to make her lose her best friend and that wasn't right. I wasn't treating someone that I love with the love that they deserve. I wasn't treating Lauren very well either. I reached over and took her hands in mine, squeezing them lightly.

"You're right and I'm sorry. I'm going to try, Allie, I really will, I promise. I just need time. I just watched the love of my life marry someone else. I need some space. Don't say anything," I stopped her from speaking this time. "I was planning on telling you and Lauren next week, but I want to go on a road trip, just to clear my head. It might do me some good to get away for a while and see what's out there. There's nothing here for me on the east coast, and I've only ever been as far west as Texas. I want to go to more places."

She just stared at me; her jaw going slack for a second in shock. "Jess, I don't want--"

"Whoa, sorry guys," Lauren interrupted, sliding back into the booth beside Allie.

"Is everything okay," I asked, quickly looking away from Allie. I had a good feeling she was going to tell me she wanted me to stay. I also knew that if she asked, I would.

"Everything is amazing," she smiled wide at me. "Sony wants to sign you, Jess!"

"What," I questioned.

"Sony, Jess. They want to sign you for a record deal! This is great news, why don't you look happy," she asked, folding her arms over her chest.

"I'm happy, I'm just also shocked. That was really fast, Lo. They really want me?"

"Of course, who wouldn't want you? Isn't this great, Allie? Our little Jess is going to be famous," she babbled.

I looked at Allie and she looked shocked, depressed, and pale all at the same time. She quickly saw me looking, though, and plastered on a fake smile. "That's great. I'm really happy for you, Jess."

I know she wasn't. She was just saying that like I did to her on her wedding day. It was fair though.

"So, what happens now," I asked.

"We go to New York," Lauren exclaimed, excitedly.

~~~~~~~~~~

April 20, 2011

~~~~~~~~~~

I was finally taking a night off from my own music and it was amazing. I'd had enough of being in the studio for a while so I told them I was taking a night off. Besides, if I had to sing 'By Midnight' one more time, 20 times in a row, I might shoot myself. It just made me think of her and I had been doing that enough lately. I missed her. I missed her smile, her laugh, the way her hair smelled when the wind would ruffle it, and the way she would snort when she knew you were lying. But most of all I missed the way I felt around her. The bottomless pit in my stomach, that constantly felt like it was filled with butterflies, didn't flutter anymore. I missed her way more than a person who claimed to be a friend should.

The music coming from the bass was so loud, that even though I was standing toward the back of the crowded concert, it was still making me buzz. I love Coldplay so I had no inhibitions about dancing around like a fool. I was dressed very conservatively in jeans and a t-shirt. There was no way anyone could possibly recognize me.

"Hey!" I heard screamed right beside me. "Hey! You're Jessica Carlisle, right? I'm right, aren't I? I'm a huge fan! You're music is so--"

I turned to see a very attractive brunette standing beside me. When I first saw her I had to do a double take because she resembled Allie so much. She wore a cute pair of black-rimmed glasses that framed her face very nicely and had on a black Coldplay shirt and a jean skirt that came just above knees. If I had to guess, I would say she is around 5'5 but with the heels she was wearing she came up to at least 5'8 or 5'9.

"Hi, I'm Kelly." She extended her hand out to me, which I took.

"Jess," I replied. "Can we keep it between the two of us who I am exactly, please? I just want a peaceful night."

She leaned close to me and put her mouth right next to my ear. "Of course."

For the rest of the concert there wasn't much talking, but there was a lot of dancing. We would grab each other's arms and twirl around, laughing all the while. This was a happy feeling I hadn't been having for a while, and I knew I didn't want to let it go.

Once the concert ended I asked Kelly if she would like to go grab something to eat. She agreed and we walked to a little diner down the road.

"So," she began once we were seated, "do you live in New York?"

"I have an apartment up here for when I come to meet up with headquarters," I answered. "I permanently live in--"

"South Carolina," she finished. When I raised an eyebrow at her she quickly backtracked. "I'm promise I'm not some sort of stalker. I told you, I'm a fan. I love you're songs that you've put out so far."

We talked a little bit about my hometown, family, friends, and career until the waitress brought us our food. She seemed genuinely interested in everything I was saying.

"Tell me about you," I stated, taking a bite of my burger.

"There's not too much to tell on my side. I'm originally from Seattle, Washington. I'm an only child. My parents are both lawyers and they thought they would send me to the east coast to get a bachelor's degree and then go to law school. I came to the east coast, but not for law school. Can you imagine how happy my parents were when I told them I was going for cooking? So, I'm just a junior culinary student that spends her time cooking, obviously, and going to concerts," she concluded.

"You're really open, aren't you," I laughed.

"Oh, God," she put her head in her hands. "I'm sorry. I'm told I give way too much information to people that probably don't give a rat's ass."

"Don't apologize. I didn't mean to make you think it was a bad thing. I find you're honesty refreshing. Please, tell me more."

She talked more about her life here in New York and how she wants to become a pastry chef. We found we like the same books, movies, and music. I could definitely see myself being friends with her, and she wasn't exactly hard to look at. I knew I wanted to see her again.

"So," I started.

"Hey," she said at the same time.

"You go first," I prompted.

"I was just going to ask you how much longer you'll be in town for," she hesitated, "because I'd really like to see you again, but for a date. That is if you don't think I'm some psycho fan."