By Midnight

We just walked up to her car and she was fidgeting in nervousness. I decided to let her off the hook. I walked close to her and leaned in. Ever so gently I brushed my lips against her left cheek. "I would love to see you again."

The smile I received gave me incentive to make sure it stayed on her beautiful face at all times. We exchanged numbers before driving off to our respective homes.

When I got home I immediately called Lauren.

"Hello," she groggily answered.

"Oh, Lauren," I sighed sympathetically, "I'm sorry, I didn't pay attention to the time." It was only one in the morning but she still seemed to be really tired.

"It's fine, sweetie. What's up?" She sounded more upbeat.

"...I met someone. She's really--"

"You met someone! Who is she and how did you meet her," she prompted.

I explained how I was taking a night off from singing and went to the concert. I told her how this girl is great, and gay, or at least bi. We hit it off really well and I'm really happy to have met her.

"So," she started, "first off, I'm extremely happy for you. Second, does this mean you're over Allie?"

At that moment I realized I had barely thought about Allie all night. The second Lauren said her name, however, everything came rushing back. I still missed her and wanted her. But, maybe Kelly would be a good distraction. "I don't know if I'll ever fully get over her, Lo," I answered.

"Okay, well at least you had a night out to enjoy yourself. This is something you needed. You're coming home in a few weeks, right?"

"Yeah I'll be back towards the end of May. Why?"

She hesitated. "Allie was wondering."

Allie was wondering? "Okay...well I'll let you get back to sleep. I've got to get up early anyway. Night, love you," I murmured into the phone.

"Okay, sweetie. Love you, too. Night."

~~~~~~~~~~

May 25, 2011

~~~~~~~~~~

"You do realize you're going to make me late for my flight, right," I questioned, struggling as Kelly lay on top of me.

"You do realize I don't care, right," she remarked, smiling.

The past month with Kelly has been amazing. We see each other at least every other night and I forget about Allie a little more each time we're together. I think she sensed something was holding me back with her, but she never pushed me to open up about it. I remember after the first couple of times we went out she finally spoke to me about what she was feeling. She told me that she didn't know who hurt me, but that she could see I was still reeling from it and that she wasn't going to push me. She didn't, which I think helped me in my process to forget Allie.

Kelly and I fell into a routine. We would alternate nights on whose place we would be at. Last night, it was time to spend the evening at my place so we watched movies and ended up falling asleep. I awoke to Kelly lying on top of me gently kneading my sides.

I guess I should also mention that over the past month we've taken things slow. For the first two weeks we would just exchange small kisses after seeing each other. Slowly it progressed to making out and now we do a little bit of caressing. I just wasn't ready. I still thought about Allie from time to time and somehow it felt like I was betraying her. It was a ridiculous thought, but it happened that way for me.

She leaned in quickly and placed a gently kiss on my lips. It was over before it even started. She leaned back and looked into my face, searching. Searching for what, I'm not sure. She took a deep breath and leaned in again. This time she didn't let up. She gently massaged her lips against mine, waiting for me to move. I responded and wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her closer. One of her hands went around my neck while the other dug its way into my hair. She moaned when I parted my lips. I'm not sure where she learned to kiss, but the second my lips parted her tongue snaked its way in. She flicked it quickly against mine before she began exploring my whole mouth. She had this way of flicking her tongue that made my mouth tingle. I couldn't get enough.

I shifted and pressed my body closer to hers. I pulled my mouth from hers causing her to whimper before moving to kiss down her neck. I alternated between licking and sucking gently so as not to leave a mark. Moving up I quickly sucked and nibbled on her ear.

"Oh, God," she gasped, clutching my head to keep it in place. "Please, keep going."

I moved my hands so that they were pressing against her sides gently squeezing them, feeling every curve she had to offer. She moaned when I licked the length of her neck before claiming her lips again. I flicked my tongue quickly in her mouth with the intent of bringing it back. She had other ideas and caught it between her lips and gently sucked. That was probably the most erotic thing I have ever experienced in my entire life up to that point.

I slipped my hands under her white t-shirt and ran my nails lightly up her back causing her to moan and shiver. She in turn snuck one hand down under my shirt and lightly pinched my nipple causing me to gasp in her mouth. I never wanted her so much over the past month. I brought my hands down to the bottom of her shirt and started to lift it over her head. Realizing what I was doing, she lifted her arms to make it easier. Once her shirt was off I quickly bucked my hips up, throwing her off, and pinned her to the bed.

"Mmm, not fair," she pouted.

I smiled, kissed her, and then placed my forehead against hers. I had to stop this before I went completely insane. "You know, as much as I don't want to, we have to stop."

She exhaled loudly. "You're right. I don't want you to be a notch on my bedpost," she joked.

I pinched her side. "Damn right I won't be a notch."

She laughed. "Why don't you go ahead and get in the shower and I'll make breakfast?"

"Sounds good to me," I replied, placing a gentle kiss on her lips.

I ran to the shower to get done quickly. I would be heading back home for a little while and Kelly would be staying here in New York. I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible before finally hopping on the plane. I just started washing my hair when I heard my phone start ringing.

"Kelly! If you can hear me, will you answer my phone and take a message," I called. I wasn't sure it would be Sony calling for something important.

"Sure thing," I heard faintly.

I was able to hear her side of the conversation.

"Hello? No, this is Kelly. Jess just jumped in the shower. Can I take a message?" She paused. "I'll tell her. Anything else? Okay. Bye."

I finished washing up and threw on my favorite blue robe before coming to the kitchen. Kelly was at the stove cooking bacon and eggs. "Who was on the phone?"

"Your phone said 'Allie.' She didn't give me a name," she said.

"Did she say what she wanted," I questioned.

"She said that something came up with Lauren so she would be picking you up from the airport instead."

"Oh, okay," I whispered, trying to hide the disappointment in my voice. I really wanted to talk to Lauren about Kelly. I wasn't sure if I could do that with Allie. She's gotten distant ever since she found out about Kelly. I wasn't sure what that was all about and, honestly, it worried me. I know I can never have her as a lover and I certainly didn't want to lose her as a friend.

"Bon appétit," Kelly said, placing a plate on the counter in front of me.

"This looks amazing. Thank you." I smiled.

We ate in silence dreading our upcoming separation. I knew I didn't want to leave but I needed to spend some time with my family and friends. I would love for Kelly to come with me but she is just starting a new job and that definitely wouldn't look good.

After getting dressed she drove me to the airport and after a semi-emotional goodbye, with the promise of my return in a few weeks, I was off. I found my seat, turned off my phone, and closed my eyes. I needed to prepare for this drive with Allie back to town. I need to figure out how to act around her. I mean, I don't want to drool all over her and let her know that I'm still in love with her, but I also need to figure things out. I shouldn't be leading Kelly on, and I know that. I also need to figure out what's been going on with Allie. She's been really distant over the past month since Kelly came into my life. Whenever she, Lauren and I would be on a three-way call she would make an excuse to hang up with Lauren brought up Kelly. Sometimes she would make smart comments. I could be wrong and if I am I'll feel bad about it, but it's just too much of a coincidence.

Obviously I dozed off because I woke when the pilot came over the sound system letting everyone know we were landing. I don't know if any of you have ever been to the Charlotte airport but it is annoying and crowded and I hate going there. I turned my phone back on and saw where I had a message from Allie telling me where to meet her.

After grabbing my luggage I made my way to where Allie was. Two things shocked me when I saw her. Firstly, she was pale. This was odd because Allie is always tanned. She lies out by her pool all the time, especially around this time of the year. Second, I thought I was starting to get over her slightly and that was just not the case. My breath hitched him my throat when I saw her. She looked just as amazing as she usually does. She had her hair down because it was straightened. She was wearing blue jeans that hugged her ass, a purple frilly blouse, and sandals with white straps.

When I walked up to her I gave her a quick hug not wanting to linger for too long. "Hey, Allie."

She squeezed me tightly. "Hey, Jess. I've missed you."

"I've missed you too." I tried not to let too much emotion drip from my words. I think she saw through it because I got that softened, sad expression when I get emotional with her.

"Well," she started, "are you ready to go?" She ran her hand through her hair and I saw the sunlight reflect off her ring. It's still as shiny and big as ever.

"Yeah, let's go."

We walked silently to her car and I racked my brain to try and remember one moment in our lives when things had seemed to be this uncomfortable with us. We were always open with one another so I wasn't quite sure what was going on. She was being very cautious around me: not walking close to me, keeping conversation light, and looking at me from the corner of her eye. It was all very strange and I didn't know how to address it. That was always her job. She called me on my shit and I gave her the truth. I guess it was my turn.

We made it to her black convertible and she put the top down. "You don't mind, do you," she asked. "It's nice out."

"It's perfect. I've missed this car," I responded while she smiled at my comment.

Just when I was about to start talking, Kelly called. "Hey, Kelly," I answered. I was looking at Allie and her lips pursed together as she backed out of the parking space.

"Hey, babe," Kelly laughed. "I wasn't sure if you would answer. I was just going to leave you a message."

"I'm in the car with Allie now. We're just leaving."

"Oh, well, I'll let you go. Like I said I was just going to leave you a message. I'm about to go into work anyway."

"Well, what was your message," I inquired.

"Just that I miss you like crazy already and I can't wait until you're back here," she muttered.

"I miss you, too," I whispered. I didn't want Allie to hear me. "I'll be back soon though."

"I know you will. Call me later tonight or tomorrow, okay? I have to go."

"All right," I replied. "Have fun. Bye."

"Bye."

"So, that was Kelly," I stated. When I turned to look at Allie she still had her lips pressed tightly together. "She's about to go to work and was going to leave me a message." I wasn't quite sure why I was telling her all of this, but then she started laughing. "What's funny," I queried.

"That's just a little fast to want to talk to you. I mean, you just left. That seems a bit, clingy to me."

"She's not clingy," I answered back.

"Really, she's not clingy? Jess, every time Lauren and I call you she's there. It's like when you're not in the studio you're with her. And just now, you've been gone two hours and she's already called you. That's clingy."

"That's not it," I defended. "It was sweet on her part."

"If you say so," she smirked. "I'm just calling it like I see it."

I didn't know what to say. I should've jumped to Kelly defense a little more, but I didn't. Allie's hold on me was stronger than ever. I would always let her "win" arguments even when I knew I was right. It made me feel good to see the smile on her face. So what's wrong with me now, that even though she said some things about Kelly that weren't very nice, I was just happy to see that little smirk she gave me?

We were silent the entire two hours. Only when I started to get out of the car at my house did she speak.

"Look," she sighed, "I'm sorry for what I said about Kelly. I just don't think you should be with someone that gives off the clingy vibe. I'm only looking out for you." Her mouth said one thing but her eyes said something completely different.

"What's really wrong," I questioned.

She looked shocked. "What do you mean?"

"The past month you've been extremely distant from me. It's got to be one hell of a coincidence that that's the time when Kelly came into my life. You've changed. You don't want to talk as much. You're very cautious around me, like you're afraid you'll do something wrong. It doesn't make sense. So, I want to know what's wrong," I huffed.

She looked thoughtful and sighed. "There's nothing wrong, Jess."

"You know you can tell me anything, right? Are you feeling like you're losing your friend? Are you and Mark having problems? I honestly want to know so I can help."

Her thoughtful look changed to anger instantly when I saw Mark. "I'm with a loving and caring husband! There are no problems with us. I don't need relationship advice from you. You're with a woman for crying out loud. Can that even be considered a relationship," she spat at me.

I felt like she slapped me across the face. She really just turned into one of those ignorant people that say my relationship means nothing. "Thanks for telling me how you really feel."

I grabbed my bag from the backseat and walked to the front door. While I was fumbling with my keys I heard her sigh before the car backed out of the driveway. When I got in the house I threw my things down on the ground. I didn't have to worry about my grandma being here because she moved in with my aunt. I went to the living, fell on the couch, and began to cry.

~~~~~~~~~~

"So, you and Allie had a fight," Lauren called from kitchen. She came over to my house a few hours after Allie had left, bringing Japanese food from down the street. Japanese food is my comfort food.

"So you've already talked to her," I questioned. "What did she tell you?"

"That she started talking shit about Kelly, you defended her, and then you asked what was wrong with her."

She came into the living room carrying our food on two plates. "She also said my relationship with Kelly doesn't count because it's with a woman." I took my food from her as she sat beside me on the couch. "Glad I know how she feels about gay couples."

"Jess you know she didn't mean that," she sighed. "We all know Allie has a legendary temper that makes her say stupid things."

"Maybe," I contemplated, "but none of the things she's said before have been hateful like that."

She chewed her food before responding. "She feels terrible about saying that. As soon as she left you she called and was furious with herself. She said she screwed up and didn't mean most of what she said."

"She didn't mean most of it, huh," I huffed. Lauren just shook her head at me. She knew I would forgive Allie in my own time. The truth was I had already forgiven her. Like Lauren said, Allie does have a legendary temper and it's gotten her in trouble plenty of times. I also can't stay mad at her. In all that years that I've known her I've never been able to stay mad at her for more than five minutes. "Do you think Kelly is clingy?"

"I don't know her, sweetie. All I know of her is that she makes you happy. That's good enough for me," she smiled. "Do you think about Allie at all, in that way I mean, anymore?"

I knew this would come up eventually. I might as well just tell her the truth. "I still love her, Lo. I thought being with someone would help, and being with Kelly does, but I can't stop thinking about her. I'm not being fair to Kelly but I don't know how to tell her." I put my food down and took a big gulp of the red wine sitting on the coffee table. "I just don't know what to do."

"Oh, sweetie," Lauren put her food down and wrapped her arms around me. "I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?"

I laughed. "Tell my heart to stop being a bitch."

We talked a little for the rest of the night about my work in the studio and how she was doing at her studio. She left to go back to her house and we decided to meet up tomorrow, with Allie.

~~~~~~~~~~

May 26, 2011

~~~~~~~~~~

I spent most of last night after Lauren left thinking about Allie. I don't know what her problem is. Was this karma coming back to bite me in the ass for everything I've said about Mark? I really wanted to know and I didn't have to wait long to find out though.

My doorbell rang and there was Allie at my front door. "Can we talk," she asked nervously.

I stepped aside and watched as her yellow dress flowed in the breeze. I wasn't quite dressed yet, still wearing my black shorts and pink tank top pajamas. We walked to the kitchen and she sat down at the counter while I went to pour myself some coffee.

"Do you want a cup," I offered.

"No, I'm good, thanks." She paused in what I assume was her trying to gather her words. "Jess, I'm really sorry about yesterday and the past month. You're right, I have been distant from you but it's not what you think. Yes, it's true I don't think Kelly is good for you, but that's not why I've been distant, not exactly anyway."

"Well, do you care to explain why you've been distant," I questioned.

She looked at me before hopping off of her stool at the counter. She stood close to me and looked me directly in the eyes. I wasn't sure what was going on so I called her on it.

"Allie, what--"

She kissed me. She actually leaned in and kissed me on the lips. It was so quick that I don't know if it can be classified as a kiss. I was shocked to say the least and I'm sure my facial expression revealed that to her. What shocked me even more was when she leaned in to kiss me again. She put her arms around my shoulders and gave me a quick peck on the lips again, this time however, she caught my bottom lip between her two lips and sucked. My knees buckled at that and she quickly had to move her hands to waist to catch me.

"Are you okay," she asked, concern dripping from her voice.

I was so dumbfounded all I could do was nod. I wasn't sure what was happening here. If it's even possible she shocked me for a third time when she smiled and kissed me again. She didn't let up and licked at my lips to gain access, which I granted. She flicked her tongue quickly against mine before using hers to explore my entire mouth. Every emotion I had felt about her hit me like a ton of bricks. She was finally giving me what I had wanted for all these years. I felt myself responding to the kiss with just as much fervor as she was giving me.

Never breaking the kiss, she backed us up until my back was pressed against the refrigerator. She pinned my arms above my head and moved her lips down to my neck. When she playfully bit my neck I couldn't stop the moan that escaped. My neck is extremely sensitive and she picked up on this very quickly. She stayed there for what could have been hours alternating between licking, kissing, and biting and it was driving me insane. When I couldn't take it anymore I flipped us around so she was against the fridge.